A Mother's Reaction to the CT Tragady:

Proverbs 14:26
Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge.

As a nation, it is safe to say that we are all carrying heavy hearts.  The tragic events of Friday, December 14th will not quickly be forgotten in our hearts nor erased from our minds.  The day when young, innocent life was brutally slain. Snatched from the hearts and stolen from the hands of loving parents...all in a blink of an eye.  

With those stolen lives, came the abrasive realization that we are not in control.  Maybe we never really were.

For mothers and fathers like myself, in an instant- a fear swept over us in grasping the truth that there is only so much we can do to protect our children.  Only so far we can hide them from the pain of this world.  Only so long we can cover their eyes, guard their ears, protect their hearts, and hold them close.  

I found myself carrying the sting of fear on December 14th.  Realizing that I had no control over the fate of my life and even darker still, no control over the fate of my children's life.  Yes, I can love them, hold them, and nurture them.  I can teach them, discipline them, and correct them.  I can guide them, lead them, and encourage them.  But at the end of the day...there is only so much that I can do.  The rest is completely out of my hands.

I found myself slipping into fear.  Drowning in it.  Gasping for breath.  Wondering how to live from here...

Then Jesus so graciously spoke these words into my aching heart,

"Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge."

I paused to soak in the reality of this truth.  

The reality is that as Christians, we have an amazing and eternal hope.  When we finally acknowledge that our children are out of our hands, we are opened to acknowledging that they are safely passed into His.  

Whether in this life or the next, those who give their children the fortress of the Lord have given them the greatest gift imaginable, here on earth and ever, ever, ever after.  

The Lord will be their refuge.  

When they face hard times...
When they feel afraid....
When no one else understands...
When they feel all alone...
When they don't know which way to turn...
When their parents have fallen short...
When they are standing before an important choice...
When they are confused, scared, and in need...

Parents, there is no greater gift to give our children.  There is no greater way to protect their little hearts.  There is no greater plan to keeping them safe...

Then to allow their safety to rest in the refuge of the God who knows them, loves, them, cares for them, and watches over them better than we ever can.  Better than we ever will.  

But it is our job to lead them to Him.  It is our job to model and exemplify his grace.  It is our job to introduce them to His love. It is our job to fear Him, to love Him, to honor Him, to trust Him...so that they can see, that they can believe, that they can live in such a way too.  So that they can find an eternal refuge. 

Here on earth, and forever...forever more.  

Oh Lord, may we know you so well, may we fear you so lovingly, may we love you so fearfully....so that our every breath brings our children one step closer into your loving, safe, and eternal arms. 





 

5 Things I LOST now that I'm a Parent: But what I've Gained

I was just taking in my life the other day and looked to my husband and said, "When exactly did these little people get here?"  It's amazing how quickly life goes by and how fast we have transitioned from newly weds, to love birds, and now to the parents of two amazing little kids (Ella- age 2, Elijah - age 5 months).  5 years has gone by fast, and we're excited to see what God has planned for the next 50!

Who could have prepared us for the world of parenthood?  Pretty much no one.  With this transition opens up an entire universe, one to which we never knew existed.  New rules, new standards, and in fact...a new you.  Our lives have changed so much over the past 25 months and with that change has come a lot of sacrifice.  Some days you look around at the mess, the laundry, chaos, and the insanity and all you can think about is the sacrifice...but most days...most days are filled with so much joy, and such blessings. 

We have lost some things through the transition into parenthood, but we have gained so much more.  Here are some of those things:

1.  We have lost sleep:  Let me put it this way, no one told me I had to be an early bird in order to put in an application for parenthood.  Well....now it's a little too late.  My husband and I love us some sleep, and I look back fondly with memories of Sunday mornings, pre-children, sleeping in until 10:45am and still catching our 11am church service right down the road.

Well, I can't remember the last time I have seen 10am on my alarm clock.  And on sick nights, newborn nights, and teething nights...I see a lot of numbers on that clock (2am, 4am, 6am...) none of which are 10am....

Though John and I have lost many hours of sleep over the past two years...we have gained so much joy.  The mornings are a fun time for our family, and it's incredible to be greeted by these precious little kids that love and adore you so much...and to see the biggest smiles on their faces and the immense joy they have in just starting a new day.  Such innocence.  Such beauty.  So much so, that some mornings John and I have resorted to take turns going in to get them just because we each want to be first to see their precious smiles.

For this, I wouldn't trade anything...not even all the sleep in the world.


2.  We have lost freedom:  One of the first changes I felt after the arrival of our first was the complete lack of freedom that we now had.  Going from being completely independent, to now having a little life completely dependent on you  definitely comes with some pressure.  No more late nights out, no more midnight movies, no going out to eat past 7pm (unless you have a sick love for tantrums...).  Our schedules revolve around our children, and if you're having a backyard party at 2pm...well, there's a good chance we can't make it, because it's nap time (unless....you have a sick love for tantrums...). 

Yet though our life has been somewhat restricted...we have learned to find so much joy in the people in our life rather than the events in our life.  There is something indescribably special about spending the evening at home with the kids and playing games, doing crafts, or having a dance party (that Elmo guy can really break it down...).  We have so much fun having picnics at home, walking to the park, and having friends come to play.  We've learned to connect more with our family, but we've also learned to connect more with the friends in our lives.  Though we can't always go to the fanciest restaurants...we can have friends over for pizza, ice cream, and games.  Sharing these moments with the people we love most have become some of our most special memories.  Forget freedom...we have each other. 

3. We have lost our hobbies:  It's really a miracle that I'm even writing right now...before bedtime, and not during a nap.  (Well, Baby is napping...and Ella is playing kitchen set with daddy).  But seriously, there's a whole lot more that I'd like to do than write.  I would love to enroll in cooking classes, go play tennis on a beautiful fall day, and sit and read books at a coffee shop.  John would love to play some basketball, take up woodworking, and learn the drums...but you know what, we don't have the time right now.  Beyond our careers and our family, and after spending time with some friends- at the end of the week our time bank is pretty much spent- and our minutes don't roll over! 

Though we've given up our hobbies (only for a season...), we've been blessed to find so many new joys in our children.  I love cooking for my family every day, getting creative with meals and making fun treats.  John takes some time out to work with his hands, making things for out kids to enjoy rather than just going out and buying them. We've learned to make do with the time that we have and integrate our hobbies in those ways.  There will be a day to drive to Starbucks and pick up my books once again ...but for now, I'm going to enjoy Dr. Suess, The Hungry Caterpillar, and All of God's Critters again, and again, and again while my little ones are snuggled close. 

4. We have lost our dreams: You know, lost is a strong word.  Rather, our dreams have been transformed.  I remember the days of longing to travel, to see the world and write about it.  Or of opening a home for troubled teenage girls and pouring into their lives every day.  And long...long before that....dreams of playing in the WNBA (yes, this is now funny to me too...). 

Though my dreams have come and gone throughout my life, most recently  my dreams have been transformed.  The moment I saw the precious face of my teeny little babies, I knew my dreams now belonged to each one of them.  I live to make them smile, and dream about the day when they will find their purpose, joy, and significance in this world- and in the eyes of our God.  For now, I live to teach them those things, and my greatest dreams are for them to know that they are loved.  Oh, so loved.  For me, there is no greater fulfillment than that.     

5.  We've lost our view of God: I don't know what I thought of God before.  I mean, I was in relationship with Him, and I knew He loved me and I loved Him.  But you know, I don't think I really grasped that until I had children of my own.  Having these children as an extension of who I am has taught me to love in a way that I never even knew was possible, and to give of myself in a way I never dreamed I could.  To know that I serve a God who loves me in such a deep way is breath taking.  He is willing to give everything for me.  And He did.  His love for me is ferocious, and because of this He wants me to live my life in a way that matters.  He wants to fill my heart with joy.

John and I find ourselves learning lesson after lesson about God's love and grace through our daily interactions with our children.  We have gotten just a glimpse of his heart in a way we never saw before....and the Father's love for us  is so much greater than we could have ever imagined.   


I am so thankful for my children, and for the family God has given me.  Sometimes I need to remind myself of these joys, but I am thankful for a God who is willing to graciously remind me of all that I have been given.  The joys far outweigh it all.  I'm grateful.  May you be, too.   

Why I Hate Running and What I'm Running From:

Hebrews 12:1-2
And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith.

There's nothing I despise more than running.  It takes so much out of me.  Energy.  Strength.  Motivation.  But that's what I've been doing lately.  This time, I'm not talking about physical running.  I'm talking about emotional...and spiritual running.  

To put it vaguely, I've been going through a difficult time in my life.  God has blessed me with so much, and the roots of those blessings run so deep in my life- but the stems of those blessings have began to blossom into pain, suffering, and stress.  The seeds must fall in order for the fruit to be birthed.  I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces much fruit (John 12:24).

I'm waiting for that fruit.  Having to remind myself that it is actually rooted in blessings, though some days blessing is the last thing I feel.  Some days, I just feel crushed.  Pressed.  Persecuted.  And struck down.  

For a moment, I thought the seeds had fallen...I thought it was time to harvest, to taste, to enjoy the fruit.  But I was wrong.  The season is not yet over.  

It's like I was running a marathon, headed toward the finish line, desperate to get to the end.  And when I reached the finish line, I turned the corner and realized that I still had 5 miles to run...

The end would come.  But it was not yet.  

Sometimes, this thought can be more devastating than encouraging.  Sometimes, your body and your soul and your mind just want to get to the end, and you aren't sure if you have the strength to make it through to the finish line. You just don't know if you have what it takes.  Just ask me a few weeks ago, and I, too, didn't think I could.  

But here I am...am still running...

More than anything, I'm thankful that this race I'm running isn't about me, and the strength that I am running with has nothing to do with myself.  I'm thankful that when I am weak and my faith is imperfect, I can fix my eyes on the one who perfects my faith.  I'm thankful that the race has an end, it's not as short as I want it to be, and it's not as straight- but it's a race that was made just for me.  It was marked out for me.  It is mine.  For a reason.   Though I don't always know what that reason is, one thing I do know:

It refines me.  It stretches me.  It teaches me.  It perfects me.  

As much as I hate running...and trust me, I really despise it...I'm learning to be thankful in this race.  I'm learning to run the race marked out for me, and to fix my eyes on Jesus each and every step of the way.  

5 miles to go.  I'm running from fear, doubt, worry, and pain.  And instead, I'm running to Jesus. 

The finish line is in sight.  I'm hopeful that I'll push through and get there.  

May you, dear one, keep running, too. 

There are Two Kinds of People:

Colossians 3:23
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.  


I learn a lot from being a counselor.  I have the opportunity to observe and interact with all kinds of people from a very intimate perspective.  I see their problems and struggles in an up close and personal way.

This process has taught me a lot about people, myself included.  One of my most recent lessons is that there are two kinds of people functioning in society.    

Those who are reactive, and those who are proactive.  

It might sound like a simple concept, but I've found that people who are proactive have a tendency thrive and blossom in this world- though it may bring struggles and strife, while people who are reactive are at the mercy of the world around them.  Tossed to and fro by the waves of life.  Unable to stand on their own two feet.   

If you take some time to stop and think, you'll probably be amazed at how many things you do in life that are out of reaction. 

Action: The phone rings. 
Reaction: You answer it. 

Action:  Baby cries.
Reaction:  You feed the baby.

Action:  Spouse says something inconsiderate.
Reaction: Negative emotions lead to lashing out at them.

Action:  Weight gain.
Reaction: Time to exercise. 


Being reactive throughout our day is an inevitable process.  Lots of things happen in life that force us to move and act one way or the other. 

But what really sets people apart is the fact that some choose to lead their lives, while others choose to simply follow it.   

Proactive people don't wait for something to make them move, instead, they create their way.  They are the type of people who would never settle for less than what they know is best in their lives, no matter what life happens to throw at them.

Proactive people are the ones who would never be caught saying:

"It will happen if it's meant to happen"- because they would be out there doing it.
"He will break up with me if he's not the one"- instead would be finding out the dynamics of the relationship and doing the breaking up.
"No one calls me, and I'm feeling lonely"- rather, the phone would be in their hand making calls and setting up plans.
"The right job will land in my lap"- because they would be setting up interviews and passing our resumes.

God calls us to live this life, to lead this life, and to direct this life.  All throughout the Scriptures He uses proactive words like "go, do, pray, make, work, be". 

Not only that, but the greatest example of a proactive life is the life of precious Jesus, who took it upon Himself to step into history in order to change the future...rather than wait around to see what would happen.
 
The challenge I'm faced with is this:  we are in charge of directing our lives and responsible for where our lives go.  Let us see our lives as valuable enough that they are worth investing in.  Let us take charge of the things we can change, stepping into our worlds and changing our futures rather than let this world force us into places that we were never intended to go.

Let's choose to live this life proactively for a God who lives proactively for us.


  

3 Things Marriage Doesn't Do: In case All You Single Peeps Were Wondering

Genesis 2:18
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

I meet with young singles all the time in my counseling practice and get emails from all over the world from young adults looking for love.  They long to be married and have an insatiable desire inside of their heart to meet the significant other who they can finally call, "the one".

I remember being in that place not too long ago.    It's hard to imagine marriage accurately from the perspective of a single young adult.  Even with all the chaos modeled in modern day marriages all around us, somehow the idea of marriage still gets idolized beyond reasonable expectations.  Everyone believes that their marriage will be different, looking to Hollywood dreams and romance as their example. 

It's easy to fall into the lie that finding your spouse will be the ultimate road to happiness and great satisfaction.  That all problems, fears, and deficits will fade away in the presence of true love.    That may be true of God's love...but let me tell you, it sure ain't true in the world of love and marriage.

Don't get me wrong.  I love being married.  I believe I'm married to the greatest man alive (go figure!) but somehow, he still manages to disappoint sometimes.  And I certainly have the tendency to let him down (I know, shocking!).

For all the things that marriage has done to enhance my life and stretch my love, there are still some things that it will never be able to do.  Here's what I've discovered: 

1.  Marriage doesn't delete your insecurities:  I'm not sure why I ever thought it would.  For some reason, the idea of being loved unconditionally by another human being seemed like it would do the trick in helping me feel better about myself.  I thought that being married and seeing love through the eyes of another would really teach me how to love myself.  Wrong.  So very wrong.

I think that way of thinking has done more harm than good to many a marriage in our world.  No one has the power to deal with our inadequacies and insecurities but us.  Putting those insane expectations on a spouse will only cause harm, because there is a 100% chance that they can't really change how we view ourselves.

No matter how much encouragement, affection, affirmation, and validation I get from my husband...at the end of the day, true security comes when I choose to see myself through the eyes of my God, not through the eyes of my spouse (or anyone else for that matter).  Relying on your spouse to fill those insatiable needs is a recipe for disaster- because frankly, even my superman husband lacks the capability to offer me what I need for true value and self worth.  That can only come from within.  My security comes from my relationship with God, and then whatever praises and encouragement my husband gives to me is simply the overflow. 

2.  Marriage can't give you purpose: One thing that I had a hard time attending a Christian college, is glimpsing the attitude of women who were out to fulfill one mission in life: Finding a godly man.  Don't get me wrong, I personally was on the lookout....but there was something behind the drive of these young girls that really disturbed me.  Their sole purpose in life was to catch a man.  They even joked that they were there to get their "MRS." degree...

Something has gone terribly wrong when young Christians believe that their sole purpose in life is to find marital love.  First of all, this belief is dangerous in that it robs us of true joy and purpose in life...purpose that can never be taken away.  The bible encourages us to live this life for God's glory...to love Him and to love others, making a difference in the world by displaying this kind of love.  We are each made for a unique purpose and design far beyond the scope of marriage and relationships.  Though marriage can be an incredible gift, it is a means to the end, not the end itself.

When we see relationships as the end of the road of purpose, we find ourselves facing a wall of disappointment with no where left to go when we finally arrive.  Marriage may be the avenue in fulfilling our purpose, but it is not the final destination.  We need to seek God's purpose for our lives FAR beyond just finding a spouse, and allow His purpose to be the course that guides our lives and our direction.  Rather than asking what God can do for us, we need to look to Him in seeking what WE can do for HIM.  In this is true purpose.  And who knows, we might just run into a spouse a long the way...this one, I can personally vouch for. 

3.  Marriage won't make you whole:  I remember watching a Beth Moore video in which she used the analogy of a cup in assessing the heart of a Christian.  I love the analogy, because our emotional worlds are certainly like cups.  We either feel full, or empty throughout our lives.  One problem I see with young adults is that they live their lives half-full.  Not really knowing themselves, not really taking time to assess their needs, deal with their problems, habits, and hang ups....they seek out relationships in hopes that those relationships will fill them up and make them whole.  They bring their wounds to relationships for bandaging, not realizing that two broken and wounded people can be of no help to one another.

Marriage can be a source of motivation and encouragement, but it can never make you whole.  Your spouse cannot bring healing into your life and renewed thinking into your mind.  The road to healing must be seen as your own personal journey...one that you must walk alone.  You will never feel whole in the presence of your mate if you don't feel whole on your own.

God's design for marriage is to bring two whole people together, giving them double the strength to reach a lost and dying world.  Now mind you, I didn't say perfect....I said whole.  We are not expected to reach perfection before marriage, because that would make for a whole lot of single people here on earth.  But though we can't be perfect, we can reach for healing and choose to take control of the things that we can change in our lives.  God grants wholeness to those who are willing...

So before you jump into a relationship with insane expectations, consider where you are at as a single man or woman.  Consider how much you have allowed Jesus to bring security, purpose, and healing into your life.  Rather than seeing your spouse as the missing piece to your puzzle, the road to marriage should be seen as two people, figuring out the puzzle together.

It is  about finding a comrade, not ultimate contentment.  It is about finding a help mate, not a healer.     

Get your ideas straight now, while you are single...and give your future spouse the most beautiful gift of realistic expectations. 

He > i

John 3:30
He must become greater, I must become less. 

“Your world could grow infinitely bigger if you were only willing to become…appropriately small.” - John Ortberg

It’s amazing how things can sneak up on you.  It’s amazing how things that were originally supposed to be in the background, can so quickly take the forefront.  My husband and I were talking about that tonight and it got me thinking. 

You see, John and I are reaching a new stage in our lives.  In a few months we will most likely be making a huge move….a move to a city unknown.  It can be daunting at times, thinking of all the possibilities.  Tomorrow is a big day, and John is interviewing for a position coveted by thousands of students all over the country.   These interviews may very well be the determining factors of where the next few years of our lives will be spent, and in turn, set the course for our future.  Just the thought of that can be mind boggling.  So many questions could occupy our minds: What if we make the wrong choice?  What if we don‘t get in?  What if we make a bad decision? 

Sadly, little by little, the word WE starts sneaking into the forefront, and HE (God), slowly takes a seat in the back.  Somehow, we get to the point where we have it all backwards.  Somehow, we start believing the lie that this life is really all about us…our lives…our futures…our hopes and dreams…

And then reality hits.  God decides to save us from our small, ignorant and narrow paradigms.  With moments like we experienced tonight.  Life changing questions begin to set in.  God begins to take his rightful place at the front and center of our lives asking:

• What if this interview is not meant to determine our future- but rather, set the stage for God‘s plans?
• What if the only reason you are here today is to reach out to someone in this place?
• What if this is not about you at all, but about bringing me glory?
• What if your whole life’s “occupation“, had one purpose and one purpose alone- to spread God’s love to a blind and hopeless world?
• What if all your hopes and dreams were meant only as a backdrop to my real plans?
• What if God is guiding us through things that are far bigger than ourselves?

Some of these questions are mine to take ownership of, but I know- some of these questions are for you, too.  You, like us, may have allowed things in this life: your future, your unexpected illness, your difficult job, stressful schooling, annoying coworkers, relationships, hopes and dreams, family, ministry, and scariest of all- your self….to take the center stage.  The shift may have been so subtle, that you never noticed it.  It may have been so innocent that no one around you would have even noticed.  Do me a favor, ask yourself this:

What am I preoccupied with throughout the day?  The answer may be painful, but it will be revealing.  Revealing of the true conditions of our hearts.  The true center of our stage.  The truth of who is being made greater and who is being made less. 

May we all take a hard look at our lives, asking God to align our priorities with His.  Asking Him to become infinitely greater, and we to become significantly less.