4 Ways to Radically Change your Relationships in 2013:

Luke 10:27
"He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’^[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

I've noticed something pretty disconcerting.  I'm not as focused as I used to be on the things that matter most.

Surrounded by cell phones, technology, noise, and social media- sometimes it's easier to get distracted by what's going on "out there" rather than to stay focused on the here and now.  In a culture that seems so wrapped up in self-gratification and promotion, it's been easy to place my focus on myself and totally forget about my neighbor, my friends, my family.  The people that mean the most to me.    

I'm challenged as I enter into this new year, to get my focus back on where it belongs- loving God and loving others. There's nothing on earth more meaningful than that. I think I've begun to lose sight of that goal somewhere along the way.  I've been contemplating of how to bring back my focus.  Not just to hope for it, but to actually do it.  It's time for a change in my relational world.  Here are some ways I hope to get my heart back on track:

1.  Talk Less, Listen more:  I don't know about you, but I've found myself at times falling into the trap of the "Facebook mentality".  What I mean by that is an attitude that is all about self-promotion.  Putting yourself on display for all to see.  I've found that attitude slowly seeping into my relationship.  The symptoms are subtle, but they are dangerous.  It's an attitude that seeks to talk more than it seeks to listen, that longs to be known more than it longs to know.  This has been the downfall of some of my relationships this year, and I want to be deliberate about changing that.  I want to learn to be a person that talks less, and listens more.  A person that is interested in the people around me, more than interested in their interest in me.  I want to be "others-focused", and I believe that starts with letting them take the spotlight.   

2.  Ask more Questions:  I have a friend who asks a lot of questions.  I mean, tons.  When she connects with someone, she wants to know everything about them, what they've been up to, and what they are passionate about.  Talking to her almost feels like being interviewed on Oprah.  Now, though I think that can be a little much at times, I think she is really onto something.  Her heart is in the right place because it is others-focused.  She wants to ask questions because she wants to know people.  I want to do that to.  I want to make others feel important, and do my part in getting to know them.  I want to ask more questions this year, and be sure to hear the answers.   

3.  Offer encouragement:  I must admit, this is one that I really want to get better at.  It's not natural for me to offer encouragement, because it's not something that I grew up with consistently.  Our family was one that spoke through actions, not necessarily with words.  But you know, words are so important, and they are an important part of loving and being loved.  They nourish, strengthen, and grow relationships faster than many other things can.  Encouragement takes you out of self-centeredness and into a life that is fixed on others.  Find something valuable in someone, and then tell them about it.  God promises that those who seek to bless others will find that they are the ones who are ultimately blessed. 

4.  Stay in the moment:  I got an email from a young women who was telling me about a gathering she had experienced at which every single person was occupied by their phones.  Texting, tweeting, googling and instagram-ing...there was always something to check, someone to update, or some information to find out.  It's hard to live in the moment in a society that is calling us out of the moment.  In a culture that has created for us a "matrix-like" world, filled with false connection, false intimacy, and false pride.  In a world where we gain power by a click of a button.  But in exchange for this false sense of control, glory, and value...we are missing the present.  We are missing the moment.  We are distracted by things that have not earned our attention, while surrounded by people who are deserving of our it. Our families, our spouses, our children, our friends.  Our neighbors, our communities, and even the strangers that may come our way.  Sacred moments...have become secondary.  It's time to take these moments back.  It's time to enjoy them, savor them, and experience them.  It's time to live in the moment. 

A new year brings new opportunities.  New chances to connect, to love, and to focus.  New moments to learn how to live fully, and love practically. 

Here's to 2013.  May it be the best year our relationships have ever seen! 

Does the Church embrace singleness?

1 Corinthians 7:32
I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 

Does the Church embrace singleness?  I threw that question out there this morning on my True Love Dates Facebook page.  

It was interesting to read the thoughts and responses from young men and women, but one woman's comment caught my attention:

"It is almost as if it is okay to be a single man but they [the Church] are not quite sure what to do about a single woman.  Many times they feel sorry for her or pray for God to bring the right man. There seems to be a definite double standard." 

This statement really caught my eye because I find myself agreeing with her.  Remembering the days of singleness and the Christian culture that I was surrounded by, there seemed to be some sort of a double standard- where women felt less for being single, while men continued on peacefully with their bachelor lives.

I was thinking about this today, and why this seems to be the truth.  Although it's easy to blame the Church for everything, I believe the problem has a lot less to do with the Church, and a whole lot more to do with us...single young women, desperate to love and be loved.  

You see, I wonder if the church does not determine the value that is put on us- but rather, reflects the value that we put on ourselves.  

Looking back, I wonder if the church does not "embrace" singleness because we have a hard time embracing it ourselves.  As a single woman, I remember struggling so much with the idea of being single, as though it were a trial to get through, a temptation in which I had to persevere. 
  
It took me so long to embrace, enjoy singleness myself. 

As women, I think we all struggle with the same things.  The longing to be valued, loved, and embraced by another human being.  The longing to be walking with someone alongside, someone to witness our lives, in order to somehow make our lives matter.  

As Christian women, I think sometimes we devalue ourselves when we are single and alone.  I think we forget that our value is not attached to our relationship status, but rather to the God who has made His home inside of our hearts.  Our evaluation of self has the tendency to rub off onto the people around us.  

We teach people how to treat us by the way that we treat ourselves.  We teach people how to value us, by the way that we value ourselves.  At the root of the Church embracing singleness, is a long line of individual men and women, struggling to embrace singleness themselves. 

As a married woman now, I look back and I see the mistakes I made as a single woman- longing to be loved, valued, and embraced.  And the truth of the matter is- even in marriage...the struggles with value and self-worth have not gone away.  They still haunt me day by day and the unconditional love of a husband was not the cure that I thought it would be.  The truth of the matter is, the only solution I have found is nestled deeply in the heart of Something more.  Someone more. 


We will not embrace singleness as a culture, and as women at large, until we have truly learned to embrace our God-created, God-restored, God-loved, God-valued selves.  We will not embrace singleness as a culture, until we have learned to be at peace with who are are, standing alone.  And maybe, just maybe, even then we will never truly embrace our "singleness" because that's not the core of what we were meant to embrace. Rather than defining ourselves by the broad brush stroke of a relationship status, maybe our definitions need to run a little bit deeper.  A little bit truer.   A little bit more in line with the God of relationships, who calls us to rest only in Him. 

May we, as women, seek to create a culture in which we teach the world around us to treat us like we deserve to be treated.  Valued, loved, honored and respected.  Single, or not.  We are daughters of a King.  Let's live that way. 

Real Relationships:

I'm really honored and excited about the attention both these blog posts and my magazine articles are receiving lately.  Not surprisingly, topics having to do with relationships (marriage, dating, etc.) have been a huge hit.

There is something about relationships and connecting with others that hits the core of who we are as human beings.  Our God is one of love...and in order for love to exist, relationships must be present.  We are drawn to relationships, ultimately, because we are drawn to a God who made us to connect in such a way. 

With regard to relationships, my readers have bombarded my email inbox with questions and thoughts in response to the articles they have read both here on my blog and via Relevant Magazine.  Some of the stories you have shared and questions you have asked have both inspired, moved, and challenged me, and I want to expand on some of that feedback.

In light of this, I'm starting a relationship series called "Real Relationships".  For the next few months, my articles and posts will be commenting on some of my readers questions on relationships and I will be answering through the lens of my personal life and love, as well as my experience as a professional counselor.

If you're interested in taking part in this series and potentially having your question answered or thoughts shared, email me at debslessonslearned@gmail.com, with the title "Real Relationships" in the subject line, so I know that I have permission to share your thoughts or question.  All things shared will be anonymous, unless you specify in your email that you'd like to be mentioned.  Be sure to subscribe to my blog via email or follow me on Twitter (@DebFileta) to keep up with the latest thoughts and questions!

I'm excited to hear from you, and dig even deeper into some of these topics.  God has thought up a marvelous design for relationships, and hopefully through this series we can each align our lives and relationships a little more in tune with His plans. 

So You Think You Can Dance...For Others?

Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

I have a friend who is the most incredible encourager ever.  

Seriously.  No matter what kind of good things are going on in my life...whether as small as getting a new hair cut, or as huge as signing with an awesome literary agent- she totally rejoices.  She allows her heart to be captured by my emotions and by my life.  You can hear the excitement in her voice, and you can tell it's SO genuine.  Sometimes, I feel like she's about to break out in dance.  I joke with her that she's my biggest fan...and she has been ever since we were kids.  She really, truly rejoices when I rejoice.

I wish I could say the same about all of my friends...but I can't.  I actually have a category of people in my life who I CAN'T share good things with.  Fears of tension, jealousy, and the potential competitiveness that may creep into those conversations keeps me absolutely silent when good things are going on.  So I keep quiet.

As much as that bothers me and gives me the feeling that I can't truly be real...I totally get it, because I too have a bit of disgusting covetousness in me.  A pride that wants the good things for myself.  Why is it hard to hear the blessings in the lives of others?  Why is it sometimes easier to mourn with the people around us than to rejoice?

I don't know for sure...but from my experience in my own life, the dirty culprit comes down to nothing more dangerous than the plague of insecurity.  

Insecurity causes us to rise up in comparison to others rather than to celebrate ourselves.
Insecurity forces us to think we need to achieve, to have, to be in order to gain value.
Insecurity tricks us into believing that when others are have more...we have less.

It's an evil little creature, slithering about with the intent of killing our joy...and our ability to rejoice.

The ironic thing is that at the end of the disease of insecurity, we are robbed of rejoicing with others...but we are also stripped of our ability to rejoice in ourselves.  

I don't know about you, but I want to experience more joy.  I want to be the "biggest fan" to the people in my life.  I want my heart to flutter and rejoice in response to their blessings, to their successes, to their achievements.  I want to experience the joy that comes with feeling the joy in the lives of the people around me.    


Take inventory...how are you at rejoicing for others?  How deep does your joy run for the people around you, when God pours His blessing on them?  What feelings come to the surface when you are faced with the prosperity of the people in your life?

Don't be fooled, the inability to rejoice for others is a symptom of something far greater than a simple lack of emotion.

Ask Jesus to come into this part of your life. To fill you with value, worth, and a security beyond what you can try to scrape up for yourself.  To see the all-encompassing beauty of Him rejoicing over YOU...dancing over you...so that one day, you too, can learn to dance for others. 

Facebook & The Dangers of Social Pornography:

Matthew 7:6
Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.

I finally picked up Rob Bell's book, Sex God, last month when my husband and I were on vacation.  A few friends had recommended it and I decided to give it a read.

Funny thing is, out of all the things he said one of the smallest phrases caught my eye and has since then been transformational in my personal life.  I forget the exact quote, but he was talking about the dangers of sexuality taken out of proper context (particularly sexualization in media, pornography, etc.).

He explained in that chapter that when the sacredness of sexuality is exposed in such a meaningless way...it loses it's sacredness.  He went on to talk about how some of the most intimate moments between he and his wife are meant to be shared only by them.  No third parties allowed.  Because in an essence, the exclusivity of those things are what makes them so meaningful...so sacred.

I love that idea, and I believe it wholeheartedly when it comes to the area of sex and sexuality within the context of a marriage.  But you know, it got me thinking about the reality of these concepts within the context of our social world. 

Before I explain, let me start off by saying I love social media.  I'm a huge fan of Facebook.  I love it's ability to connect me with friends and family.  I love that I can post pictures of my daughter for my in-laws who live in Chicago, and within moments they can see her smiling face.  I love connecting with others, planning events, and keeping track with what everyone else is doing when I don't always have the time for a 30 minute phonecall....with 10 people.

But I've also learned that there can be a huge danger in this kind of "connecting".  In an essence, there are times when the online world acts like a kind of social pornography.  It allows for us to "connect" with people for the sake of connecting rather than for the sake of living, gratifying an urge inside of us momentarily.  Not allowing us to experience true connection in it's most fulfilling context: real life. 
  
I find it almost humorous when I see status updates talking about "how much fun" someone is having in the moment, or "how incredible" this experience is with their family...because if it's really that great, why are you on Facebook?  There is a tendency to talk about the moment, more than savor the moment.  A tendency to take the sacred things in our lives, and throw them before swine...giving them away to people who don't really care, rather than investing those moments in the people around us who actually, genuinely matter.   

It acts like social pornography, because it gives us a platform to share some really sacred things...some really intimate details...in the context of a meaningless atmosphere.  And in the end...it causes those things to lose their sacredness...

I know this might be a hard bite to chew, and an even harder one to swallow, but hear me on this.  I am speaking to myself just as much as I am to anyone reading.  In focusing so much on our "audience"...I think we've lost the real meaning behind the show.  You see, we can become so focused on the connecting, that we actually take away from the living.

I'm trying to work out these things in my life.  Rather than "status updating" about my sweet daughter every 15 minutes...I'm taking the time to enjoy her...even if no one else knows it but me.  Rather than post about my amazing husband, I'm taking the opportunities to tell him how much I love him...face to face...heart to heart.  Even if no one else hears it.

There is meaning in the sacredness...because these are things that are inherently meaningful. Audience or no audience. 

Don't give in to the false intimacy that comes with social pornography...and make time for the genuine intimacy that comes with the day to day real life.  Make time for the people around you.  Here and now.   



 

The Isolated Christian:

Hebrews 10:25
Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. 

The irony of this generation is that we are some of the most "socially connected" people, yet more than ever we are battling the grave of isolation.  Just the other day someone was sharing with me the paradox that the more she browses Facebook, the more isolated and alone she actually feels because it seems as though the world around her is all connecting...without her.   

We are longing for relationships.  For true, genuine, heart to heart connections with others.  It's one of the desires of my heart as well.  I was telling my husband that just the other day.  We're in a season of life where family is a priority with raising a toddler and with a baby on the way.  It seems as though our longing for community has kind of taken a back seat, and we're feeling the effects of that.  Isolation is a relentless monster, willing to pounce the moment he gets a chance.  And lately, he's been pouncing.

I've noticed, though, that there are three kinds of people when it comes to techniques in facing the trap of isolation.  Some compare, some complain...and then there are those who actually take the time to connect. 

The Comparing One:  It's easy to compare, isn't it?  And now with social networking as incredible as it is, it's WAY easy to compare.  Photos, events, parties, get-togethers, status updates...with one click of a button you can be lining yourself up against every friend in your queue.  Comparing makes the world around you seemingly incredible...while the world you live in becomes smaller, and darker, and lamer.  Comparing takes your eyes off of what you want, and puts them on what others have.  And it's a pit that is sure to leave you feeling more and more alone with every passing thought.   

The Complaining One:  We can all think of someone who fits in this category, and like Michael Jr. says, if you can't...then maybe they're thinking of you!  People who whine and complain about how they are miserable and alone, how no one wants to hang out with them, thinks of them, or includes them in anything.  They are the passive ones, who live their life to react to what others do...and most of the time, that reacting is in negative form.   Complainers don't get very far in connecting, because by the very nature of complaining- it pushes people away. 

The Connecting One:  Rather than being reactive to the world around them, Connecters are proactive.  When it comes to fellowship and community, they play offense not just defense.  They don't wait for the desert of isolation to become the norm, because the moment they feel it, they are picking up the phone to call a friend.  Connecters are the people who seem to get 1,000 text messages a day (unbeknownst to us, they've sent 5,000 text that day).  They're the ones who have people over, plan dinner dates, call a friend for coffee, or join the church softball team just to stay connected.  They practice hospitality, and don't wait to be invited before they take the opportunity to invite.  They ask questions, make others feel important, and serve with all of their hearts.

I know some connectors, and I'm inspired by them, because at the end of the day, I really believe it's the life God calls us to live.  Jesus was a connecter, taking the time to really give to those around Him without waiting around for them to give to Him.  And the miraculous thing about people like that is when you refresh others in that way...you find yourself supernaturally refreshed. 

I want to be proactive this year, rather than simply reactive.  I don't wait to wait around for someone to notice me, to love me, and to connect to me.  I want to be the one who shakes hands with people at church, invites a new couple over for lunch to get to know them, has a neighborhood get together, calls a friend just to see how they are doing.  I want to be a person who is connecting with others and loving others the way Jesus loves me.  I don't want the trap of isolation to take over and lead me into believing the lie that I am all alone...because in all honesty, lonesomeness is the fastest road to sinfulness, whether it be through my mind or in my heart. 

I want this year to be a defining year for me when it comes to battling isolation.  It's time to make some real connections, it's time to squelch the disease of isolation.

The Eavesdropping Waitress:

Colossians 4:5-6
⁵ Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. ⁶ Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. 

A few days ago a few of us were out to dinner.  I was talking to a friend about his Myers-Briggs personality score, and explaining to him some of the details involved in his personality type. 

Our waitress had been coming in and out, refilling our drinks, taking our orders, bringing our meals as waitresses often do.  When out of no where in the middle of our conversation she says,

"Sorry to interrupt, but do you mind if I jump in this conversation?  I know exactly what you're talking about and...."

And she began adding her two cents to our conversation. 


I'll be honest, it threw us all of a bit.  Less because she interrupted, and more because we were all shocked that she had actually been listening to our conversation so intently.  In all honesty, the place was packed, and the entire evening she seemed to be distracted between the many duties she had to tackle that evening.

But more than anything, it opened my eyes to the reality that PEOPLE ARE LISTENING.  

They really are!  Even when you don't realize it.  

It's a challenging and somewhat scary thought.  The reality is that this young ladies life had direct contact with mine for this one evening.  What had I allowed to come out of my mouth that day?  What else had she heard?  Had I spoken words that would build her up and show her Jesus?

Think about it.  How many things enter our minds and exit our mouths throughout the day?  How many times are we out with friends or talking on the phone in public surrounded by listening ears.  It makes you really take account of what you are allowing to come out of your mouth. 

The bible challenges us to even view our conversation as a tool to glorify God.  Even in what we say we are asked to be salt and light to the world around us.   For some of us...our conversation is nothing to take pride in.

Take inventory.  Have you spoken poorly about someone in your life?  Have you complained to another?  Have you allowed inappropriate conversation to make it's way into your social life?  Are your words negative?  Are your words meaningless?  Or are your worlds full of grace, and seasoned with salt...making the most of every opportunity. Even opportunities that go unnoticed. 


What's your conversation saying to the world around you?

Go to Jail: This Ain't No Monopoly Game

^{Matthew 25:31-46
37} “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
 
   ⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

I've felt a twinge of dissatisfaction lately.  Don't get me wrong, I love my life right now and the stage I am in as a wife and a mom- and I am enjoying every moment.  But deep inside of me there has been an aching for something more.  A desire to take my life a step further and align myself with the things that God is for. 


In the past my husband and I have spent time on a weekly basis serving in the inner city, going door to door with the Dream Center and investing in lives of the poor and needy.  But, things change when a baby comes around.  I don't believe that I grasped that concept until I was finally face to face with the gigantic responsibility of being a parent.  The things that were practical as a couple, are now complicated in light of a family.

And though some may say that being a parent and doing God's work do not coincide, I disagree.  There must always be a longing in our hearts for the things God longs for.  Ministry must always be a part of our lives, though it may take different forms with each season of life.  Though it may not be practical to walk the inner city week after week with the demands of a little baby, that doesn't mean that the disciplines of service and mercy must come to an end.  But how?

This question was reinforced last night as my husband and I watched a documentary by my favorite comedian, Michael Jr.    In this film, Comedy: The Road Less Traveled, Michael  decides to take the talent God has given him- his humor- to some of the most broken people in America, attempting to bring a smile to some of the saddest faces.

The movie is touching, but more importantly it is a call to action.  Michael challenges each and every one of us to take a look at our lives and the talents we have been given, and ask ourselves how we can practically make a difference in the lives of others. 

For me, this film was confirmation of something I have been feeling for a while now- it's time to do something more.  

I've tossed around a few ideas in my heart the past few weeks, but there is one thing I keep coming back to: prison.  There is something about the pain and isolation of these hurting men and women who have made life-changing decisions that just breaks my heart.  And the reality is, they are so easily forgotten in our "out of sight out of mind" society.  I'm planning on taking at least one day out of the month and finding a way to encourage and visit these people, hear their stories, love on them, and allow our lives to touch.  I'm excited to see how God uses me in this way, and I'll be sure to keep you posted on my journey. 

Some of you may have your opinions about this type of ministry or these kind of people, but I don't care to know them, because that's not the point of this post.  The point of this post is to challenge each and everyone of you to take a look at your lives and ask yourself what you are doing to follow the heart of God?  Because at the end of the day what makes you a friend of God is not the fact that you attended church every Sunday or owned six bibles.  It's your heart...and whether or not it is aligned with His.

Because at the end of the day, whatever you do (or don't do) for the least of them...you do it as though it were for Him.   That's nothing to be taken lightly.

Koinonia: On Christian Community vs. Isolation

Acts 2:42-47
They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the communion, to the breaking of bread and to prayer...All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need…They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people.

I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel as though I need people.  On a certain level, I find that being around people brings a sense of freedom.  It allows me to take a step outside of myself (even if ever so briefly) and interact with others, considering them rather than me.

I believe community with others is one of the things that makes me a better Christian.  It is only when I am around people that I have to actively "hold my tongue" from speaking every foolish word that comes to my mind.  It is only in community that I have to deliberately put others first, considering them better than myself.  It is only in community that I am forced to love and be loved, to give of myself, and to learn how to be sensitive to the needs of others.  


I believe this is the reason Jesus encouraged community during his life here on earth.  Not only did he encourage it, he lived it out.  He created community wherever he went.  He allowed himself to not only rub elbows with the people around him, but to rub hearts.   

The word Koinonia is used to describe community in the Greek New Testament.  It is defined as "intimate participation" with others.

I don't know what your experience has been, but Koinonia is something that has been missing in my view of Westernized Christianity.  We have watered down "intimate participation" to the point where we consider community shaking the hand of the person in the pew next to us at church (and only when we are prompted to do so, mind you), and then going on our way.  I hardly call that intimate. 

We have lost something in the transition of generations, we have lost the giving and receiving of self...and in the process, we have lost a piece of Christ Jesus.

There is something powerful about joining with other believers.  There is something unexplainable that happens when God's spirit is united in men and women of different shapes, sizes and colors.  You see, we weren't made to do this Christian life alone, yet for some reason we keep trying.  

The people in Acts were filled with joy, praise, and gladness in their community while many American Christians are filled with loneliness, isolation, complaints, and dullness in their faith because they are trying to do it alone. 


It's not a personality type, or the difference between an introvert and an extrovert.  It's not a matter of location, schedules, or obligations.  Those are just likely excuses. We were all made for community if we allow ourselves to take a few steps outside of ourselves and try to live life Christ's way.

So go the extra mile.  Introduce yourself, make that phone call, invite them over for dinner, open your home to others, give of what you have to those who need it, do what it takes, but at the end of the day, seek to live a life of Koinonia, a life of intimate participation, a life of giving of yourself.