Real Relationships: How Deep Are You? Three Levels of Communication

Proverbs 24:26
An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.

Communication...

It's a pretty big deal to most people and one that I've received a lot of questions about.  It's essentially what relationships are made of- but ironically, it's the one thing many people have no idea how to do.

I once read an article by my good friend and coworker Steve, describing levels of communication.  I loved it so much that I use my own form of this model in a lot of my counseling appointments. 

You see, to every relationship there will always be the potential for three levels of communication. 

Level 1- Facts:  This is the by far the easiest level.  It's the form of communication that focuses in on the facts, and zooms out on the self.  It's one that is so basic that it can involve even a complete stranger.  "What's the weather like outside?"  "What did you do today?"  "Who won last night's game"  It comes in the form of superficial facts- the who, what, where, when, and why's of your life.  No vulnerability, no depth, just facts. 

Level 2- Ideas: Level 2 takes you a little deeper.  It's a little more of you involved in the conversation because it acknowledges your opinions and your ideas.  Your likes and dislikes.  It's a little harder to engage in this kind of communication, unless you feel some sort of power within a relationship.  Because in level 2, you are letting down your guard just a tiny bit more.  Instead of just talking about last night's score, you talk share about your favorite team.  Instead of just telling the facts about your day, you share your hopes and dreams for tomorrow.   

Level 3- Feelings:   I think this is my favorite level.  It makes sense though.  As a counselor, I find myself engaging in level 3 hour upon hour with my clients and their families.  Level 3 is the deepest level, digging right into the heart.  It's the part of communication that digs through the surface of level 1, and then burrows into the depths of level 2 until it finds it's way to the most vulnerable place of all.  It takes a lot to identify and acknowledge feelings.  And it takes even more to share them.  Fear, embarrassment, insecurity.  Joy, excitement, surprise.  Sadness, anger, and hurt. 

This is the level that most relationships are missing.  This is the level of which most communication is lacking. 

It's amazing how many clients I see who identify that they've never really engaged in level 3 with their loved ones.  That it's awkward and uncomfortable, unnatural and difficult. 

But in order for relationships to be significant you have to go deep.  And in order to go deep in relationships...you have to do the work.

Don't get me wrong.  You can't live in Level 3.  I know sometimes I wish I could.  My husband will sometimes joke with me after a long conversation filled with "feelings" talk that we've been in level 3 way too long and that it's "Time to come up for air, Deb..."

But you know what, he's so right.  Level 3 can be exhausting if you don't have balance.  Sometimes you have to come back up to level one, because that's what life is made of essentially.  A healthy relationship knows the value of every level of communication, and will work it's way through the levels all throughout the day.   

So go grab your loved one, and practice digging deep into the 3 levels of communication.

Happy Talking :)

*Send in your Real Relationship questions to debslessonslearned@gmail.com to get your question answered in the series before it ends!

Real Relationships: How do you deal with Insecurities in a Relationship?

 

How do you deal with insecurities in a marriage?

Genesis 1:27
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

As I mentioned in my previous post, the next few posts will be focused on answering some of your questions about relationships (marriage, dating, and pretty much any relationship topics.).  I've asked my readers to write me with any relationship questions they want answered or discussed through this series.  This was one of the first questions submitted for the "Real Relationships" series and I want to start with it because it's a question that a lot of people deal with in relationships- whether married or dating.

Insecurity is the seed of discontent.  It's like a poison that seeps into a person's heart and mind and begins to fill them with confusion and doubt and fools them into believing they have no control.  I think it's a poison that we have all dealt with at some point, because it attacks in so many areas of our lives- relationships included.

I want to tackle this question by looking at two components to insecurity within a relationship: Yourself and Your Significant Other. 

Yourself:  What kind of counselor would I be if I didn't start a topic like this with the most influential person you will ever know-yourself.  So much of insecurity can only be dealt with by looking inward at your heart.  There comes a point to which no matter what your partner does or doesn't do...insecurity can still thrive, if the seed of it inside your heart has not been removed.  So you have to start there.

A lot of our insecurities as human beings stem back from our wrong beliefs about who we are.  Wrong beliefs can be placed on us from the time we are children and all through our adulthood by parents, friends, family, sinfulness, and even ourselves.  These beliefs shape the core of our view of self, and in turn how we act, and react to the world around us.  They are the filter that take in our reality, and if our filter is dirty...everything we see will be blemished as well.

When we live with insecurities, we can and will interpret anything and everything with a negative perspective.  This can taint the relationships that we are in, causing us to assume that our partner cannot be trusted, or has negative intent...when really, the culprit is our tainted views of ourselves.

I knew someone who had a really hard time with this.  She struggled with insecurities and negative thoughts and feelings about herself from her weight to her looks to her personality deficits and character flaws.  She magnified these weaknesses and eventually began to believe others did so as well.  These things slowly began creeping into her relationship with her husband, and she began to interpret all his actions as putting the spotlight on her insecurities, though he was only trying to encourage her and help her grow.  These interactions began to ware on their relationship and formed a barrier of mistrust and doubt between them.

I don't want to oversimplify such an important topic, because it's not like a person can just wish these negative thoughts and feelings away and like magic they are gone.  Years of negative build up might take years of removal...but with God's help, and our efforts...miracles really can happen- even in our emotional worlds. 

The process of dealing with our insecurities takes self-reflection, lots of it...and hard work.   Work to identify and then replace these negative thoughts and beliefs with the truth...in particular, God's truth.  It takes some serious energy to actually start believing this stuff, and seeing ourselves from the perspective that God wants us to be seen. 

For some, these insecurities run deep, and the help of a professional counselor is necessary.  For others, surrounding yourself with people who will speak encouragement into your life, getting real with your beliefs about ourselves, and starting to open our eyes to how God sees you will be the first steps in the process  You are valuable and worthwhile, according to Him...and it's time to find that out for yourself (Genesis 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:19, Romans 8:1, Psalm 139, Matthew 10:31...).

Start dealing with yourself and your own insecurities as the first step...because at the end of the day, you are the only thing that you can control.   


*I'll tackle the next step to dealing with insecurities in my next post: Your Partner. 

Real Relationships:

I'm really honored and excited about the attention both these blog posts and my magazine articles are receiving lately.  Not surprisingly, topics having to do with relationships (marriage, dating, etc.) have been a huge hit.

There is something about relationships and connecting with others that hits the core of who we are as human beings.  Our God is one of love...and in order for love to exist, relationships must be present.  We are drawn to relationships, ultimately, because we are drawn to a God who made us to connect in such a way. 

With regard to relationships, my readers have bombarded my email inbox with questions and thoughts in response to the articles they have read both here on my blog and via Relevant Magazine.  Some of the stories you have shared and questions you have asked have both inspired, moved, and challenged me, and I want to expand on some of that feedback.

In light of this, I'm starting a relationship series called "Real Relationships".  For the next few months, my articles and posts will be commenting on some of my readers questions on relationships and I will be answering through the lens of my personal life and love, as well as my experience as a professional counselor.

If you're interested in taking part in this series and potentially having your question answered or thoughts shared, email me at debslessonslearned@gmail.com, with the title "Real Relationships" in the subject line, so I know that I have permission to share your thoughts or question.  All things shared will be anonymous, unless you specify in your email that you'd like to be mentioned.  Be sure to subscribe to my blog via email or follow me on Twitter (@DebFileta) to keep up with the latest thoughts and questions!

I'm excited to hear from you, and dig even deeper into some of these topics.  God has thought up a marvelous design for relationships, and hopefully through this series we can each align our lives and relationships a little more in tune with His plans. 

For Those Who Want to Marry Jesus: On Majors and Minors

Proverbs 18:22
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

I attended a church once whose motto was "major on the major, minor on the minors".  What they meant by that is that as far as their theological beliefs were concerned, they allowed themselves to take a stance on what was truly significant in the Christian Theology, and decided to allow the smaller theological opinions up to each individual.  No need to get bogged down by the small things.

In a sense, I view finding a relationship the same way.  Let me explain what I mean by that.

Many times, Christian young men and women have either two views in finding a relationship:
1. They are looking to marry the embodiment of Jesus Christ himself
2. They don't really believe they should set their standards "too high" and have unrealistic expectations- so they don't have any at all.


In my opinion, both views are absolutely detrimental.

I believe it's important for an individual to have standards in what they are looking for.  If you know yourself, you should know what you need....but I suppose there's an unspoken prerequisite to the previous statement- you need to actually know yourself.    The first step to really knowing what you need is knowing yourself. 

Learning about your personality, your flaws, your background, your weaknesses and strengths.  Solidifying your passions, your dreams, your goals and your purpose.  Knowing your faith, your belief system, your values and standards.

The things that are important to you need to stay important to you in looking for love- in other words, major on the majors.  Don't settle for anything less than a 10 out of 10. 


As far as the minors go on the other hand....cut yourself some slack.  Does your husband have to be 6 foot 4 with blonde curly hair?  Does your wife have to be an incredible cook and have a fantastic singing voice?  Do they have to listen to Cold Play and carry a pocket bible everywhere they go?  Honestly....for some, preferences are important, but if anything- learn to keep your options open.

The sad thing is, I see many young men and women who do just the opposite- they major on the minors, and minor on the majors- letting things slide in relationships, allowing compromising values and standards to slowly creep into their lives....things that could absolutely destroy a future marriage. 

So for those who are currently struggling in their relationships- tossing around questions of doubt- ask yourself this question: are you focusing on a major, or a minor?  If the answer is a major...it's time to throw your little fish back into the sea, having faith that God will send you the right one....in due time.

From Signs to Spirit:

Exodus 13:21
By day the LORD went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night.

Isaiah 30:21
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it.

We are facing some life-changing decisions.  It seems as though the moment we have crossed one fork in the road we are faced with yet another.  The question of direction can be a very daunting thing.

For us, decisions in the past have always been pretty clear.  Life seemed to narrow down choices on its own.  When the time came for decisions to be made, there was usually only one choice to make- and we walked in it.  It was like the Israelites, walking behind the pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night.  There was one choice, and more than anything, choosing to walk on that path was simply a matter of obedience.

But you see, God is taking us on a whole new journey from the level of obedience and into the realm of faith.  Where before there were signs to guide us along the way, now there are none.  Where before we learned to rely on the tangible, now we are left to rely on His Spirit.  For me, that takes the exercise of a whole new spiritual muscle.  A whole new level of intercession.  A whole new level of sensitivity and intimacy that comes with hearing God’s voice. 

I’ve learned that many times, God will give us signs.  Signs to ease our hearts, signs to guide us to the next step, signs to remind us that He can be trusted. But I’ve also learned that many times, God will refrain from giving us signs.  He will refrain in order to take us into greater passion with Him.  He will refrain in order to teach us how to become dependent on Him alone.  He will refrain….to show us that He can be trusted.

Now is the time to walk in what we know.  Now is the time to remember the provision of the past and be confident in that provision for the future.  Now is the time to take the signs we have lived by and exchange them for His spirit.  Exchange them for more of Him. 

So take heart, and know that whether you walk to the right, or to the left, you will hear a voice from behind saying this is the way, walk in it.  It’s His promise.  Listen for Him.   

Lord, take us into new levels of faith.  Where there were once signs may you guide us now with your Spirit.

Who's Following Who?

Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord who determines his steps.

“We can’t just do whatever we want and then ask God to bless it.  No, we must ask Him what He wants us to do, and in that way-  it is always blessed.“- Faith Like Potatoes Documentary

I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea.  I believe if we could truly grasp the meaning of this concept our lives would be transformed.

So many times we get caught up in wondering why God isn’t blessing what we are doing, why He hasn’t answered our prayers, why He hasn’t done what we expect of Him. 

We blame ourselves: if only we could have more faith, if only we could be better people, if only we could sin a little bit less….then maybe things would go our way. 

We blame ourselves, and then when that doesn’t work- we blame God.  What in the world is He doing up there anyway?  Does He even hear our prayers?  If God is so good then why doesn’t he answer me?  Prosper me?  Bless me?

I think that we have it all backwards. Who is following who?

Our controlling, self-centered nature doesn’t grasp the magnitude and meaning behind this little verse: it is the Lord who determines our steps. 

He’s in charge.  He’s in control.  He knows the way.  He has the course in mind.  He can see what we cannot.  He knows what’s up ahead.  And better yet, His plans are greater, higher, more noble, and more remarkable than ours could ever be. 

Why is it we forget that? Why is it that we continue to pout, expecting Him to just follow along with our undersized dreams?  Why is it that we continue to plan, confused that He doesn’t allow us to get our petty and trivial way?  Why is it that we want Him to bless our agendas, not realizing that if He does- we are settling for much smaller portions than he intended?

I wonder how much we have missed because He has allowed us to have our way. 

One thing I know for sure: this year, things are going to be different.  Not just because it’s January 1st, 2010 and I’m inspired- no, but because I am choosing for them to be different. 

I am choosing to follow Him.  I am choosing to listen to His voice.  I am choosing to ask for His direction. I am choosing to look first to Him to guide the way.  I am choosing to refrain from taking one single step unless He has commanded me to. 

Because when He determines the path, failure is not an option.  When He determines the path, faith can manifest into complete confidence.  When He determines the path, there is no fear in what lies ahead…because He has tread it Himself.  

The Beauty of Unanswered Questions:

John 14:6
“I am…the truth…”

What if we were a people that asked more questions rather than always having answers? 

I was thinking about the implications of that kind of a life today, as I was hanging out with my friend T [We’ll call her T for short- even though I warned her she might end up in my blog: all friends be forewarned…your conversations with me may end up being read by hundreds of people]. 

T is a 17 year old girl.  I met her on my Saturday morning ministry, and in the past year our weekly interactions have blossomed into a really special friendship.  T lives in a very rough part of town- surrounded by violence, drugs and poverty.  To add to that, she’s had a difficult past- filled with pain, suffering, and tragedy.  But a few months ago, T gave her life to the Lord- in my parked car on the side of her busy street, which I can honestly say, was one of the most amazing moments in my life.

Since that day, our time spent together has, in a way, served a new purpose.  It’s been a time of “reordering” for her.  A time for asking new questions, and for seeking new answers.  Her old ways of thinking are slowly being replaced with new ideas, thoughts, and dreams.   New expectations, beliefs, and values.  But these times of reordering have always included one very important factor: questions.

This day was no different.  “Deb, how do know if you truly love someone?”…

I used to be uncomfortable with questions.  What I mean by that, is that I always assumed I had to offer an answer when someone asked a question.  The past few years I’ve learned to be comfortable with unanswered questions.  I’ve learned that I don’t have to have all the answers….and that in fact, I shouldn’t.  I’ve learned that in questions unanswered by us…we leave room for the greatest Answer of all- the Holy Spirit at work in our lives and in the lives of others.  So this time, I reciprocated this question with another one:

“What do you think, T?”
“Hmmm….I don’t know.  I’ll have to think about that one.  I’ve never asked myself that before.”

We spent the car ride home exploring love- talking about God’s love for us, our love for each other.  We talked about what true love might resemble- and what it might not.  Each question paving the way into something deeper.  Each question opening the door for other questions.  And so, as it seems, our night ended with unanswered questions. 

Some of you  may be thinking, “what a wasted learning opportunity”.  And many years ago, I would have probably agreed.  But more than anything, I walked away from our interaction today - more confident than ever of the power of my Lord. 

A Lord that not only hears our questions, but places them in our hearts.  A Lord who himself meets many of our questions with more questions.  A Lord who understands that the fruit of an unanswered question is perseverance, faith, and persistence.  A Lord who knows that with each question, he is lovingly drawing us one step closer, one level deeper to the finding where true answers are found…Himself. 

And so may we, my brothers and sisters, be freed to release ourselves from the burden of answers.  May we be challenged to stretch our faith as we trust our Lord with our unanswered questions, and those of our loved ones.  May we allow ourselves to be quiet for a moment, training our spiritual ears to hear the answers whispered by His Holy Spirit.  And may we with confidence believe that in the end He will draw us to the One where true answers are to be found. 

Thank you, Lord, for our unanswered questions.  And thank you, that at the end of our wondering, there we will always find You.