Still Stuck on My Partner's Sexual Past: A Follow Up Letter to My Readers

Mark 11:25
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

I've gotten a lot of emails from readers in response to my latest article for Relevant Magazine addressing the topic of sexual history, particularly when it comes to your partner's past.

More than anything, the emails have been from broken and hurting individuals, struggling with their own personal pasts or trying to make sense of the past of their partners.  There's no question as to the pain and confusion that the issue of premarital sexual intimacy causes for couples young and old.  It breaks my heart to read their stories and feel their pain through the words of an email.

But the reason I love my faith in God is because it never has to end at needless pain.  There is always more to the story for those who believe.  There is always an exchange of some sort...from ashes, to beauty.  I'm a firm believer that God can heal a person's past, and that He can also heal the wounds that that past might cause in a relationship.   Not only heal, but cause it to thrive...

This particular blog post was requested with that concept in mind.  I recently got an email from a young man facing marital struggles in light of his sexual past, looking for some more guidance and direction in this area.  His spouse is struggling with his past, and they seem to be stuck.  What do you do when you are in a relationship in which your partner is hung up on your past?  How much time do you give to this struggle?  How many details do you go over, and how often?  Ho do you help them move forward?  Where does a couple draw the line?

This couple is not alone in their struggles.  I wish I could devote an entire book to this topic (and maybe I will, once I finish writing my current book...).  Unfortunately, this is a topic that a simple blog post cannot do justice.  But with that said, I'm going to leave you with three points that will begin paving the way for the possibility of healing to begin in your marital relationship:


1.  For the partner married to one with a past:  You are on a difficult journey, to be sure.  And as hard as it is to say, the only thing that will make this journey even more difficult is your personal insecurities.  I speak for myself when I say I personally have a whole lot of those!  The interesting thing is, that I find I am most hurt and grieved by the things that I already struggle with within myself.  


The article I wrote talked about having perspective and forgiveness...but in order to begin that process, we have to search our own demons of inadequacies and insecurities*.  Our partners past will haunt us if we allow these deadly little monsters to take root in our brains.  The more confident we are in our relationship with God and in our relationship with our spouse, the easier it will be to forgive and to begin healing. 


But this takes honesty.  Honesty with yourself and with your partner.  Search your heart.  Find those insecurities, and share them with your partner.  Rather than seeking out the nitty-gritty details to salvage the wounds of your personal insecurities, seek affirmation, love, and affection in times of need.  Those are what truly begin to heal the wounds.  It's important to be able to say, "Honey, I feel really insecure about your past right now, and I could really use some love and affirmation from you".  It's hard to be vulnerable, but it's the only place to gain true strength.  

And remember....no matter how incredible your mate, they can never fill you up in the way that Jesus can.  Run to Him first with all of your emotional needs...and allow your partner's offerings to be simply the overflow.

2.  To the one who holds a sexual past:  Be patient with your partner.  Be available.  Understand that the need to "know" about your past, is ultimately the need for love, affirmation, and affection.  Recognize this, and begin to speak into that part of their life by pouring our affirmation and validation. 

I don't think it's healthy to review your past again and again for the sake of affirmation...because rather than affirm, it may actually separate.  It's important to be honest, but once you have done so encourage your spouse to move forward by allowing your actions and your words to portray unconditional love and undying commitment.  In this situation, actions really will speak louder than words.  Gentleness, compassion, affection, self-control, respect, and romance...pour your love on them as your offering.   


You can't heal your partners insecurities, but you can support, love, and encourage them on their journey of healing. 


3.  To both of you: Communicate with one another.  Be honest about what you need and share your struggles with each other.  You are on this journey together, and you have the option of allowing these issues to separate you...but you also have every right to draw closer because of them.  


Seek God together in these matters...pray out loud for each other, and begin to share an intimacy with one another that is FAR beyond any "sexual encounter" in your past.  The greatest intimacy in life is found in this kind of emotional closeness...and when you share that with another, you have found something priceless.  Relish that, live for that...and choose to find it in each other.  


My prayers go out to all of you who are struggling with these issues.  May God teach us all to accept forgiveness upon ourselves as we learn to bestow that same forgiveness onto others.


*Be encouraged to seek professional counseling for any issues that seem to be effecting your life beyond what you can handle.  There are amazing counselors out there who are equipped to help.  Check out the AACC for a list of Christian Professionals in your area. 

A Ridiculous Amount of Patience: Waiting on God

Numbers 9: 19-22
When the cloud remained over the tabernacle a long time, the Israelites obeyed the LORD's order and did not set out. Sometimes the cloud was over the tabernacle only a few days; at the LORD's command they would encamp, and then at his command they would set out. 

Sometimes the cloud stayed only from evening till morning, and when it lifted in the morning, they set out. Whether by day or by night, whenever the cloud lifted, they set out. Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted, they would set out.

I almost have to laugh when I read this passage.  Let me explain.  Here they are, millions of men, women and children journeying on foot to an unknown land.  They had just escaped the slavery of Egypt, and were on their way to the "promised land".  There was something fantastic coming up ahead...God had promised it to those who followed Him.


You see, I laugh because the process of getting to this land must have taken a ridiculous amount of patience, and I myself am hardly a fan of the word.  I like to be efficient.  I want things to be done in time.  I don't like to "sit around and wait".  There is no time for wasting, and there is definitely no time to delay.  Frankly, there is really no time for patience at all....the entire concept just takes way too long. 

The strange thing is, the part I find most challenging about this passage is not just about patience...it's about the unknown.  You see, had God given them a "set time" to wait around- say....2 days at a time...at least that would have given them time to plan out their patience, time to figure out what to do with their hours, time to compile a list of things to do, places to see.  But He didn't.  The waiting was completely unknown to them. 

It could have been days...months...or even years.

I guess I never comprehended the gravity of such a thing.  Imagine waiting around for something...something you expected to happen in a couple of hours or at the most, a couple of days.  Imagine having to wait for a year...maybe even two.

But even more than the wait, imagine being at a place of utter obedience.  A place in life that is so completely reliant on God that you don't even bat an eye at the wait...because you trust Him.  Imagine having the amount of patience that sets aside your own agendas and plans...your own time-frame, in exchange for the greatest gift of all:  God's perfect will.

In my opinion, we could all use a good dose of ridiculous patience.  We've all waited on God to do things our way, trying to get through the waiting, as if it were a means to an end.  But imagine the waiting was the end.  Imagine the purpose of the delay was simply that- to take our focus off the end result and exchange it for a focus on Him.  To take our vision off the destination and allow our eyes to rest only on the Guide.  I believe that may just be the purpose of waiting...the purpose of developing patience.  

When I read this passage, that's what I see.  The Israelites were forced to exchange their focus from the preoccupation of the destination to the preoccupation with the Guide.  Everyday, it was the Cloud that guided them- and it was the Cloud of God's Spirit that ultimately won their attention...minute by minute, hour by hour.  Their eyes were fixed on Him. 

I want to see the periods of waiting in my life as more than simply time to kill.  I want to learn to see patience as the path that takes my focus on the natural and allows it to rest on the supernatural.  I want to allow God to use my time of waiting as a season to fix my eyes thoroughly on Him rather than simply getting "through".  I want God to grant me a ridiculous patience that is ultimately more concerned with the Guide than the destination.

Lord, grant us true patience as we rest in your perfect will.