Marry More Than a Lover:

Genesis 2:18
I will make a helper suitable for him...

I used to believe that true love was all about the romance.  I remember the late nights coming home after a date and exclaiming to my roommates: "He paid for dinner, he opened the car door, and he even gave me his jacket when I was cold!"  Its funny how fixated I was on things that...15 years later...have very little meaning in my actual life and marriage.

Don't get me wrong, I think there's a really important place for romance and chivalry.  I love when my husband opens the car door for me or brings me flowers home spontaneously.  But it's important to remember that romance is not what creates a healthy marriage, rather, it is simply the overflow of a healthy marriage. 

In marriage, you are marrying far more than a lover.  You are marrying a coworker, a teammate, and a friend.  God knew this when he told Adam that he was going to make a helper suitable for him.  He could have used so many other words to describe Eve.  He could have called her a lover, a trophy wife, or a beauty queen.  I'm sure for Adam, there was nothing more attractive then when he laid his eyes on Eve.  But in God's mind, Eve's role went far beyond the role of a lover...

A healthy marriage is so much more than romance....

Don't give in to the culture of Hollywood that fills your brain with the lies that love is this explosive chemical reaction between two people.  Real love is so much more than that.  A love that lasts a lifetime is built on the give and take between two people every day for as long as they live.

Yes, it involves flowers, and chocolates, and romance...but it's made up of so much more.  Far deeper than the fleeting pleasures of passion, is the unconditional love of sacrifice:

I look at my life and the things that speak love to me are not just found in the ribbons and roses but in the role my husband has as my helper, my friend, and my partner.  Real love is shown through the everyday actions that we exchange in our real everyday lives. In talking about this concept just the other day, my husband and I each made a list of what real love looked like to us in just the past few weeks: 


My List:
Cleaning up the dishes and scrubbing the pots and pans after dinner (God knows how much I hate those pots and pans).
Taking a break from studying just to sit and chat with me about the day.
Taking out the trash.  
Cleaning the ice off my car in crazy cold weather.
Watching the kids just so I could take a nap.
Keeping me laughing with his jokes no matter what's going on around us. 
Taking an interest in all the details of my life- from what I had for lunch to my latest article.   

His List:  
Getting up in the middle of the night with a crying baby.
Having dinner ready- my wife's an awesome cook!
Encouraging me when I feel down or discouraged.
Baking me five dozen cookies when I had to bring them in for work- forgot to mention, I gave her one day's notice!
Dropping by to visit me for lunch. 
Taking an active role in things I'm not good at (documenting the kids lives via pictures, responding to emails and phonecalls, buying gifts and sending thankyou cards, etc.)

Don't let the fog of romance cloud your perspective.

Marry a lover- but marry so much more than that.  Marry a coworker, a teammate, a partner, a helper and a friend.  

**If you're married, please share a comment with our readers: What has true love looked like for you this week?
**If you're single, what are your thoughts on this idea?

When Good People are Stuck in Bad Relationships:

1 Corinthians 15:33
Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”

As a therapist, I've been hearing about a lot of bad relationships lately.  Christian friends, family members, and even clients opening up and sharing about their struggles, weaknesses, and straight-up dysfunction in the area of boy + girl.

To say I'm surprised by these things would be an overstatement, because I'm really not.  Turn on any TV station and you'll tune into some divorce, break up, or relationship tragedy that's occurring in the world around us.  Listen in on any gossip at the office and you'll hear about heart-break, lying, cheating, and manipulation.  Sometimes, relationships can be really toxic.  But what's more surprising to me is not the occurrence of these relationships- but how little Christians talk about them.  

Toxic relationships exist all over the world, and guess what, they exist in Christian relationships as well.  Christian people are flawed, sinful, and broken human beings just as much as the other guys.  Take that combination into any relationship and you're bound to find a toxic concoction at somewhere at some point.  So what is keeping us from bringing it to the light?  Why are we so silent?

Scripture says that whatever is in darkness will be healed as it comes into the light.  It's time to break the silence about dysfunctional relationships by starting to have these conversations, by starting to be real.  Christian, it's time to take inventory of the relationship you are in- whether dating or married- and ask yourself if it's good, honoring, and uplifting.  We are called to be actively engaged in relationships in which we are giving and exchanging that kind of hope to one another.  In which we are spreading God's love like it's a contagious disease.  But toxic relationships look nothing like that.  

They rob you of your joy, take away your hope, and cause you to believe that's all your worth.  

You might be in a toxic relationship if you commonly feel the sting of manipulation, jealousy, envy and rage.  God calls us into relationships that are full of patience and love. 

Maybe you're feeling controlled- unable to say what you want, do what you want, or believe what you want. God's love brings us into hope and freedom.  

Maybe the toxicity of addictions, drugs and alcohol are seeping into your relationship and in turn are destroying your life.  God wants to help break away from these chains and give you the power to live freely. 
 
What if you keep getting led into dark places- places of lust and seduction that leave you feeling guilt and shame.  God wants to shine His light upon your life, and forgive you in the best way He knows how- completely.  

Maybe you're being beat down verbally- ripped of your dignity and self-worth.  God wants you to know that you are His beloved- worth far more than precious rubies and more valuable than the finest of pearls. 

You may be feeling the sting of abuse- the infliction of physical pain that breaks your spirit even more than it breaks your body.  God has felt the sting of physical abuse in order to free you from your own...His stripes and wounds are a sign that you deserve to forever be free of yours.** 

If you're married, seek pastoral and professional help immediately...begin the restoration process even if that means doing it alone.   

If you're dating, it's time to believe that you were made for so much more than this.  It's time to break free and allow God to bring you healing and restore your hope-  How to Get out of a Toxic Relationship.

It's time to get real, to get honest, and to get help**. It's time to stop waiting for the change, and begin making the change yourself.  It's time to step out of the grip of the past, and into something new.  It's time to acknowledge these dark places and bring them into the light of His healing.  

**For more assistance in breaking free of toxic relationships, go to www.aacc.net (American Association of Christian Counselors) to find some professional help in your area. 

3 Ways to Get Past Your Past...

Often in life, our greatest enemy isn’t a person, external obstacle or impossible situation—it’s our internal struggle with our past.


For Andrea, that was exactly the case. She was stuck in her past. Unable to get over the struggles of her youth, she kept looking back. Fixating on the neglect, reliving the abuse, analyzing the rejection. Twenty years later and she's still asking why, trying to make sense of it all. Yet by continually looking backward, she is losing sight of her present and future...

Read the rest of my article at Relevant Magazine!

Loves Me, or Loves Me Not?

1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

After one of my relationship talks I was approached by a beautiful young woman.  She wanted to share her story and seek out some advice about a dating situation she found herself in.

She had met this great guy through their church's young adult group.  He was handsome, funny, and had lots of charisma.  He was one of those guys that was just so easy to like.  They started spending more and more time together and began forming what seemed to be a dating relationship.  They would call each other, text each other, and even get together outside of church for coffee or dinner.  Fast forward two months later...

....something happened.  Out of nowhere, and all of a sudden, he seemed to back off, cold turkey.  No warning signs, no explanation, no heart to heart discussion.  She continued to try to call and text him, but it seemed that he wasn't reciprocating.  She continues to try, to pursue, and to try to reconnect.  She wonders maybe if he is just too busy?  Forgetful?  Scared?  But either way, her heart is stuck on him, and she needs direction. 

What should she do?

When I hear stories like this I have to simultaneous reactions that go off inside of me.  First, I feel empathy.  I look at this beautiful girl, with so much to give, and I look into her sad eyes and feel her pain, her hurt, and her rejection.  She wants to love and be loved so badly.  She wants to make it happen in her life.  She is just waiting to find that one to call her own.  I get that. I've been there.  It's hard when you're in the mess of dating to see beyond the pain of the moment. 

So first and foremost, I feel empathy (let's not forget that...).  Because secondly, I cringe!!! I just want to grab her shoulders and shake some sense into her!  I want her to see how she is making herself look from the outside looking in.  I want her to realize that she is trying so hard to keep something alive that would otherwise die if it was left alone.  I want her to come to the conclusion that simply said, he loves her NOT.  Because real love looks so, so different than that.  

I meet young men and women all the time that portray themselves as desperate by the way they act and react.  Trying so hard to find love.  Trying to hard to make it happen.  Finding excuse after excuse to keep going back to a relationship that does not reflect love in any way shape or form.  One-sided, non -reciprocated, hard-to-get relationships.  Let me just say it clearly- these kind of relationships are SO NOT WORTH THE INVESTMENT!

All over the scriptures God talks about reciprocal relationships.  Healthy relationships with two individuals that edify and build each other up.  There are always TWO people involved in the process.  Two people that are interacting, engaging, giving.  Two people that are encouraging, investing, and supporting one another.  This is how the body of Christ is supposed to look, and even more specifically speaking- this is how a marriage is supposed to look.  "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ..."

Dating relationships, should also be reciprocal.  Two people involved. Two people invested.  Two people pursuing and being pursed.  Two people committing, caring, and communicating.  Two people who are putting in the same amount, and receiving even more...

Why do we allow ourselves to settle for less?  Why do we find ourselves in relationships in which we are doing all the work to keep it alive?  It's time to put in the hard work, but then to trust that we are also worth being worked hard for.  We deserve to be loved just as we are giving love, and in romantic relationships, this is how God intended it to be.  Two people, building, edifying, encouraging, and investing in one another. 

Wait for that, because anything less is truly...not worth the wait.  Nor will it ever be. 

Why It's So Hard to Love Yourself- and How to Start:

Mark 12:31
Love your neighbor as you love yourself.

I tweeted a message asking "Why do you think God asks us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves?"

One young woman tweeted back saying:
"I hope He calls us to love our neighbor as HE loves us...b/c sometimes,  I don't love myself very much".

Her answer to my question made me stop and think.  From what I've seen and experienced, this young woman is not alone in her struggles.  Hundreds of people that I have met, counseled, or befriended- all struggling with the same thing.   

Why is it so hard to love yourself?

I heard a talk the other day about self-worth.  The speaker was saying that it's almost as though we are born into a world in which we are constantly getting labels slapped onto us by others.  Our parents, our friends, our family, and people that we don't even know.  Each person from the outside looking in coming up with their label to put on us.  Some are kind, some are true...but so many of them are lies.  Negativity.  Hurt. Judgment. Misunderstanding.  Labels, slapped onto us without our permission.  And sometimes, we carry them so long that we believe what they say.    Sometimes, we allow them to define us.

I think sometimes it is so hard to love ourselves...because we have believed what the labels have been telling us.   

The truth is, God came to rip off all the labels that have been placed upon us, and start teaching us the truth about who we are- who He has made us to be.

When we acknowledge His love for us, we get the opportunity to take off all the labels and start from scratch.  If you back up one verse, Mark 12:30 is an essential starting point to learning how to love ourselves.  In it, God calls us to love Him fiercely, with all that we are:

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'

When we are in focused relationship with God, loving Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength- every part of us is open to learning and experiencing His view of us.  We are exposed to His way of thinking and feeling and His definitions of us begins to sink in.  His labels begin to take priority.  We become surrounded by His love for us, and it begins to permeate into our hearts as well.  And eventually, surrounded by such a relentless love- it begins to rub off.  We slowly learn that He thinks we are worth it.  We slowly believe that maybe we are worth it.  We finally begin to love ourselves...because He has first loved us.

And then finally, when we have really learned to love ourselves, we are opened up to the true meaning of loving others.

Love must always start with us.  Because in order to give out love, we must first possess it. 

I'm thankful for a God who pours His love on me, teaching me to love myself as He loves me, so that I am ultimately freed to love others.

It's time to rip off all the labels.  It's time to be freed to really love.  

  

4 Ways to Radically Change your Relationships in 2013:

Luke 10:27
"He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’^[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

I've noticed something pretty disconcerting.  I'm not as focused as I used to be on the things that matter most.

Surrounded by cell phones, technology, noise, and social media- sometimes it's easier to get distracted by what's going on "out there" rather than to stay focused on the here and now.  In a culture that seems so wrapped up in self-gratification and promotion, it's been easy to place my focus on myself and totally forget about my neighbor, my friends, my family.  The people that mean the most to me.    

I'm challenged as I enter into this new year, to get my focus back on where it belongs- loving God and loving others. There's nothing on earth more meaningful than that. I think I've begun to lose sight of that goal somewhere along the way.  I've been contemplating of how to bring back my focus.  Not just to hope for it, but to actually do it.  It's time for a change in my relational world.  Here are some ways I hope to get my heart back on track:

1.  Talk Less, Listen more:  I don't know about you, but I've found myself at times falling into the trap of the "Facebook mentality".  What I mean by that is an attitude that is all about self-promotion.  Putting yourself on display for all to see.  I've found that attitude slowly seeping into my relationship.  The symptoms are subtle, but they are dangerous.  It's an attitude that seeks to talk more than it seeks to listen, that longs to be known more than it longs to know.  This has been the downfall of some of my relationships this year, and I want to be deliberate about changing that.  I want to learn to be a person that talks less, and listens more.  A person that is interested in the people around me, more than interested in their interest in me.  I want to be "others-focused", and I believe that starts with letting them take the spotlight.   

2.  Ask more Questions:  I have a friend who asks a lot of questions.  I mean, tons.  When she connects with someone, she wants to know everything about them, what they've been up to, and what they are passionate about.  Talking to her almost feels like being interviewed on Oprah.  Now, though I think that can be a little much at times, I think she is really onto something.  Her heart is in the right place because it is others-focused.  She wants to ask questions because she wants to know people.  I want to do that to.  I want to make others feel important, and do my part in getting to know them.  I want to ask more questions this year, and be sure to hear the answers.   

3.  Offer encouragement:  I must admit, this is one that I really want to get better at.  It's not natural for me to offer encouragement, because it's not something that I grew up with consistently.  Our family was one that spoke through actions, not necessarily with words.  But you know, words are so important, and they are an important part of loving and being loved.  They nourish, strengthen, and grow relationships faster than many other things can.  Encouragement takes you out of self-centeredness and into a life that is fixed on others.  Find something valuable in someone, and then tell them about it.  God promises that those who seek to bless others will find that they are the ones who are ultimately blessed. 

4.  Stay in the moment:  I got an email from a young women who was telling me about a gathering she had experienced at which every single person was occupied by their phones.  Texting, tweeting, googling and instagram-ing...there was always something to check, someone to update, or some information to find out.  It's hard to live in the moment in a society that is calling us out of the moment.  In a culture that has created for us a "matrix-like" world, filled with false connection, false intimacy, and false pride.  In a world where we gain power by a click of a button.  But in exchange for this false sense of control, glory, and value...we are missing the present.  We are missing the moment.  We are distracted by things that have not earned our attention, while surrounded by people who are deserving of our it. Our families, our spouses, our children, our friends.  Our neighbors, our communities, and even the strangers that may come our way.  Sacred moments...have become secondary.  It's time to take these moments back.  It's time to enjoy them, savor them, and experience them.  It's time to live in the moment. 

A new year brings new opportunities.  New chances to connect, to love, and to focus.  New moments to learn how to live fully, and love practically. 

Here's to 2013.  May it be the best year our relationships have ever seen! 

The end of the best (worst) year:

Ephesians 3:20
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

It's the end of another year.  

It's amazing to think of the different meanings that phrase holds for different people.

For some, it is the passing memory of some of the most significant and joyful moments of their lives.  New love, new life, new opportunities.

For others, it is the closing of maybe the most difficult chapter they have ever faced.  Grief, sadness and sorrow.  Darkness, loneliness, and failure. 

I, for one, find a place in my heart for both of those definitions as I reflect on the passing of 2012.  It was a year filled with the greatest joys I have ever experienced, but it was also a year of enduring some of the darkest times I may ever have to face.

But either way, through both the joys and the struggles of this year, I'm thankful to be able to say that I am in love with a God "who is able, through his mighty power at work within [me], to accomplish infinitely more than [I] might ask or think..."

More than ever, I am in awe of God's mighty power at work in my life this year.  Deep down I've always known that He powerful, but for the first time I am believing in His power at work within me, and through me.  Because of who He is, I am freed to be me. 

As I reflect on my life this past year, it's so easy to see God at work through the good times:
Celebrating five amazing years with the man of my dreams...
Experiencing the birth of my first son...
Enjoying the experience of writing my first book...
Witnessing the ever-exciting development of my precious toddler...

But, more than anything, I see His work through the difficult times in my life this past year- accomplishing infinitely more in me than I could have ever asked or imagined.   

 "Sorrow has opened up my eyes to see what real joy is.  Pain has been the catalyst to my heart's happiness". 

So thankful for a God who is faithful.  For a God who is loving and true.  For a God who takes both the light and darkness of our lives and by His grace, transforms them into exceedingly, infinitely more than we could ever hope, dream of, or imagine.

I'm dreaming big this year...which means my God is dreaming even bigger.  

Here's to the close of a really good year...

And the start of an even better one...

Happy New Year to you and yours!