Real Relationships: Waiting on God vs. Dating

"I've heard it said you should wait on God.  Should I "wait on God" to find me a spouse, or should I get out there and date?"


Psalm 27:14
Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.

So, what does it really mean to wait on God?  I received this question recently, and it made me stop and think.  Though I'm now married, I remember going through these exact thought processes during my single years.  But beyond that, I think I've found myself back and forth between the pendulum of waiting on God my entire life with pretty much every major decision I've had to make.

Finding a mate.
Searching for a college.
Pursuing a career.
Living in the right place.
Joining the right church.


I've always found it hard to know what it practically means to wait on God.  Do you just sit around and wait?  Twiddling your thumbs?  Praying 12 hours a day?  Memorizing Scripture, or better yet, looking for secret codes in bible verses?  I remember a season in my life in which I would open my bible to any random page, look through the words and hope I could find a secret message from God.  Hoping He would help me out a bit, give me some direction.  Waiting on God may include some of these things...but...

What does it really mean to wait on God?  How does that look in our day to day lives?

More than anything, waiting on God is a state of the heart.  It's an emotional place of peace, security, and trust.  It's an internal acknowledgement that He is in control, that He cares, and that His plans for my life are good...really, really, good.  It's living with an awareness of His goodness, and living with confidence, not afraid of the obstacles that might come our way.  When we wait, we acknowledge that there is a level of power that is beyond us.  More than we can do.  And we rest in the peace that He is filling in the details.

But waiting on God does not mean that we live passive lives...waiting for Him to magically bring that job, that spouse, that college or career to our doorstep.  It requires the ability to "do" in the here and now, with an emotional realization that our future has already been "done".  We need to pursue these thing we want, though we should never be consumed with these things.

So, in light of dating, what does that mean?  It means...get to know people!  But more importantly, get to know yourself.  Find out who you are and what you need in a significant other, and then take the time to interact with people who meet those standards.  Don't be afraid to invest in people- but remember- you will never lose or have regrets if you give only what they earn from you.  So give slowly.  Give wisely.  Give maturely.  Give with discretion.     

But most importantly, give your heart to the One who knows more about it than you do.  Let Him have your emotional world as you seek to discover your physical world.  Do your best...and He'll take care of all the rest. 


For more on this check out:  Fake Faith: The Myth of Waiting on God

 

Real Relationships: How Deep Are You? Three Levels of Communication

Proverbs 24:26
An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.

Communication...

It's a pretty big deal to most people and one that I've received a lot of questions about.  It's essentially what relationships are made of- but ironically, it's the one thing many people have no idea how to do.

I once read an article by my good friend and coworker Steve, describing levels of communication.  I loved it so much that I use my own form of this model in a lot of my counseling appointments. 

You see, to every relationship there will always be the potential for three levels of communication. 

Level 1- Facts:  This is the by far the easiest level.  It's the form of communication that focuses in on the facts, and zooms out on the self.  It's one that is so basic that it can involve even a complete stranger.  "What's the weather like outside?"  "What did you do today?"  "Who won last night's game"  It comes in the form of superficial facts- the who, what, where, when, and why's of your life.  No vulnerability, no depth, just facts. 

Level 2- Ideas: Level 2 takes you a little deeper.  It's a little more of you involved in the conversation because it acknowledges your opinions and your ideas.  Your likes and dislikes.  It's a little harder to engage in this kind of communication, unless you feel some sort of power within a relationship.  Because in level 2, you are letting down your guard just a tiny bit more.  Instead of just talking about last night's score, you talk share about your favorite team.  Instead of just telling the facts about your day, you share your hopes and dreams for tomorrow.   

Level 3- Feelings:   I think this is my favorite level.  It makes sense though.  As a counselor, I find myself engaging in level 3 hour upon hour with my clients and their families.  Level 3 is the deepest level, digging right into the heart.  It's the part of communication that digs through the surface of level 1, and then burrows into the depths of level 2 until it finds it's way to the most vulnerable place of all.  It takes a lot to identify and acknowledge feelings.  And it takes even more to share them.  Fear, embarrassment, insecurity.  Joy, excitement, surprise.  Sadness, anger, and hurt. 

This is the level that most relationships are missing.  This is the level of which most communication is lacking. 

It's amazing how many clients I see who identify that they've never really engaged in level 3 with their loved ones.  That it's awkward and uncomfortable, unnatural and difficult. 

But in order for relationships to be significant you have to go deep.  And in order to go deep in relationships...you have to do the work.

Don't get me wrong.  You can't live in Level 3.  I know sometimes I wish I could.  My husband will sometimes joke with me after a long conversation filled with "feelings" talk that we've been in level 3 way too long and that it's "Time to come up for air, Deb..."

But you know what, he's so right.  Level 3 can be exhausting if you don't have balance.  Sometimes you have to come back up to level one, because that's what life is made of essentially.  A healthy relationship knows the value of every level of communication, and will work it's way through the levels all throughout the day.   

So go grab your loved one, and practice digging deep into the 3 levels of communication.

Happy Talking :)

*Send in your Real Relationship questions to debslessonslearned@gmail.com to get your question answered in the series before it ends!

Real Relationships: How do you deal with Insecurities in a Relationship?

 

How do you deal with insecurities in a marriage?

Genesis 1:27
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

As I mentioned in my previous post, the next few posts will be focused on answering some of your questions about relationships (marriage, dating, and pretty much any relationship topics.).  I've asked my readers to write me with any relationship questions they want answered or discussed through this series.  This was one of the first questions submitted for the "Real Relationships" series and I want to start with it because it's a question that a lot of people deal with in relationships- whether married or dating.

Insecurity is the seed of discontent.  It's like a poison that seeps into a person's heart and mind and begins to fill them with confusion and doubt and fools them into believing they have no control.  I think it's a poison that we have all dealt with at some point, because it attacks in so many areas of our lives- relationships included.

I want to tackle this question by looking at two components to insecurity within a relationship: Yourself and Your Significant Other. 

Yourself:  What kind of counselor would I be if I didn't start a topic like this with the most influential person you will ever know-yourself.  So much of insecurity can only be dealt with by looking inward at your heart.  There comes a point to which no matter what your partner does or doesn't do...insecurity can still thrive, if the seed of it inside your heart has not been removed.  So you have to start there.

A lot of our insecurities as human beings stem back from our wrong beliefs about who we are.  Wrong beliefs can be placed on us from the time we are children and all through our adulthood by parents, friends, family, sinfulness, and even ourselves.  These beliefs shape the core of our view of self, and in turn how we act, and react to the world around us.  They are the filter that take in our reality, and if our filter is dirty...everything we see will be blemished as well.

When we live with insecurities, we can and will interpret anything and everything with a negative perspective.  This can taint the relationships that we are in, causing us to assume that our partner cannot be trusted, or has negative intent...when really, the culprit is our tainted views of ourselves.

I knew someone who had a really hard time with this.  She struggled with insecurities and negative thoughts and feelings about herself from her weight to her looks to her personality deficits and character flaws.  She magnified these weaknesses and eventually began to believe others did so as well.  These things slowly began creeping into her relationship with her husband, and she began to interpret all his actions as putting the spotlight on her insecurities, though he was only trying to encourage her and help her grow.  These interactions began to ware on their relationship and formed a barrier of mistrust and doubt between them.

I don't want to oversimplify such an important topic, because it's not like a person can just wish these negative thoughts and feelings away and like magic they are gone.  Years of negative build up might take years of removal...but with God's help, and our efforts...miracles really can happen- even in our emotional worlds. 

The process of dealing with our insecurities takes self-reflection, lots of it...and hard work.   Work to identify and then replace these negative thoughts and beliefs with the truth...in particular, God's truth.  It takes some serious energy to actually start believing this stuff, and seeing ourselves from the perspective that God wants us to be seen. 

For some, these insecurities run deep, and the help of a professional counselor is necessary.  For others, surrounding yourself with people who will speak encouragement into your life, getting real with your beliefs about ourselves, and starting to open our eyes to how God sees you will be the first steps in the process  You are valuable and worthwhile, according to Him...and it's time to find that out for yourself (Genesis 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:19, Romans 8:1, Psalm 139, Matthew 10:31...).

Start dealing with yourself and your own insecurities as the first step...because at the end of the day, you are the only thing that you can control.   


*I'll tackle the next step to dealing with insecurities in my next post: Your Partner. 

Real Relationships:

I'm really honored and excited about the attention both these blog posts and my magazine articles are receiving lately.  Not surprisingly, topics having to do with relationships (marriage, dating, etc.) have been a huge hit.

There is something about relationships and connecting with others that hits the core of who we are as human beings.  Our God is one of love...and in order for love to exist, relationships must be present.  We are drawn to relationships, ultimately, because we are drawn to a God who made us to connect in such a way. 

With regard to relationships, my readers have bombarded my email inbox with questions and thoughts in response to the articles they have read both here on my blog and via Relevant Magazine.  Some of the stories you have shared and questions you have asked have both inspired, moved, and challenged me, and I want to expand on some of that feedback.

In light of this, I'm starting a relationship series called "Real Relationships".  For the next few months, my articles and posts will be commenting on some of my readers questions on relationships and I will be answering through the lens of my personal life and love, as well as my experience as a professional counselor.

If you're interested in taking part in this series and potentially having your question answered or thoughts shared, email me at debslessonslearned@gmail.com, with the title "Real Relationships" in the subject line, so I know that I have permission to share your thoughts or question.  All things shared will be anonymous, unless you specify in your email that you'd like to be mentioned.  Be sure to subscribe to my blog via email or follow me on Twitter (@DebFileta) to keep up with the latest thoughts and questions!

I'm excited to hear from you, and dig even deeper into some of these topics.  God has thought up a marvelous design for relationships, and hopefully through this series we can each align our lives and relationships a little more in tune with His plans.