There are Two Kinds of People:

Colossians 3:23
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.  


I learn a lot from being a counselor.  I have the opportunity to observe and interact with all kinds of people from a very intimate perspective.  I see their problems and struggles in an up close and personal way.

This process has taught me a lot about people, myself included.  One of my most recent lessons is that there are two kinds of people functioning in society.    

Those who are reactive, and those who are proactive.  

It might sound like a simple concept, but I've found that people who are proactive have a tendency thrive and blossom in this world- though it may bring struggles and strife, while people who are reactive are at the mercy of the world around them.  Tossed to and fro by the waves of life.  Unable to stand on their own two feet.   

If you take some time to stop and think, you'll probably be amazed at how many things you do in life that are out of reaction. 

Action: The phone rings. 
Reaction: You answer it. 

Action:  Baby cries.
Reaction:  You feed the baby.

Action:  Spouse says something inconsiderate.
Reaction: Negative emotions lead to lashing out at them.

Action:  Weight gain.
Reaction: Time to exercise. 


Being reactive throughout our day is an inevitable process.  Lots of things happen in life that force us to move and act one way or the other. 

But what really sets people apart is the fact that some choose to lead their lives, while others choose to simply follow it.   

Proactive people don't wait for something to make them move, instead, they create their way.  They are the type of people who would never settle for less than what they know is best in their lives, no matter what life happens to throw at them.

Proactive people are the ones who would never be caught saying:

"It will happen if it's meant to happen"- because they would be out there doing it.
"He will break up with me if he's not the one"- instead would be finding out the dynamics of the relationship and doing the breaking up.
"No one calls me, and I'm feeling lonely"- rather, the phone would be in their hand making calls and setting up plans.
"The right job will land in my lap"- because they would be setting up interviews and passing our resumes.

God calls us to live this life, to lead this life, and to direct this life.  All throughout the Scriptures He uses proactive words like "go, do, pray, make, work, be". 

Not only that, but the greatest example of a proactive life is the life of precious Jesus, who took it upon Himself to step into history in order to change the future...rather than wait around to see what would happen.
 
The challenge I'm faced with is this:  we are in charge of directing our lives and responsible for where our lives go.  Let us see our lives as valuable enough that they are worth investing in.  Let us take charge of the things we can change, stepping into our worlds and changing our futures rather than let this world force us into places that we were never intended to go.

Let's choose to live this life proactively for a God who lives proactively for us.


  

3 Things Marriage Doesn't Do: In case All You Single Peeps Were Wondering

Genesis 2:18
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

I meet with young singles all the time in my counseling practice and get emails from all over the world from young adults looking for love.  They long to be married and have an insatiable desire inside of their heart to meet the significant other who they can finally call, "the one".

I remember being in that place not too long ago.    It's hard to imagine marriage accurately from the perspective of a single young adult.  Even with all the chaos modeled in modern day marriages all around us, somehow the idea of marriage still gets idolized beyond reasonable expectations.  Everyone believes that their marriage will be different, looking to Hollywood dreams and romance as their example. 

It's easy to fall into the lie that finding your spouse will be the ultimate road to happiness and great satisfaction.  That all problems, fears, and deficits will fade away in the presence of true love.    That may be true of God's love...but let me tell you, it sure ain't true in the world of love and marriage.

Don't get me wrong.  I love being married.  I believe I'm married to the greatest man alive (go figure!) but somehow, he still manages to disappoint sometimes.  And I certainly have the tendency to let him down (I know, shocking!).

For all the things that marriage has done to enhance my life and stretch my love, there are still some things that it will never be able to do.  Here's what I've discovered: 

1.  Marriage doesn't delete your insecurities:  I'm not sure why I ever thought it would.  For some reason, the idea of being loved unconditionally by another human being seemed like it would do the trick in helping me feel better about myself.  I thought that being married and seeing love through the eyes of another would really teach me how to love myself.  Wrong.  So very wrong.

I think that way of thinking has done more harm than good to many a marriage in our world.  No one has the power to deal with our inadequacies and insecurities but us.  Putting those insane expectations on a spouse will only cause harm, because there is a 100% chance that they can't really change how we view ourselves.

No matter how much encouragement, affection, affirmation, and validation I get from my husband...at the end of the day, true security comes when I choose to see myself through the eyes of my God, not through the eyes of my spouse (or anyone else for that matter).  Relying on your spouse to fill those insatiable needs is a recipe for disaster- because frankly, even my superman husband lacks the capability to offer me what I need for true value and self worth.  That can only come from within.  My security comes from my relationship with God, and then whatever praises and encouragement my husband gives to me is simply the overflow. 

2.  Marriage can't give you purpose: One thing that I had a hard time attending a Christian college, is glimpsing the attitude of women who were out to fulfill one mission in life: Finding a godly man.  Don't get me wrong, I personally was on the lookout....but there was something behind the drive of these young girls that really disturbed me.  Their sole purpose in life was to catch a man.  They even joked that they were there to get their "MRS." degree...

Something has gone terribly wrong when young Christians believe that their sole purpose in life is to find marital love.  First of all, this belief is dangerous in that it robs us of true joy and purpose in life...purpose that can never be taken away.  The bible encourages us to live this life for God's glory...to love Him and to love others, making a difference in the world by displaying this kind of love.  We are each made for a unique purpose and design far beyond the scope of marriage and relationships.  Though marriage can be an incredible gift, it is a means to the end, not the end itself.

When we see relationships as the end of the road of purpose, we find ourselves facing a wall of disappointment with no where left to go when we finally arrive.  Marriage may be the avenue in fulfilling our purpose, but it is not the final destination.  We need to seek God's purpose for our lives FAR beyond just finding a spouse, and allow His purpose to be the course that guides our lives and our direction.  Rather than asking what God can do for us, we need to look to Him in seeking what WE can do for HIM.  In this is true purpose.  And who knows, we might just run into a spouse a long the way...this one, I can personally vouch for. 

3.  Marriage won't make you whole:  I remember watching a Beth Moore video in which she used the analogy of a cup in assessing the heart of a Christian.  I love the analogy, because our emotional worlds are certainly like cups.  We either feel full, or empty throughout our lives.  One problem I see with young adults is that they live their lives half-full.  Not really knowing themselves, not really taking time to assess their needs, deal with their problems, habits, and hang ups....they seek out relationships in hopes that those relationships will fill them up and make them whole.  They bring their wounds to relationships for bandaging, not realizing that two broken and wounded people can be of no help to one another.

Marriage can be a source of motivation and encouragement, but it can never make you whole.  Your spouse cannot bring healing into your life and renewed thinking into your mind.  The road to healing must be seen as your own personal journey...one that you must walk alone.  You will never feel whole in the presence of your mate if you don't feel whole on your own.

God's design for marriage is to bring two whole people together, giving them double the strength to reach a lost and dying world.  Now mind you, I didn't say perfect....I said whole.  We are not expected to reach perfection before marriage, because that would make for a whole lot of single people here on earth.  But though we can't be perfect, we can reach for healing and choose to take control of the things that we can change in our lives.  God grants wholeness to those who are willing...

So before you jump into a relationship with insane expectations, consider where you are at as a single man or woman.  Consider how much you have allowed Jesus to bring security, purpose, and healing into your life.  Rather than seeing your spouse as the missing piece to your puzzle, the road to marriage should be seen as two people, figuring out the puzzle together.

It is  about finding a comrade, not ultimate contentment.  It is about finding a help mate, not a healer.     

Get your ideas straight now, while you are single...and give your future spouse the most beautiful gift of realistic expectations. 

Dear Christian: An Open Letter from the World

Revisiting some of my most popular posts.  Hope this one encourages you!

Philippians 2:5
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.


Dear Christian,

I have to be honest...I have mixed feelings about you.  A love/hate relationship if you will.  It's like looking at two sides of a coin, trying to figure out which one is really you.  Part of me wants you so bad...but the other side of me is too scared to jump in. 

There are days that you amaze me.  I look at you and see the most loving eyes, the most gentle hands, the most open heart.  I watch as you take care of your community, as you reach out to the poor and the needy, as you mend the hearts of the broken.

I am overcome by your ability to reach into my loneliness.  Reminding me that I'm not all by myself.  That someone really does care for and love me.  Somehow you always seem to know just what I need...it's as though you had a direct line to God, or something.

I am challenged by the way you give up your time, your money...and your self for others.  I'm drawn to the fact that you are so humble, yet so confident.  You're honest about the fact that you don't always have it together...but that you're working on it.  I love that genuineness...it pushes me to be real with my self as well.

There is something about your smile that seems real to me.  It makes me wonder where you get such joy.  How you have such strength.  It makes me long for what you have. 

Sometimes I look at your faith, and the way you hold on with all of your heart...and wish I had something to give my all to.

But then I get stuck.  I get stuck because I see the other side to your who you are, and I find myself confused.  Because some days you amaze me, but other days you disappoint me.

Other days, it's as though something has come over you.  You aren't acting like yourself.  You are filled with pride and arrogance, acting like you really know it all and have it all together.  It makes me scared to come to you with my problems...because I'm afraid you won't understand.

It breaks my heart to watch you so caught up in the things of this world...money, fame and fortune.  It's as though the American Dream has got you on a leash.  I thought you talked about bigger things?  I thought you said this world wasn't your home?  Then why do you seem so comfortable here?

Some days, it's as though you have an opinion about everything.  What I should wear, who I should be friends with, what I should eat and drink.  I feel judged by you, not loved.  I feel as though I am under a magnifying glass...and you're picking me apart, never satisfied to just let me be who I am.

I want to get closer to you...to try and understand you...but your holier-than-thou attitude reminds me that I can't get too close.  Maybe I'm not good enough for you.  Maybe I'll never be.

Either way, I'm going to keep watching...waiting to see the real you.  There's a part of me that wants what you have...but a part of me that's still confused.  I'll be here.  Waiting for you to show me who you really are.  Until then, don't be surprised if I keep my distance.  I want to get closer, but I have to keep myself safe.

I hope you figure this out soon.  I hope you decide who you really want to be and stick to it.  When you do, come find me. 

Cautiously watching,


The World

Dear Perfectionists, Just Learn to Be Still:

Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God.

I wrote an article last week for Relevant Magazine titled "When You Can't Pray the Pain Away".  

I'm rather surprised by the response I got from readers, very passionate about the subject matter, advocating the importance of getting one's emotional and psychological world together through the process of therapy.  I got emails from all over the country and even from different parts of the world from men and women who felt that they were validated in their pursuits of professional healing, rather than not feeling "Christian" enough for seeking help. 

But more than anything, the great response and emails reminded me of the truth that people all over are hurting.  Pain and suffering are universal.

One interaction in particular was from a dear friend of mine who is going through a seriously hard time in her life.  She asked me some difficult questions in a public manner, in hopes that the public interaction would be a instrument in helping others.

Even in her pain, she hoped that someone out there might benefit from her struggles and her questions.  Now, that's legit.  To me, that is actually the very indicator of true healing and maturity.  So, dear friend, this post is in honor of you.

S: Debbie: this article is extremely true, factual, and hopefully effective if the individuals you are targeting with this message heed your advice. I can attest to the validity of what you have offered here. Therapy saved my life. Self examination has been the only thing that has helped me change my behavior. Self awareness is often our of my grasp. 

It's only been by friends laying out the realities of my actions and emotions that I've seen what's really wrong with me. Debbie you have personally done this from time to time directly through phone calls and one on one time or through your writings. Lately I've given in to giving up. I honestly have done the opposite. Haven't prayed but just relied on venting all the time to cope. It's less effective... this article is somewhat of a wake up call. 

Genuine question and I expect a practical answer from you: How can you continue to improve when momentum is gone? When friends fail you? When circumstances are too overwhelming? When you become lazy or use excuses? How do you get out of that pattern? I'll call you guys out if your answer is unsatisfactory! 

My Response:  Dear S, First of all, what is up with you asking the most difficult earth shattering questions? That's how you roll, though, isn't it? It's a good question, to be sure...and a hard one. How does one go on in the face of disappointment, disillusionment, pain, and a lack of motivation. This could be an entire article on it's own.

Your question was how do you keep improving, and I want to stop you there...because in my opinion, sometimes staying the same in such difficult times is just as good as improving. Letting the waves crash without causing you to topple over, much less thinking about trying to take steps forward through them. I think we all know when we have reached that most difficult place, and have to be careful not to put too many expectations upon ourselves through such hard times.

On the other hand, there are times when the storm lets up...and we can't use the pain of the past to keep us in the same place. For me personally, I have a hard time moving through such times alone, and I find that surrounding myself with people who help move me forward- friends, family, mentors, counselors- is sometimes what I need to draw upon their strength just so that I can get back on my own two feet and move forward.

Only you know where you are at right now...and how far you can push yourself. Strive to do what you can in the day to day, and to make the best choices in the current hour you are living through, rather than putting so many expectations on yourself for what is to come.

There is always a time for growth and moving forward...but for you, maybe that time isn't now. Maybe it's a time to be still and steady, and keep yourself from moving backwards. Hope that gives some perspective.
 _____

Thanks S, for always having such insight into your life...I think right now, this is a season for you just to be still...and know that He is God.  That's actually sometimes the hardest part.  I think sometimes we put more on ourselves than He ever would.  Praying for you, and thankful that you have a heart to help others even in the midst of your own struggles.  To me, that is true healing.  Give yourself some credit for that.  

Love you, homegirl. 

  

Three Intruders that can Destroy Your Marriage:

1 Corinthians 13:7
[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

When John and I were married, the pastor who married us also happened to be a Licensed Professional Counselor.  I know I may have a slight bias, but they are some wise peeps!

He surprised us all by bringing a few blocks from the nursery room to our formal ceremony in order to conduct his lesson.  Simple blocks, but each shape had a meaning and advice to remember within our marriage.  I loved every lesson these simple toys represented, but one in particular has stayed with me: the Circle.

I'm really struggling lately as I am seeing marriages all around me falling apart.  Couples who have been married as long as 30 years and even those as short as 12 months...all trying to weather the storm, all battling the elements that tear marriages apart, and many times failing.  It breaks my heart to see the suffering that comes from a broken marriage, and the devastating effects it has when a once united body is torn apart in two by the jaws of divorce. 

It makes sense that God hates divorce.  He, more than anyone else, sees the pain it brings to his people.

We have to protect our marriages from the things that can tear it apart.  On the day we were married, John and I were reminded of this truth by contemplating the importance of the Circle, and it's a lesson that we have had to be deliberate in pursuing each and every single day.  

To put it simply, the circle represents boundaries.  It is the wall of protection surrounding your relationship.  The barrier that keeps deadly intruders from finding a way in.  And like it or not, intruders are all around.  They can take on so many forms that if we're not careful, they will find a crack in our walls and slowly seep in.   

In an attempt to guard our marriage from Intruders, my husband and I have been deliberate in keeping a circle around our lives that belongs only to us.  Our marriage is our sacred space, and there are certain components to each other that only we have access to.  We have been careful to protect the things that could easily lead us into the way of an intruder:

1.  Emotions:  Before anything else in an inappropriate relationship comes the root of emotion.  It's important to guard ourselves from interactions that give to someone else a part of us that belongs to our spouse.  Obviously, we need to have great caution when sharing our hearts with someone of the opposite gender, because there are parts of us that are "magnetic" when shared with the heart of another, and should be shared with no one but our spouse.  There are certain conversations that I choose to partake in ONLY with my husband, and he with me. 

But even more subtlety dangerous, I have found there to be truth in this matter even when it comes to same sex relationships.  Women, in particular, love to connect on a deeper level, and there's nothing wrong with that.  The problem comes when those interactions are taking the place of the depths of connection that we are meant to have with our spouse.  Sometimes, even venting to our friends about our marriage can be enough of an out to keep us from "venting" to our husbands.  A lot of communication between spouses is lost because it is finding it's way out through other relationships.  It's important to be proactive about connecting with your spouse, sharing your heart, your feelings, your dreams.   We are created to connect, so we will either bring that need to our spouse or allow it to be filled by intruders. 

2.  Interactions:  My husband and I are very deliberate about the choices we make when it comes to interacting with the world around us.  From what comes out of our mouths, to what we write in emails, to the way we handle our body language- we make a choice to honor each other in everything that we do.  We have built a trust with one another, a trust that started from the first day that we met.  Because of that trust, we have full access to each others lives and anything that has to do with interactions with other people including emails, text messages, computers, conversations, etc. etc.  The trust that we have with each other comes with certain responsibilities, but that trust also allows us to share in an intimate freedom with one another that far outweighs the sacrifices and responsibilities.   

3.  Time:  This is the quietest of intruders, but one that is ravaging many homes because of it's silent entrance.  Our time is a valuable commodity that should be invested in the people that we love and cherish the most, and given to those who we are committed to.  For us, we choose to invest our time in each other. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm up for the occasional ladies night and John has his time to connect with his friends, but when the two of us are available, we do our best to use that time to connect with each other and instead use our "free time" to connect with our friends.  This takes some extra work, some looking ahead at schedules, some planning and preparation.  But it allows us to use our time for each other to the best of our ability and to put each other first.

Although even if you are together every moment, that doesn't protect you from the Intruder of Time.  Time can slip away with your separate hobbies and interests.  You can be in the same room, but find that the time you are spending is really not being invested in each other at all.  With all the modern distractions of Facebook, Pinterest, Reality TV, and yes....even blogging...you can find that your time is being given to the inanimate in exchange for the intimate. 


Protecting your marriage from intruders is a daily task. We've been mindful of that for the past five years, and we pray that God will continue to keep us on guard...always protecting, always trusting,  always hoping, and always persevering in our marriage and in our love. 

I pray the same for you as well. 

All The Single Ladies: The Mating Game

"And the Lord God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Genesis 2:18)

My husband and I were watching the television series called Planet Earth.  You may be familiar with it.  Videographers enter into some of the most intricate and untread parts of our planet and capture it on film.  This particular episode was about animals of the jungles.

How does this pertain to single ladies?  Well, I’m getting there…

One thing is for sure: you cannot help but witness the extravagant displays on this earth without standing in awe of the Creator himself.  God was so deliberate as he intimately wove the fabrics of this earth together, from animals to plants to human beings.  I believe that we can learn so much about life by getting a glimpse into His creation.

You see, as I was watching the dynamics of jungle birds mating in this particular episode, and as I listened to the commentator discuss the procedure- I couldn’t help but parallel these truths with our own human relationships.  In looking at birds, I wonder if we’ve somehow gotten it all backwards.

Let me give you a few of my observations:

1.  The first thing I noticed was that it was the male birds who were extravagant and ornate.  Bright and beautiful colors and patterns, lavish feathers of all shapes and sizes, loud and boisterous chirps and calls.  But the females, well, they were “modest” as the commentator pointed out.  Plain in their appearance.  Dull colors, quiet chirps.  They were out simply to be won, with no need to dress or impress.  They had an innate knowledge that they were valuable, and that they deserved great things.  And so they sat, quietly, waiting confidently for the pursuit. 

2.  The second thing I noticed was that the females were very picky.  Even with the bright colors and bold noises of the males, it would take "nothing short of an outstanding performance" for them to even have a shot with the highly valued females.  They would settle for nothing less than the best.  Nothing less than magnificence.

3.  The third thing I observed was that there was no desperation on the part of the female birds.  No need to make sure they got to the right place, were wearing the right feathers, or had the right body style.  They sat patiently, just where they were at.  They knew that in the end the males would find them because they were made to find them.  And in the end, it always worked out that way. 

I look at these standard in light of my past experiences.  I look at them in light of the experiences of countless women I meet every day in my counseling office.  I look at them in light of story after story of broken hearts and a desperate desire to be loved, to be valued. It seems as though our culture has really set us up for despair.

We live in a society that is completely opposed to this model of pursuit.  Call me old fashioned, but I am convinced that we’ve adapted a currency of value that has nothing to do with true love, and everything to do with sex appeal, fashion, and beauty. A culture that has fooled women into believing that they must earn the right to be loved.   A culture in which women have become the pursuers rather than the pursued...

...dancing around, ruffling our feathers, showing off our colors in the desperation of finding someone to love us- all the while trying to convince ourselves that we are worth being loved.  A culture of women no longer believing they have the right to be picky, but rather to, “take what you can get”.  A culture that has forgotten that they are worth remarkable, and that they are worth magnificent. 

As I reflect on these things I’m left with two prayers:

Women, may you be challenged to acknowledge and accept your true value in the eyes of your Creator.  May you be strengthened to settle for nothing less than seeing that level of worth in the eyes of the one who pursues you.  

Men, may you be challenged to become more and more magnificent and remarkable as you draw closer to the One who created you, relying on his sanctification at work in your life to produce in you this level of splendor. 

And may you then come together in the beautiful unity of relationships.  A beauty that reflects the majesty and the brilliance of our Creator. 

All the single ladies…be encouraged.

I'm Not Jesus: Reflections on Good Friday

Luke 22:42
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

I've been reflecting on Jesus a lot this past week.  

The past few weeks have been some of the most mentally demanding weeks I've ever been through.  I have a lot on my plate and the drain of pregnancy has not helped ease those things along.  I've felt overwhelmed at times, isolated, and feeling like no one really understands the energy I have to give day in and day out.

But this week, I've thought of Jesus.  I've closed my eyes and imagined Him.  A lonely man, facing the most difficult week of his entire life.  For Him, this was also a week filled with struggles.  A week that was heavy with emotions of what was to come.  A week that was so exhausting to the point that His body had nothing left to give but blood, sweat, and tears.  This week my Savior was drained: mentally, emotionally, and physically...as He walked toward the road of Calvary, where He would ultimately lay down His life for me.

My initial reaction to this thinking was to beat myself up with guilt thinking, "How can you complain about your life, when you consider all that Jesus had to go through".          

But I had to stop myself and recognize my unhealthy thinking.

You see,  I am not Jesus.

The burden that He carried was meant for me...but God's loving grace knew that I could not bear it, and so He asked Jesus to bear it for me.  Only Jesus could bear it.  Only Jesus can bear it.  

If He can carry that, can He not carry this too?

In reflecting on this week of Christ's suffering, I think we do damage by comparing our struggles to His, rather than casting our struggles onto Him. 


I'm thankful for the weight that God carried on His shoulders for me 2,000 years ago...but I am also thankful for that which He carries for me every...single...day.

I'm thankful that I am not Jesus...and I am overwhelmed with gratitude that He is....