My New Blog: www.truelovedates.com

As some of you may have noticed, my posts over the last year have evolved from devotionals into articles about love, marriage, dating and relationships in general.  This has always been a passion of mine and I am so thankful that I  have been blessed with the incredibly opportunity to publish a book with Zondervan publishing company, writing about the things I love.  

My new book, True Love Dates, is a unique book about dating and relationships- challenging young singles to pursue relationships in a psychologically sound and spiritually healthy way.  It's written from a counselor's perspective and offers sound advice based on my experience as a professional counselor, my personal love story, and hundreds of real-life examples from couples all across the world.

In preparation to release this book in October, I wanted to let you, my readers, know that I am going to be committing my full energy to blogging and writing at my new website- www.truelovedates.com

God has been nudging me in this direction for quite sometime now regarding the things I write about, and it's time I make the full plunge.  I appreciate how far you have come with through this humble little blog, and I have been so encouraged by your emails, messages, and questions that you have sent my way.  Thank you for keeping me going!

I would love all of you who have been blessed by my writing to join me in sharing the message that relationships can be done right...and that God has a way that is so, so good.  

Please visit www.truelovedates.com, subscribe, tweet, Facebook, like and share- and become a part of a community that is challenging this generation to adapt healthy lifestyles and in turn, healthy relationships.  Here's to an exciting journey ahead!

Dear Single: Don't Settle!

 

My husband and I were out for our Valentine's day date a couple weeks ago.  We were starving- and lucky for us we had planned to eat at our favorite Seafood Grille.  We got a sitter, got all dressed up, and headed over to our destination- ready to have a night to ourselves, enjoy each others company...and frankly, ready to pig out.

Upon arriving we got some unfortunate news- there was a 2 hour wait.  Two hours??  It was worth the wait, we both determined, and took a seat on the only open bench in the place.  An hour later,  we were getting desperately hungry.  We happened to notice the restaurant next door was seating guests instantly.  We looked at each other...both thinking about bailing out and hitting up the joint next door...but neither of us dared say it out loud.  30 minutes later...our growling stomachs could wait no more.  In our fancy clothes, we waltzed our way across the street and settled for the food we could see, touch, and taste here and now. Though our taste buds didn't get the thrill of their life- sometimes, it's perfectly alright to settle.

But there are also times when settling can bring major pain, disappointment, and long-term consequences. 

I get emails and questions almost everyday from young men and women who are thinking about settling.  Not for a restaurant, a job, or a car...but settling in a relationship.  Young men and women who are wondering if it's possible to meet their ideal mate, wondering if that ideal mate actually exists. 

Maybe they've waited and waited to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with- and they've determined to wait no more.  Or maybe they've invested so much time and energy into an "okay" relationship that they can't even imagine the prospect of starting all over again in search for the right relationship. 

So, is it okay to settle?

I struggled with that question for many years of my life.  I remember one particular day, sitting on my bed in my college dorm room, tears streaming down my face, with a crumpled piece of paper in my hand.  Almost 4 years before that day I had written a list of the things I would never settle for in a relationship. Here I was years later, looking down at my list- realizing that I was settling for the second year in a row, in a relationship that I knew in my heart was not what I truly desired.  I struggled to believe that God could really provide for all the things He had placed on my heart 4 years ago.  I struggled at the thought of starting all over again.  What if this is as good as it gets? 

I am so thankful that God gave me the wisdom and the courage to finally say no to the  relationship I found myself in, and moved me forward toward what was best for my life.  I had to get over the fears that had taken root in my heart- fear of failure, of confessing my mistakes, and of feeling once again alone.

But God used that time in my life as an opportunity to rely on Him, and trust Him with my future more than I ever thought imaginable.  He changed me and loved on me- reminding me that I was worth so much more than my relationship status.  Fast forward 10 years- now that I am married to the man of my dreams, I look back with regret that I spent so much time afraid to really trust God, wasting time in a relationship that was just "okay".  I wasted my time, and I wasted his- ultimately because I failed to trust God.  Ultimately, because I settled.

No matter where you are at on your journey of finding true love, remember this one thing: God is able to do more than you could ever ask or imagine in your life and in your relationships.  God created marriage to be seen as a blessing and a gift, not as an obligation...it is to be pursued with confidence, not with fear.  Because whatever you experience through dating, will be exponentially magnified through marriage.  If you are having doubts maybe it's time to take a look at your list and determine what you will never settle for.  Have a talk with God, and then make a list of the majors in your life that are most important to you.

Remember, there is a difference between majors and minors, read this post on Majors and Minors to know the difference.  But at the end of the day, seek to pursue a 10 out of 10 when it comes to the things that really matter.  It may sound obvious, but marriage is for a lifetime...so marry someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with. 

It's time to trust your gut, and trust your heart, but most importantly....trust your God. 

No matter what anyone says...Don't settle for anything less. 

Marry More Than a Lover:

Genesis 2:18
I will make a helper suitable for him...

I used to believe that true love was all about the romance.  I remember the late nights coming home after a date and exclaiming to my roommates: "He paid for dinner, he opened the car door, and he even gave me his jacket when I was cold!"  Its funny how fixated I was on things that...15 years later...have very little meaning in my actual life and marriage.

Don't get me wrong, I think there's a really important place for romance and chivalry.  I love when my husband opens the car door for me or brings me flowers home spontaneously.  But it's important to remember that romance is not what creates a healthy marriage, rather, it is simply the overflow of a healthy marriage. 

In marriage, you are marrying far more than a lover.  You are marrying a coworker, a teammate, and a friend.  God knew this when he told Adam that he was going to make a helper suitable for him.  He could have used so many other words to describe Eve.  He could have called her a lover, a trophy wife, or a beauty queen.  I'm sure for Adam, there was nothing more attractive then when he laid his eyes on Eve.  But in God's mind, Eve's role went far beyond the role of a lover...

A healthy marriage is so much more than romance....

Don't give in to the culture of Hollywood that fills your brain with the lies that love is this explosive chemical reaction between two people.  Real love is so much more than that.  A love that lasts a lifetime is built on the give and take between two people every day for as long as they live.

Yes, it involves flowers, and chocolates, and romance...but it's made up of so much more.  Far deeper than the fleeting pleasures of passion, is the unconditional love of sacrifice:

I look at my life and the things that speak love to me are not just found in the ribbons and roses but in the role my husband has as my helper, my friend, and my partner.  Real love is shown through the everyday actions that we exchange in our real everyday lives. In talking about this concept just the other day, my husband and I each made a list of what real love looked like to us in just the past few weeks: 


My List:
Cleaning up the dishes and scrubbing the pots and pans after dinner (God knows how much I hate those pots and pans).
Taking a break from studying just to sit and chat with me about the day.
Taking out the trash.  
Cleaning the ice off my car in crazy cold weather.
Watching the kids just so I could take a nap.
Keeping me laughing with his jokes no matter what's going on around us. 
Taking an interest in all the details of my life- from what I had for lunch to my latest article.   

His List:  
Getting up in the middle of the night with a crying baby.
Having dinner ready- my wife's an awesome cook!
Encouraging me when I feel down or discouraged.
Baking me five dozen cookies when I had to bring them in for work- forgot to mention, I gave her one day's notice!
Dropping by to visit me for lunch. 
Taking an active role in things I'm not good at (documenting the kids lives via pictures, responding to emails and phonecalls, buying gifts and sending thankyou cards, etc.)

Don't let the fog of romance cloud your perspective.

Marry a lover- but marry so much more than that.  Marry a coworker, a teammate, a partner, a helper and a friend.  

**If you're married, please share a comment with our readers: What has true love looked like for you this week?
**If you're single, what are your thoughts on this idea?

When Good People are Stuck in Bad Relationships:

1 Corinthians 15:33
Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”

As a therapist, I've been hearing about a lot of bad relationships lately.  Christian friends, family members, and even clients opening up and sharing about their struggles, weaknesses, and straight-up dysfunction in the area of boy + girl.

To say I'm surprised by these things would be an overstatement, because I'm really not.  Turn on any TV station and you'll tune into some divorce, break up, or relationship tragedy that's occurring in the world around us.  Listen in on any gossip at the office and you'll hear about heart-break, lying, cheating, and manipulation.  Sometimes, relationships can be really toxic.  But what's more surprising to me is not the occurrence of these relationships- but how little Christians talk about them.  

Toxic relationships exist all over the world, and guess what, they exist in Christian relationships as well.  Christian people are flawed, sinful, and broken human beings just as much as the other guys.  Take that combination into any relationship and you're bound to find a toxic concoction at somewhere at some point.  So what is keeping us from bringing it to the light?  Why are we so silent?

Scripture says that whatever is in darkness will be healed as it comes into the light.  It's time to break the silence about dysfunctional relationships by starting to have these conversations, by starting to be real.  Christian, it's time to take inventory of the relationship you are in- whether dating or married- and ask yourself if it's good, honoring, and uplifting.  We are called to be actively engaged in relationships in which we are giving and exchanging that kind of hope to one another.  In which we are spreading God's love like it's a contagious disease.  But toxic relationships look nothing like that.  

They rob you of your joy, take away your hope, and cause you to believe that's all your worth.  

You might be in a toxic relationship if you commonly feel the sting of manipulation, jealousy, envy and rage.  God calls us into relationships that are full of patience and love. 

Maybe you're feeling controlled- unable to say what you want, do what you want, or believe what you want. God's love brings us into hope and freedom.  

Maybe the toxicity of addictions, drugs and alcohol are seeping into your relationship and in turn are destroying your life.  God wants to help break away from these chains and give you the power to live freely. 
 
What if you keep getting led into dark places- places of lust and seduction that leave you feeling guilt and shame.  God wants to shine His light upon your life, and forgive you in the best way He knows how- completely.  

Maybe you're being beat down verbally- ripped of your dignity and self-worth.  God wants you to know that you are His beloved- worth far more than precious rubies and more valuable than the finest of pearls. 

You may be feeling the sting of abuse- the infliction of physical pain that breaks your spirit even more than it breaks your body.  God has felt the sting of physical abuse in order to free you from your own...His stripes and wounds are a sign that you deserve to forever be free of yours.** 

If you're married, seek pastoral and professional help immediately...begin the restoration process even if that means doing it alone.   

If you're dating, it's time to believe that you were made for so much more than this.  It's time to break free and allow God to bring you healing and restore your hope-  How to Get out of a Toxic Relationship.

It's time to get real, to get honest, and to get help**. It's time to stop waiting for the change, and begin making the change yourself.  It's time to step out of the grip of the past, and into something new.  It's time to acknowledge these dark places and bring them into the light of His healing.  

**For more assistance in breaking free of toxic relationships, go to www.aacc.net (American Association of Christian Counselors) to find some professional help in your area. 

Loves Me, or Loves Me Not?

1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

After one of my relationship talks I was approached by a beautiful young woman.  She wanted to share her story and seek out some advice about a dating situation she found herself in.

She had met this great guy through their church's young adult group.  He was handsome, funny, and had lots of charisma.  He was one of those guys that was just so easy to like.  They started spending more and more time together and began forming what seemed to be a dating relationship.  They would call each other, text each other, and even get together outside of church for coffee or dinner.  Fast forward two months later...

....something happened.  Out of nowhere, and all of a sudden, he seemed to back off, cold turkey.  No warning signs, no explanation, no heart to heart discussion.  She continued to try to call and text him, but it seemed that he wasn't reciprocating.  She continues to try, to pursue, and to try to reconnect.  She wonders maybe if he is just too busy?  Forgetful?  Scared?  But either way, her heart is stuck on him, and she needs direction. 

What should she do?

When I hear stories like this I have to simultaneous reactions that go off inside of me.  First, I feel empathy.  I look at this beautiful girl, with so much to give, and I look into her sad eyes and feel her pain, her hurt, and her rejection.  She wants to love and be loved so badly.  She wants to make it happen in her life.  She is just waiting to find that one to call her own.  I get that. I've been there.  It's hard when you're in the mess of dating to see beyond the pain of the moment. 

So first and foremost, I feel empathy (let's not forget that...).  Because secondly, I cringe!!! I just want to grab her shoulders and shake some sense into her!  I want her to see how she is making herself look from the outside looking in.  I want her to realize that she is trying so hard to keep something alive that would otherwise die if it was left alone.  I want her to come to the conclusion that simply said, he loves her NOT.  Because real love looks so, so different than that.  

I meet young men and women all the time that portray themselves as desperate by the way they act and react.  Trying so hard to find love.  Trying to hard to make it happen.  Finding excuse after excuse to keep going back to a relationship that does not reflect love in any way shape or form.  One-sided, non -reciprocated, hard-to-get relationships.  Let me just say it clearly- these kind of relationships are SO NOT WORTH THE INVESTMENT!

All over the scriptures God talks about reciprocal relationships.  Healthy relationships with two individuals that edify and build each other up.  There are always TWO people involved in the process.  Two people that are interacting, engaging, giving.  Two people that are encouraging, investing, and supporting one another.  This is how the body of Christ is supposed to look, and even more specifically speaking- this is how a marriage is supposed to look.  "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ..."

Dating relationships, should also be reciprocal.  Two people involved. Two people invested.  Two people pursuing and being pursed.  Two people committing, caring, and communicating.  Two people who are putting in the same amount, and receiving even more...

Why do we allow ourselves to settle for less?  Why do we find ourselves in relationships in which we are doing all the work to keep it alive?  It's time to put in the hard work, but then to trust that we are also worth being worked hard for.  We deserve to be loved just as we are giving love, and in romantic relationships, this is how God intended it to be.  Two people, building, edifying, encouraging, and investing in one another. 

Wait for that, because anything less is truly...not worth the wait.  Nor will it ever be. 

4 Ways to Radically Change your Relationships in 2013:

Luke 10:27
"He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’^[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

I've noticed something pretty disconcerting.  I'm not as focused as I used to be on the things that matter most.

Surrounded by cell phones, technology, noise, and social media- sometimes it's easier to get distracted by what's going on "out there" rather than to stay focused on the here and now.  In a culture that seems so wrapped up in self-gratification and promotion, it's been easy to place my focus on myself and totally forget about my neighbor, my friends, my family.  The people that mean the most to me.    

I'm challenged as I enter into this new year, to get my focus back on where it belongs- loving God and loving others. There's nothing on earth more meaningful than that. I think I've begun to lose sight of that goal somewhere along the way.  I've been contemplating of how to bring back my focus.  Not just to hope for it, but to actually do it.  It's time for a change in my relational world.  Here are some ways I hope to get my heart back on track:

1.  Talk Less, Listen more:  I don't know about you, but I've found myself at times falling into the trap of the "Facebook mentality".  What I mean by that is an attitude that is all about self-promotion.  Putting yourself on display for all to see.  I've found that attitude slowly seeping into my relationship.  The symptoms are subtle, but they are dangerous.  It's an attitude that seeks to talk more than it seeks to listen, that longs to be known more than it longs to know.  This has been the downfall of some of my relationships this year, and I want to be deliberate about changing that.  I want to learn to be a person that talks less, and listens more.  A person that is interested in the people around me, more than interested in their interest in me.  I want to be "others-focused", and I believe that starts with letting them take the spotlight.   

2.  Ask more Questions:  I have a friend who asks a lot of questions.  I mean, tons.  When she connects with someone, she wants to know everything about them, what they've been up to, and what they are passionate about.  Talking to her almost feels like being interviewed on Oprah.  Now, though I think that can be a little much at times, I think she is really onto something.  Her heart is in the right place because it is others-focused.  She wants to ask questions because she wants to know people.  I want to do that to.  I want to make others feel important, and do my part in getting to know them.  I want to ask more questions this year, and be sure to hear the answers.   

3.  Offer encouragement:  I must admit, this is one that I really want to get better at.  It's not natural for me to offer encouragement, because it's not something that I grew up with consistently.  Our family was one that spoke through actions, not necessarily with words.  But you know, words are so important, and they are an important part of loving and being loved.  They nourish, strengthen, and grow relationships faster than many other things can.  Encouragement takes you out of self-centeredness and into a life that is fixed on others.  Find something valuable in someone, and then tell them about it.  God promises that those who seek to bless others will find that they are the ones who are ultimately blessed. 

4.  Stay in the moment:  I got an email from a young women who was telling me about a gathering she had experienced at which every single person was occupied by their phones.  Texting, tweeting, googling and instagram-ing...there was always something to check, someone to update, or some information to find out.  It's hard to live in the moment in a society that is calling us out of the moment.  In a culture that has created for us a "matrix-like" world, filled with false connection, false intimacy, and false pride.  In a world where we gain power by a click of a button.  But in exchange for this false sense of control, glory, and value...we are missing the present.  We are missing the moment.  We are distracted by things that have not earned our attention, while surrounded by people who are deserving of our it. Our families, our spouses, our children, our friends.  Our neighbors, our communities, and even the strangers that may come our way.  Sacred moments...have become secondary.  It's time to take these moments back.  It's time to enjoy them, savor them, and experience them.  It's time to live in the moment. 

A new year brings new opportunities.  New chances to connect, to love, and to focus.  New moments to learn how to live fully, and love practically. 

Here's to 2013.  May it be the best year our relationships have ever seen! 

What Love really means:

[Love] is not self-seeking...

"Have you ever said, 'I love oranges?' Exactly what do you mean by that?  You are actually saying oranges do something for me.  But after you have squeezed everything you like out of the orange you will throw away the peelings... Biblical love is not getting all you can from another person but giving all you can."

I read this quote today, reminding me of the true meaning of love.

Real love is a love that gives.  Selfish love is one that takes.

Take some time to really consider your relationships and your understanding of love.

What do you do when you reach a point in which you are no longer receiving?  No longer feeling?  No longer enjoying?  What happens then?

Since when has our definition of love shifted from the biblical act of giving to the selfish act of receiving?  Since when are we focused on getting instead of offering?  Taking instead of sacrificing?

Lets learn to truly love.

Should relationships be this complicated?

Romans 12:16
Live in harmony with one another.

What is up with dating being so complicated these days? I understand that we are complex human beings by design...but was it ever supposed to come to this?

I receive hundreds of emails from young men and women who have read my articles and posts...and who all have one thing in common- they are looking for love.  While I love hearing from people and helping in any way that I can, I find myself amazed by the complications and baggage that are often associated with dating relationships.

As an outsider looking in- after reading a 10 page email or hearing a story filled with break ups, lack of boundaries, hurt, pain, and confusion...it's easy to see that things are not as they should be.  Relationships are hard work, but they should never be damaging, confusing, or wounding.  They should never emit constant conflict, chaos, and catastrophe. 

Right relationships were meant to be healing, to bring hope...and to embody harmony. 

But sometimes it's harder to see these things from the inside looking out. 

You see, Jesus calls us to live in harmony with one another.  It's easy to consider harmony as we interact and relate to the world around us, but why do so many people fail to see the need for harmony in their own personal relationships?  If we are called to harmony with the world, how much more to the intimate relationships that we're involved in.

Take a look at your dating life and ask yourself what it reflects.  Does it reflect chaos, or harmony?  Joy, or pain?  Growth or paralysis? 

If you answered the latter, maybe its' time to consider a change.

Because Dating was never meant to be so complicated...and if it's complicated now...it will be complicated unhappily, ever after...

The only way to Love better...

 [August 2006: Philadelphia, PA. Shortly after my arrival back from Egypt, and one month before we would be officially engaged!]

June 9th, 2006

Exactly one year before John and I were to be married. 

But believe it not, though we felt the closest we'd ever felt to one another emotionally, geographically- we were thousands of miles away.

Instead of spending my summer with my boyfriend...I was on a mission trip in Egypt that summer; following through with a commitment I had made to Jesus long before we had ever met.  A commitment to love God more, to serve the poor and needy, and to do my earthly best to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  John was taking a course, studying 18 hours a day intensively for what he thought may be his only chance at entering med school and fulfilling God's calling on his life to become a doctor.  His one chance at literally being able to make "the blind see".    

There is no doubt about it, June 9th, 2006 found us both in a really good place.  A place of obedience.  A place of focus.  A place of faith.   

A place where more than ever before our hearts were hidden in the heart of Jesus.  Reading through my journals today was such an incredible reminder to me of the reason why John and I are so in love:

Our love has always been founded in Something Greater than ourselves. 

That day I wrote:

"God is stretching is both...reminding us that we are working primarily for our union with Adonai...all else will follow, and must only follow...

Lord, Thy will be done."

It's easy to forget the glue that binds us together.  In fact, looking back at the times we have struggled most in our marriage the root of the problem always leads to our forgetfulness.  

Forgetfulness- forgetting that God is the Source.  That from Him, by Him, and to Him come all things.  Forgetfulness that in Him do all things hold together. 

When we forget...when we wander...we become self-absorbed...we become self-focused...we stray from the source of True Love, and our marriage is so subtly pulled apart.

I'm reminded of this truth today, because with the hustle and bustle of life I feel that I am personally starting to go down the path of forgetfulness.  These days, I have not acknowledged the Love of my Life and given Him his rightful place in my heart.  I have failed to run to Him to fill me up with more love, more grace, and more forgiveness.  I've been distracted by the things He has "called me to" and failed to remember that more than all of these things:

I am called to Him.

This is where it all began.  This is where it all must remain. 

My life has never been more satisfying, through singleness, through dating, or through marriage- as when I find that I am most satisfied in Him, most intimate with the Lord of my life.  To be in God's presence is to be forced into the overflow of all that is good...and in turn, be able to emit those very good things to the world around us. 

Maybe I have been trying to do too much by myself.  Maybe I have been trying to love on my own...

It's time to remember what holds all things together.  It's time to recall what binds my heart, mind, and heart in steadfastness.  It's time to remember my FIRST love...because therein lies the only answer to be able love at all.

"When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest t all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed bu increased."--C.S. Lewis

Does the Church embrace singleness?

1 Corinthians 7:32
I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 

Does the Church embrace singleness?  I threw that question out there this morning on my True Love Dates Facebook page.  

It was interesting to read the thoughts and responses from young men and women, but one woman's comment caught my attention:

"It is almost as if it is okay to be a single man but they [the Church] are not quite sure what to do about a single woman.  Many times they feel sorry for her or pray for God to bring the right man. There seems to be a definite double standard." 

This statement really caught my eye because I find myself agreeing with her.  Remembering the days of singleness and the Christian culture that I was surrounded by, there seemed to be some sort of a double standard- where women felt less for being single, while men continued on peacefully with their bachelor lives.

I was thinking about this today, and why this seems to be the truth.  Although it's easy to blame the Church for everything, I believe the problem has a lot less to do with the Church, and a whole lot more to do with us...single young women, desperate to love and be loved.  

You see, I wonder if the church does not determine the value that is put on us- but rather, reflects the value that we put on ourselves.  

Looking back, I wonder if the church does not "embrace" singleness because we have a hard time embracing it ourselves.  As a single woman, I remember struggling so much with the idea of being single, as though it were a trial to get through, a temptation in which I had to persevere. 
  
It took me so long to embrace, enjoy singleness myself. 

As women, I think we all struggle with the same things.  The longing to be valued, loved, and embraced by another human being.  The longing to be walking with someone alongside, someone to witness our lives, in order to somehow make our lives matter.  

As Christian women, I think sometimes we devalue ourselves when we are single and alone.  I think we forget that our value is not attached to our relationship status, but rather to the God who has made His home inside of our hearts.  Our evaluation of self has the tendency to rub off onto the people around us.  

We teach people how to treat us by the way that we treat ourselves.  We teach people how to value us, by the way that we value ourselves.  At the root of the Church embracing singleness, is a long line of individual men and women, struggling to embrace singleness themselves. 

As a married woman now, I look back and I see the mistakes I made as a single woman- longing to be loved, valued, and embraced.  And the truth of the matter is- even in marriage...the struggles with value and self-worth have not gone away.  They still haunt me day by day and the unconditional love of a husband was not the cure that I thought it would be.  The truth of the matter is, the only solution I have found is nestled deeply in the heart of Something more.  Someone more. 


We will not embrace singleness as a culture, and as women at large, until we have truly learned to embrace our God-created, God-restored, God-loved, God-valued selves.  We will not embrace singleness as a culture, until we have learned to be at peace with who are are, standing alone.  And maybe, just maybe, even then we will never truly embrace our "singleness" because that's not the core of what we were meant to embrace. Rather than defining ourselves by the broad brush stroke of a relationship status, maybe our definitions need to run a little bit deeper.  A little bit truer.   A little bit more in line with the God of relationships, who calls us to rest only in Him. 

May we, as women, seek to create a culture in which we teach the world around us to treat us like we deserve to be treated.  Valued, loved, honored and respected.  Single, or not.  We are daughters of a King.  Let's live that way. 

Are you in love, or just in need?

1 John 4:18
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..."

I was having a conversation today about the stark difference of being in love and being in need.  When you really get down to the roots of each kind of love, they are unmistakably polar opposites, although from the outside in they may appear the same. 

There are many who believe that they have fallen in love, only to realize that this love is purely based on need.  A need to be wanted, to be valued, to be affirmed.  A need to be taken care of, to be nurtured, to be safe.  Need-love drives you toward another out of your disparity.  It binds you together by its codependency and unites you in its fear.  It takes two empty people, and fools them into thinking that they can fill one another up.  But in the end, fulfillment never comes.  In the end, their desperate needs cause them to feel more and more depleted.  In the end, their needs grow even greater in the shadow of a false and dying love.   

True love is never based on need, it is birthed out of covenant.  It is founded in commitment.  It's a love that speaks permanence and unconditional positive regard because it's a love that is based on choice.  It loves even when it doesn't feel like loving, and gives until it can give no more.  It loves the one before it because of who they are, yet continues to love because of who it is.  It is an unrelenting, passionate, fierce and growing love that simply loves for the sake of loving...a love that loves to love, rather than a love that loves to be loved. 

It is a love that offers something not a love that only takes. 

It is a love that wants nothing from the other but the opportunity to love them better.

True love is a reflection of a God who truly loved...completely, wholly, perfectly.

But it is a love that can be found here on earth, in glimpses, in moments...moments of sheer bliss, utter selflessness.  It is a love that reminds us of the Source of our perfect love.  And points us back to Him for more.  The Perfect love that casts out all fears, all doubts, and all needs. 

Because only in Him can our needs be met...and only then, are we free to truly love...

Lord, help me to love in this way...

Vote for Your Favorite Subtitle and Chance to Win!

As November passes by we are one month closer to the release of my book, True Love Dates (Zondervan, August 2013)!!

I'm excited to announce some of the subtitle ideas we've been brainstorming with the team at Zondervan, and would ask that you please take a moment to comment and place your vote!

All who vote will be entered to win one of the classic dating books by Dr. Townsend and Cloud called "Boundaries in Dating" (or if you're married, my all time favorite marriage book "The Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas). 

The top three subtitles (in no specific order) are:

1.  True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life
2.  True Love Dates: Three Dates to Finding the Love of Your Life
3.  True Love Dates:  Finding True Love Within the Chaos of Dating

How to win:
1.  Cast Your Vote by commenting in this post! - (Name gets put in the drawing 1x)
2.  Refer a friend to vote and have them put your name in the comment box (Each friend that votes  = Additional opportunities to have your name drawn- no limits!)

Thanks for your help and I'm excited to share these great books with you!!

Can Jesus take the place of a girlfriend...err, boyfriend?

Genesis 2:18
It is not good for man to be alone...

"Jesus is your boyfriend now..."

I was watching a funny you tube video by this comedian who talks about stuff Christian singles hear.  It's full of phrases that most Christian singles have heard at some point in their lives.  Lines about waiting on God, happening when you least expect it, and viewing Jesus as your significant other...

Things people actually say.  Things Christian people actually say.  

But, I wonder, for all the struggling singles out there- are those phrases really helpful?  I mean, is it even possible for Jesus to take the place of your significant other, for Him to be your make believe boyfriend in times of loneliness and isolation?

For some people, those phrases are.  For some people, they can look past the simplicity of those phrases and make a place for Jesus in their hearts as their companion, friend, and significant other.  But I know for me as a single woman...that was hardly the case.

I used to feel this terrible guilt when I was single.  I felt guilty for longing for a husband.  Guilty that Jesus wasn't filling the voids and deficits in my heart.  Guilty that Jesus was not "enough" for me, because deep down I longed to be in a relationship, to find true love, and to hurry up and get married!  As much as I was in relationship with Jesus, and as much as I loved Him with all of my heart...there still seemed to be room for someone else.  A place in my heart that had not yet been filled.  Jesus was my Savior, My Redeemer, and My Love...but I was never really able to make him my boyfriend.

I think as Christians we are too hard on ourselves.  I think we place expectations on our shoulders that are not only unrealistic...they are un-human.  For the single man and woman out there, take heart...even God is on your side with this one!  The truth of the matter is that God himself saw that it was not good for us to be alone.  He creatively fashioned for Adam a wife...and that ancient design to be connected with another human being is something that was placed in your lineage from the very beginning of time. 

If you long for that connection, that relationship, that intimacy with another human being, take heart...you were made to have that longing!  It doesn't mean that you are unholy, or that Jesus has not filled your heart the way He should...rather, it means you are human, created in God's image.  A God who loves, who connects, who longs for relationship. 

Jesus can never be your boyfriend/girlfriend, because He was never intended to.  There is a significant part of your heart that was designed specifically for JUST Him....but there is a part of your heart, that was also designed specifically for others. 

He can never be your boyfriend/girlfriend, because He was intended to be so much more than that.  He was intended to be your Master, Your Savior, and your Healer.  He was intended to be your Counselor, Your Peace, and the Love of your life.  He longs for you to be in relationship with Him, but He has made you to also be in relationship with others.  Because He knows how you function, and He knows what's good for you. 

If He is God, then He can really be trusted with your heart, with your future, and with your relationships.  Jesus may never become your significant other, but He can become your significance, your serenity, and your satisfaction.  Trust Him for this. 

My Evening with a Homeless Man:

Matthew 25:40
Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.

We were walking the streets of D.C. early this week, surrounded by shops, restaurants, and of course...homeless people.  As we walked by this one particularly busy area on a Sunday evening we noticed 3 homeless men, fighting for a spot on the street.

A fourth man walked by, shaking his head in disdain. He looked to us and said "three homeless men, fighting for a spot on a street they don't even own!  How silly is that?"  To be honest, he looked a little homeless himself.  Dressed in sandals on a cold windy day, and somewhat unkempt hair and clothing.  We smiled at him, and the situation in general, and continued walking. 

Three blocks later, this middle-aged man in sandals was still walking by us- only a few feet away.  

And then came that feeling.  You know, that little voice inside of you that grows louder and louder.  The echo of the Holy Spirit, whispering your name, telling you what He wants you to do.  

"Talk to him," the internal voice said.  "Invite him to grab a bite to eat".  

Really, God?  It's 8:30pm on a Sunday night, in the middle of D.C.  Really, God?  We have our two kids with us, only 25 months and 5 months old...do you really want us to take the time to buy this man a sandwich?  But, it's freezing out!  And our warm hotel is only a block away...

The voice persisted.  God softened my heart with each step and filled me with compassion.  Turning to my husband, we both looked each other in the eyes and knew what we should do. 

"Sir, you don't happen to be homeless do you?"
With a chuckle "Why yes, yes I am..." he said.
"Well, can we buy you something to eat?"

And with that began our conversation with Charles.  A sweet man who had lived through great obstacles and struggles, yet was full of life, wisdom, and strength. We passed our hotel and walked  few more blocks with Charles.  It was a really blessed evening, filled with good conversation, a chance to pray for him, encourage him, learn from him, and get to know him.  A chance for him to get to know us, to hear about our children, and to feel connected in this lonely world once again.  A chance for him to hear about Jesus in our lives, and what He could do in His.  A chance to be the voice, the hands, and the feet of Jesus...even in the freezing cold streets of D.C.  

We were blessed by Charles, and I hope he was blessed by us.  More so, I hope our children, even at such young ages, will learn to live a life that is more in tune with Jesus in their hearts than any other voice in this world.  That they would learn to love, to serve, and to give back all that they have been given. 

Lord, give us the strength to teach them that in how we live our lives. 



 

Why There's No Such Thing as Casual Dating:

Matthew 5:37

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'..."

They'd been dating for about 4 months.  Everything seemed to be going great.  They got a long really well, had similar interests and goals, shared beliefs and values, and simply had a lot of fun together.  But all of a sudden one day, she seemed to back off.  Just like that.  No warning.  No communication.  No answers.  A few weeks later they reconnected, and this is what she said:

"I'm just not ready to commit to this level of dating.  Can we just keep it casual?"

The fallacy of "casual dating" strikes again.  I cringe whenever I hear this phrase.  Though many people use the term in an attempt to maintain space, push off commitment, and implement some distance- in my humble opinion, what it really means is this: I'm just not sure if you're right for me. 

In this day and age, we have a tendency to complicate dating.  I love this verse because it reminds us that simplicity is so important when it comes to our communication with others- including others of the opposite sex.  Let your yes be yes, and your no be no.  If we seriously applied this rule to dating, the "maybe" of casual dating would vanish instantly within the certainty of yes, or no...

Here are a few points to think through if you are stuck at the dead end of casual dating:

1.  Are you past the point of casual?  There is a time and place for casual.  That time is called the stage of the firsts.  First time meeting.  First conversations.  First dates.  In the early stages of dating it should always be casual.  No thinking ahead, no commitments, and definitely no promises.  It's a time of knowing and becoming known.  It's a time of testing interactions, communication, and attraction between two people.  The first few months of dating can be considered casual, because the direction up ahead is still unclear.  But what makes a relationship turn from casual into committed?  The answer is always time.

Within a few months, the very nature of a relationship turns from casual into committed.  The time that you spend together, the conversations you exchange, and the affection you begin to develop can no longer be considered casual.  Once you have entered this stage of a relationship, there should be no going backward.  The future is either a YES, or a NO.  Time should always eliminate maybes, and if it hasn't- then the maybe is actually a NO.

2.  Consider what it is about casual that makes you comfortable:  If you are the one that is longing for casual, you need to ask yourself why.  Either the problem lives within you, or within the relationship.  For some, the baggage of their past brings fears of future, commitment, and permanency.  For others, the relationship itself is not all that they had thought it would be.  They see flaws within the relationship and they're filled with doubts, fears, and worries about the future. 

Rather than helping you make a decision, casual dating keeps you stuck in confusion longer than you were ever intended to stay.  It paralyzes you from making a choice, and keeps you stagnant in mediocre rather than moving forward toward fulfillment.  If you are comfortable in a casual relationship, you need to really consider what it is that is keeping you from moving forward, and be quick to deal with whatever that thing is.

3.  Realize the cost of casual:  For those who are living within the comfort of a casual relationship, there is always a cost.  Relationships are meant to be exciting, fulfilling, and healthy.  They are made to grow, to stretch, and to mature.  They are meant to deepen in intimacy, connection, and in love.  If you are at a stand-still within the world of casual, you have to really ask yourself what you are missing out on.  There is always a cost.  Casual will always take the place of passionate.  Casualty will always win over certainty.

Maybe by holding on to casual you are keeping yourself from a relationship that could offer you so much more.  Maybe by waiting for things to magically change, you are missing out on the change that could be taking place inside of you.  Maybe by clinging to complacency in a relationship, you are saying yes to casual and no to finding true love.

The one thing to remember about relationships is that they are not as complicated as we make them.  Healthy relationships are natural.  Healthy relationships are comfortable.  Healthy relationships progress every so easily, deepen ever so quickly, and develop ever so passionately.  There is no room for the "maybe" of casual when it comes to finding true love, because true love is certain.  Let your yes be yes, and your no be no.

It's time to let go of casual, and step into something new. 

What Your Encouragement to Others Says About You:

Hebrews 3:13
So encourage each other daily...so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. 


My cousin Jennifer is one of the most encouraging people I know.  For the past year I have been observing her bless and encourage the people around her with phone calls, text messages, emails, and so much more.  It seems so natural for her, as though she doesn't even have to think about it.   No matter what has been going on in my life the past couple years, she's always reached out to say a simple hello and let me know she is thinking or praying for me....even during times when I wasn't always reaching out to her. 

I'm challenged by this kind of encouragement in the body of Christ.  It's a kind of encouragement that embodies the love of Jesus.  It's a kind of encouragement that reaches beyond self and into the lives of others.  It's a kind of encouragement that exudes confidence, grace, and sincere compassion.   

I want to be a person that encourages those around me, because according to scripture, people who can't seem to encourage others are some of the most hardened people on earth.  In Hebrews we are reminded to encourage each other daily..."so as not to be hardened by sin's deceit." 

When encouragement is difficult in your life, you must really ask yourself why.  Because 100 times out of 100, the difficulty to encourage has nothing to do with the people around you- and everything to do with your heart.  When we fail to encourage those around us, our hearts become insecure, covetous, isolated, and weak.  Like the Grinch, our hearts become three sizes too small.  Our lack of encouragement is always a symptom of something more.  Something deep inside of us that is not as it should be. 

You see, the greatest deceit we can experience is by believing this world is all about us.  The hardest our hearts will get, is when we believe that we are to be recipients of encouragement rather than distributors of encouragement.  When we focus inward, we will find our hearts cold, hardened, and alone.  We will find ourselves trapped in our own sin of selfishness and despair. 

I want to practice encouraging others in every aspect of my life.  I want to work on being called outside of myself, focusing on the lives of people around me.  I'm doing my best to practice this within my core group of friends, but I want it to become so much a part of my life that it is felt by everyone I come into contact with.   I want the confidence of Jesus and the value I have in Him to be my foundation, so that I am freed to give encouragement to others without the motive to receive it in return. 

I want to encourage others daily, so that my heart is soft and secure...and freed to love like Jesus loved.

"Student says- 'I am very discouraged what should I do'. Master says- 'encourage others'"

Taking off your mask: On Being Real

Psalm 139
"My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth."


I spoke at Faith Evangelical church last evening in Allentown, PA to an amazing group of young men and women.  One of the topics that was addressed was about authenticity in relationships...and how to be real with the people around you.  The conclusion?  Sometimes it's really hard to be real.  Sometimes it seems impossible to let go of the mask.  Sometimes it's painfully difficult to show your true self to the world.  The person we are, not the person we want to be.  And sometimes...it's hard to believe that we have anything worth really showing. 


Psalm 139.  Easier to read than to believe sometimes.  A psalm filled with value statements promoting our worth, our value, our meaning in the eyes of God.

"Intricately woven"...."Fearfully and wonderfully made." 


Sometimes we feel more complicated than intricate.  More afraid than fearfully made.  More wounded than wonderful.

It's hard to be real, because that means letting our true colors shine.  It means sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly.  It means being open and honest about our struggles and our fears, our joys and our strengths.  It means being okay with where we are and who we are becoming, and then sharing that with the world.

It's hard to be real because sometimes we don't even know who we really are.  We know who we wish we were.  We know who we want to be.  But sometimes it's hard to come face to face with who we actually are.

It's hard to be real because it leaves us vulnerable and exposed.  It allows us to be seen, which allows us to be judged, which allows us to be valued.  Sometimes we're more concerned about how this world values us than how our God values us. 

If we're going to be real, we've God to really understand who we are in the eyes of God.  We've got to be confident with who he has made us, where we are at, and where He's taking us.  We've got to be okay with our humanity- struggles, sins, and all, recognizing that only in the pit of our humanity is when we are in need of a Savior.

We were rescued by a God who connected with us by his wounds.  Maybe sharing ours will be the only way that we can really connect with others.

Five Ways We Keep Our Marriage Strong:

Google "marriage jokes" and these are some of the things you'll find:
  

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

I really despise marriage jokes.  First, I despise them because they are critical, negative, and completely discouraging.  But secondly, I despise them because at the core....they reflect the heart of a very broken society, with a very twisted view of marriage.  They reflect a world around us that is struggling to see marriage as a blessing, but rather see it as a hindrance.

Turn on the local news and you will hear story after story of broken marriages, destructive relationships, struggling families, and the on again off again romance of Hollywood that confirms our societies apathetic view on holy matrimony.    

I despise marriage jokes because I believe they affirm the very thing the Enemy is trying to do in the world around us- steal, kill, and destroy our God-ordained, God-given, God-created relationships.  They make light of a very serious matter and snuff the image of God in the very relationships that were meant to reflect and honor Him.  
  
Marriage is no walk in the park. It is a road full of really hard choices, ridiculous selflessness, and constant service.  But it is a journey full of blessing, healing, and hope.  It is a hazy glimpse of God's incredible love found in the eyes of another human being. 

My husband and I take this seriously, and try to live out this kind of love each and every single day.  Some days are way harder than others, and many times we make mistakes.  But more than anything, we have committed to five things to keep our marriage strong...

1.  Friendship:  It's easier to be friends than lovers.  And those who start as friends, make the best lovers.  John and I founded our relationship on a really strong friendship.  I see the roots of that friendship sprouting in our marriage every day.  Each component to our friendship is like a string- and we have string after string tying us together and holding us close.  We share similar interests, hobbies, passions, and beliefs that keep us connected.  But we also have many differences- differences that we see as opportunities to learn, experience, and get to know one another even more.  We love spending time together, experiencing things with one another, and consider the other as our best friend.  We don't let our marriage cover over our friendship...it only accentuates it. 

2.  Laughter:  When I met John I thought he was the funniest man alive.  Now I know better :)  But the truth of the matter is he keeps me laughing and makes me smile.  We have so much fun together, and some of our most intimate memories involve us laughing until there are tears streaming down our faces.  There is a time and place in marriage for tears of frustration, anger, and sadness...but there should also be a time for tears of joy.  Make that a priority in your marriage.  

3.  Confession:  As hard as it is, John and I are getting really good at saying sorry.  But we've evolved.  We don't just say sorry anymore- because the word "sorry" doesn't always hold much meaning.  We have learned to confess to one another, to take ownership and responsibility of our sins, flaws, and weaknesses, and to apologize specifically for how we have hurt each other.  As humbling as this can be, confession has brought an intimacy between us that is far greater than any prideful "rightness" could ever bring.  We've learned to confess to one another, and then to forgive one another.   

4.  Affection:  While affection was the norm in our first 3 years of marriage- two children later, a lot has changed.  Affection is no longer the "norm", it's a priority.  It's an action and reaction to one another that involves being deliberate and choosing to make time for intimacy, romance, and quality time.  It's a part of our life that we've had to learn to integrate in our day to day, rather than just save for special date nights.  We give affection through our words, loving glances across the couch while reading books with the kids, holding hands in public or even across our dining room table.  We've learned to show affection through our words, our actions, and our attitudes with one another.  And let me encourage you...a little love goes a long, long way. 

5.  Connection:  With so many opportunities to "connect" throughout the day via Facebook, emails, text messages, and interactions with others- sometimes our need for connections is depleted by the time we are face to face with our spouse at the end of the day.  John and I do our best to save our connecting for one another...to save our favorite stories of the day with each other, to call and text each other throughout the day, and to always save the last few minutes before bed as our time to emotionally connect.  We're deliberate in having deep conversation with one another, and make the most of the time we're apart by thinking about each other and then sharing those thoughts when we get the chance. 

Marriage is not an easy road, and the proof of that is reflected in the many marriages around us that are falling apart.  But God's design for marriage is not to add burdens but to bring blessing into our lives.  May God give us the grace to honor our relationships with our spouse, to invest in them, and to show them the love of Jesus every opportunity we get.  And may we be blessed in return. 

One Sign of True Love: Transparency

Song of Solomon 8:7
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. 

"You're boring!"

The commercial on T.V. started off by showing a young woman telling her boyfriend that he was...boring. 

In comes credit card advertisement with the solution.

You don't have to be boring anymore!  The next few scenes portray the young man living it up with his credit card rewards, no longer the boring man he used to be.  All to win back the heart of the witch who just stomped on it.

Really?  I mean....really?

Commercials like this absolutely kill me.  Not so much of the ridiculous content that they advertise, but more so, because they reflect the heart of our culture.  A culture so afraid of rejection, afraid to be singled out, and so utterly desperate just to fit in.  No matter the cost. 

A culture willing to bend and fit into any mold, if only to be loved and accepted, if only to be valued.

It breaks my heart to see this theme resonating on T.V., but even more so in the world around me.  Young people I hear from every day through emails, over phone conversations, at talks, and in sessions...longing to be loved, willing to give up everything...even their very self.

One thing I love about my dating relationship with John is that we were always real with each other.  Never trying to be something or someone we were not.  We both believed with all our hearts that one of the keys to finding true love was in being real.  When the person standing before you is completely transparent...you know your love is based on truth, because it's founded on what is actually there...rather than what you wish, hope, or dream could be there.

There were so many things about me that John loved, things I never imagined someone could ever love.  My clammy hands.  My frizzy curls.  My need to have deep conversations all hours of the day and night.  But those were the things that made me...me...and that is what he fell in love with.   He loved me for who I was, not for who he wanted me to be.  And for the rest of our lives in marriage...I am freed to be myself.  Completely, wholly, and transparently me.

Why settle for a relationship in which you are asked to be someone you are not?  Why settle for hiding the parts of you that make you transparent, real, and authentically you.  Why become someone else to find love, when true love can find you...just for being you.  A love that cannot be quenched, a love that can never be washed away. 

Embrace your God-created self.  Every part of it. From your body type, to your spirituality.  From your emotional temperament to your silly quirks.  From your convictions to your hobbies.  It's okay to be real...because, though you risk rejection...it's the only way that you can experience true and complete love.

And that kind of love....is priceless.  

How to Earn BFF Status: Authentic Friendships

"A friend loves at all times" Proverbs 17:17

B.F.F.

If you're anything like me, those little letters inspire a blast to the past.  I remember passing notes back and forth in 5th grade, sealing them with the stamp of my multi-colored markers, boldly proclaiming BFF all over the page.

Best Friends Forever.

Life is so simple when you're in 5th grade, isn't it?  You are free to dream, free to imagine, free to live toward a future that is so easy and care-free.  Free to enter into relationships, believing with all your heart that they will last forever.

But then life happens.  And you grow up.  And you realize that real, everlasting friendships require much, much, more than passing notes after Math class and sharing a peanut butter sandwich at lunch.

******

I'm re-learning the art of making friends in this season of my life.  I'll be entering into the world of 30 next year, and I never thought that the topic of friendships would still be such a discovery to me at this stage.  I'm learning that sometimes friendships do, "just happen", as they did in the simplicity of 5th grade, but that most of the time- they take a lot more work.

For the first time in my life I'm starting to see authentic friendships as a calling, one that God has been whispering to me about for a while.  I'm finally starting to take the time to listen.  Just like He's called me to my family, and my career...he's also called me to certain friendships.  People he has placed in my life to show me a little more of Himself.  I'm realizing,  that there's so much of who He is that I would be missing,  if I didn't take the time to look for it in the people He has put into my life. 

I'm learning how to build authentic friendships, because I want to experience God in every possible avenue that He gives me to see a little more of Himself.  Ironically, as I've been learning about this subject, I was asked to do a talk at a nearby college on the concept of Building Authentic Friendships.  I've been brainstorming what all of this means to me.  Here's a couple things that I've come up with: 

1. Identify who you're called to:  The older I get, the more I realize that my emotional capacity is much more limited than I ever thought it was.  After spending the day with my kids, the evening with my husband, there's only so much left that I have to give.  And that's not to mention work, parents, siblings, and my much needed emotional investment in my self. I don't know about you, but I used to see friendships as anything and anyone that I seemed to have something in common with or getting a long with.  But to be honest, that made for a very long list of people to hang out with and frankly, I was never able to keep up with all the work that entailed.  But now I'm realizing that beyond similarities and interests, authentic friendships have an element that runs much deeper. 

In order to have authentic friendships, they have to be more than a luxury, but a calling.  People who God has placed in your life, and you in theirs for this specific season of time.   When God calls you to something, you don't let go of it until He lets you.  You hold on to your friends, realizing that through this friendship God is shaping you, challenging you, encouraging you, and stretching you into the person He has called you to be. Since you only have so much to give, be sure you are giving it to the people God has called you to give it to.  And then give all that you possibly can.   

2. Invest in their lives:  It's funny, because making friends is kind of like dating all over again.  It takes planning, timing, and communicating.  It's a process of giving that is made up of time, energy, and emotions.  It's a deliberate act that comes in the form of serving, talking, giving, forgiving, and encouraging.  It takes a whole lot of work, and with that work comes a whole lot of risk.  It's always hard to give to someone, when you have no idea how much, if any, they will give back.  But this is why it is so important to feel that we are called into a friendship.  Because when God calls us to give, He will give us the energy and the strength to keep on giving, even through the bumps and bruises that may come along the road of friendship.  

3. Invite them into yours: This has been the hardest part for me along the journey of friendship.  I find it easier to give, to serve, and to encourage- then to allow someone to do these things for me.  But I'm learning to accept the friendship of others in my life, and to live in the calling they feel toward me.  Inviting authentic friendship into your life means just that.  Opening your world to them.  Letting down your guard.  It requires an authentic and transparent look at who you really are, rather than who you want to be, and allowing your friends to see just that.  It calls for a genuineness that has no room for competition, jealousy, or envy- but rejoices in the prize of being real.

I'm thankful for the friends God has called me to in this season of my life.  Friends who have come along side me rejoicing with me through the highs of life, and mourning with me through it's lows.  I want to learn to live authentically and to give whole-heartedly, because in this kind of relationship I catch a beautiful glimpse of the heart of Jesus.

A Friend who loves fiercely, and gives sacrificially.  Lord, help me to be this kind of friend.