Real Relationships: Is it okay for a woman to initiate a relationship?

Ephesians 5:21
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ...

I received a great question for the Real Relationship series I'm writing, by a young woman wondering whether or not she should share her feelings with a young man she has feelings for and can see a potential for a future relationship...in other words, is it okay for the girl to initiate? 

Maybe I like this question so much because it is one that I have struggled with in my dating years...up until I met the man I married.  I pretty much grew up with the belief that a woman should never initiate a relationship, that the man should be the one to step up, take charge, and be a leader when it comes to discussing these sort of things.  It was the "Elisabeth Elliot" mentality (though I love that woman's heart, old fashioned as she sometimes may be!) that gives the man this role from the start of the relationship and all the way through. 

I think there is something truly romantic about this way of thinking.  Deep down most women have a desire to be swept off their feet, and into the arms of a man professing his undying love for them.  It's the fairy tale story in which we are pursued and chivalry is eternal.  I think deep down we all think we want this kind of relationship, in which the man leads the way with emotions, and the woman follows suit.  It's what Hollywood movies are made of.

But to be honest, I think it sounds better than it actually feels.

Let me explain.  I used to believe I wanted a "take charge" kind of man who initiated our relationship, our spiritual life, and pretty much the direction of our entire relationship and marriage.  Sometimes called a "leader" I think I misinterpreted the definition of that word, as though it translated into "boss".

My actual marriage is very much different than what I imagined it would be.  You see, I had a certain picture in my mind because of all the dating books I had read in which the man "led the way" and "took charge".  But to be honest, as I grew and matured I realized that my personality would never lend to such a one-sided relationship.

I'm not married to a "take charge kind" of man, but I AM married to a "leader" in every way.  We have a relationship in which we are both equal parts to the equation: challenging each other, correcting each other, sharpening each other, encouraging each other and "submitting to one another".  We have a mutual relationship- respecting and honoring each other as equals...

And I see the roots of this stemming back to our dating relationship.  Let me remind you: what you see in dating, you will 100% of the time see later in marriage.  We both shared our feelings with one another- I remember initiating the initial conversation about our relationship, and he followed suit with words and then with action.  We kept communication open the whole way through, and that's really important when it comes to dating.

So the short answer to this question is (in my humble opinion): yes, it's okay to share your feelings if, and only if:

1.  You have prayed a LOT about this relationship and feel the Lord's leading.
2.  You see lots of healthy things in the person that you are interested in.
3.  You have felt interest on their part toward you: (Ask yourself, why HASN'T he initiated up to this point?)
4.  You are okay with getting the answer "no" because that is always a huge possibility.  (And then you are okay with letting it go after that rather than making excuses to bring it up again in 2 months...just to "see where he's at now")
5.  You understand that how you act, react, and interact through dating is very indicative of how you will act, react, and interact in marriage.

And on a side note, if you are planning on initiating a conversation- you better expect a response.  It doesn't matter who starts the relationship with the first word, but it does matter that both people are continuing the relationship through their actions, feelings, and words from that point forward.  

Hope that helps, and thanks for the awesome questions.  Keep them coming at debslessonslearned@gmail.com, with "Real Relationships" in the subject line.  

*For a biblical example of this, check out the story of Ruth...  

Real Relationships: How Do you Deal with Insecurities in a Relationship- Part II

We're discussing one reader's relationship question of how to deal with insecurities in a marriage or relationship.

Last post explained that the first step in getting rid of insecurities is dealing with Yourself and your negative beliefs.

But the second step is dealing with Your Partner.  This is by far the harder component of the two because it involves a person whose behavior is ultimately not in your control.

When you're in a healthy relationship, trust is something that is built and continues to grow as it is earned.  You give the opportunity for trust to develop by communicating with your spouse, sharing your hearts, feelings, needs and desires.  They earn trust by responding to these things and reciprocating.  You share your boundaries and wishes, and they uphold them out of love and respect.  You strive to meet their needs and they strive to meet yours...putting each other first.  It's the way Jesus taught us to love.  When there is trust in a relationship, there you will also find freedom.  Not jealousy, not control, not selfishness, not manipulation...but freedom. 

But what happens in a relationship when trust is shaken?  Though many times our insecurities in a relationship stem from our own skewed perspectives and fears, sometimes our insecurities take root because of the actions and behaviors of our partners.  Boundaries are crossed, promises are broken, and feelings are disregarded or disrespected- bringing pain and heartache along side. 

It's  normal for these kind of actions to cause a breech in trust...and for cracks to begin to form in the relationship- because the foundation for any relationship is trust.  

I once got an email from a man who was worried about the boundaries his wife was displaying with another guy.  To some, it may have seemed innocent, but to him it was crossing the line and he was worried about their marriage.   He wasn't sure what to do and he felt that with each passing day of not doing anything, the gap between him and his wife was beginning to grow. 

I encouraged him to share these feelings with his wife...to talk to her about what was hurting him, and to get vulnerable with her.  He couldn't control her actions, but he could genuinely communicate his needs and desires, and give her a chance to respond accordingly.  That sounds easy, but for some people that is tough stuff.  They are afraid of sounding weak, silly, needy...or insecure, and in their desire to mask their pain they allow their silence to cause damage that may have been prevented had they shared their heart.

Change is possible...when you give it a chance. 


But sometimes, no matter what you say or how you ask...things don't change.  Boundaries continue to be stretched beyond the limit and promises broken.  Trust cannot be maintained in this environment, and insecurities may be a symptom of a larger problem in a relationship.  When this is the case maybe it's time to consider getting therapy...if both parties are willing.

And if not, maybe it's time for you to seek help on your own...to learn how to set boundaries that you can control and react to these kind of behaviors in a way that is not enabling to your partner.

You can never control your partner...but you can always control how you react.  Insecurity is a poison, and it isn't something that should be tolerated.

Deal with it by setting limits with yourself...and setting limits within your relationship. 
 ________________

Don't forget to send your relationship questions to debslessonslearned@gmail.com with the title "Real Relationships" in the subject line to take part in these question/answer posts!

Real Relationships: How do you deal with Insecurities in a Relationship?

 

How do you deal with insecurities in a marriage?

Genesis 1:27
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

As I mentioned in my previous post, the next few posts will be focused on answering some of your questions about relationships (marriage, dating, and pretty much any relationship topics.).  I've asked my readers to write me with any relationship questions they want answered or discussed through this series.  This was one of the first questions submitted for the "Real Relationships" series and I want to start with it because it's a question that a lot of people deal with in relationships- whether married or dating.

Insecurity is the seed of discontent.  It's like a poison that seeps into a person's heart and mind and begins to fill them with confusion and doubt and fools them into believing they have no control.  I think it's a poison that we have all dealt with at some point, because it attacks in so many areas of our lives- relationships included.

I want to tackle this question by looking at two components to insecurity within a relationship: Yourself and Your Significant Other. 

Yourself:  What kind of counselor would I be if I didn't start a topic like this with the most influential person you will ever know-yourself.  So much of insecurity can only be dealt with by looking inward at your heart.  There comes a point to which no matter what your partner does or doesn't do...insecurity can still thrive, if the seed of it inside your heart has not been removed.  So you have to start there.

A lot of our insecurities as human beings stem back from our wrong beliefs about who we are.  Wrong beliefs can be placed on us from the time we are children and all through our adulthood by parents, friends, family, sinfulness, and even ourselves.  These beliefs shape the core of our view of self, and in turn how we act, and react to the world around us.  They are the filter that take in our reality, and if our filter is dirty...everything we see will be blemished as well.

When we live with insecurities, we can and will interpret anything and everything with a negative perspective.  This can taint the relationships that we are in, causing us to assume that our partner cannot be trusted, or has negative intent...when really, the culprit is our tainted views of ourselves.

I knew someone who had a really hard time with this.  She struggled with insecurities and negative thoughts and feelings about herself from her weight to her looks to her personality deficits and character flaws.  She magnified these weaknesses and eventually began to believe others did so as well.  These things slowly began creeping into her relationship with her husband, and she began to interpret all his actions as putting the spotlight on her insecurities, though he was only trying to encourage her and help her grow.  These interactions began to ware on their relationship and formed a barrier of mistrust and doubt between them.

I don't want to oversimplify such an important topic, because it's not like a person can just wish these negative thoughts and feelings away and like magic they are gone.  Years of negative build up might take years of removal...but with God's help, and our efforts...miracles really can happen- even in our emotional worlds. 

The process of dealing with our insecurities takes self-reflection, lots of it...and hard work.   Work to identify and then replace these negative thoughts and beliefs with the truth...in particular, God's truth.  It takes some serious energy to actually start believing this stuff, and seeing ourselves from the perspective that God wants us to be seen. 

For some, these insecurities run deep, and the help of a professional counselor is necessary.  For others, surrounding yourself with people who will speak encouragement into your life, getting real with your beliefs about ourselves, and starting to open our eyes to how God sees you will be the first steps in the process  You are valuable and worthwhile, according to Him...and it's time to find that out for yourself (Genesis 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:19, Romans 8:1, Psalm 139, Matthew 10:31...).

Start dealing with yourself and your own insecurities as the first step...because at the end of the day, you are the only thing that you can control.   


*I'll tackle the next step to dealing with insecurities in my next post: Your Partner. 

Real Relationships:

I'm really honored and excited about the attention both these blog posts and my magazine articles are receiving lately.  Not surprisingly, topics having to do with relationships (marriage, dating, etc.) have been a huge hit.

There is something about relationships and connecting with others that hits the core of who we are as human beings.  Our God is one of love...and in order for love to exist, relationships must be present.  We are drawn to relationships, ultimately, because we are drawn to a God who made us to connect in such a way. 

With regard to relationships, my readers have bombarded my email inbox with questions and thoughts in response to the articles they have read both here on my blog and via Relevant Magazine.  Some of the stories you have shared and questions you have asked have both inspired, moved, and challenged me, and I want to expand on some of that feedback.

In light of this, I'm starting a relationship series called "Real Relationships".  For the next few months, my articles and posts will be commenting on some of my readers questions on relationships and I will be answering through the lens of my personal life and love, as well as my experience as a professional counselor.

If you're interested in taking part in this series and potentially having your question answered or thoughts shared, email me at debslessonslearned@gmail.com, with the title "Real Relationships" in the subject line, so I know that I have permission to share your thoughts or question.  All things shared will be anonymous, unless you specify in your email that you'd like to be mentioned.  Be sure to subscribe to my blog via email or follow me on Twitter (@DebFileta) to keep up with the latest thoughts and questions!

I'm excited to hear from you, and dig even deeper into some of these topics.  God has thought up a marvelous design for relationships, and hopefully through this series we can each align our lives and relationships a little more in tune with His plans. 

What To Do With Your Pain:

Matthew 9:21
"She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed."

I was reading this passage in Matthew 9 last night, and was struck by the faith of this woman.  I never thought about her condition before, but in other passages of scripture it describes her as a woman with a bleeding disorder, who had been bleeding for years upon years.  This was not a small thing.  I don't know why but I never before realized the struggle that this must have been for her.

I can only imagine the debilitation of such a disorder in the time where modern medicine and medical conveniences didn't exist.  Just getting out of her house must have been a feat, much less taking the time to find and follow this man who claimed to be able to heal and forgive.

She believed that she would find comfort in the presence of Jesus, and she did whatever it took to get close to Him.  It may have cost her embarrassment, humiliation, and shame- but she sought after it as though it were her final hope.  And ultimately, it was. 

That's faith. 

Faith that was recognized by Jesus. 

I can't say that I understand the struggles and difficulties that come with severe and chronic illness, but I do understand pain.  I may not have experienced physical pain like so many have, but I have definitely experienced emotional pain, relational pain, and sometimes even spiritual pain.

I was struck by the faith of this woman...because I know what it feels like to be in pain and need a healer.  But it's easy to want healing...and a whole other thing to seek it out.

I am challenged by her diligence, and her drive to find Jesus, to follow Him, and to touch Him.  I want that for my life.  You see, I believe He has the power to heal, to cleanse, to fill...but I fail to seek Him, to follow Him, and to touch Him in my life.

I want that kind of faith.  A faith that doesn't just believe...but one that acts on my beliefs.  

Maybe you too are dealing with some sort of pain in your life, in need of a healing touch.  Maybe your strength is gone, your body is weak, and your mind is confused.  Maybe you believe in a God who can heal, comfort, and transform...and take that pain.

Be diligent to find Him, to follow Him, and to touch Him.  Make time for Him in your day and invite Him into your pain.  Let your beliefs bring you close to the God who heals...and allow yourself to be made new in His presence. 

 

What Makes a Good Christian:

Isaiah 64:6 
All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags..

Two and a half weeks ago, my husband and I welcomed our son into the world.  He has been such a joy and a blessing in our lives, and he has taken up much of our time along with his blessings.  


As I was falling asleep last night I was thinking about how little time I have actually had to myself lately.  Having two children under the age of two can be taxing on the minutes in the day.  Not only so, but my alone time with God has been little to none throughout the day.  I haven't read my bible much at all throughout the past couple of weeks, and haven't set foot in church either.  My prayer time has been limited, and when I do pray...they are self-centered prayers asking the Lord for energy, strength and wisdom.  No prayers for the poor, no prayers for peace, and no prayers for others. 

For a moment as I contemplated these things, I felt a twinge of guilt.  I felt like a "bad Christian".  I have been given so much, and lately, I have been giving back so little.  

It's easy to fall into the guilt trap, isn't it?  It's easy to look at all that God has done for us and feel embarrassed, ashamed, and  disappointed at what we give back to Him.  

But today I was reminded of something that has really shifted my thinking and challenged my beliefs: 


You see, what makes a good Christian is not how much we give back to Him, but how good we are at receiving his grace.  


His grace, again, and again, and again...


This is ultimately what the Christian life comes down to....a person who understands that no matter where you are in life, what you are or aren't doing, and who you are or aren't, we are all in need of God's saving grace to cover our failures and our failings.  Each and every single day.  


There is no shame in this because in this is the definition of the gospel.  In this is the definition of God's love, pouring down on us even when we are unable...or at times unwilling...to pour it back on Him.  And that is why we love Him, because He first loved us.  


I'm learning to apply these truths in practical ways this week.  I'm learning to receive God's grace and forgiveness over and over again throughout my days.  I'm learning to accept His blessings and his limitless love without a hint of shame or guilt.

I hope you will, too.   

What 5 Years of Marriage Can Do:

1 Corinthians 10:31
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God


Today is my 5 year wedding anniversary.   


Five years ago, I was holding my dad's arm, walking down the long hallway that lead to the doors of the church where hundreds of loved ones sat, waiting to witness the sacred commitment that I would soon make to my soon-to-be- husband.  I had so many thoughts going through my mind, and a dozen emotions flooding my heart but loudest of all was the joy that I would be marrying the man of my dreams and the love of my life.  The entire day was an incredible celebration, filled with laughter, tears, romance, and deep feelings that overwhelm me with just the thought of them.  It was a day that we will never forget as long as we live.  

Fast forward five years.  

My husband is sound asleep on our linen colored couch, with a little newborn on his chest sleeping soundly.  Hours before were filled with about a dozen diaper changes and feedings.  Newborns really like show off  their new found bowels, don't they? 

My daughter is snoozing upstairs, and I am starting to hear her stir through the baby monitor.  Soon enough she will be running around like the energetic 20 month old she is, asking for juice, books, cookies and crackers, dancing to the music and pleading with us to go play outside one more time.  We'll let her, as soon as she uses the potty, which may or may not be a 10-20 minute escapade. 

In exchange for a white gown, I'm wearing a white tank top and yoga pants.  My long flowing hair that was pinned just right is in a crazy looking pony tail.  No time for a tiara today.  John's sharp tuxedo- now a T shirt and a pair of gym shorts.  At least his hair pretty much looks the same as five years ago...maybe a little less endowed now, but who's counting. The beautifully ordained church and reception hall have now transformed into our little townhouse, toys and children's books all across the floor replace the flower petals that escorted me down the aisle.  No guests to witness anything magical today...reminding me that sometimes it's harder to live life well when no one is looking.   

It's amazing to think back on where we were...and where we are today.  I'm overwhelmed with emotions today, in an entirely new way.  I had so many dreams of what marriage would be, of what my future would look like and how God's glory would play out in my life...as I walked down that aisle 5 years ago. 

Most of those dreams have been shattered.  But new ones- greater ones- have been birthed.


The Lord has taken these five years and taught me where true joy is really found- not in a marriage, not in a family, not in a successful and exciting life: it is found in His glory.  Nothing less will do.   

He has taught me to seek his glory in every small thing in my life, offering it back to Him in any way I know how.   Every diaper change, every nursery rhyme, every special moment sitting on the couch with my husband.  Every messy meal, cutting food into little bites, every bubble bath, every bed time story.  Every conversation with my husband, every time I cook a meal, every household chore.  Every embrace, every kiss, every touch.  Every thing in life becomes God's, used for His glory- though it may not appear as we had imagined "glory" to look.

I have watched God's glory invade our lives and our marriage the past five years, and I have seen the evidence of His glory in my life as the fruit of my attitude. 

In the end, I am learning that it's not what I do that brings Him glory, but it is 100% about the way that I do those things.  You learn to stop striving for more, more, more- when life becomes an avenue of giving God glory in what you have and how you react to it...here and now. 

No matter where you are today.  No matter what you have, or haven't accomplished.  No matter how close your dreams, or how far.  No matter who you are with, married or single, children or not...it is so easy to get caught up in what you want, rather than what you have.  It's so easy to see God's glory in what you want to accomplish for Him, rather than what He has already accomplished in you. 

This has been a struggle for me over the past five years, a struggle that I feel I am winning (for once!) today.  I struggle I never imagined entering marriage, and then entering parenting...because from the outside in, it seems that when I have this ___________, _______________ will be okay...

I have learned that the only answer to the blanks...are God's glory being lived out in my life, being thankful, merciful, loving, and gracious in my day to day.  Being grateful to Him for the mundane, routine, ordinary parts of my life.  Nothing else has shown itself to be more worthwhile of my efforts.  

I am reflecting on my blessings this June 9th, 2012.  Every single one of them...ordinary, mundane, and routine.  Most of all, I'm reflecting on my gratitude for the love of my life, my husband (still snoozing, mind you...but looking as handsome as ever!).  May I ever be grateful for him, ever in love with him, and ever honoring him all the days of my life.  May I bring God glory in the way I love and cherish this man. 

Lord, help me not to get caught up in what I want, but only to bring you glory in what I already have. 

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life, and to the God that holds us both together each and every single day.