Are you stuck on your past?

Genesis 19:26
But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

One of the greatest things that inhibits us from moving forward...is our past.  

For Andrea, that was exactly the case.  She was unable to get over the struggles of her past.  The neglect.  The abuse.  The longing for love.  Longings that were never filled.  Love that was never felt.  20 years later and she's still asking why.  Looking back, trying to make sense of it all.  And in her pursuit of looking back- she has failed to look around, and has ceased to look forward.  She has lost her present and her future...because of her past. 

Lot's wife struggled with the same things.  God had called Lot and his wife out of Sodom, and into something new.  Out of the darkness of their past, and into new adventures.  Out of the sin and struggles that they were surrounded by, and into something better.  But Lot's wife was unable to let go of the past.  She looked back...and "became a pillar of salt".  The truth of the matter is that the past can be paralyzing.

It's healthy to sort through our past every now and again. It's important to understand where we came from and what we went through.  It's vital to see the things from our past that made us who we are today.  But when we find our gaze is fixated on our past...we will ultimately waste our present, and lose our future.

God calls us to look forward. To see the new things that He is doing in our life rather than to dwell on the old.  To focus on hope, healing, and potential rather than waste our life on regrets, judgements, and needless analysis.   

He calls us to live for today, and hope for tomorrow...because no matter what has happened in our past, greater things are yet to come. 

Maybe you are stuck on your past.  Maybe a devastating break up has paralyzed your heart.  Maybe the sting of abuse and neglect continue to haunt you.  Maybe the choices you made and the road that you once traveled are causing you major regrets. Maybe your mind is filled with things you "should have" done and bogged down by those which you shouldn't have.  Maybe your heart is heavy with loss, pain, and unending questions of "why".   If this is you, the past may be wrapping it's deadly tentacles around your heart, trying it's very best to steal your life and rob your hope. 

It's time to overcome your past and stop looking back.  It's time to focus on your present, here and now.  It's time to look around and focus on where you are now and where you hope to be.  It's time to trust God with your future, and allow Him to help you fix your eyes forward. 

Don't let the pain of your past take away from your present and keep you from your future.  It's time to look forward and be freed. 

5 Lies I wish I'd known while Dating:

Oh, the things I would change if I could go back in time.  I'm sure we've all felt that way at some point or another.  For me in particular, the whole area of love and relationships is one that I wish I could go back and "tweek".  There was so much that I wish I would have known, so much I wish I could have done differently, so many lies I wish I wouldn't have believed.  But I can't go back...and you know what, that's okay.

Because through the process of finding true love I've learned a lot.  My eyes have been opened to a lot of the beliefs that hindered me through my dating years and through that process have been able to encourage others.  The following myths have done a lot of harm in the lives of many young adults, mine included.  Let me tell you what I've learned:   

1.  If you're too picky you'll never get married:  A while back (and I'm talking...a long while back), I had a dozen roses shipped to my house by a guy who had taken an interest in me.  Not sure if it was my frizzy hair or bad make-up that attracted him (you ever look back at those pictures and wonder how you ever walked out of the house looking like that :)  Anyway, it was a sweet gesture from a decent young man, but to be frank, I wasn't interested.  Thankfully, I was at a healthy place in life and it didn't take long for me to know that he wasn't the right fit for me. So, rather than prolong the whole thing, I told him. 

I'll never forget this day, because at the end of the conversation he made sure to tell me that I would be an old maid some day with how picky I was about dating.  Now granted, he may have spoken out of his disappointment, but the truth is, he isn't the first person who said that to me during my dating years.  I can count numerous men and women who have uttered those words in my presence, whether geared toward me or someone I know.  People I love and trusted, who really believed that you could miss out on marriage by being too choosy.  Seriously?  Since when is taking the time to make the biggest decision you will ever make in your life considered picky?

Looking back, they were ALL wrong- and I'm thankful for it.  I am so glad I didn't settle, and waited for God to send me the man who is not perfect....but perfect for me.  He's the right fit, and I knew it in my heart more and more each day as we dated.  It was natural, it was easy, it was for real.  Don't let yourself believe this lie, and trust your heart.  Because marriage is a decision you live with for the rest of your life.


2.  You should only date towards marriage:  I used to be a firm believer of this.  You know, the days of reading books about "courtship" and "kissing dating goodbye".  But, eventually, my misinterpretation of it got me in trouble.

There was a season in my life that I really looked down on the concept of "dating around" and thought that if I was going to date someone, I better be pretty darn sure I was going to marry them in the end.  Because ultimately, that's the goal, right?

But deep down, the fear of failing in a relationship was actually driving me...and the fear of failure can be a very paralyzing thing.  For me, it paralyzed me into staying in a relationship that I knew wasn't right for me...for far too long.  Just because I was afraid to fail.

Looking back, I see failure after failure in my relationship history.  But I still see God's hand all over my past.  He comforted me, guided me, stretched me, and taught me more than I realized then.  So even when relationships don't work out in the end, it's not simply failure.  Sometimes, it's fate, freedom, and a future that's far beyond your scope in the here and now. 

3.  All the "good ones" are already taken:  Some people fall on the totally opposite end of being "too picky".  I've had the unfortunate opportunity to interact with men and women dating some pretty unqualified - that's an understatement- individuals...all because they think it's the best they can get.

People tend to end up with someone who they believe they deserve..and sadly, for some people, their view of themselves causes them to think they deserve very little.

I look back at some of the people I invested in, and see a sad reflection of the view I had of myself.  I'm thankful that God slowly transformed that view, allowing me to believe I deserve...not just good, but the best.

Change your beliefs about yourself...and then wait for the best.       

4.  Getting into a dating relationship will "ruin" your friendship:  This phrase is used to often in the dating world, but now that I'm married, I don't even really know what that means.  Here are some thoughts I have about this phrase:

You're supposed to marry your best friend.  Someone you connect with deeply on an emotional, spiritual, social and physical level.  A friend who you can laugh with, talk to til 4am, and cry with...but also have the freedom to do absolutely nothing with.  So, if you have that with someone of the opposite sex...maybe the friendship is the first step of something bigger.  That's the best case scenario.

Worst case scenario, a friendship doesn't ever blossom into the stage of romantic feelings...and the friendship changes.  In my opinion, that's still a good thing.

Let me explain.  When I got married, the friendships I had with the opposite sex changed drastically anyway.  When he became my priority, I had to guard my marriage by setting up boundaries with guys...and distancing myself to an extent.  They were no longer carrying the role they used to carry, because they were not my husband.  He was the only man that was to carry certain roles in my life.  So like it or not, your friendships with the opposite sex will always change...either now, or later when you meet your soul mate.  The deep friendship you have with your spouse should never be shared with someone else.  If your friendship changes now...it's less you have to deal with later.   

5.  Marriage will solve your dating problems:  I meet people all the time who think the issues and arguments that keep tripping them up in dating will magically disappear when they are married.

But for some reason this rule is never applied to other things in life.  Things are what they are, and we expect them to stay that way.  "It is what it is" has never been more accurate than it is in the world of dating.

When I meet with couples in marriage counseling, so much of the time the things that they are dealing with, the traits are driving them crazy, the habits that they can't seem to get control of are all things that began to take root even in their dating years.  Things they ignored, things they wished away, things they made excuses for.  Fast forward 5, 10, 15 years and these things are magnified more than ever.  Marriage is the pressure cooker that brings them to the surface. 

So, don't rush marriage as the solution, but seek to find the solutions in your dating relationship- if a solution is to be found, it will be there.  Because at the end of the day, "it is what it is".  So make sure it's good.

Dating is a great season to get to know yourself and to experience relationships with others in hopes of finding true love.  Don't let these lies hold you back, but strive to achieve a healthy perspective.  Trust God first and then trust your heart.  The truth will be right around the corner. 

 

Those Are Some Very Nice Ashes:

Isaiah 61:3
To give them a crown in place of ashes, oil of joy in place of mourning, praise in place of discouragement... 

I found myself getting discouraged last week.  It was one of those weeks in which I felt overwhelmed by the suffering and sorrow around me.  Not sure if you know this, but people are hurting in some really serious ways.  Friends, family, and clients.  It was just one of those days.  I had just finished listening to stories of brokenness, pain, and sadness only to be ushered into more. 


Sometimes it seems as though all this life has to offer is pain.  The truth is, I almost gave into that discouragement. 

And then I saw God at work. 


I met a young man recently who is climbing out of some serious pain...into something beautiful.  I see God at work in His life, and I am watching Him take this pile of ashes- and turn them into something incredible. 

I witnessed an artist a few months ago, take some dirty ashes on a plain piece of paper- and within just a few moments, out of the ashes I could see the most incredible picture.  She painted the most beautiful painting I had ever seen.


I'm reminded of this painting as I witness the life of this young man.  I'm reminded of a God who takes the most horrific and twisted pile of ashes we have to offer- put them into his nail pierced hands, and begin to work.  It takes paint to create something nice, but it takes ashes to create something incredibly beautiful.  The real beauty lies in the artist's ability to create something out of nothing. 

It's true.  He can do that.  And he does it every day.  I need to remember that as I look into the pain of the people around me, and as I look into the sorrows from my own life.  For every person caught in a pit of ashes, there is the hope for something beautiful. 

Will you allow Him to begin his masterpiece?

The Real Deal About New Years Resolutions:

Philippians 1:6
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.

Christmas is all over.  The floor is lined with remnants of brightly colored paper and curly ribbons.  The anticipation of giving and receiving has subsided.  The sun of this year has slowly set, and we await the dawning of the new year. 

The New Year.  For most, this brings a sense of excitement.  A new beginning of sorts.  A time to refresh, reshape, reprioritize, and rethink the goals of the past. 

But for the forgotten others, the New Year may bring with it a sense of failure.  It may bring with it the disappointment that comes with things hoped for that were not accomplished, things prayed for that were not answered, things dreamed that did not come to pass.  For many, it brings a sense of regret.  Things promised that were not followed through, things started that were not finished, things done that cannot be erased. 

I recently met a woman who dreaded this time of year, loaded with the nonsense of New Years Resolutions.  The time of year when we fool ourselves into thinking that we’ve started fresh. The time of year where we lie to ourselves, trying to believe we have the power to accomplish what we cannot.  The time of year where we set high expectations that can never be accomplished.  The time of year where we set ourselves up for one thing alone- failure. 

There is something pessimistically honest about her perspective.  There is something refreshing hidden beneath the negativity and despair of her statement.  Because, you see, in many ways she is right. 

When we begin to view our success and accomplishments as our sole responsibility- failure is inevitably right around the corner.  There is only so much our feeble humanity can accomplish.  Only so much we can dream, only so much we can try, only so much we can hope.  Only so much we can fail…without growing weary.  Whether we come to this conclusion early in life, or whether we are enlightened the moment before our eternal departure- this one truth we cannot avoid facing: our human limitation. 

Though, unlike this woman, this does not bring me despair- rather, it causes me to rejoice.  It causes me to find freedom from the burdens of accomplishment that I tend to place upon my shoulders.  It causes me bring my chains of human expectation before a God who holds the keys of ultimate sovereignty in His hands.  It causes me to rest in the truth that I am in His care, remembering that the great things He began in me will not be neglected.

It may tarry, but it will come.  It might not be in our limited perspective of time, and it might not be before the new year, but one thing is certain:

He who began a good work in you, will complete it. 

Friends, may your failures and your regrets be replaced with new hope, freedom, and a renewed sense of anticipation as you await the completion of His great works in your life.  Amen.

Thanksgiving: No Regrets

Philippians 3:13
Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead...

For me, this year has been filled with an enormous amount of blessing…and a great deal of loss.  John and I have been overwhelmed by the bounty of God’s blessing in our lives this year.  And I wonder sometimes if the losses that we have experienced have been the true catalyst for our sincere joy.  I suppose it’s in the face of loss that one realizes where true joys are to be found.

This year, as some of you know, I lost my dear Uncle Abe.  Shortly after that loss, another dear friend of ours was suddenly taken to heaven.  Last week I went to visit his wife.  I thought it would be a good time of sharing and a time to encourage her in her time of need.  What I didn’t expect, is that she would be the one to challenge and encourage me far beyond what I anticipated.

As we were chatting, she was describing her relationship with her beloved husband.  One thing she said to me I will never forget, “When I look back, I am thankful that I have no regrets about the way we loved each other”. 

I am absolutely challenged by that statement.  And this Thanksgiving, more than anything else, I am challenged to live that out.  I want to be a woman who has no regrets in the way that I love, recognizing every moment as a most precious and temporary gift. 

First and foremost I am thankful for my Lord.  Thankful for the undeserved grace that is lavished upon me every single day, graces that are new every morning.  I want to live a life of no regrets in how I love my Lord.

Second, I am thankful for my precious husband.  I never believed that there was “one special person out there made just for me”, until I met him.  He was fashioned for me, as a gift from my God, in every little way.  I am so thankful for his integrity, his humility, his heart and the love he showers on me everyday.  I want to live a life of no regrets in how I love him.

Thirdly, I am so thankful for my family.  I can’t say my family is perfect- no family is, but I can say with confidence that it’s an incredible thing to be fully and completely loved, supported, and accepted by them- no matter what.  My parents are two of my best friends, and my brother is one of the greatest men to walk the face of this earth.  I want to life a life of no regrets in how I love them. 

Lastly, I am thankful for my friends- for all the special people that God has placed in my life.  Each one of you is a unique piece that could never be replaced.  I want to live a life of no regrets in how I love each of you.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. 

May we love with no regrets.

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