Does the Church embrace singleness?

1 Corinthians 7:32
I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 

Does the Church embrace singleness?  I threw that question out there this morning on my True Love Dates Facebook page.  

It was interesting to read the thoughts and responses from young men and women, but one woman's comment caught my attention:

"It is almost as if it is okay to be a single man but they [the Church] are not quite sure what to do about a single woman.  Many times they feel sorry for her or pray for God to bring the right man. There seems to be a definite double standard." 

This statement really caught my eye because I find myself agreeing with her.  Remembering the days of singleness and the Christian culture that I was surrounded by, there seemed to be some sort of a double standard- where women felt less for being single, while men continued on peacefully with their bachelor lives.

I was thinking about this today, and why this seems to be the truth.  Although it's easy to blame the Church for everything, I believe the problem has a lot less to do with the Church, and a whole lot more to do with us...single young women, desperate to love and be loved.  

You see, I wonder if the church does not determine the value that is put on us- but rather, reflects the value that we put on ourselves.  

Looking back, I wonder if the church does not "embrace" singleness because we have a hard time embracing it ourselves.  As a single woman, I remember struggling so much with the idea of being single, as though it were a trial to get through, a temptation in which I had to persevere. 
  
It took me so long to embrace, enjoy singleness myself. 

As women, I think we all struggle with the same things.  The longing to be valued, loved, and embraced by another human being.  The longing to be walking with someone alongside, someone to witness our lives, in order to somehow make our lives matter.  

As Christian women, I think sometimes we devalue ourselves when we are single and alone.  I think we forget that our value is not attached to our relationship status, but rather to the God who has made His home inside of our hearts.  Our evaluation of self has the tendency to rub off onto the people around us.  

We teach people how to treat us by the way that we treat ourselves.  We teach people how to value us, by the way that we value ourselves.  At the root of the Church embracing singleness, is a long line of individual men and women, struggling to embrace singleness themselves. 

As a married woman now, I look back and I see the mistakes I made as a single woman- longing to be loved, valued, and embraced.  And the truth of the matter is- even in marriage...the struggles with value and self-worth have not gone away.  They still haunt me day by day and the unconditional love of a husband was not the cure that I thought it would be.  The truth of the matter is, the only solution I have found is nestled deeply in the heart of Something more.  Someone more. 


We will not embrace singleness as a culture, and as women at large, until we have truly learned to embrace our God-created, God-restored, God-loved, God-valued selves.  We will not embrace singleness as a culture, until we have learned to be at peace with who are are, standing alone.  And maybe, just maybe, even then we will never truly embrace our "singleness" because that's not the core of what we were meant to embrace. Rather than defining ourselves by the broad brush stroke of a relationship status, maybe our definitions need to run a little bit deeper.  A little bit truer.   A little bit more in line with the God of relationships, who calls us to rest only in Him. 

May we, as women, seek to create a culture in which we teach the world around us to treat us like we deserve to be treated.  Valued, loved, honored and respected.  Single, or not.  We are daughters of a King.  Let's live that way. 

The Isolated Christian:

Hebrews 10:25
Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. 

The irony of this generation is that we are some of the most "socially connected" people, yet more than ever we are battling the grave of isolation.  Just the other day someone was sharing with me the paradox that the more she browses Facebook, the more isolated and alone she actually feels because it seems as though the world around her is all connecting...without her.   

We are longing for relationships.  For true, genuine, heart to heart connections with others.  It's one of the desires of my heart as well.  I was telling my husband that just the other day.  We're in a season of life where family is a priority with raising a toddler and with a baby on the way.  It seems as though our longing for community has kind of taken a back seat, and we're feeling the effects of that.  Isolation is a relentless monster, willing to pounce the moment he gets a chance.  And lately, he's been pouncing.

I've noticed, though, that there are three kinds of people when it comes to techniques in facing the trap of isolation.  Some compare, some complain...and then there are those who actually take the time to connect. 

The Comparing One:  It's easy to compare, isn't it?  And now with social networking as incredible as it is, it's WAY easy to compare.  Photos, events, parties, get-togethers, status updates...with one click of a button you can be lining yourself up against every friend in your queue.  Comparing makes the world around you seemingly incredible...while the world you live in becomes smaller, and darker, and lamer.  Comparing takes your eyes off of what you want, and puts them on what others have.  And it's a pit that is sure to leave you feeling more and more alone with every passing thought.   

The Complaining One:  We can all think of someone who fits in this category, and like Michael Jr. says, if you can't...then maybe they're thinking of you!  People who whine and complain about how they are miserable and alone, how no one wants to hang out with them, thinks of them, or includes them in anything.  They are the passive ones, who live their life to react to what others do...and most of the time, that reacting is in negative form.   Complainers don't get very far in connecting, because by the very nature of complaining- it pushes people away. 

The Connecting One:  Rather than being reactive to the world around them, Connecters are proactive.  When it comes to fellowship and community, they play offense not just defense.  They don't wait for the desert of isolation to become the norm, because the moment they feel it, they are picking up the phone to call a friend.  Connecters are the people who seem to get 1,000 text messages a day (unbeknownst to us, they've sent 5,000 text that day).  They're the ones who have people over, plan dinner dates, call a friend for coffee, or join the church softball team just to stay connected.  They practice hospitality, and don't wait to be invited before they take the opportunity to invite.  They ask questions, make others feel important, and serve with all of their hearts.

I know some connectors, and I'm inspired by them, because at the end of the day, I really believe it's the life God calls us to live.  Jesus was a connecter, taking the time to really give to those around Him without waiting around for them to give to Him.  And the miraculous thing about people like that is when you refresh others in that way...you find yourself supernaturally refreshed. 

I want to be proactive this year, rather than simply reactive.  I don't wait to wait around for someone to notice me, to love me, and to connect to me.  I want to be the one who shakes hands with people at church, invites a new couple over for lunch to get to know them, has a neighborhood get together, calls a friend just to see how they are doing.  I want to be a person who is connecting with others and loving others the way Jesus loves me.  I don't want the trap of isolation to take over and lead me into believing the lie that I am all alone...because in all honesty, lonesomeness is the fastest road to sinfulness, whether it be through my mind or in my heart. 

I want this year to be a defining year for me when it comes to battling isolation.  It's time to make some real connections, it's time to squelch the disease of isolation.

The One Thing I've Learned From Skipping Church:

Romans 1:20
For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. 

Okay, I'll fess up.  I haven't been to church in over a month.  Having an unpredictable newborn has made it difficult to get to church these days...and the times that we do make it, the little bundle of crying distraction that we face is too cute to ignore.  Though before I go on I have to say, I am really looking forward to getting back to church (hopefully you who have judged my absenteeism will continue on with reading now...;) 

But I must admit, taking a break from church has really opened my eyes to one thing: God is everywhere.  Somehow, He's been showing up outside of the boxes I tend to confine Him in...and He's been surprising me.

The beautiful thing about our Lord is that when we invite Him into our lives, He promises to make His home within us.  Church or no church.  He's alive and living within me.  And if I allow Him to, He reaches out and connects with me everyday. 

This has been the greatest lesson I have learned while being absent from church.  I have been challenged to see God beyond the four walls of a building, but rather, to see Him every day, in every thing.  And trust me, He has showed up.  In the autumn leaves, in the quiet and stillness, in the smiles of my baby girl, in the conversations with friends, in the words of Scripture, in my prayers. 

But one thing is for sure, I only find Him when I seek Him.  I guess that's the main lesson I'm learning in my life right now.  I'm learning to seek Him more...not on Sundays, Thanksgivings and Christmases....but every day.  In the mundane.  In the routine. It's sad that there are many who attend church every week, twice a week, and at the end of it find themselves full of religion, but never really having found God. 

This is the one thing I've learned from being absent from church: That church is really in my heart.  Lord, make your home in me again and again.  Give me the courage and the motivation to find you there.