Should relationships be this complicated?

Romans 12:16
Live in harmony with one another.

What is up with dating being so complicated these days? I understand that we are complex human beings by design...but was it ever supposed to come to this?

I receive hundreds of emails from young men and women who have read my articles and posts...and who all have one thing in common- they are looking for love.  While I love hearing from people and helping in any way that I can, I find myself amazed by the complications and baggage that are often associated with dating relationships.

As an outsider looking in- after reading a 10 page email or hearing a story filled with break ups, lack of boundaries, hurt, pain, and confusion...it's easy to see that things are not as they should be.  Relationships are hard work, but they should never be damaging, confusing, or wounding.  They should never emit constant conflict, chaos, and catastrophe. 

Right relationships were meant to be healing, to bring hope...and to embody harmony. 

But sometimes it's harder to see these things from the inside looking out. 

You see, Jesus calls us to live in harmony with one another.  It's easy to consider harmony as we interact and relate to the world around us, but why do so many people fail to see the need for harmony in their own personal relationships?  If we are called to harmony with the world, how much more to the intimate relationships that we're involved in.

Take a look at your dating life and ask yourself what it reflects.  Does it reflect chaos, or harmony?  Joy, or pain?  Growth or paralysis? 

If you answered the latter, maybe its' time to consider a change.

Because Dating was never meant to be so complicated...and if it's complicated now...it will be complicated unhappily, ever after...

Birthdays, Monsoons, and Blessings: When it Rains...it Pours

Malachi 3:10
Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.

It rained on my birthday.  

No...it actually poured.  Like, monsoon-kind-of-poured.  There was a torrential downpour most of the day, with tornado watches and flood warnings.  This isn't the first time it rained on my birthday, either. I remember being locked in doors my junior year of college, as we waited for the incoming hurricane.  Instead of being out celebrating, my roommates and I were glued to the weather channel, wondering if we were going to have to board up our windows and doors!  Talk about a bummer.

But you know, this Tuesday as I woke up to the sound of rain and looked out of my window into the haze, I wasn't discouraged to see the rain.  For me, the rain was symbolic.  I felt like God was speaking to me through the tiny drops slithering down my window pane.   

No one really likes rain.  It puts a damper on things, figuratively and literally speaking.  It gets in the way of plans, generates bad hair days, and makes the roads slick for driving.  It brings with it clouds.  Clouds that darken the shining of the sun, shading its light with a haze of grey.   It makes you feel lazy, cold, and sucks ever ounce of your motivation.  There is something about the rain that just isn't fun.

I've just come through a rainy season in my life.  One that sapped my motivation and my strength.  One that set up a haze of darkness over the light in my life, causing me to see things through the fog.  I've been walking through the rain, and at times it's left me drenched in it's down pour.  Shivering, cold, and alone.

But you know, that is not what I thought about as I woke up on the morning of September 18th.  God was not using the rain to remind me of my struggle...but to give me hope for my future.  Rain brings life, nourishment, and growth.  Rain brings fruit, and creates a harvest.  We always want to collect the fruit...but in order to do so, it first has to rain. 

But you see, I believe that this season of rain will soon pass, like the rain always does.  I'm already seeing the clouds begin to break up and move away.  Yet I'm expecting more than just the ceasing of rain.  I'm expecting blessings.  There are always blessings after the storm. 

I have been faithful to God through the rain, and I know that because of who He is...greater things are yet to come.  I'm expecting Him to open the floodgates of heaven, and pour out so much blessing that my life won't even be able to contain it.  I'm believing that.  I'm speaking that into my life.  Because these are God's words, and His words are always more truthful than my own.

This is what I'm believing for this coming year, my 29th year of life.  I'm believing in God's faithfulness.  He was faithful to plant seeds into my life, and faithful to water them.  Now, He will be faithful in growing them up.  I'm waiting for this.  I'm hoping for this.  I'm believing in this.

Why I Hate Running and What I'm Running From:

Hebrews 12:1-2
And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith.

There's nothing I despise more than running.  It takes so much out of me.  Energy.  Strength.  Motivation.  But that's what I've been doing lately.  This time, I'm not talking about physical running.  I'm talking about emotional...and spiritual running.  

To put it vaguely, I've been going through a difficult time in my life.  God has blessed me with so much, and the roots of those blessings run so deep in my life- but the stems of those blessings have began to blossom into pain, suffering, and stress.  The seeds must fall in order for the fruit to be birthed.  I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces much fruit (John 12:24).

I'm waiting for that fruit.  Having to remind myself that it is actually rooted in blessings, though some days blessing is the last thing I feel.  Some days, I just feel crushed.  Pressed.  Persecuted.  And struck down.  

For a moment, I thought the seeds had fallen...I thought it was time to harvest, to taste, to enjoy the fruit.  But I was wrong.  The season is not yet over.  

It's like I was running a marathon, headed toward the finish line, desperate to get to the end.  And when I reached the finish line, I turned the corner and realized that I still had 5 miles to run...

The end would come.  But it was not yet.  

Sometimes, this thought can be more devastating than encouraging.  Sometimes, your body and your soul and your mind just want to get to the end, and you aren't sure if you have the strength to make it through to the finish line. You just don't know if you have what it takes.  Just ask me a few weeks ago, and I, too, didn't think I could.  

But here I am...am still running...

More than anything, I'm thankful that this race I'm running isn't about me, and the strength that I am running with has nothing to do with myself.  I'm thankful that when I am weak and my faith is imperfect, I can fix my eyes on the one who perfects my faith.  I'm thankful that the race has an end, it's not as short as I want it to be, and it's not as straight- but it's a race that was made just for me.  It was marked out for me.  It is mine.  For a reason.   Though I don't always know what that reason is, one thing I do know:

It refines me.  It stretches me.  It teaches me.  It perfects me.  

As much as I hate running...and trust me, I really despise it...I'm learning to be thankful in this race.  I'm learning to run the race marked out for me, and to fix my eyes on Jesus each and every step of the way.  

5 miles to go.  I'm running from fear, doubt, worry, and pain.  And instead, I'm running to Jesus. 

The finish line is in sight.  I'm hopeful that I'll push through and get there.  

May you, dear one, keep running, too. 

So You Think You Can Dance...For Others?

Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

I have a friend who is the most incredible encourager ever.  

Seriously.  No matter what kind of good things are going on in my life...whether as small as getting a new hair cut, or as huge as signing with an awesome literary agent- she totally rejoices.  She allows her heart to be captured by my emotions and by my life.  You can hear the excitement in her voice, and you can tell it's SO genuine.  Sometimes, I feel like she's about to break out in dance.  I joke with her that she's my biggest fan...and she has been ever since we were kids.  She really, truly rejoices when I rejoice.

I wish I could say the same about all of my friends...but I can't.  I actually have a category of people in my life who I CAN'T share good things with.  Fears of tension, jealousy, and the potential competitiveness that may creep into those conversations keeps me absolutely silent when good things are going on.  So I keep quiet.

As much as that bothers me and gives me the feeling that I can't truly be real...I totally get it, because I too have a bit of disgusting covetousness in me.  A pride that wants the good things for myself.  Why is it hard to hear the blessings in the lives of others?  Why is it sometimes easier to mourn with the people around us than to rejoice?

I don't know for sure...but from my experience in my own life, the dirty culprit comes down to nothing more dangerous than the plague of insecurity.  

Insecurity causes us to rise up in comparison to others rather than to celebrate ourselves.
Insecurity forces us to think we need to achieve, to have, to be in order to gain value.
Insecurity tricks us into believing that when others are have more...we have less.

It's an evil little creature, slithering about with the intent of killing our joy...and our ability to rejoice.

The ironic thing is that at the end of the disease of insecurity, we are robbed of rejoicing with others...but we are also stripped of our ability to rejoice in ourselves.  

I don't know about you, but I want to experience more joy.  I want to be the "biggest fan" to the people in my life.  I want my heart to flutter and rejoice in response to their blessings, to their successes, to their achievements.  I want to experience the joy that comes with feeling the joy in the lives of the people around me.    


Take inventory...how are you at rejoicing for others?  How deep does your joy run for the people around you, when God pours His blessing on them?  What feelings come to the surface when you are faced with the prosperity of the people in your life?

Don't be fooled, the inability to rejoice for others is a symptom of something far greater than a simple lack of emotion.

Ask Jesus to come into this part of your life. To fill you with value, worth, and a security beyond what you can try to scrape up for yourself.  To see the all-encompassing beauty of Him rejoicing over YOU...dancing over you...so that one day, you too, can learn to dance for others. 

What Could Have Been:

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

I've had the honor of meeting some really incredible men and women over the course of the past few weeks who have really reminded me why I am a follower of Christ.  

Men and women who's lives have been radically changed from darkness into light, from dysfunction into healing, from brokenness into new hope.


It never ceases to amaze me when I hear their stories.  The chains of addictions wrapped around their lives.  Addiction to drugs, sex, relationships.  Addiction to approval, alcohol, and material things.  Broken hearts, destitute spirits, and hopeless futures.  It's amazing to hear the incredible stories of how God took their hurts and their shame...and brought them into something new.

The old has gone, the new has come. 

It reminds me of the power of the love of God through Jesus.  It reminds me of the hope to which I cling.  It reminds me that there is some real power behind the Spirit that is living inside of my heart. 

But it also saddens me.  

I'm saddened because at times, I take my story so lightly.

Sometimes I forget what a privilege it is to be living in the "new".  I've been in relationship with Jesus for most of my adult life.  Having made that choice, and accepting that gift, I've been doing my best to live a life guided my God's Spirit at work in me.  Offering me hope, freedom, and joy ever since.

There is something incredible about that.  There is something incredible to think of who I am today and imagine what could have been if Jesus had not captured my heart. 


My story should cause me to celebrate every day at what should have been...but isn't. 

Thank you Jesus that you enter my present each and every single day, and that you rescue my future. 

The old has gone, the new has come.  May we never take that lightly. 

Why Japan Matters To Us: On Suffering & Hope

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

I'm sure you've heard by now about the tragedy happening in Japan after the 8.9 magnitude Earthquake that devastated the country on Friday afternoon.  The earthquake triggered a massive tsunami that brought even more death and destruction to the already wounded country. 

Things like this don't always hit home for those of us who live in distant lands, surrounded by comfort and even luxuries.  And when the news finally does sink in, we are left confused, questioning a God who says He cares and who says that He will take care of us.  How can we make sense of the tragedy in our lives in the shadow of an all-powerful, all-loving God?

Either He is lying...or He doesn't really care.  That's what it seems like at times, doesn't it?

Last weekend at church I was really moved by a message addressing this issue.  Long before the devastation in Japan, these questions have been asked by men and women all through history.  Men and women trying to make sense of the pain in our worlds while believing in the power of our God. 

The pastor explained this concept by separating "this age" from "the age to come".  

Some see "this age" as our current world: filled with destruction, death, and pain.  They await the "coming age" when there will be no more tears or sorrow...the day when Jesus will come back to rescue His people.
For these people, life can be very black and white.  They tolerate today, rather than thriving in it, in hopes of a better tomorrow.

Others believe that once Jesus came, "the age to come" had arrived.  That every tear would be immediately wiped from our eyes, and that Jesus would bring healing, success, and prosperity to those who believed.  For these people, discouragement is just around the corner when they are hit with disease, financial difficulty, and persecution.

So how can we make sense of this?  If Jesus is alive and powerful, why do we still suffer?  Whey do we still mourn?  Why is life still filled with hardships and strife?  Why is there still cancer, AIDS, and childhood trauma?

The pastor posed that it is because there is in overlap between "this age" (the time of Jesus entering our world as a baby) and "the age to come" (the second coming of Jesus).  The coming of Jesus DID bring hope, healing and new life.  It broke the chains of death and despair.  People who give their lives to this higher calling are filled with hope and freed from the pain of sin and death.  They are changed.  They are transformed.  I don't just believe this concept...I am living proof.  Jesus has brought hope into my life, freedom from addictions, and a peace that doesn't even make sense.  And I have seen him do the same and more in the lives of those around me.   

But this is not the end of the road.  Though Jesus brought rays of sunshine into the dark clouds of our lives, there is still something even greater that is to come.  There will be a day when these dark clouds dissolve and the face of God will bring the never-ending light of hope into our lives...forever and ever. 

You see my friends, this world is just the appetizer.  It is not meant to fill us because it can't.  But the main course is just around the corner to those who persevere.  There will be joys in this world, but there will also be pain...until the day that "every tear will be wiped away".

God is still alive and at work in our lives...preparing our hearts and the hearts of those around us for the day when He will have the final say.  Press on.  Have hope.  This is not the end of the story. 

As we meditate on the life of Jesus during this season of Lent, we are thankful, God, for the hope that you brought into our world.  We are grateful that you chose to bring your sunshine into our dark lives through the birth of your Son Jesus and through His death.  And we are hopeful, awaiting the day when you will come again, wiping every tear from our eye and bringing an irreplaceable joy.  Amen. 

"And you will never be completely happy on earth simply because you were not made for earth. 

Oh, you will have your moments of joy. You will catch glimpses of light. You will know moments or even days of peace. But they simply do not compare with the happiness that lies ahead....
 
Those moments are appetizers for the dish that is to come."--Max Lucado

"Christian" Depression:

Psalm 30:5
...weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

This morning I woke up feeling really good.  I was filled with an unmistakable, overwhelming joy.  It had nothing to do with anything special that was going on...I was eating my oatmeal and banana for breakfast, just got finished feeding my baby, and watching the snowflakes falling- announcing the probability of another day snowed-in.  Like I said, nothing special.  But this morning, I was filled with an overwhelming joy and gratitude for the blessings in my life- little as they may be.

Recently a friend of mine said to me "I want whatever it is you're drinking....you are always happy and thankful".  If you really want to know the truth, what I am drinking, is a strong, strong dose of pain.

You see, for me, mornings like this are filled with a huge amount of gratitude, because the reality is- they didn't always exist.  I remember a season in my life that was very dark.  I remember waking up to a terrible void, an aching in my soul, a worthlessness and meaningless that seemed to come out of nowhere.  Call it what you will, but for me, I was in a deep pit of depression.

If you've ever been through depression, you know it's one of the most terrible feelings on earth.  The burden of emotion seems unbearable.  The cloud of haze seems like it will never pass, never let up, and never give up.  The feelings of loneliness begin to set in, isolating you from the world around you.  The future doesn't seem appealing anymore, and the little things in life have no meaning.   It's a dark and dreary prison cell that eventually begins to feel like a miserable home.

I have seen the prison of depression.  In different seasons of my life.  I think it's hard for Christians to admit to this because "aren't we supposed to be filled with joy at all times?".  That would be nice wouldn't it.  And for some people, that very well may be the case.  But not for me.  And not for many of God's children in Scripture. 

Depression is not a sin...it's just a feeling.  A symptom of something else.  Therefore, standing a lone- it's not the bad guy.  It can make it's way into our lives through a number of avenues- and can point to a number of things:  malfunctioning brain chemistry, hormonal changes and imbalances, difficulties in life, stress, bad relationships, distance from God, and even unconfessed sins.

Whatever the cause, when it is resolved (and trust me...though it doesn't feel like it, it WILL pass)...the experience of depression can end up being a gift- because it strips you away from all the things that don't really matter, and finds you all alone at the feet of the only One who does.  My best explanation of this idea is wrapped up in the lyrics of one of my favorite songs:

I've watched my dreams all fade away
And blister in the sun
Everything I've ever had is unraveled and undone
I've set upon a worthless stack
Of my ambitious plans
And the people that I've loved the most
Have turned their backs and ran

This is the good life
I've lost everything
I could ever want
And ever dream of
This is the good life
I found everything
I could ever need
Here in Your arms

Loneliness has left me searching
For someone to love
Poverty has changed my view
Of what true riches are
Sorrow's opened up my eyes
To see what real joy is
Pain has been the catalyst
To my heart's happiness

What good would it be
If you had everything
But what you didn't have
Was the only thing you need

Thank you Lord for reminding me that sorrow only lasts for a night, and for being the source of my joy in the morning.  Thank you for allowing me to pass through the difficult times in my life, and bringing me out the other side even stronger than where I began.  Thank you for the fire, but most importantly...thank you for being with me through it. 

*If you feel that you are struggling with on-going clinical depression and can't seen to get yourself out of it: find some help.  Contact your local church, or get in touch with a professional counselor in your area.  Reach out for help...it's out there.

Lessons from a McDonalds Drive Through: On Real comfort

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 

I was having a particularly difficult week.  My situation seemed quite over my head, and I wasn't sure how I was going to come out on the other side.  I didn't feel like I had the strength...nor was I sure if I even wanted the strength to get through.  Sometimes it seems easier just to give up, doesn't it? 

I had a short break in my day, and felt my stomach growling in hunger.  It was the first sign of hunger I had felt in many days, as my situation seemed to overwhelm even my natural desires.  The closest stop?  McDonalds.  Good ol' comfort food, maybe that would make me feel a little better.

As I pulled through the drive through and placed my order, a young man greeted me at the next window.  His dark, braided hair flowed in dread locks, tucked away in a ponytail behind his work visor. 

"How are you today, ma'am?"

"Doing well" I lied, "How about yourself?"

"I'm hanging in there."

We could have stopped there, and my flesh really wanted to.  I wasn't necessarily in the mood to have a chat...but something inside of my soul begged me to press on...

"Just hanging in there?  Well, is there anyway that I can be praying for you Ryan?" I chose to step outside of myself as I read the nametag on his uniform.

"I got lots of people praying for me, but sure.  Tomorrow is my birthday...and I'm working.  I have a job interview for a new job too.  Seems like all I do is work these days.  You see, life has been hard for me.  My dad died, my grandma recently died...and I'm just trying to make it through.  Their deaths really took a toll on my life, but, I guess I'm proud of myself that I've stayed off the streets and outta drugs.  I'm trying to get through, and go to college..."


We spoke for a good five minutes.  He shared some stories from his life and some of his struggles.  And believe it or not, there was not a single car waiting behind me in this usually busy location. 

I encouraged Ryan the best I could, and as I drove away, I prayed for him....that God would bless this young man, that he would strengthen him.  That God would work miracles in his life and most importantly show Himself to him.  That God would comfort his heart...and that he would bless him on his birthday, his job interview, and for the rest of his life.

I don't know how to explain it...but my interaction with Ryan that day was just what I needed to take my eyes off of myself for a moment.  I was able to comfort him...and in comforting him, I felt an overwhelming amount of peace, joy, and comfort.  I was able to step back and take a look at the purpose of my life...a purpose that had been buried by my emotions...a purpose that had taken the back seat to my anxiety and fears.   The purpose?  To love God...and to love others.  A purpose that overwhelms me with peace and grace every time I choose to accept it. 

I can honestly say, the greatest lesson I learned this week took place at a McDonald's drive through...one of the most unexpected places.  And at the end of the day, my comfort came not from a by then cold burger and fries....but by the precious love and grace of my Savior...a grace that floods my heart and carries me through: when I let it. 

Thank you God for your overwhelming comfort...help us to comfort others. 

The Gift of Unhappiness: On true Joy

John 12:3
Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. 

There are a lot of "happy" things going on in my life right now.  My husband and I just bought our first home two weeks ago.  We are having so much fun setting up and decorating, and making it our own.  We are also expecting the birth of our first child- a little baby girl, at the end of September.  There is so much excitement in thinking about her and imagining what she will be like.  We just moved to a new city, where we are surrounded by family and friends who love and care for us.  Like I said, a lot of things to make a person "happy". 

But I must say, yesterday evening, "happy" is not exactly what I was feeling.  In between all the running around, setting up, planning and dreaming- something went wrong.  I tried to put my finger on it, and then I realized: I was experiencing the GIFT of Unhappiness. 

Max Lucado refers to this gift in chapter one of his book "Heaven, God's Highest Hope".  He discusses the concept of unhappiness as a gift- because it reminds us that we will never be truly happy by the things of this world alone.  My favorite part of the chapter describes the gift of unhappiness like this:

"Unhappiness on earth cultivates a hunger for heaven. By gracing us with a deep dissatisfaction, God holds our attention. The only tragedy, then, is to be satisfied prematurely. To settle for earth. To be content in a strange land...We are not happy here because we are not at home here. We are not happy here because we are not supposed to be happy here. We are “like foreigners and strangers in this world” (1 Pet.
2:11).

Take a fish and place him on the beach.2 Watch his gills gasp and scales dry. Is he happy? No! How do you make him happy? Do you cover him with a mountain of cash? Do you get him a beach chair and sunglasses? Do you bring him a Playfish magazine and martini? Do you wardrobe him in double-breasted fins and people-skinned shoes? Of course not. Then how do you make him happy? You put him back in his element. You put him back in the water. He will never be happy on the beach simply because he was not made for the beach.

And you will never be completely happy on earth simply because you were not made for earth. 

Oh, you will have your moments of joy. You will catch glimpses of light. You will know moments or even days of peace. But they simply do not compare with the happiness that lies ahead....
 
Those moments are appetizers for the dish that is to come."

I don't think there is a better explanation for what I was feeling last night.  You see, when God's blessings are used to replace Him- the end result can only be unhappiness.  It's so easy to get caught up in all that he has given and forget to take the time to get caught up in Him.  The only source of true joy.  The only place in which our hearts find rest.

As Saint Augustine so eloquently says: "Thou hast made us for Thyself and our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee"


So what does all this have to do with Mary pouring perfume at Jesus feet?  As I read this story this morning, it reminded me of the importance of taking all our physical blessings and pouring them at the feet of Jesus.  True happiness, therefore, is not found in enjoying the perfume- but in pouring it at the feet of the one who is worthy. 

I'm challenged to take all the blessings that I have been given and bring them back in thanksgiving and adoration to the feet of Jesus.  This is where true happiness can be found.  This is where permanent joy can be achieved.  Joy that stands alone.  Joy that is not dependent on the things received but on the One who gives those things.  Joy that is everlasting.

Thank you God, for the gift of unhappiness....because it reminds us where true joys are to be found.