A Mother's Reaction to the CT Tragady:

Proverbs 14:26
Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge.

As a nation, it is safe to say that we are all carrying heavy hearts.  The tragic events of Friday, December 14th will not quickly be forgotten in our hearts nor erased from our minds.  The day when young, innocent life was brutally slain. Snatched from the hearts and stolen from the hands of loving parents...all in a blink of an eye.  

With those stolen lives, came the abrasive realization that we are not in control.  Maybe we never really were.

For mothers and fathers like myself, in an instant- a fear swept over us in grasping the truth that there is only so much we can do to protect our children.  Only so far we can hide them from the pain of this world.  Only so long we can cover their eyes, guard their ears, protect their hearts, and hold them close.  

I found myself carrying the sting of fear on December 14th.  Realizing that I had no control over the fate of my life and even darker still, no control over the fate of my children's life.  Yes, I can love them, hold them, and nurture them.  I can teach them, discipline them, and correct them.  I can guide them, lead them, and encourage them.  But at the end of the day...there is only so much that I can do.  The rest is completely out of my hands.

I found myself slipping into fear.  Drowning in it.  Gasping for breath.  Wondering how to live from here...

Then Jesus so graciously spoke these words into my aching heart,

"Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge."

I paused to soak in the reality of this truth.  

The reality is that as Christians, we have an amazing and eternal hope.  When we finally acknowledge that our children are out of our hands, we are opened to acknowledging that they are safely passed into His.  

Whether in this life or the next, those who give their children the fortress of the Lord have given them the greatest gift imaginable, here on earth and ever, ever, ever after.  

The Lord will be their refuge.  

When they face hard times...
When they feel afraid....
When no one else understands...
When they feel all alone...
When they don't know which way to turn...
When their parents have fallen short...
When they are standing before an important choice...
When they are confused, scared, and in need...

Parents, there is no greater gift to give our children.  There is no greater way to protect their little hearts.  There is no greater plan to keeping them safe...

Then to allow their safety to rest in the refuge of the God who knows them, loves, them, cares for them, and watches over them better than we ever can.  Better than we ever will.  

But it is our job to lead them to Him.  It is our job to model and exemplify his grace.  It is our job to introduce them to His love. It is our job to fear Him, to love Him, to honor Him, to trust Him...so that they can see, that they can believe, that they can live in such a way too.  So that they can find an eternal refuge. 

Here on earth, and forever...forever more.  

Oh Lord, may we know you so well, may we fear you so lovingly, may we love you so fearfully....so that our every breath brings our children one step closer into your loving, safe, and eternal arms. 





 

5 Things I LOST now that I'm a Parent: But what I've Gained

I was just taking in my life the other day and looked to my husband and said, "When exactly did these little people get here?"  It's amazing how quickly life goes by and how fast we have transitioned from newly weds, to love birds, and now to the parents of two amazing little kids (Ella- age 2, Elijah - age 5 months).  5 years has gone by fast, and we're excited to see what God has planned for the next 50!

Who could have prepared us for the world of parenthood?  Pretty much no one.  With this transition opens up an entire universe, one to which we never knew existed.  New rules, new standards, and in fact...a new you.  Our lives have changed so much over the past 25 months and with that change has come a lot of sacrifice.  Some days you look around at the mess, the laundry, chaos, and the insanity and all you can think about is the sacrifice...but most days...most days are filled with so much joy, and such blessings. 

We have lost some things through the transition into parenthood, but we have gained so much more.  Here are some of those things:

1.  We have lost sleep:  Let me put it this way, no one told me I had to be an early bird in order to put in an application for parenthood.  Well....now it's a little too late.  My husband and I love us some sleep, and I look back fondly with memories of Sunday mornings, pre-children, sleeping in until 10:45am and still catching our 11am church service right down the road.

Well, I can't remember the last time I have seen 10am on my alarm clock.  And on sick nights, newborn nights, and teething nights...I see a lot of numbers on that clock (2am, 4am, 6am...) none of which are 10am....

Though John and I have lost many hours of sleep over the past two years...we have gained so much joy.  The mornings are a fun time for our family, and it's incredible to be greeted by these precious little kids that love and adore you so much...and to see the biggest smiles on their faces and the immense joy they have in just starting a new day.  Such innocence.  Such beauty.  So much so, that some mornings John and I have resorted to take turns going in to get them just because we each want to be first to see their precious smiles.

For this, I wouldn't trade anything...not even all the sleep in the world.


2.  We have lost freedom:  One of the first changes I felt after the arrival of our first was the complete lack of freedom that we now had.  Going from being completely independent, to now having a little life completely dependent on you  definitely comes with some pressure.  No more late nights out, no more midnight movies, no going out to eat past 7pm (unless you have a sick love for tantrums...).  Our schedules revolve around our children, and if you're having a backyard party at 2pm...well, there's a good chance we can't make it, because it's nap time (unless....you have a sick love for tantrums...). 

Yet though our life has been somewhat restricted...we have learned to find so much joy in the people in our life rather than the events in our life.  There is something indescribably special about spending the evening at home with the kids and playing games, doing crafts, or having a dance party (that Elmo guy can really break it down...).  We have so much fun having picnics at home, walking to the park, and having friends come to play.  We've learned to connect more with our family, but we've also learned to connect more with the friends in our lives.  Though we can't always go to the fanciest restaurants...we can have friends over for pizza, ice cream, and games.  Sharing these moments with the people we love most have become some of our most special memories.  Forget freedom...we have each other. 

3. We have lost our hobbies:  It's really a miracle that I'm even writing right now...before bedtime, and not during a nap.  (Well, Baby is napping...and Ella is playing kitchen set with daddy).  But seriously, there's a whole lot more that I'd like to do than write.  I would love to enroll in cooking classes, go play tennis on a beautiful fall day, and sit and read books at a coffee shop.  John would love to play some basketball, take up woodworking, and learn the drums...but you know what, we don't have the time right now.  Beyond our careers and our family, and after spending time with some friends- at the end of the week our time bank is pretty much spent- and our minutes don't roll over! 

Though we've given up our hobbies (only for a season...), we've been blessed to find so many new joys in our children.  I love cooking for my family every day, getting creative with meals and making fun treats.  John takes some time out to work with his hands, making things for out kids to enjoy rather than just going out and buying them. We've learned to make do with the time that we have and integrate our hobbies in those ways.  There will be a day to drive to Starbucks and pick up my books once again ...but for now, I'm going to enjoy Dr. Suess, The Hungry Caterpillar, and All of God's Critters again, and again, and again while my little ones are snuggled close. 

4. We have lost our dreams: You know, lost is a strong word.  Rather, our dreams have been transformed.  I remember the days of longing to travel, to see the world and write about it.  Or of opening a home for troubled teenage girls and pouring into their lives every day.  And long...long before that....dreams of playing in the WNBA (yes, this is now funny to me too...). 

Though my dreams have come and gone throughout my life, most recently  my dreams have been transformed.  The moment I saw the precious face of my teeny little babies, I knew my dreams now belonged to each one of them.  I live to make them smile, and dream about the day when they will find their purpose, joy, and significance in this world- and in the eyes of our God.  For now, I live to teach them those things, and my greatest dreams are for them to know that they are loved.  Oh, so loved.  For me, there is no greater fulfillment than that.     

5.  We've lost our view of God: I don't know what I thought of God before.  I mean, I was in relationship with Him, and I knew He loved me and I loved Him.  But you know, I don't think I really grasped that until I had children of my own.  Having these children as an extension of who I am has taught me to love in a way that I never even knew was possible, and to give of myself in a way I never dreamed I could.  To know that I serve a God who loves me in such a deep way is breath taking.  He is willing to give everything for me.  And He did.  His love for me is ferocious, and because of this He wants me to live my life in a way that matters.  He wants to fill my heart with joy.

John and I find ourselves learning lesson after lesson about God's love and grace through our daily interactions with our children.  We have gotten just a glimpse of his heart in a way we never saw before....and the Father's love for us  is so much greater than we could have ever imagined.   


I am so thankful for my children, and for the family God has given me.  Sometimes I need to remind myself of these joys, but I am thankful for a God who is willing to graciously remind me of all that I have been given.  The joys far outweigh it all.  I'm grateful.  May you be, too.   

10 Things I've Learned as a Mommy of Two (Under 2!):

I've been reflecting on the past two months with our newest addition, baby Elijah.  Just when you think you've learned (and relearned) it all as a mom, you get to go through the process all over again.  Here are some things I've learned.

10.  Whatever your expectations are, lower them.  Right now.  I know as a mom I tend to have really high expectations for myself (oh really, you too?).  I want everything to be just right for my children, want to be there for them, to provide for them, and to take care of them.  All the while juggling an entire household, a career, and somewhere finding room in there to get a shower.  I've learned to cut myself some slack these past few months, and realize that it's okay every now and again to get nothing "done" around the house.  No dishes done.  Nothing made for dinner.  Even let the laundry pile up.  Sometimes, all you can do in a day is just be a mom...and some days, that's all your supposed to do. 

9.  You are not alone (everyone else is feeling just as overwhelmed as you are)!  I remember one day early on when baby Eli was just a few weeks old calling up my friend Jessie, who informed me she was having a really bad day.  "You are??  I'm so glad!" was literally the first statement out of my mouth.  I was having a pretty rough day trying to juggle both kids, and just hearing my friend's transparency was all that I needed.  In this world of social media and Facebook sharing, you can fall into the trap of thinking that everyone else has got it all together but you.  As if all the other moms are juggling 5 kids, all while engineering the cutest Pinterest activities, cooking gourmet meals, and keeping their house spiffy clean- and taking pictures to prove it!  Not reality.  It's good to be real with each other, because those kind of friends are the ones that I have really found comfort in as a mom. 

8.  It's good for children to "get a little dusty".  My doctor reminded me as I left the hospital that kids are like furniture, a little dust on them is protective.  I didn't exactly get what she meant by that.  Now I do.  My children have seen a little "dust" the past few weeks.  Not getting everything they want just when they want it, but getting what they need.  Have they had to stay in PJ's a little longer than usual some mornings?  Yes. Have they had to wait their turn to get milk refilled, diapers changed, or books read .  Yes.  Have they had to share their mommy's attention some times?  Yes.  But all the while they have felt undeniably loved and always cared for.  And that is all that truly matters. 

7.  Ask for help, and then accept it!  I have some really amazing friends and family who have come right over, cooked, cleaned, folded and played for me the past few weeks.  And I have had to really learn how to let them.  I am very independent, and I don't usually ask for help unless I'm desperate.  I've learned to break that habit in order to prevent myself from becoming desperate.  It's preventative maintenance!  When help is there I've learned to receive it, and to be okay with it...and have even started enjoying it....a lot!  And when it's not, I've learned to ask for it.  And it has made all the difference.

6.  Seasons come and seasons go.  Being a mom of two has found me less short sighted than I was before.  I realize that these moments of infancy (hard as they can be) are going to pass right before my eyes just like they did with my daughter- who I cannot believe will be 2 in a month and a half!  I'm learning to enjoy them as much as I can (though getting waken at 4am will probably never be entirely enjoyable...). 

5.  Saying no is a great thing.  During these early months of being the mother of a newborn, I've realized how limited that makes me at times.  Babies require a whole lot of time.  I've learned to say no and be okay with it.  I've put things on hold including ministry, outings, and at times church in order to keep myself focused and keep my energy poured into the things that really need it right now- namely two little ones.  There will be a time when I can pour into a lot of other things, but for now, it's time to just pour into them.   

4.  Pouring into them, means pouring into me!  I'm being deliberate about pouring into myself.  I am really drawing on strength from my husband to give me the encouragement I need when my love tank is running low.  After pouring into two kids all day, you need to find people, and things, that will pour back into you.  A quick shopping trip for some retail therapy.  A good conversation with a friend.  And most importantly, learning to carve out time just to be with Jesus.  I need His love, affirmation, and affection to be poured on me all day.  Otherwise, how would I have anything to pour out?

3.  Grace is a must.  If one child is a reminder of my inadequacies, two doubles that realization.  I make mistakes, lose my patience sometimes, and get overwhelmed.  But I have really learned to allow God's grace to be real in my life, each and every single day.  I've learned to let my weaknesses draw me even closer to Him, and to allow His strength to carry me through whatever lies before me.  He's been faithful.  And His grace limitless. 

2. Embrace your calling.  More than ever I am seeing my job as a mom as a real calling and ministry.  This is what God has called me to, and He has chosen me to care for these precious little ones.  Their personalities, quirks, and characteristics were formed specifically for me.  And I was made just for them.  There is something powerful about seeing your children in that light.  They are your "match made in heaven" and it's because only YOU could do for them what you are doing.  I claimed and believed that truth a lot the past few months.  And it's really changed my outlook.  They are my calling.  I am called to them to love them, nourish them, discipline, and direct them- and they are called to me, to refine me, challenge me, and to bring my life so much joy. 

1.  My life is full.  The other day someone said to me, "Debbie, your life is full".  My first thought was, I don't always feel that way caught in the moment of the 3rd diaper change in an hour, nap times, snacks, sippy cups, baby crying at 6am, more diapers, and then bed time.  The day is a whirlwind sometimes, and sometimes life sure doesn't feel full.  But I'm learning to see past the temporary, and to see beyond it into what God is doing in my life and in the lives of my children.  He is using me in ways I can't even fathom right now, and he's using them to bring joys, richness, and fullness into my life.  And they have brought that in so many ways.  I'm learning to see my role as a mom, but I'm also learning to see my role beyond it: as an encourager, a minister, a counselor, and a nurturer to my children- yet allowing those things to overflow into the lives of others around me.  God has bless me.  My life is full.  I'm learning to fix my eyes on the blessings of what I have, rather than that of what I want. 

So, to all the moms out there, be encouraged.  You are doing exactly what you were meant to do and have been equipped with everything you could possibly need to do it.  Right here. Right now.  No room for guilt, shame, or unrealistic expectations in God's sea of overwhelming grace.  Can I get an amen?

Facebook & The Dangers of Social Pornography:

Matthew 7:6
Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.

I finally picked up Rob Bell's book, Sex God, last month when my husband and I were on vacation.  A few friends had recommended it and I decided to give it a read.

Funny thing is, out of all the things he said one of the smallest phrases caught my eye and has since then been transformational in my personal life.  I forget the exact quote, but he was talking about the dangers of sexuality taken out of proper context (particularly sexualization in media, pornography, etc.).

He explained in that chapter that when the sacredness of sexuality is exposed in such a meaningless way...it loses it's sacredness.  He went on to talk about how some of the most intimate moments between he and his wife are meant to be shared only by them.  No third parties allowed.  Because in an essence, the exclusivity of those things are what makes them so meaningful...so sacred.

I love that idea, and I believe it wholeheartedly when it comes to the area of sex and sexuality within the context of a marriage.  But you know, it got me thinking about the reality of these concepts within the context of our social world. 

Before I explain, let me start off by saying I love social media.  I'm a huge fan of Facebook.  I love it's ability to connect me with friends and family.  I love that I can post pictures of my daughter for my in-laws who live in Chicago, and within moments they can see her smiling face.  I love connecting with others, planning events, and keeping track with what everyone else is doing when I don't always have the time for a 30 minute phonecall....with 10 people.

But I've also learned that there can be a huge danger in this kind of "connecting".  In an essence, there are times when the online world acts like a kind of social pornography.  It allows for us to "connect" with people for the sake of connecting rather than for the sake of living, gratifying an urge inside of us momentarily.  Not allowing us to experience true connection in it's most fulfilling context: real life. 
  
I find it almost humorous when I see status updates talking about "how much fun" someone is having in the moment, or "how incredible" this experience is with their family...because if it's really that great, why are you on Facebook?  There is a tendency to talk about the moment, more than savor the moment.  A tendency to take the sacred things in our lives, and throw them before swine...giving them away to people who don't really care, rather than investing those moments in the people around us who actually, genuinely matter.   

It acts like social pornography, because it gives us a platform to share some really sacred things...some really intimate details...in the context of a meaningless atmosphere.  And in the end...it causes those things to lose their sacredness...

I know this might be a hard bite to chew, and an even harder one to swallow, but hear me on this.  I am speaking to myself just as much as I am to anyone reading.  In focusing so much on our "audience"...I think we've lost the real meaning behind the show.  You see, we can become so focused on the connecting, that we actually take away from the living.

I'm trying to work out these things in my life.  Rather than "status updating" about my sweet daughter every 15 minutes...I'm taking the time to enjoy her...even if no one else knows it but me.  Rather than post about my amazing husband, I'm taking the opportunities to tell him how much I love him...face to face...heart to heart.  Even if no one else hears it.

There is meaning in the sacredness...because these are things that are inherently meaningful. Audience or no audience. 

Don't give in to the false intimacy that comes with social pornography...and make time for the genuine intimacy that comes with the day to day real life.  Make time for the people around you.  Here and now.