Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.
I have to be honest...I have mixed feelings about you. A love/hate relationship if you will. It's like looking at two sides of a coin, trying to figure out which one is really you. Part of me wants you so bad...but the other side of me is too scared to jump in.
There are days that you amaze me. I look at you and see the most loving eyes, the most gentle hands, the most open heart. I watch as you take care of your community, as you reach out to the poor and the needy, as you mend the hearts of the broken.
I am overcome by your ability to reach into my loneliness. Reminding me that I'm not all by myself. That someone really does care for and love me. Somehow you always seem to know just what I need...it's as though you had a direct line to God, or something.
I am challenged by the way you give up your time, your money...and your self for others. I'm drawn to the fact that you are so humble, yet so confident. You're honest about the fact that you don't always have it together...but that you're working on it. I love that genuineness...it pushes me to be real with my self as well.
There is something about your smile that seems real to me. It makes me wonder where you get such joy. How you have such strength. It makes me long for what you have.
Sometimes I look at your faith, and the way you hold on with all of your heart...and wish I had something to give my all to.
But then I get stuck. I get stuck because I see the other side to your who you are, and I find myself confused. Because some days you amaze me, but other days you disappoint me.
Other days, it's as though something has come over you. You aren't acting like yourself. You are filled with pride and arrogance, acting like you really know it all and have it all together. It makes me scared to come to you with my problems...because I'm afraid you won't understand.
It breaks my heart to watch you so caught up in the things of this world...money, fame and fortune. It's as though the American Dream has got you on a leash. I thought you talked about bigger things? I thought you said this world wasn't your home? Then why do you seem so comfortable here?
Some days, it's as though you have an opinion about everything. What I should wear, who I should be friends with, what I should eat and drink. I feel judged by you, not loved. I feel as though I am under a magnifying glass...and you're picking me apart, never satisfied to just let me be who I am.
I want to get closer to you...to try and understand you...but your holier-than-thou attitude reminds me that I can't get too close. Maybe I'm not good enough for you. Maybe I'll never be.
Either way, I'm going to keep watching...waiting to see the real you. There's a part of me that wants what you have...but a part of me that's still confused. I'll be here. Waiting for you to show me who you really are. Until then, don't be surprised if I keep my distance. I want to get closer, but I have to keep myself safe.
I hope you figure this out soon. I hope you decide who you really want to be and stick to it. When you do, come find me.
[Inspired by An Open Letter to the Church]
Lessons Learned by Debra Fileta at 9:05 PM