Dear Perfectionists, Just Learn to Be Still:

Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God.

I wrote an article last week for Relevant Magazine titled "When You Can't Pray the Pain Away".  

I'm rather surprised by the response I got from readers, very passionate about the subject matter, advocating the importance of getting one's emotional and psychological world together through the process of therapy.  I got emails from all over the country and even from different parts of the world from men and women who felt that they were validated in their pursuits of professional healing, rather than not feeling "Christian" enough for seeking help. 

But more than anything, the great response and emails reminded me of the truth that people all over are hurting.  Pain and suffering are universal.

One interaction in particular was from a dear friend of mine who is going through a seriously hard time in her life.  She asked me some difficult questions in a public manner, in hopes that the public interaction would be a instrument in helping others.

Even in her pain, she hoped that someone out there might benefit from her struggles and her questions.  Now, that's legit.  To me, that is actually the very indicator of true healing and maturity.  So, dear friend, this post is in honor of you.

S: Debbie: this article is extremely true, factual, and hopefully effective if the individuals you are targeting with this message heed your advice. I can attest to the validity of what you have offered here. Therapy saved my life. Self examination has been the only thing that has helped me change my behavior. Self awareness is often our of my grasp. 

It's only been by friends laying out the realities of my actions and emotions that I've seen what's really wrong with me. Debbie you have personally done this from time to time directly through phone calls and one on one time or through your writings. Lately I've given in to giving up. I honestly have done the opposite. Haven't prayed but just relied on venting all the time to cope. It's less effective... this article is somewhat of a wake up call. 

Genuine question and I expect a practical answer from you: How can you continue to improve when momentum is gone? When friends fail you? When circumstances are too overwhelming? When you become lazy or use excuses? How do you get out of that pattern? I'll call you guys out if your answer is unsatisfactory! 

My Response:  Dear S, First of all, what is up with you asking the most difficult earth shattering questions? That's how you roll, though, isn't it? It's a good question, to be sure...and a hard one. How does one go on in the face of disappointment, disillusionment, pain, and a lack of motivation. This could be an entire article on it's own.

Your question was how do you keep improving, and I want to stop you there...because in my opinion, sometimes staying the same in such difficult times is just as good as improving. Letting the waves crash without causing you to topple over, much less thinking about trying to take steps forward through them. I think we all know when we have reached that most difficult place, and have to be careful not to put too many expectations upon ourselves through such hard times.

On the other hand, there are times when the storm lets up...and we can't use the pain of the past to keep us in the same place. For me personally, I have a hard time moving through such times alone, and I find that surrounding myself with people who help move me forward- friends, family, mentors, counselors- is sometimes what I need to draw upon their strength just so that I can get back on my own two feet and move forward.

Only you know where you are at right now...and how far you can push yourself. Strive to do what you can in the day to day, and to make the best choices in the current hour you are living through, rather than putting so many expectations on yourself for what is to come.

There is always a time for growth and moving forward...but for you, maybe that time isn't now. Maybe it's a time to be still and steady, and keep yourself from moving backwards. Hope that gives some perspective.
 _____

Thanks S, for always having such insight into your life...I think right now, this is a season for you just to be still...and know that He is God.  That's actually sometimes the hardest part.  I think sometimes we put more on ourselves than He ever would.  Praying for you, and thankful that you have a heart to help others even in the midst of your own struggles.  To me, that is true healing.  Give yourself some credit for that.  

Love you, homegirl. 

  

Three Intruders that can Destroy Your Marriage:

1 Corinthians 13:7
[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

When John and I were married, the pastor who married us also happened to be a Licensed Professional Counselor.  I know I may have a slight bias, but they are some wise peeps!

He surprised us all by bringing a few blocks from the nursery room to our formal ceremony in order to conduct his lesson.  Simple blocks, but each shape had a meaning and advice to remember within our marriage.  I loved every lesson these simple toys represented, but one in particular has stayed with me: the Circle.

I'm really struggling lately as I am seeing marriages all around me falling apart.  Couples who have been married as long as 30 years and even those as short as 12 months...all trying to weather the storm, all battling the elements that tear marriages apart, and many times failing.  It breaks my heart to see the suffering that comes from a broken marriage, and the devastating effects it has when a once united body is torn apart in two by the jaws of divorce. 

It makes sense that God hates divorce.  He, more than anyone else, sees the pain it brings to his people.

We have to protect our marriages from the things that can tear it apart.  On the day we were married, John and I were reminded of this truth by contemplating the importance of the Circle, and it's a lesson that we have had to be deliberate in pursuing each and every single day.  

To put it simply, the circle represents boundaries.  It is the wall of protection surrounding your relationship.  The barrier that keeps deadly intruders from finding a way in.  And like it or not, intruders are all around.  They can take on so many forms that if we're not careful, they will find a crack in our walls and slowly seep in.   

In an attempt to guard our marriage from Intruders, my husband and I have been deliberate in keeping a circle around our lives that belongs only to us.  Our marriage is our sacred space, and there are certain components to each other that only we have access to.  We have been careful to protect the things that could easily lead us into the way of an intruder:

1.  Emotions:  Before anything else in an inappropriate relationship comes the root of emotion.  It's important to guard ourselves from interactions that give to someone else a part of us that belongs to our spouse.  Obviously, we need to have great caution when sharing our hearts with someone of the opposite gender, because there are parts of us that are "magnetic" when shared with the heart of another, and should be shared with no one but our spouse.  There are certain conversations that I choose to partake in ONLY with my husband, and he with me. 

But even more subtlety dangerous, I have found there to be truth in this matter even when it comes to same sex relationships.  Women, in particular, love to connect on a deeper level, and there's nothing wrong with that.  The problem comes when those interactions are taking the place of the depths of connection that we are meant to have with our spouse.  Sometimes, even venting to our friends about our marriage can be enough of an out to keep us from "venting" to our husbands.  A lot of communication between spouses is lost because it is finding it's way out through other relationships.  It's important to be proactive about connecting with your spouse, sharing your heart, your feelings, your dreams.   We are created to connect, so we will either bring that need to our spouse or allow it to be filled by intruders. 

2.  Interactions:  My husband and I are very deliberate about the choices we make when it comes to interacting with the world around us.  From what comes out of our mouths, to what we write in emails, to the way we handle our body language- we make a choice to honor each other in everything that we do.  We have built a trust with one another, a trust that started from the first day that we met.  Because of that trust, we have full access to each others lives and anything that has to do with interactions with other people including emails, text messages, computers, conversations, etc. etc.  The trust that we have with each other comes with certain responsibilities, but that trust also allows us to share in an intimate freedom with one another that far outweighs the sacrifices and responsibilities.   

3.  Time:  This is the quietest of intruders, but one that is ravaging many homes because of it's silent entrance.  Our time is a valuable commodity that should be invested in the people that we love and cherish the most, and given to those who we are committed to.  For us, we choose to invest our time in each other. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm up for the occasional ladies night and John has his time to connect with his friends, but when the two of us are available, we do our best to use that time to connect with each other and instead use our "free time" to connect with our friends.  This takes some extra work, some looking ahead at schedules, some planning and preparation.  But it allows us to use our time for each other to the best of our ability and to put each other first.

Although even if you are together every moment, that doesn't protect you from the Intruder of Time.  Time can slip away with your separate hobbies and interests.  You can be in the same room, but find that the time you are spending is really not being invested in each other at all.  With all the modern distractions of Facebook, Pinterest, Reality TV, and yes....even blogging...you can find that your time is being given to the inanimate in exchange for the intimate. 


Protecting your marriage from intruders is a daily task. We've been mindful of that for the past five years, and we pray that God will continue to keep us on guard...always protecting, always trusting,  always hoping, and always persevering in our marriage and in our love. 

I pray the same for you as well. 

All The Single Ladies: The Mating Game

"And the Lord God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Genesis 2:18)

My husband and I were watching the television series called Planet Earth.  You may be familiar with it.  Videographers enter into some of the most intricate and untread parts of our planet and capture it on film.  This particular episode was about animals of the jungles.

How does this pertain to single ladies?  Well, I’m getting there…

One thing is for sure: you cannot help but witness the extravagant displays on this earth without standing in awe of the Creator himself.  God was so deliberate as he intimately wove the fabrics of this earth together, from animals to plants to human beings.  I believe that we can learn so much about life by getting a glimpse into His creation.

You see, as I was watching the dynamics of jungle birds mating in this particular episode, and as I listened to the commentator discuss the procedure- I couldn’t help but parallel these truths with our own human relationships.  In looking at birds, I wonder if we’ve somehow gotten it all backwards.

Let me give you a few of my observations:

1.  The first thing I noticed was that it was the male birds who were extravagant and ornate.  Bright and beautiful colors and patterns, lavish feathers of all shapes and sizes, loud and boisterous chirps and calls.  But the females, well, they were “modest” as the commentator pointed out.  Plain in their appearance.  Dull colors, quiet chirps.  They were out simply to be won, with no need to dress or impress.  They had an innate knowledge that they were valuable, and that they deserved great things.  And so they sat, quietly, waiting confidently for the pursuit. 

2.  The second thing I noticed was that the females were very picky.  Even with the bright colors and bold noises of the males, it would take "nothing short of an outstanding performance" for them to even have a shot with the highly valued females.  They would settle for nothing less than the best.  Nothing less than magnificence.

3.  The third thing I observed was that there was no desperation on the part of the female birds.  No need to make sure they got to the right place, were wearing the right feathers, or had the right body style.  They sat patiently, just where they were at.  They knew that in the end the males would find them because they were made to find them.  And in the end, it always worked out that way. 

I look at these standard in light of my past experiences.  I look at them in light of the experiences of countless women I meet every day in my counseling office.  I look at them in light of story after story of broken hearts and a desperate desire to be loved, to be valued. It seems as though our culture has really set us up for despair.

We live in a society that is completely opposed to this model of pursuit.  Call me old fashioned, but I am convinced that we’ve adapted a currency of value that has nothing to do with true love, and everything to do with sex appeal, fashion, and beauty. A culture that has fooled women into believing that they must earn the right to be loved.   A culture in which women have become the pursuers rather than the pursued...

...dancing around, ruffling our feathers, showing off our colors in the desperation of finding someone to love us- all the while trying to convince ourselves that we are worth being loved.  A culture of women no longer believing they have the right to be picky, but rather to, “take what you can get”.  A culture that has forgotten that they are worth remarkable, and that they are worth magnificent. 

As I reflect on these things I’m left with two prayers:

Women, may you be challenged to acknowledge and accept your true value in the eyes of your Creator.  May you be strengthened to settle for nothing less than seeing that level of worth in the eyes of the one who pursues you.  

Men, may you be challenged to become more and more magnificent and remarkable as you draw closer to the One who created you, relying on his sanctification at work in your life to produce in you this level of splendor. 

And may you then come together in the beautiful unity of relationships.  A beauty that reflects the majesty and the brilliance of our Creator. 

All the single ladies…be encouraged.

I'm Not Jesus: Reflections on Good Friday

Luke 22:42
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

I've been reflecting on Jesus a lot this past week.  

The past few weeks have been some of the most mentally demanding weeks I've ever been through.  I have a lot on my plate and the drain of pregnancy has not helped ease those things along.  I've felt overwhelmed at times, isolated, and feeling like no one really understands the energy I have to give day in and day out.

But this week, I've thought of Jesus.  I've closed my eyes and imagined Him.  A lonely man, facing the most difficult week of his entire life.  For Him, this was also a week filled with struggles.  A week that was heavy with emotions of what was to come.  A week that was so exhausting to the point that His body had nothing left to give but blood, sweat, and tears.  This week my Savior was drained: mentally, emotionally, and physically...as He walked toward the road of Calvary, where He would ultimately lay down His life for me.

My initial reaction to this thinking was to beat myself up with guilt thinking, "How can you complain about your life, when you consider all that Jesus had to go through".          

But I had to stop myself and recognize my unhealthy thinking.

You see,  I am not Jesus.

The burden that He carried was meant for me...but God's loving grace knew that I could not bear it, and so He asked Jesus to bear it for me.  Only Jesus could bear it.  Only Jesus can bear it.  

If He can carry that, can He not carry this too?

In reflecting on this week of Christ's suffering, I think we do damage by comparing our struggles to His, rather than casting our struggles onto Him. 


I'm thankful for the weight that God carried on His shoulders for me 2,000 years ago...but I am also thankful for that which He carries for me every...single...day.

I'm thankful that I am not Jesus...and I am overwhelmed with gratitude that He is....

Kiwis, Sex Trafficking, and Broken Hearts: What You Can Do About It:

2 Corinthians 1:4
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

I opened a devastating email from the president of  War International (Women at Risk).  It was about a baby called "Sweetie" from South Asia who is being held captive in the Red Light District, chained to a pole, and withheld from love and affection.  She is being raised in this way so as to get her accustomed to the life of prostitution that she will one day enter.

The WAR team was sneaking into the brothel where she was being raised, under the guise of "customers", but really there to hold bible studies for the women, and have some time to hold and rock the baby, praying for her fervently with each rock.

A innocent baby, being neglected and abused at the hands of sex traffickers.  This is happening today.  Right now.  As you read these words.   

Devastation is all around us. 

This morning I walked into the grocery store and saw a man holding a baby that looked to be his granddaughter.  He was so enthralled with her that he was blocking the entry way, so I excused myself, made a kind comment, and passed by.  He found me later in one of the aisles and explained to me that he was holding his baby granddaughter, who he hasn't seen for 3 weeks.

He went onto explain that he has been home, non-stop, caring for his son around the clock- who is dying of a brain tumor.  That son also happens to be the father of this little baby girl.  This 18 year old son has been through extensive chemo and radiation, and now is home with hospice care, just waiting to die.  The man welled up with tears telling me his story.

Broken hearts are all around us. 

I asked for his son's name, and told him I would be praying for his son...and then I reached out my hand and asked him if I could pray...now.  He looked honored and surprised, and accepted my request.

There we stood, in front of the kiwis and mangoes, with all the world passing us by.  They were there to get their groceries, but we were there calling on the God who had more on his mind than fruits and vegetables...this was a God moment, to be sure.  Even in the middle of a grocery store. 

When we finished praying, he said to me "I am overwhelmed...I want you to know that I will never forget this moment as long as I live".

The moment a random stay-at-home mom, in yoga pants and a sweatshirt...took time out of her "busy life" to look at the devastation and broken hearts around her, and do something about it.

Don't get me wrong, I am no superhero....far from it.  In fact, I don't think I could have found anything EASIER to do than pray...I didn't offer money, I didn't provide my counseling services, and I didn't heal his son...

But we connected. Two broken people connected before an Almighty God.  A God who heals, a God who comforts, a God who cares. 

Sometimes you read those emails....about poor little babies in South Asia, and the incredible women who are taking the time to risk their lives to visit this baby and disciple these broken women of the Red Light District...

You read these emails and you look at the devastation that surrounds and you think, wow, I have got nothing to offer...

You are so terribly wrong.  

Not only do you have something to offer, you have EVERYTHING.  There is comfort that has been poured out to you on behalf of an Almighty God...so that you, can comfort others.


The problem is not whether or not we have something to offer, it's whether or not we allow ourselves to take the TIME.  

The time to step out of our selfish, superficial worlds, and look around. 

So You Think You Can Dance...For Others?

Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

I have a friend who is the most incredible encourager ever.  

Seriously.  No matter what kind of good things are going on in my life...whether as small as getting a new hair cut, or as huge as signing with an awesome literary agent- she totally rejoices.  She allows her heart to be captured by my emotions and by my life.  You can hear the excitement in her voice, and you can tell it's SO genuine.  Sometimes, I feel like she's about to break out in dance.  I joke with her that she's my biggest fan...and she has been ever since we were kids.  She really, truly rejoices when I rejoice.

I wish I could say the same about all of my friends...but I can't.  I actually have a category of people in my life who I CAN'T share good things with.  Fears of tension, jealousy, and the potential competitiveness that may creep into those conversations keeps me absolutely silent when good things are going on.  So I keep quiet.

As much as that bothers me and gives me the feeling that I can't truly be real...I totally get it, because I too have a bit of disgusting covetousness in me.  A pride that wants the good things for myself.  Why is it hard to hear the blessings in the lives of others?  Why is it sometimes easier to mourn with the people around us than to rejoice?

I don't know for sure...but from my experience in my own life, the dirty culprit comes down to nothing more dangerous than the plague of insecurity.  

Insecurity causes us to rise up in comparison to others rather than to celebrate ourselves.
Insecurity forces us to think we need to achieve, to have, to be in order to gain value.
Insecurity tricks us into believing that when others are have more...we have less.

It's an evil little creature, slithering about with the intent of killing our joy...and our ability to rejoice.

The ironic thing is that at the end of the disease of insecurity, we are robbed of rejoicing with others...but we are also stripped of our ability to rejoice in ourselves.  

I don't know about you, but I want to experience more joy.  I want to be the "biggest fan" to the people in my life.  I want my heart to flutter and rejoice in response to their blessings, to their successes, to their achievements.  I want to experience the joy that comes with feeling the joy in the lives of the people around me.    


Take inventory...how are you at rejoicing for others?  How deep does your joy run for the people around you, when God pours His blessing on them?  What feelings come to the surface when you are faced with the prosperity of the people in your life?

Don't be fooled, the inability to rejoice for others is a symptom of something far greater than a simple lack of emotion.

Ask Jesus to come into this part of your life. To fill you with value, worth, and a security beyond what you can try to scrape up for yourself.  To see the all-encompassing beauty of Him rejoicing over YOU...dancing over you...so that one day, you too, can learn to dance for others. 

Emotional "Sex": How Far is Too Far?

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

How far is too far?  I'm sure it's no surprise to hear that I get asked this question all the time from well-meaning young adults, looking to set up some boundaries in their physical relationships.

But I'm not going to answer that question today.   

Don't get me wrong, as a professional counselor and as a woman who has gone through the world of dating, I think this question is really important and is one that requires some serious thought and consideration.  It's important to put mental time and energy in questions like this and to set your limits within a dating relationship.

But is the physical really the most important thing?  It seems to me that our Christian society can get so fixated on the "physical" aspects of intimacy, that we neglect the emotional and spiritual components that can be just as binding and just as devastating in the end. 

There is some deep power in emotional intimacy, more power than we give it credit.  More powerful than a kiss, more seductive than an embrace, there is something that happens when two people connect emotionally.  Something that has the capacity to outweigh even the physical.  A sort of "emotional sex" that can be just as harmful and heartbreaking, when it moves too deep, too fast. 

I could write an entire chapter on this topic (actually, I'm working on one right now for my upcoming book!) but for now, I'm going to keep it simple.  I want to point out a few things to consider in order to avoid the pain of emotional bonding in a relationship...a relationship that may never translate into marriage:

1.  Play together....don't Pray together:  This might sound silly, but to be honest I know of so many couples who started their relationship by investing time in deep spiritual prayer together and seeking God's will with one another.  While this sounds well and good...in my opinion, it's actually a really dangerous road to travel at such early stages in a relationship.

Seeking the heart of God and pouring out your heart and soul to Him through prayer is one of the most emotionally vulnerable places you will ever be.  It's good to pray about your relationship and to seek God's voice...but don't seek it together. Seek God as an individual...don't allow your relationship with Him to become a trio prematurely.  There will be a day for that "holy trinity" of relationship...but it's not during dating. 

Your dating relationship in it's early stages is meant to be a time of getting to know each other, and learning all the superficial things you can know before taking it to the next level. Use this season for just that!  Don't go too deep too fast, because the emotional intimacy that comes with deep shared moments like this can actually pull you in far deeper than you were ever meant to go, and in the end, leave you with a broken heart...and a broken spirit.

2.  Know when to be Open...and then know when to Close: I think the period of dating is such a special one.  It's a time to really get to know someone and invest in who they are.  It's a time to let your guard down a little at a time and begin to share the truths of who you are.

But that's the key word.  A little...at...a...time.  When you enter into relationship, you should be at a point in your life where you are ready to be open, ready to share, and ready to communicate.  But there should always be limits to this kind of openness.  There are times to be open and share your heart...but, there are also times to withhold.

I don't recommend sitting down at your first date and spilling every detail and secret in your life.  Relationships should be seen as a journey of building trust.  You build a little at a time.  You give a little at a time.  Lay the foundations...then begin building the house.  I'll tell you what DOESN'T help this process....late night conversations.  You know what I'm talking about.  The 3am talks when there is absolutely no filter, and you find yourself sharing and revealing far more than you ever intended on.  Be real, be genuine, and be honest...but never without the anchor of boundaries and the weight of wisdom.


3.  Avoid talking about commitment, before you've actually committed:  There is such a temptation to talk about the future when you're dating.  You want to dream together, to envision the future together, and to create this world up ahead to live for.  I think there is a time and place for this kind of discussion.  Later on in a relationship it's important to be on the same page and to have a similar outlook on what is to come relationally.

But let's be honest...that conversation should not be happening early on in a dating relationship.  It's a problem when people commit to things far beyond the place they are at relationally.  It's a problem when you commit to the future, before you've actually committed to the present.

Take your time, allow your relationship to go through the necessary seasons before you allow your conversation to jump ahead.  Because where your conversation goes...your heart will go, too.

We always hear Christians talk about "guarding your heart".  It's become so cliche that I'm afraid that phrase may have actually lost it's significance.  God knows how fragile our hearts can be, and he begs us to take the time to protect them, to watch over them, and to take care of them.  But guarding your heart does not come in the form of some magical process or spiritual language...it is practical, every day decisions. 

Guard your heart...because out of it, flows your entire life.  That's legit.