Still Stuck on My Partner's Sexual Past: A Follow Up Letter to My Readers

Mark 11:25
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

I've gotten a lot of emails from readers in response to my latest article for Relevant Magazine addressing the topic of sexual history, particularly when it comes to your partner's past.

More than anything, the emails have been from broken and hurting individuals, struggling with their own personal pasts or trying to make sense of the past of their partners.  There's no question as to the pain and confusion that the issue of premarital sexual intimacy causes for couples young and old.  It breaks my heart to read their stories and feel their pain through the words of an email.

But the reason I love my faith in God is because it never has to end at needless pain.  There is always more to the story for those who believe.  There is always an exchange of some sort...from ashes, to beauty.  I'm a firm believer that God can heal a person's past, and that He can also heal the wounds that that past might cause in a relationship.   Not only heal, but cause it to thrive...

This particular blog post was requested with that concept in mind.  I recently got an email from a young man facing marital struggles in light of his sexual past, looking for some more guidance and direction in this area.  His spouse is struggling with his past, and they seem to be stuck.  What do you do when you are in a relationship in which your partner is hung up on your past?  How much time do you give to this struggle?  How many details do you go over, and how often?  Ho do you help them move forward?  Where does a couple draw the line?

This couple is not alone in their struggles.  I wish I could devote an entire book to this topic (and maybe I will, once I finish writing my current book...).  Unfortunately, this is a topic that a simple blog post cannot do justice.  But with that said, I'm going to leave you with three points that will begin paving the way for the possibility of healing to begin in your marital relationship:


1.  For the partner married to one with a past:  You are on a difficult journey, to be sure.  And as hard as it is to say, the only thing that will make this journey even more difficult is your personal insecurities.  I speak for myself when I say I personally have a whole lot of those!  The interesting thing is, that I find I am most hurt and grieved by the things that I already struggle with within myself.  


The article I wrote talked about having perspective and forgiveness...but in order to begin that process, we have to search our own demons of inadequacies and insecurities*.  Our partners past will haunt us if we allow these deadly little monsters to take root in our brains.  The more confident we are in our relationship with God and in our relationship with our spouse, the easier it will be to forgive and to begin healing. 


But this takes honesty.  Honesty with yourself and with your partner.  Search your heart.  Find those insecurities, and share them with your partner.  Rather than seeking out the nitty-gritty details to salvage the wounds of your personal insecurities, seek affirmation, love, and affection in times of need.  Those are what truly begin to heal the wounds.  It's important to be able to say, "Honey, I feel really insecure about your past right now, and I could really use some love and affirmation from you".  It's hard to be vulnerable, but it's the only place to gain true strength.  

And remember....no matter how incredible your mate, they can never fill you up in the way that Jesus can.  Run to Him first with all of your emotional needs...and allow your partner's offerings to be simply the overflow.

2.  To the one who holds a sexual past:  Be patient with your partner.  Be available.  Understand that the need to "know" about your past, is ultimately the need for love, affirmation, and affection.  Recognize this, and begin to speak into that part of their life by pouring our affirmation and validation. 

I don't think it's healthy to review your past again and again for the sake of affirmation...because rather than affirm, it may actually separate.  It's important to be honest, but once you have done so encourage your spouse to move forward by allowing your actions and your words to portray unconditional love and undying commitment.  In this situation, actions really will speak louder than words.  Gentleness, compassion, affection, self-control, respect, and romance...pour your love on them as your offering.   


You can't heal your partners insecurities, but you can support, love, and encourage them on their journey of healing. 


3.  To both of you: Communicate with one another.  Be honest about what you need and share your struggles with each other.  You are on this journey together, and you have the option of allowing these issues to separate you...but you also have every right to draw closer because of them.  


Seek God together in these matters...pray out loud for each other, and begin to share an intimacy with one another that is FAR beyond any "sexual encounter" in your past.  The greatest intimacy in life is found in this kind of emotional closeness...and when you share that with another, you have found something priceless.  Relish that, live for that...and choose to find it in each other.  


My prayers go out to all of you who are struggling with these issues.  May God teach us all to accept forgiveness upon ourselves as we learn to bestow that same forgiveness onto others.


*Be encouraged to seek professional counseling for any issues that seem to be effecting your life beyond what you can handle.  There are amazing counselors out there who are equipped to help.  Check out the AACC for a list of Christian Professionals in your area. 

I'm Thankful that Mercy is not for Pansies...

Luke 1:50
He shows mercy from generation to generation to all who fear him.

Matthew 5:7
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

A few weeks ago I attended my brother's church in Philly: Circle of Hope.  He spoke about the topic of mercy that day, and God has been bringing it to my mind ever since.   

What's the difference between grace and mercy someone might ask?  In my mind, grace is being given what we do not deserve, while mercy is being spared what we did deserve.  So many times in the Christian life we focus on what we have been given, but sacrifice the awareness of what we have been spared.

I've been camping out on these thoughts the past few weeks.  One of my favorite illustrations that my brother referred to was looking at the game of Mercy.  I'm sure we've all played it at one point or another as children.  Wikipedia defines it as this:

Two players face each other, holding their opponent's hands...On the word "go", each player attempts to bend back their opponent's hand and inflict pain by straining their wrist. When a player can no longer stand the pain they declare defeat by shouting "Mercy!"
The very fact that a game such as this was named "Mercy", reflects that we have an incredibly skewed idea of what it really means to be shown mercy.  The truth of the matter is the idea of Mercy is seen as something undesirable.  It's for the fragile and the weak, the those who can't handle the pain anymore.  Asking for mercy is taking a step down into the dark abode of shame and confessing that we don't have what it takes because at the end of the day, Mercy is for pansies.  

And sadly, for so many of us, we have taken that view of mercy into our own spirituality and allowed it to effect our relationship with God.  If mercy is for the weak, then who really wants it? 


It's time that we redefine what it really means to receive mercy.  

I think one of the reasons so many of us have a hard time really appreciating mercy is the fact that we really forget where we have come from.  Just like the parable of the man who was pardoned a huge debt and immediately went and tortured someone who owed him just a little bit.  He forgot where he had come from, and the mercy that had been granted him.  It makes me wonder if he ever REALLY accepted the mercy that was granted to him...because he walked away, and failed to live it out.  True mercy breeds mercy. 

For you see, it may take strength to show mercy....but it takes wisdom to accept it.  It takes a wise man to understand his need to be pardoned and make the choice to walk into that undeserved reward.  And for those who will take that risk, it will inevitably transform every part of who they are.

Mercy is not for pansies....it's for wise men.  It's for those who understand the miserable place that they were, and recognize the love of a God who chose to bring them into something greater.  Those who see the utter despair that God has pardoned them, and seek to live a life that pardons those around them. 

Today, I am thankful for Mercy.  I am reminded every so clearly of where I have come from and where I should have been...but here I am today.  Thank you Lord for your unrelenting mercy, give me the wisdom and the strength to live in such a way. Have mercy on me again, and again, and again. 

*What has God pardoned in your life?  Where might you have been otherwise?  Thank Him for his mercies today. 

Free to Forgive: If Joseph did it- so can you...

Genesis 45: 4-5; 15
"I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you...

...And he kissed all his brothers and wept over them. Afterward his brothers talked with him."

On our anniversary, my husband and I went to a show put on by Sight and Sound Theaters portraying the life of Joseph.  It was awesome, to say the least, and I highly recommend everyone taking the time to go see it.

There was something really special about seeing the life of this man in "real life".  It's easy to read through the story in Genesis and make light of the severity of experiences that Joseph lived through.

But beyond the severe dysfunction of Joseph's entire family, the betrayal by his brothers, being sold into slavery and totally disowned, and spending years of his life in jail...there was something glorious about the story of Joseph.  Sure, he had high points in his life as well - being second in command to Potiphar and Pharaoh, having all of Egypt at his fingertips, and being powerful beyond any man...his real moment of power came at the very end of the story.

His real moment of power came when he forgave.  You never consider the anguish that Joseph must have experienced when he finally saw his brothers again after years of isolation.  The betrayal, the pain, the rejection and the heartache that came with seeing their faces and hearing their voices.  You never consider the memories that must have come flooding back, and the feelings that he had managed to stuff away for years.

For Joseph, seeing his brothers again opened the flood gates of the pain in his past.  Pain that was so severe and unjust.  Pain that he had carried around for many years.  Pain that he was no longer willing to claim as his own.   

It's hard to wrap my brain around this kind of forgiveness.  Forgiveness that is not granted based on the merit of the one(s) receiving it.   Forgiveness that is not based on the abilities of the one releasing it.  It is forgiveness founded solely in a supernatural grace that Jesus Christ bestows upon his desperate children. 

He bestows it because he understands the salvation that comes when we are able to let go.  He bestows it because He knows how un-forgiveness can rot the soul and destroy the spirit.  He bestows it because he knows that ultimately, that is where freedom can be found.  He bestows it, because he too has been rejected, abandoned, forsaken and misunderstood...yet he forgave. 

It's true that unforgiveness is like an acid that destroys the container which harbors it.  It's easy to become that tight-sealed container, holding on to our bitterness for dear life.  But at the end of the day, for us to truly be men and women who are free- we must be willing to pour it out.  We must be willing to let go of the power that others have over our lives on account of our bitterness. 

Not because others are deserving of our forgiveness...but because we are undeserving of bitterness.  We deserve better than that.  We deserve freedom.  We deserve peace.  We deserve forgiveness. 

Lord, grant us the power to forgive. 

Hypocrisy:

So, I'm totally new to this whole blogging thing...as you may have noticed.  I think I can officially say I win the prize for the most bland-looking blog in America.  But, I guess you can't judge a book by it's cover.  All you real bloggers out there, feel free to offer some tips on jazzing up your blog :)  I figured out how to add a picture today...I'm proud of myself.  Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm going to be posting every single day (unless you people start commenting...is there life out there?? :) ...but, either way, there is one thing I want to share today. 

I've been camping out in the book of Zechariah lately.  It's one of those hidden treasures.  I think all the minor prophets are.  Books we forget about many times, but they are loaded with life changing truth.  So, I wrote this last night.  Hope it convicts you like it did me...

Hypocrisy
Zechariah 9:23
Let us go with you, because we have heard that God is with you.

Maybe you’ve noticed.  Maybe you haven’t.  Either way, one thing is clear- Christians today have a bad reputation.  I was in a group recently that was discussing the topic of the persecuted church.  We were conversing about the challenges that Scripture depicts Christians will face on account of their faith.  The reality is, there will be a day when we are persecuted for our faith, that is- our true faith…for some believers in parts of the eastern world- that day is already here.

Then one of the group members said something profound.  Something that has stuck with me ever since.  “The problem is that many Christians are being persecuted today…not because of their faith, but because of their lack of faith.  They’re hypocrites.  They bring it on themselves”.  That statement hasn’t left me.  In fact, from the moment it was uttered it’s been close to my thoughts.  One reason may be that it came from the mouth of an unbeliever, hardened and tainted by the experiences he’s had on account of “Christ-followers”.  Another reason may be that I see myself in that statement…lacking in faith, and many times a hypocrite in my actions and deep within my heart.

I’m saddened by this type of Christianity.  The type of Christianity that is filled with judgment, preconceived ideas, and prejudice.  The type of Christianity that is bloated with pride, allowing the failures and inadequacies of others to become a breeding ground for condemnation.  The type of Christianity which pushes others away and leaves a bad taste in the mouth of unbelievers.  The type of Christian that grieves the heart of Christ.

Instead, I want to be the type of Christian in sync with the words of this verse.  The type of Christian that people are instantly drawn to because of the clear Presence of God in my life. The type of Christian who is a safe place from the scoffs and scorns of this harsh world.  The type of Christian who exudes a love beyond all other loves, offers healing to the broken hearted, and wipes the tears of those who mourn.  The type of Christian who’s reputation goes before him, paving the way for the glory of our Lord.   A Christian who’s life is evidence of one thing and one thing alone.  A Christianity which causes nonbelievers to pause and proclaim, “Let us go with you, because we have heard that God is with you”.

Christians, may we come to terms with the reality of our sometimes blatant, sometimes subtle hypocrisy.  May we come begging for forgiveness from the ones who we have harmed with our carelessness.  May we learn to lay down our masks of religion, instead learning the art of intimate relationship through Christ.  May we live a life that exemplifies to the world that truly, our God is with us.  And in the end, may they go with us.

Lord, forgive us for our hypocrisy.  Teach us to live our lives worthy of your Presence.  Teach us to lead others to you.