The Obsession of Physical Appearance:

I read an article recently addressing the dangers of body-image issues.  The most horrifying thing about this article was the fact that it was addressing patterns found in elementary school aged children, and the eating disorders and self-esteem issues that are becoming a serious problem even among 6-9 year olds. 

It’s not surprising if you ask me.  As a professional counselor, every year I’m seeing these issues pop up at an earlier and earlier age.  The concept of body-image has taken on such an important role in our society, and the effects of that are slowly trickling down into the generations beneath us.  If for no other reason than that, something has seriously got to change.  

I don’t know of many things that have such power over how a person feels about themselves than that of body-image.  For many young men and women, our physical appearance has become the measuring stick against which our entire value and worth are assessed by.  But let’s get real: as detrimental as this value system can be, it’s really hard to just “walk away” from that measuring stick when everything around you is pointing you in that direction.  

 It doesn't take much observation to realize that we live in a society that glorifies the physical, and to be honest, it's really easy to get caught up in that.  We all want to look good in one way or another.  We want the world around us to stop and take notice.  That is the natural outflow of the fact that we were created to be loved and adored.  

I get that.  But, I also see that this desire has become a dangerous idol for many people, young and old.  We've allowed this natural desire for love and attention to fuel an unrelenting obsession with the physical- an obsession that is destroying the lives of countless individuals in its aftermath, leaving so many without hope and without significance because of a few natural short comings (and sometimes no short comings at all!)

At one point in my life, I found myself walking down this dangerous path- a life of obsession, negativity, and self-deprecation that was sucking every ounce of joy, value and worth from my life little by little.  The negativity I had was even starting to affect the people around me, who graciously had enough love for me to call it out for the trap that it was.

I had to make a decision to get out of this pit before it got too deep.  It wasn't easy, let me tell you that.  I was so used to living by a value system that was based on the external that I had forgotten how to do it any other way.  Slowly, but surely, I was able to deliberately put some things into action that saved me from some serious pain.  Here are some things that helped me break free from this cycle:

1. Choose to stop thinking negatively:  First and foremost I had to take some major inventory of my thoughts.  Believe it or not your brain is actually train-able.  Patterns of thinking will easily develop based on the route you encourage your thoughts to go.  I had been stuck in some seriously catastrophic patterns of thinking that had become so natural I hardly noticed them.  I had to start taking the time to listen for my negative self-talk, begin to write it down, and call it out for what it was: straight up lies.  

The second part of this process was not just calling out the lies, but replacing them with truth.  I had to begin developing a totally new value system that was based on the value and worth that God had for me.  I memorized verses, talked to God, and read books that reminded me of what my true measuring stick was, and I had to daily (sometimes hourly) choose to measure myself up against the qualities of the internal rather than the external.  

2.  Take inventory of who you spend time with and what is coming out of your mouth:  This was huge for me.  I realized that so much of my time was being spent with people just like me- stuck in a rut, measuring themselves up by standards that were pretty much unattainable- and we were all falling short together (group failure can be addicting).  Every conversation and interaction was reinforcing my need to focus on my shortcomings, whether it was through complaining, comparing, or competing.  I had to make a point to limit my time with the people that only added to my physical baggage, and hold myself accountable for the things I was allowing to come out of my mouth.  The less you think about something the less you talk about it- and the less you talk about it, the less you think about it.  It was time for me to start making some real changes.      

3.  Get involved in things that promote your true self:   It’s easy to get caught up in a faulty measuring stick when you feel as though you have nothing else of value.  I knew that I had so many qualities and talents that had been hibernating due to my fixation on the physical.  I had to take the time to stretch those muscles again and realize that I had so much more to offer the world than my appearance.  I got out there and volunteered, used my leadership qualities, wrote encouraging notes, and spent time with those in need.  I took advantage of these little things that reminded me that I had so much to offer and gave me a fresh glimpse of the world around me.  

The truth is a negative and self-deprecating person has the ability to be just as vain and conceited (if not more) than someone who is narcissistic, because at the end of the day- whether negative or positive, both individuals are fixated on SELF.  Getting out and getting involved helped me take the needed time and energy to focus my life on others instead of being so completely wrapped up in myself.   

4.  Take a look at the deeper issues:  For some individuals, the concept of body-image issues runs very deep.  A few of the above steps might be helpful to some extent, but won’t have the power to pull them out of the trap of their body-image obsession.  Control issues, abandonment fears, and lack of boundaries in their world are just some of the things that might be fueling the need to focus on the physical.  If this is you, don’t take these things lightly.  The longer you are in this trap, the more difficult it is to get out.  Take some time to address these issues by finding a professional counselor and giving yourself the opportunity you need to focus on gaining back the control and getting your life back.      

I don’t know about you, but I want to be a person that is adding to the value and self-worth of the generation beneath me.  I want to be a person that sees the good inside of others, and begins to encourage them for the God-given qualities and value that are unique to them.  But at the end of the day, that only begins with learning to see the good inside of me.      


*This article originally written for RelevantMagazine.com 

Why It's So Hard to Love Yourself- and How to Start:

Mark 12:31
Love your neighbor as you love yourself.

I tweeted a message asking "Why do you think God asks us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves?"

One young woman tweeted back saying:
"I hope He calls us to love our neighbor as HE loves us...b/c sometimes,  I don't love myself very much".

Her answer to my question made me stop and think.  From what I've seen and experienced, this young woman is not alone in her struggles.  Hundreds of people that I have met, counseled, or befriended- all struggling with the same thing.   

Why is it so hard to love yourself?

I heard a talk the other day about self-worth.  The speaker was saying that it's almost as though we are born into a world in which we are constantly getting labels slapped onto us by others.  Our parents, our friends, our family, and people that we don't even know.  Each person from the outside looking in coming up with their label to put on us.  Some are kind, some are true...but so many of them are lies.  Negativity.  Hurt. Judgment. Misunderstanding.  Labels, slapped onto us without our permission.  And sometimes, we carry them so long that we believe what they say.    Sometimes, we allow them to define us.

I think sometimes it is so hard to love ourselves...because we have believed what the labels have been telling us.   

The truth is, God came to rip off all the labels that have been placed upon us, and start teaching us the truth about who we are- who He has made us to be.

When we acknowledge His love for us, we get the opportunity to take off all the labels and start from scratch.  If you back up one verse, Mark 12:30 is an essential starting point to learning how to love ourselves.  In it, God calls us to love Him fiercely, with all that we are:

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'

When we are in focused relationship with God, loving Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength- every part of us is open to learning and experiencing His view of us.  We are exposed to His way of thinking and feeling and His definitions of us begins to sink in.  His labels begin to take priority.  We become surrounded by His love for us, and it begins to permeate into our hearts as well.  And eventually, surrounded by such a relentless love- it begins to rub off.  We slowly learn that He thinks we are worth it.  We slowly believe that maybe we are worth it.  We finally begin to love ourselves...because He has first loved us.

And then finally, when we have really learned to love ourselves, we are opened up to the true meaning of loving others.

Love must always start with us.  Because in order to give out love, we must first possess it. 

I'm thankful for a God who pours His love on me, teaching me to love myself as He loves me, so that I am ultimately freed to love others.

It's time to rip off all the labels.  It's time to be freed to really love.  

  

Does the Church embrace singleness?

1 Corinthians 7:32
I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 

Does the Church embrace singleness?  I threw that question out there this morning on my True Love Dates Facebook page.  

It was interesting to read the thoughts and responses from young men and women, but one woman's comment caught my attention:

"It is almost as if it is okay to be a single man but they [the Church] are not quite sure what to do about a single woman.  Many times they feel sorry for her or pray for God to bring the right man. There seems to be a definite double standard." 

This statement really caught my eye because I find myself agreeing with her.  Remembering the days of singleness and the Christian culture that I was surrounded by, there seemed to be some sort of a double standard- where women felt less for being single, while men continued on peacefully with their bachelor lives.

I was thinking about this today, and why this seems to be the truth.  Although it's easy to blame the Church for everything, I believe the problem has a lot less to do with the Church, and a whole lot more to do with us...single young women, desperate to love and be loved.  

You see, I wonder if the church does not determine the value that is put on us- but rather, reflects the value that we put on ourselves.  

Looking back, I wonder if the church does not "embrace" singleness because we have a hard time embracing it ourselves.  As a single woman, I remember struggling so much with the idea of being single, as though it were a trial to get through, a temptation in which I had to persevere. 
  
It took me so long to embrace, enjoy singleness myself. 

As women, I think we all struggle with the same things.  The longing to be valued, loved, and embraced by another human being.  The longing to be walking with someone alongside, someone to witness our lives, in order to somehow make our lives matter.  

As Christian women, I think sometimes we devalue ourselves when we are single and alone.  I think we forget that our value is not attached to our relationship status, but rather to the God who has made His home inside of our hearts.  Our evaluation of self has the tendency to rub off onto the people around us.  

We teach people how to treat us by the way that we treat ourselves.  We teach people how to value us, by the way that we value ourselves.  At the root of the Church embracing singleness, is a long line of individual men and women, struggling to embrace singleness themselves. 

As a married woman now, I look back and I see the mistakes I made as a single woman- longing to be loved, valued, and embraced.  And the truth of the matter is- even in marriage...the struggles with value and self-worth have not gone away.  They still haunt me day by day and the unconditional love of a husband was not the cure that I thought it would be.  The truth of the matter is, the only solution I have found is nestled deeply in the heart of Something more.  Someone more. 


We will not embrace singleness as a culture, and as women at large, until we have truly learned to embrace our God-created, God-restored, God-loved, God-valued selves.  We will not embrace singleness as a culture, until we have learned to be at peace with who are are, standing alone.  And maybe, just maybe, even then we will never truly embrace our "singleness" because that's not the core of what we were meant to embrace. Rather than defining ourselves by the broad brush stroke of a relationship status, maybe our definitions need to run a little bit deeper.  A little bit truer.   A little bit more in line with the God of relationships, who calls us to rest only in Him. 

May we, as women, seek to create a culture in which we teach the world around us to treat us like we deserve to be treated.  Valued, loved, honored and respected.  Single, or not.  We are daughters of a King.  Let's live that way. 

You're So Vain, bet You think This Post Is About You....

Philippians 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.


In Greek mythology, Narcissus was hunter, known for his beauty.  Filled with pride, he loved himself so much that he was unable to love others.  Eventually, he was led to a body of water, where he glanced his reflection- unbeknownst to him- and fell in love with himself.  He was unable to leave the beauty of his very own reflection. 

And there he would spend the rest of his days, alone with himself...until the day that he died... 

As hard as it is to admit, there's a little bit of narcissus in all of us, isn't there?  A part of us that is afraid to take our eyes off of ourselves.  A voice inside of us that lures us in, keeping us fixated on self, preventing us from focusing on others.  Sometimes this voice comes with the sound of praise- reminding you of your accomplishments, stroking your ego, and giving you glory for all that you have done and all that you are.  Other times, this inability to take our eyes off of ourselves comes in a discouraging way.  Causing you to obsesses over yourself...if only I could have done better.  If only I could do more, be more, have more...

No matter which voice, whether positive or negative, we become the center of our attention. 

When we are consumed with ourselves, we are inhibited from loving others the way we were intended to love them.  When we are the focus we miss the opportunity of connecting with others. 

Pride and selfishness are some of the most isolating characteristics a human can possess....and whether the focus is positive or negative...fixation on self is just that.   

For those of us who cannot stop looking at ourselves...we will find, like Narcissus, a life filled nothing but self.  We will find everyone else around us fading away, washed up in the waves of our selfishness.  Consumed by the appetite of our ego.  And ultimately...desperately, and utterly alone.

C.S. Lewis declares that humility is not thinking less of yourself, but learning to think of your self less....

To allow your focus to fall on the people around you, and the God inside of you.  The God that is calling your name, asking you to love Him because He has already loved you.

The ironic thing is that the God who loves us so much is the only One who has the authority to focus on Himself...but He chose, in fact, to focus on You instead.  To give His heart to you.  To give His life for you.  To think of you in His last dying moment...instead of thinking of Himself. 

The only way to be freed from the snares of ego and pride is to do just that.  The only way to unlock the prison of selfishness and be freed from the obsession of insecurity, is to fix your eyes on others.  To allow others to be loved and valued just as much as you love and value yourself. 

Because no matter how hard we try to save ourselves... turning our eyes away from this self is the one and only place where true salvation can be found.   

Real Relationships: How do you deal with Insecurities in a Relationship?

 

How do you deal with insecurities in a marriage?

Genesis 1:27
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

As I mentioned in my previous post, the next few posts will be focused on answering some of your questions about relationships (marriage, dating, and pretty much any relationship topics.).  I've asked my readers to write me with any relationship questions they want answered or discussed through this series.  This was one of the first questions submitted for the "Real Relationships" series and I want to start with it because it's a question that a lot of people deal with in relationships- whether married or dating.

Insecurity is the seed of discontent.  It's like a poison that seeps into a person's heart and mind and begins to fill them with confusion and doubt and fools them into believing they have no control.  I think it's a poison that we have all dealt with at some point, because it attacks in so many areas of our lives- relationships included.

I want to tackle this question by looking at two components to insecurity within a relationship: Yourself and Your Significant Other. 

Yourself:  What kind of counselor would I be if I didn't start a topic like this with the most influential person you will ever know-yourself.  So much of insecurity can only be dealt with by looking inward at your heart.  There comes a point to which no matter what your partner does or doesn't do...insecurity can still thrive, if the seed of it inside your heart has not been removed.  So you have to start there.

A lot of our insecurities as human beings stem back from our wrong beliefs about who we are.  Wrong beliefs can be placed on us from the time we are children and all through our adulthood by parents, friends, family, sinfulness, and even ourselves.  These beliefs shape the core of our view of self, and in turn how we act, and react to the world around us.  They are the filter that take in our reality, and if our filter is dirty...everything we see will be blemished as well.

When we live with insecurities, we can and will interpret anything and everything with a negative perspective.  This can taint the relationships that we are in, causing us to assume that our partner cannot be trusted, or has negative intent...when really, the culprit is our tainted views of ourselves.

I knew someone who had a really hard time with this.  She struggled with insecurities and negative thoughts and feelings about herself from her weight to her looks to her personality deficits and character flaws.  She magnified these weaknesses and eventually began to believe others did so as well.  These things slowly began creeping into her relationship with her husband, and she began to interpret all his actions as putting the spotlight on her insecurities, though he was only trying to encourage her and help her grow.  These interactions began to ware on their relationship and formed a barrier of mistrust and doubt between them.

I don't want to oversimplify such an important topic, because it's not like a person can just wish these negative thoughts and feelings away and like magic they are gone.  Years of negative build up might take years of removal...but with God's help, and our efforts...miracles really can happen- even in our emotional worlds. 

The process of dealing with our insecurities takes self-reflection, lots of it...and hard work.   Work to identify and then replace these negative thoughts and beliefs with the truth...in particular, God's truth.  It takes some serious energy to actually start believing this stuff, and seeing ourselves from the perspective that God wants us to be seen. 

For some, these insecurities run deep, and the help of a professional counselor is necessary.  For others, surrounding yourself with people who will speak encouragement into your life, getting real with your beliefs about ourselves, and starting to open our eyes to how God sees you will be the first steps in the process  You are valuable and worthwhile, according to Him...and it's time to find that out for yourself (Genesis 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:19, Romans 8:1, Psalm 139, Matthew 10:31...).

Start dealing with yourself and your own insecurities as the first step...because at the end of the day, you are the only thing that you can control.   


*I'll tackle the next step to dealing with insecurities in my next post: Your Partner. 

All The Single Ladies: The Mating Game

"And the Lord God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Genesis 2:18)

My husband and I were watching the television series called Planet Earth.  You may be familiar with it.  Videographers enter into some of the most intricate and untread parts of our planet and capture it on film.  This particular episode was about animals of the jungles.

How does this pertain to single ladies?  Well, I’m getting there…

One thing is for sure: you cannot help but witness the extravagant displays on this earth without standing in awe of the Creator himself.  God was so deliberate as he intimately wove the fabrics of this earth together, from animals to plants to human beings.  I believe that we can learn so much about life by getting a glimpse into His creation.

You see, as I was watching the dynamics of jungle birds mating in this particular episode, and as I listened to the commentator discuss the procedure- I couldn’t help but parallel these truths with our own human relationships.  In looking at birds, I wonder if we’ve somehow gotten it all backwards.

Let me give you a few of my observations:

1.  The first thing I noticed was that it was the male birds who were extravagant and ornate.  Bright and beautiful colors and patterns, lavish feathers of all shapes and sizes, loud and boisterous chirps and calls.  But the females, well, they were “modest” as the commentator pointed out.  Plain in their appearance.  Dull colors, quiet chirps.  They were out simply to be won, with no need to dress or impress.  They had an innate knowledge that they were valuable, and that they deserved great things.  And so they sat, quietly, waiting confidently for the pursuit. 

2.  The second thing I noticed was that the females were very picky.  Even with the bright colors and bold noises of the males, it would take "nothing short of an outstanding performance" for them to even have a shot with the highly valued females.  They would settle for nothing less than the best.  Nothing less than magnificence.

3.  The third thing I observed was that there was no desperation on the part of the female birds.  No need to make sure they got to the right place, were wearing the right feathers, or had the right body style.  They sat patiently, just where they were at.  They knew that in the end the males would find them because they were made to find them.  And in the end, it always worked out that way. 

I look at these standard in light of my past experiences.  I look at them in light of the experiences of countless women I meet every day in my counseling office.  I look at them in light of story after story of broken hearts and a desperate desire to be loved, to be valued. It seems as though our culture has really set us up for despair.

We live in a society that is completely opposed to this model of pursuit.  Call me old fashioned, but I am convinced that we’ve adapted a currency of value that has nothing to do with true love, and everything to do with sex appeal, fashion, and beauty. A culture that has fooled women into believing that they must earn the right to be loved.   A culture in which women have become the pursuers rather than the pursued...

...dancing around, ruffling our feathers, showing off our colors in the desperation of finding someone to love us- all the while trying to convince ourselves that we are worth being loved.  A culture of women no longer believing they have the right to be picky, but rather to, “take what you can get”.  A culture that has forgotten that they are worth remarkable, and that they are worth magnificent. 

As I reflect on these things I’m left with two prayers:

Women, may you be challenged to acknowledge and accept your true value in the eyes of your Creator.  May you be strengthened to settle for nothing less than seeing that level of worth in the eyes of the one who pursues you.  

Men, may you be challenged to become more and more magnificent and remarkable as you draw closer to the One who created you, relying on his sanctification at work in your life to produce in you this level of splendor. 

And may you then come together in the beautiful unity of relationships.  A beauty that reflects the majesty and the brilliance of our Creator. 

All the single ladies…be encouraged.

So You Think You Can Dance...For Others?

Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

I have a friend who is the most incredible encourager ever.  

Seriously.  No matter what kind of good things are going on in my life...whether as small as getting a new hair cut, or as huge as signing with an awesome literary agent- she totally rejoices.  She allows her heart to be captured by my emotions and by my life.  You can hear the excitement in her voice, and you can tell it's SO genuine.  Sometimes, I feel like she's about to break out in dance.  I joke with her that she's my biggest fan...and she has been ever since we were kids.  She really, truly rejoices when I rejoice.

I wish I could say the same about all of my friends...but I can't.  I actually have a category of people in my life who I CAN'T share good things with.  Fears of tension, jealousy, and the potential competitiveness that may creep into those conversations keeps me absolutely silent when good things are going on.  So I keep quiet.

As much as that bothers me and gives me the feeling that I can't truly be real...I totally get it, because I too have a bit of disgusting covetousness in me.  A pride that wants the good things for myself.  Why is it hard to hear the blessings in the lives of others?  Why is it sometimes easier to mourn with the people around us than to rejoice?

I don't know for sure...but from my experience in my own life, the dirty culprit comes down to nothing more dangerous than the plague of insecurity.  

Insecurity causes us to rise up in comparison to others rather than to celebrate ourselves.
Insecurity forces us to think we need to achieve, to have, to be in order to gain value.
Insecurity tricks us into believing that when others are have more...we have less.

It's an evil little creature, slithering about with the intent of killing our joy...and our ability to rejoice.

The ironic thing is that at the end of the disease of insecurity, we are robbed of rejoicing with others...but we are also stripped of our ability to rejoice in ourselves.  

I don't know about you, but I want to experience more joy.  I want to be the "biggest fan" to the people in my life.  I want my heart to flutter and rejoice in response to their blessings, to their successes, to their achievements.  I want to experience the joy that comes with feeling the joy in the lives of the people around me.    


Take inventory...how are you at rejoicing for others?  How deep does your joy run for the people around you, when God pours His blessing on them?  What feelings come to the surface when you are faced with the prosperity of the people in your life?

Don't be fooled, the inability to rejoice for others is a symptom of something far greater than a simple lack of emotion.

Ask Jesus to come into this part of your life. To fill you with value, worth, and a security beyond what you can try to scrape up for yourself.  To see the all-encompassing beauty of Him rejoicing over YOU...dancing over you...so that one day, you too, can learn to dance for others. 

Still Stuck on My Partner's Sexual Past: A Follow Up Letter to My Readers

Mark 11:25
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

I've gotten a lot of emails from readers in response to my latest article for Relevant Magazine addressing the topic of sexual history, particularly when it comes to your partner's past.

More than anything, the emails have been from broken and hurting individuals, struggling with their own personal pasts or trying to make sense of the past of their partners.  There's no question as to the pain and confusion that the issue of premarital sexual intimacy causes for couples young and old.  It breaks my heart to read their stories and feel their pain through the words of an email.

But the reason I love my faith in God is because it never has to end at needless pain.  There is always more to the story for those who believe.  There is always an exchange of some sort...from ashes, to beauty.  I'm a firm believer that God can heal a person's past, and that He can also heal the wounds that that past might cause in a relationship.   Not only heal, but cause it to thrive...

This particular blog post was requested with that concept in mind.  I recently got an email from a young man facing marital struggles in light of his sexual past, looking for some more guidance and direction in this area.  His spouse is struggling with his past, and they seem to be stuck.  What do you do when you are in a relationship in which your partner is hung up on your past?  How much time do you give to this struggle?  How many details do you go over, and how often?  Ho do you help them move forward?  Where does a couple draw the line?

This couple is not alone in their struggles.  I wish I could devote an entire book to this topic (and maybe I will, once I finish writing my current book...).  Unfortunately, this is a topic that a simple blog post cannot do justice.  But with that said, I'm going to leave you with three points that will begin paving the way for the possibility of healing to begin in your marital relationship:


1.  For the partner married to one with a past:  You are on a difficult journey, to be sure.  And as hard as it is to say, the only thing that will make this journey even more difficult is your personal insecurities.  I speak for myself when I say I personally have a whole lot of those!  The interesting thing is, that I find I am most hurt and grieved by the things that I already struggle with within myself.  


The article I wrote talked about having perspective and forgiveness...but in order to begin that process, we have to search our own demons of inadequacies and insecurities*.  Our partners past will haunt us if we allow these deadly little monsters to take root in our brains.  The more confident we are in our relationship with God and in our relationship with our spouse, the easier it will be to forgive and to begin healing. 


But this takes honesty.  Honesty with yourself and with your partner.  Search your heart.  Find those insecurities, and share them with your partner.  Rather than seeking out the nitty-gritty details to salvage the wounds of your personal insecurities, seek affirmation, love, and affection in times of need.  Those are what truly begin to heal the wounds.  It's important to be able to say, "Honey, I feel really insecure about your past right now, and I could really use some love and affirmation from you".  It's hard to be vulnerable, but it's the only place to gain true strength.  

And remember....no matter how incredible your mate, they can never fill you up in the way that Jesus can.  Run to Him first with all of your emotional needs...and allow your partner's offerings to be simply the overflow.

2.  To the one who holds a sexual past:  Be patient with your partner.  Be available.  Understand that the need to "know" about your past, is ultimately the need for love, affirmation, and affection.  Recognize this, and begin to speak into that part of their life by pouring our affirmation and validation. 

I don't think it's healthy to review your past again and again for the sake of affirmation...because rather than affirm, it may actually separate.  It's important to be honest, but once you have done so encourage your spouse to move forward by allowing your actions and your words to portray unconditional love and undying commitment.  In this situation, actions really will speak louder than words.  Gentleness, compassion, affection, self-control, respect, and romance...pour your love on them as your offering.   


You can't heal your partners insecurities, but you can support, love, and encourage them on their journey of healing. 


3.  To both of you: Communicate with one another.  Be honest about what you need and share your struggles with each other.  You are on this journey together, and you have the option of allowing these issues to separate you...but you also have every right to draw closer because of them.  


Seek God together in these matters...pray out loud for each other, and begin to share an intimacy with one another that is FAR beyond any "sexual encounter" in your past.  The greatest intimacy in life is found in this kind of emotional closeness...and when you share that with another, you have found something priceless.  Relish that, live for that...and choose to find it in each other.  


My prayers go out to all of you who are struggling with these issues.  May God teach us all to accept forgiveness upon ourselves as we learn to bestow that same forgiveness onto others.


*Be encouraged to seek professional counseling for any issues that seem to be effecting your life beyond what you can handle.  There are amazing counselors out there who are equipped to help.  Check out the AACC for a list of Christian Professionals in your area. 

I Heart Me: Loving Yourself

 

Mark 12:31

Love your neighbor as yourself.

From the beginning of time there has been a deficit of love in our world.  There has been a deficit of how man loves his God.  There has been a deficit of how man loves one another.  And there has also been a deficit of how man loves himself. 

For this reason, these five words hold such powerful insight into the human psyche.  The more I learn about the discipline of psychology, the more I am amazed with how well God knows His people.  There is proof of that knowledge within these words. 

The beauty of this verse is that with two words God is relaying a foundational truth that many times goes ignored: “As Yourself”.  You cannot love others, until you have learned to love yourself.  I meet so many Christians who struggle continually with this concept.  I meet Christians who have wrestled with the concept of loving themselves because their lives have been filled with self-denial, self-hatred and self-loathing.  Christians who have never been taught to love themselves.  Christians who mistakenly thought they had found some solace in the words of the Bible that taught them to deny their self, to put others before them, and to consider their selves as nothing.  There is tragedy in this type of degradation. 

This type of “denial” is a dangerous misconception.  Masking self-loathing with self-denial is a dangerous road.  Confusing humility with a lack of self worth causes more harm than good.  We are called to love ourselves, to enjoy how God has made us, to delight in our uniqueness, our value, and our worth.  God delights in us, and we also are to delight in who He has created us to be.  We are to love ourselves. 

You see, God is not calling us to deny who he has made us to be, but rather, who He has not made us to be.  To deny our sinful nature with its temptations and its downfalls.  To deny our selfishness and our stubbornness.  To deny our lust, our pride, our idolatry.  To deny the things that separate us from God.  And only those things.

Christians, we are called to love ourselves- just as God loves us.  We are called to delight in ourselves as He delights in us.  And when we do, we will find that gates to loving others have never been so easy to walk through.  We will find that loving others becomes so real, so genuine, and so complete.  We will find that in that beautiful exchange of love between our self and our God, we find the strength and motivation to exchange that same love with our neighbors. 

Lord, give us the ability to love ourselves as you love us- in order that we may then learn how to truly love others. 

What a Homeless Man, Me, and John Piper have in common:

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

I learn so much from my daughter.  This little 10 month old has so much to teach without even trying.  God uses her in so many ways to help me understand the things that He's been trying to teach me for, oh, about 28 years now.  


Last night my husband and I were praying together after we put her to bed.  When it was my turn to pray I found myself praying about her purpose.  I don't know where that came from, really, but the words just started spilling out of my mouth.  And as the words flowed from my mouth, the tears flowed from my eyes.  I realized that this is a topic that really strikes a cord for me.

Purpose.  You know, if you ask me, when it comes down to it I believe that's the one ingredient necessary for a healthy and meaningful life.  There is really nothing more important.  My prayer for this little girl is that she learns God's purpose for her life the moment she has the ability to understand what that even means. 

I want her to see that her purpose is so unique, so special, and so important.  I want her to understand that the God of this universe has a spotlight on her life and on her soul...she is His focus.  She is His love.  She is His life. 


I see so many teenagers and adults in my office that have never grasped their purpose.  They haven't even gotten a glimpse of it.  Not in their parent's eyes, not in the worlds eyes, and in turn, absolutely not in God's eyes.  For them, life is so broken, so painful, and so meaningless.  They don't understand that they have been created for significance.  They don't see that their life has indescribable value.  They don't fathom that God has plans for their life that are beyond what they could have ever hoped for.    

But, you see....that's the truth.  It's the God-honest truth.  It's the truth for my precious little baby, and it's the truth for my hurting clients.  It's the same truth for both the brilliant John Piper and for the homeless beggar that stands outside in the cold.  It's the same truth for you...and for me.

My prayer for you, precious reader- is that today, you catch a glimpse of His purpose.  Today, you see a glimmer of the great plans He has for your life.  Plans to give you hope.  Plans to give you a future.  Plans to take the joy that is in your life and use it for the encouragement of others.  Plans to take your seeds of suffering and pain and bring life to the dead world around you. 

Plans for you.  A purpose.  Will you receive it?

The Mirror on the Wall: On Value and Significance

Psalm 139:13-16
¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be. 

I met a young woman who was in search of significance.  Everyday she would live her life longing for acceptance from the people around her.  If she got it, she was determined to keep it, and would wake up the next morning and try to emulate everything she did the day before...in hopes that she would get it once again.  People are desperate for significance...longing to look in the mirror and see something meaningful looking back at them. 


One thing that I come face to face with every day as a professional counselor is this concept of value.  I am overwhelmed by the amount of people who I meet who are struggling with the basic concept that they are worth something.  Grown men and women, living their lives longing for someone to notice them, to touch them, to acknowledge them- in hopes that they will somehow make them feel that they are truly worth it.

I understand this struggle.  It resonates with me, because I too have a little part of me that seems to always be crying out, longing for someone or something to fill that little void, to remind me that I am significant.  I understand the need for validation, because it is a need that lives within me as well.   

And some days those interactions come.  Some days are good.  Some days we brush up against people who treasure us, who notice us, who love and cherish us.  It's easy to feel valuable on days like that, isn't it?  I know I leave those interactions feeling filled...temporarily anyway. That is the intrinsic problem with allowing our value to be based on those around us...

...Because other days are not so good.  Other days are filled with ridicule.  Other days I walk in a room and am ignored.  Other days my desire to be liked by all and loved by some feels like a passing dream.  Some days aren't so good.

For those of us who allow our value and worth to be determined by those around us- we find ourselves living on an emotional roller coaster.  We have no control over how our day will unfold, because our value is left in the hands of another.

We somehow allow ourselves to believe the lie that our worth lies in the eyes of the person standing in front of us- rather than believing that our value comes from the Person living inside of us.  

For those of us who believe, there is a kind of value that cannot be taken away.  A value that has nothing to do with who we are or what we do.  A value that lies only in the eyes of our Creator, a God who looks down on us and says three beautiful words "That is good". 

I love this verse, because I love the character of a God who "knit me together".  A God who was so purposeful in making me who I am.  A God who loved us so much that He made us in His own image...because just like a loving parent, He wanted to see His face in ours.   A God who calls us by name and writes our stories before we are even a thought.  I love the idea of a God who gives us value because of who He is rather than who we are...a value that always stays the same.

But I also understand the struggle to accept this significance from His hands.  Many of us are unable to receive this value because we are stuck on the "bad days".  The days when the voices around us lied...the days we were ignored, abused, and hurt.  The days when their voice was so loud- and His voice seemed so small.

May God give us the strength to tune in to His voice as the source and tune out all else.  May He help us reprogram our minds to see ourselves for who we really are.  May He give us the grace to heal from the wounds of our past and allow us to live in the purpose of our present.  May He give us the courage to look in the mirror and accept ourselves for who we really are: God's workmanship, wonderfully made.