My New Blog: www.truelovedates.com

As some of you may have noticed, my posts over the last year have evolved from devotionals into articles about love, marriage, dating and relationships in general.  This has always been a passion of mine and I am so thankful that I  have been blessed with the incredibly opportunity to publish a book with Zondervan publishing company, writing about the things I love.  

My new book, True Love Dates, is a unique book about dating and relationships- challenging young singles to pursue relationships in a psychologically sound and spiritually healthy way.  It's written from a counselor's perspective and offers sound advice based on my experience as a professional counselor, my personal love story, and hundreds of real-life examples from couples all across the world.

In preparation to release this book in October, I wanted to let you, my readers, know that I am going to be committing my full energy to blogging and writing at my new website- www.truelovedates.com

God has been nudging me in this direction for quite sometime now regarding the things I write about, and it's time I make the full plunge.  I appreciate how far you have come with through this humble little blog, and I have been so encouraged by your emails, messages, and questions that you have sent my way.  Thank you for keeping me going!

I would love all of you who have been blessed by my writing to join me in sharing the message that relationships can be done right...and that God has a way that is so, so good.  

Please visit www.truelovedates.com, subscribe, tweet, Facebook, like and share- and become a part of a community that is challenging this generation to adapt healthy lifestyles and in turn, healthy relationships.  Here's to an exciting journey ahead!

Marry More Than a Lover:

Genesis 2:18
I will make a helper suitable for him...

I used to believe that true love was all about the romance.  I remember the late nights coming home after a date and exclaiming to my roommates: "He paid for dinner, he opened the car door, and he even gave me his jacket when I was cold!"  Its funny how fixated I was on things that...15 years later...have very little meaning in my actual life and marriage.

Don't get me wrong, I think there's a really important place for romance and chivalry.  I love when my husband opens the car door for me or brings me flowers home spontaneously.  But it's important to remember that romance is not what creates a healthy marriage, rather, it is simply the overflow of a healthy marriage. 

In marriage, you are marrying far more than a lover.  You are marrying a coworker, a teammate, and a friend.  God knew this when he told Adam that he was going to make a helper suitable for him.  He could have used so many other words to describe Eve.  He could have called her a lover, a trophy wife, or a beauty queen.  I'm sure for Adam, there was nothing more attractive then when he laid his eyes on Eve.  But in God's mind, Eve's role went far beyond the role of a lover...

A healthy marriage is so much more than romance....

Don't give in to the culture of Hollywood that fills your brain with the lies that love is this explosive chemical reaction between two people.  Real love is so much more than that.  A love that lasts a lifetime is built on the give and take between two people every day for as long as they live.

Yes, it involves flowers, and chocolates, and romance...but it's made up of so much more.  Far deeper than the fleeting pleasures of passion, is the unconditional love of sacrifice:

I look at my life and the things that speak love to me are not just found in the ribbons and roses but in the role my husband has as my helper, my friend, and my partner.  Real love is shown through the everyday actions that we exchange in our real everyday lives. In talking about this concept just the other day, my husband and I each made a list of what real love looked like to us in just the past few weeks: 


My List:
Cleaning up the dishes and scrubbing the pots and pans after dinner (God knows how much I hate those pots and pans).
Taking a break from studying just to sit and chat with me about the day.
Taking out the trash.  
Cleaning the ice off my car in crazy cold weather.
Watching the kids just so I could take a nap.
Keeping me laughing with his jokes no matter what's going on around us. 
Taking an interest in all the details of my life- from what I had for lunch to my latest article.   

His List:  
Getting up in the middle of the night with a crying baby.
Having dinner ready- my wife's an awesome cook!
Encouraging me when I feel down or discouraged.
Baking me five dozen cookies when I had to bring them in for work- forgot to mention, I gave her one day's notice!
Dropping by to visit me for lunch. 
Taking an active role in things I'm not good at (documenting the kids lives via pictures, responding to emails and phonecalls, buying gifts and sending thankyou cards, etc.)

Don't let the fog of romance cloud your perspective.

Marry a lover- but marry so much more than that.  Marry a coworker, a teammate, a partner, a helper and a friend.  

**If you're married, please share a comment with our readers: What has true love looked like for you this week?
**If you're single, what are your thoughts on this idea?

Loves Me, or Loves Me Not?

1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

After one of my relationship talks I was approached by a beautiful young woman.  She wanted to share her story and seek out some advice about a dating situation she found herself in.

She had met this great guy through their church's young adult group.  He was handsome, funny, and had lots of charisma.  He was one of those guys that was just so easy to like.  They started spending more and more time together and began forming what seemed to be a dating relationship.  They would call each other, text each other, and even get together outside of church for coffee or dinner.  Fast forward two months later...

....something happened.  Out of nowhere, and all of a sudden, he seemed to back off, cold turkey.  No warning signs, no explanation, no heart to heart discussion.  She continued to try to call and text him, but it seemed that he wasn't reciprocating.  She continues to try, to pursue, and to try to reconnect.  She wonders maybe if he is just too busy?  Forgetful?  Scared?  But either way, her heart is stuck on him, and she needs direction. 

What should she do?

When I hear stories like this I have to simultaneous reactions that go off inside of me.  First, I feel empathy.  I look at this beautiful girl, with so much to give, and I look into her sad eyes and feel her pain, her hurt, and her rejection.  She wants to love and be loved so badly.  She wants to make it happen in her life.  She is just waiting to find that one to call her own.  I get that. I've been there.  It's hard when you're in the mess of dating to see beyond the pain of the moment. 

So first and foremost, I feel empathy (let's not forget that...).  Because secondly, I cringe!!! I just want to grab her shoulders and shake some sense into her!  I want her to see how she is making herself look from the outside looking in.  I want her to realize that she is trying so hard to keep something alive that would otherwise die if it was left alone.  I want her to come to the conclusion that simply said, he loves her NOT.  Because real love looks so, so different than that.  

I meet young men and women all the time that portray themselves as desperate by the way they act and react.  Trying so hard to find love.  Trying to hard to make it happen.  Finding excuse after excuse to keep going back to a relationship that does not reflect love in any way shape or form.  One-sided, non -reciprocated, hard-to-get relationships.  Let me just say it clearly- these kind of relationships are SO NOT WORTH THE INVESTMENT!

All over the scriptures God talks about reciprocal relationships.  Healthy relationships with two individuals that edify and build each other up.  There are always TWO people involved in the process.  Two people that are interacting, engaging, giving.  Two people that are encouraging, investing, and supporting one another.  This is how the body of Christ is supposed to look, and even more specifically speaking- this is how a marriage is supposed to look.  "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ..."

Dating relationships, should also be reciprocal.  Two people involved. Two people invested.  Two people pursuing and being pursed.  Two people committing, caring, and communicating.  Two people who are putting in the same amount, and receiving even more...

Why do we allow ourselves to settle for less?  Why do we find ourselves in relationships in which we are doing all the work to keep it alive?  It's time to put in the hard work, but then to trust that we are also worth being worked hard for.  We deserve to be loved just as we are giving love, and in romantic relationships, this is how God intended it to be.  Two people, building, edifying, encouraging, and investing in one another. 

Wait for that, because anything less is truly...not worth the wait.  Nor will it ever be. 

Why It's So Hard to Love Yourself- and How to Start:

Mark 12:31
Love your neighbor as you love yourself.

I tweeted a message asking "Why do you think God asks us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves?"

One young woman tweeted back saying:
"I hope He calls us to love our neighbor as HE loves us...b/c sometimes,  I don't love myself very much".

Her answer to my question made me stop and think.  From what I've seen and experienced, this young woman is not alone in her struggles.  Hundreds of people that I have met, counseled, or befriended- all struggling with the same thing.   

Why is it so hard to love yourself?

I heard a talk the other day about self-worth.  The speaker was saying that it's almost as though we are born into a world in which we are constantly getting labels slapped onto us by others.  Our parents, our friends, our family, and people that we don't even know.  Each person from the outside looking in coming up with their label to put on us.  Some are kind, some are true...but so many of them are lies.  Negativity.  Hurt. Judgment. Misunderstanding.  Labels, slapped onto us without our permission.  And sometimes, we carry them so long that we believe what they say.    Sometimes, we allow them to define us.

I think sometimes it is so hard to love ourselves...because we have believed what the labels have been telling us.   

The truth is, God came to rip off all the labels that have been placed upon us, and start teaching us the truth about who we are- who He has made us to be.

When we acknowledge His love for us, we get the opportunity to take off all the labels and start from scratch.  If you back up one verse, Mark 12:30 is an essential starting point to learning how to love ourselves.  In it, God calls us to love Him fiercely, with all that we are:

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'

When we are in focused relationship with God, loving Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength- every part of us is open to learning and experiencing His view of us.  We are exposed to His way of thinking and feeling and His definitions of us begins to sink in.  His labels begin to take priority.  We become surrounded by His love for us, and it begins to permeate into our hearts as well.  And eventually, surrounded by such a relentless love- it begins to rub off.  We slowly learn that He thinks we are worth it.  We slowly believe that maybe we are worth it.  We finally begin to love ourselves...because He has first loved us.

And then finally, when we have really learned to love ourselves, we are opened up to the true meaning of loving others.

Love must always start with us.  Because in order to give out love, we must first possess it. 

I'm thankful for a God who pours His love on me, teaching me to love myself as He loves me, so that I am ultimately freed to love others.

It's time to rip off all the labels.  It's time to be freed to really love.  

  

4 Ways to Radically Change your Relationships in 2013:

Luke 10:27
"He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’^[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

I've noticed something pretty disconcerting.  I'm not as focused as I used to be on the things that matter most.

Surrounded by cell phones, technology, noise, and social media- sometimes it's easier to get distracted by what's going on "out there" rather than to stay focused on the here and now.  In a culture that seems so wrapped up in self-gratification and promotion, it's been easy to place my focus on myself and totally forget about my neighbor, my friends, my family.  The people that mean the most to me.    

I'm challenged as I enter into this new year, to get my focus back on where it belongs- loving God and loving others. There's nothing on earth more meaningful than that. I think I've begun to lose sight of that goal somewhere along the way.  I've been contemplating of how to bring back my focus.  Not just to hope for it, but to actually do it.  It's time for a change in my relational world.  Here are some ways I hope to get my heart back on track:

1.  Talk Less, Listen more:  I don't know about you, but I've found myself at times falling into the trap of the "Facebook mentality".  What I mean by that is an attitude that is all about self-promotion.  Putting yourself on display for all to see.  I've found that attitude slowly seeping into my relationship.  The symptoms are subtle, but they are dangerous.  It's an attitude that seeks to talk more than it seeks to listen, that longs to be known more than it longs to know.  This has been the downfall of some of my relationships this year, and I want to be deliberate about changing that.  I want to learn to be a person that talks less, and listens more.  A person that is interested in the people around me, more than interested in their interest in me.  I want to be "others-focused", and I believe that starts with letting them take the spotlight.   

2.  Ask more Questions:  I have a friend who asks a lot of questions.  I mean, tons.  When she connects with someone, she wants to know everything about them, what they've been up to, and what they are passionate about.  Talking to her almost feels like being interviewed on Oprah.  Now, though I think that can be a little much at times, I think she is really onto something.  Her heart is in the right place because it is others-focused.  She wants to ask questions because she wants to know people.  I want to do that to.  I want to make others feel important, and do my part in getting to know them.  I want to ask more questions this year, and be sure to hear the answers.   

3.  Offer encouragement:  I must admit, this is one that I really want to get better at.  It's not natural for me to offer encouragement, because it's not something that I grew up with consistently.  Our family was one that spoke through actions, not necessarily with words.  But you know, words are so important, and they are an important part of loving and being loved.  They nourish, strengthen, and grow relationships faster than many other things can.  Encouragement takes you out of self-centeredness and into a life that is fixed on others.  Find something valuable in someone, and then tell them about it.  God promises that those who seek to bless others will find that they are the ones who are ultimately blessed. 

4.  Stay in the moment:  I got an email from a young women who was telling me about a gathering she had experienced at which every single person was occupied by their phones.  Texting, tweeting, googling and instagram-ing...there was always something to check, someone to update, or some information to find out.  It's hard to live in the moment in a society that is calling us out of the moment.  In a culture that has created for us a "matrix-like" world, filled with false connection, false intimacy, and false pride.  In a world where we gain power by a click of a button.  But in exchange for this false sense of control, glory, and value...we are missing the present.  We are missing the moment.  We are distracted by things that have not earned our attention, while surrounded by people who are deserving of our it. Our families, our spouses, our children, our friends.  Our neighbors, our communities, and even the strangers that may come our way.  Sacred moments...have become secondary.  It's time to take these moments back.  It's time to enjoy them, savor them, and experience them.  It's time to live in the moment. 

A new year brings new opportunities.  New chances to connect, to love, and to focus.  New moments to learn how to live fully, and love practically. 

Here's to 2013.  May it be the best year our relationships have ever seen! 

What Love really means:

[Love] is not self-seeking...

"Have you ever said, 'I love oranges?' Exactly what do you mean by that?  You are actually saying oranges do something for me.  But after you have squeezed everything you like out of the orange you will throw away the peelings... Biblical love is not getting all you can from another person but giving all you can."

I read this quote today, reminding me of the true meaning of love.

Real love is a love that gives.  Selfish love is one that takes.

Take some time to really consider your relationships and your understanding of love.

What do you do when you reach a point in which you are no longer receiving?  No longer feeling?  No longer enjoying?  What happens then?

Since when has our definition of love shifted from the biblical act of giving to the selfish act of receiving?  Since when are we focused on getting instead of offering?  Taking instead of sacrificing?

Lets learn to truly love.

Should relationships be this complicated?

Romans 12:16
Live in harmony with one another.

What is up with dating being so complicated these days? I understand that we are complex human beings by design...but was it ever supposed to come to this?

I receive hundreds of emails from young men and women who have read my articles and posts...and who all have one thing in common- they are looking for love.  While I love hearing from people and helping in any way that I can, I find myself amazed by the complications and baggage that are often associated with dating relationships.

As an outsider looking in- after reading a 10 page email or hearing a story filled with break ups, lack of boundaries, hurt, pain, and confusion...it's easy to see that things are not as they should be.  Relationships are hard work, but they should never be damaging, confusing, or wounding.  They should never emit constant conflict, chaos, and catastrophe. 

Right relationships were meant to be healing, to bring hope...and to embody harmony. 

But sometimes it's harder to see these things from the inside looking out. 

You see, Jesus calls us to live in harmony with one another.  It's easy to consider harmony as we interact and relate to the world around us, but why do so many people fail to see the need for harmony in their own personal relationships?  If we are called to harmony with the world, how much more to the intimate relationships that we're involved in.

Take a look at your dating life and ask yourself what it reflects.  Does it reflect chaos, or harmony?  Joy, or pain?  Growth or paralysis? 

If you answered the latter, maybe its' time to consider a change.

Because Dating was never meant to be so complicated...and if it's complicated now...it will be complicated unhappily, ever after...

The only way to Love better...

 [August 2006: Philadelphia, PA. Shortly after my arrival back from Egypt, and one month before we would be officially engaged!]

June 9th, 2006

Exactly one year before John and I were to be married. 

But believe it not, though we felt the closest we'd ever felt to one another emotionally, geographically- we were thousands of miles away.

Instead of spending my summer with my boyfriend...I was on a mission trip in Egypt that summer; following through with a commitment I had made to Jesus long before we had ever met.  A commitment to love God more, to serve the poor and needy, and to do my earthly best to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  John was taking a course, studying 18 hours a day intensively for what he thought may be his only chance at entering med school and fulfilling God's calling on his life to become a doctor.  His one chance at literally being able to make "the blind see".    

There is no doubt about it, June 9th, 2006 found us both in a really good place.  A place of obedience.  A place of focus.  A place of faith.   

A place where more than ever before our hearts were hidden in the heart of Jesus.  Reading through my journals today was such an incredible reminder to me of the reason why John and I are so in love:

Our love has always been founded in Something Greater than ourselves. 

That day I wrote:

"God is stretching is both...reminding us that we are working primarily for our union with Adonai...all else will follow, and must only follow...

Lord, Thy will be done."

It's easy to forget the glue that binds us together.  In fact, looking back at the times we have struggled most in our marriage the root of the problem always leads to our forgetfulness.  

Forgetfulness- forgetting that God is the Source.  That from Him, by Him, and to Him come all things.  Forgetfulness that in Him do all things hold together. 

When we forget...when we wander...we become self-absorbed...we become self-focused...we stray from the source of True Love, and our marriage is so subtly pulled apart.

I'm reminded of this truth today, because with the hustle and bustle of life I feel that I am personally starting to go down the path of forgetfulness.  These days, I have not acknowledged the Love of my Life and given Him his rightful place in my heart.  I have failed to run to Him to fill me up with more love, more grace, and more forgiveness.  I've been distracted by the things He has "called me to" and failed to remember that more than all of these things:

I am called to Him.

This is where it all began.  This is where it all must remain. 

My life has never been more satisfying, through singleness, through dating, or through marriage- as when I find that I am most satisfied in Him, most intimate with the Lord of my life.  To be in God's presence is to be forced into the overflow of all that is good...and in turn, be able to emit those very good things to the world around us. 

Maybe I have been trying to do too much by myself.  Maybe I have been trying to love on my own...

It's time to remember what holds all things together.  It's time to recall what binds my heart, mind, and heart in steadfastness.  It's time to remember my FIRST love...because therein lies the only answer to be able love at all.

"When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest t all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed bu increased."--C.S. Lewis

Are you in love, or just in need?

1 John 4:18
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..."

I was having a conversation today about the stark difference of being in love and being in need.  When you really get down to the roots of each kind of love, they are unmistakably polar opposites, although from the outside in they may appear the same. 

There are many who believe that they have fallen in love, only to realize that this love is purely based on need.  A need to be wanted, to be valued, to be affirmed.  A need to be taken care of, to be nurtured, to be safe.  Need-love drives you toward another out of your disparity.  It binds you together by its codependency and unites you in its fear.  It takes two empty people, and fools them into thinking that they can fill one another up.  But in the end, fulfillment never comes.  In the end, their desperate needs cause them to feel more and more depleted.  In the end, their needs grow even greater in the shadow of a false and dying love.   

True love is never based on need, it is birthed out of covenant.  It is founded in commitment.  It's a love that speaks permanence and unconditional positive regard because it's a love that is based on choice.  It loves even when it doesn't feel like loving, and gives until it can give no more.  It loves the one before it because of who they are, yet continues to love because of who it is.  It is an unrelenting, passionate, fierce and growing love that simply loves for the sake of loving...a love that loves to love, rather than a love that loves to be loved. 

It is a love that offers something not a love that only takes. 

It is a love that wants nothing from the other but the opportunity to love them better.

True love is a reflection of a God who truly loved...completely, wholly, perfectly.

But it is a love that can be found here on earth, in glimpses, in moments...moments of sheer bliss, utter selflessness.  It is a love that reminds us of the Source of our perfect love.  And points us back to Him for more.  The Perfect love that casts out all fears, all doubts, and all needs. 

Because only in Him can our needs be met...and only then, are we free to truly love...

Lord, help me to love in this way...

One Sign of True Love: Transparency

Song of Solomon 8:7
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. 

"You're boring!"

The commercial on T.V. started off by showing a young woman telling her boyfriend that he was...boring. 

In comes credit card advertisement with the solution.

You don't have to be boring anymore!  The next few scenes portray the young man living it up with his credit card rewards, no longer the boring man he used to be.  All to win back the heart of the witch who just stomped on it.

Really?  I mean....really?

Commercials like this absolutely kill me.  Not so much of the ridiculous content that they advertise, but more so, because they reflect the heart of our culture.  A culture so afraid of rejection, afraid to be singled out, and so utterly desperate just to fit in.  No matter the cost. 

A culture willing to bend and fit into any mold, if only to be loved and accepted, if only to be valued.

It breaks my heart to see this theme resonating on T.V., but even more so in the world around me.  Young people I hear from every day through emails, over phone conversations, at talks, and in sessions...longing to be loved, willing to give up everything...even their very self.

One thing I love about my dating relationship with John is that we were always real with each other.  Never trying to be something or someone we were not.  We both believed with all our hearts that one of the keys to finding true love was in being real.  When the person standing before you is completely transparent...you know your love is based on truth, because it's founded on what is actually there...rather than what you wish, hope, or dream could be there.

There were so many things about me that John loved, things I never imagined someone could ever love.  My clammy hands.  My frizzy curls.  My need to have deep conversations all hours of the day and night.  But those were the things that made me...me...and that is what he fell in love with.   He loved me for who I was, not for who he wanted me to be.  And for the rest of our lives in marriage...I am freed to be myself.  Completely, wholly, and transparently me.

Why settle for a relationship in which you are asked to be someone you are not?  Why settle for hiding the parts of you that make you transparent, real, and authentically you.  Why become someone else to find love, when true love can find you...just for being you.  A love that cannot be quenched, a love that can never be washed away. 

Embrace your God-created self.  Every part of it. From your body type, to your spirituality.  From your emotional temperament to your silly quirks.  From your convictions to your hobbies.  It's okay to be real...because, though you risk rejection...it's the only way that you can experience true and complete love.

And that kind of love....is priceless.  

Reclaiming Identity: What's Your Measuring Stick?

I wrote an article for Relevant about 5 Things I Wish I'd Known About Dating, that flooded my inbox with reader emails.  It was awesome to see how many young people connected with the myths I had struggled with through my dating years.

But one thing in particular that kept coming up again and again in my emails was the question about Identity in Christ.  In the article, I briefly mentioned the idea that your beliefs about yourself have a great impact on the kind of person you will end up with, and how you must learn to change your beliefs about yourself and root your identity in Christ.

I don't think any Christian would disagree with this idea of finding our identity in Jesus...but what does that actually look like?  More than anything else, the emails I received were asking that same question. 

This isn't an easy topic, and I don't think one blog post has the ability to do it justice (though I am working on an entire chapter about this in my book...even then I think I could turn this single topic into an entire book series!).  But I want to take a moment to address two parts to what finding identity in Christ has meant in my personal life.

1. Acknowledging my measuring stick:  A few years ago a good friend of mine used this term "measuring stick" and it has stuck in my mind ever since.  What is your measuring stick?  What is it that you measure yourself against to determine your value, your purpose, and your worth?  Is it friendships?  The approval of your parents?  Relationship Status?  Is it your job, your grades, or your accomplishments?  Your athletic abilities, talents, or physical appearance?  There are so many things that we can measure ourselves by...and that we do measure ourselves by each and every single day whether we are aware of them or not.  

But the problem with rooting our identity in these things is that they come and they go.  Their presence in our lives is inconsistent and always changing.  When my identity is grounded in my relationships, what happens when those relationships change?  When it is in my appearance, how beautiful, skinny, and fit is enough?  When it is in my accomplishments, what happens when I fail? 

Life can be a roller coaster of emotions when these things are our gauge.  Our identity suffers instability and insecurities measured up against such volatile things. 

2.  A new set of standards: Each and every day I have to wake up and replace my old measuring stick with my new one.  Rather than constantly living for who I want to be, I have learned to fix my eyes onto who I already am...according to my identity in Christ.  The identity He has set for me.  The identity He has created while I was just in the womb (Psalm 139). 

I have to take the old beliefs and measure them up to these higher standards.  God's word is filled with truths about who we are in Him, and it takes a lot of practice to start believing those truths, especially when we've been believing lies our whole lives.  Here are just some of the truths that have really helped me:

1. I am God's child- John 1:12
2.  I am Christ's friend: John 15:15
3.  I am noticed: Psalm 139
4.  God has good plans for my life: Jeremiah 29:11
5.  I am forgiven: Ephesians 1:8
6.  God has chosen me: Colossians 3:12
7.  I have purpose: Psalm 138:8
8. I am God's creative expression: Ephesians 2:10
9. I belong to God: 1 Peter 2:9
10. I am loved: 1 John 3:1

This is truth.  This is the measuring stick upon which our lives should be set.  Scripture is filled with thoughts and ideas about who we are and what it means to place our identity in Christ for those who are seeking.  It takes hard work to reclaim our identities from the enemy.  For some, it's a daily struggle...

But we will live out the kind of life that we believe we deserve.  And according to God's word...by His grace and because of His mercy, we deserve a whole lot.  Exchange your measuring stick for His.  Reclaim your identity...Rooted in Christ...Founded in truth.  

5 Lies I wish I'd known while Dating:

Oh, the things I would change if I could go back in time.  I'm sure we've all felt that way at some point or another.  For me in particular, the whole area of love and relationships is one that I wish I could go back and "tweek".  There was so much that I wish I would have known, so much I wish I could have done differently, so many lies I wish I wouldn't have believed.  But I can't go back...and you know what, that's okay.

Because through the process of finding true love I've learned a lot.  My eyes have been opened to a lot of the beliefs that hindered me through my dating years and through that process have been able to encourage others.  The following myths have done a lot of harm in the lives of many young adults, mine included.  Let me tell you what I've learned:   

1.  If you're too picky you'll never get married:  A while back (and I'm talking...a long while back), I had a dozen roses shipped to my house by a guy who had taken an interest in me.  Not sure if it was my frizzy hair or bad make-up that attracted him (you ever look back at those pictures and wonder how you ever walked out of the house looking like that :)  Anyway, it was a sweet gesture from a decent young man, but to be frank, I wasn't interested.  Thankfully, I was at a healthy place in life and it didn't take long for me to know that he wasn't the right fit for me. So, rather than prolong the whole thing, I told him. 

I'll never forget this day, because at the end of the conversation he made sure to tell me that I would be an old maid some day with how picky I was about dating.  Now granted, he may have spoken out of his disappointment, but the truth is, he isn't the first person who said that to me during my dating years.  I can count numerous men and women who have uttered those words in my presence, whether geared toward me or someone I know.  People I love and trusted, who really believed that you could miss out on marriage by being too choosy.  Seriously?  Since when is taking the time to make the biggest decision you will ever make in your life considered picky?

Looking back, they were ALL wrong- and I'm thankful for it.  I am so glad I didn't settle, and waited for God to send me the man who is not perfect....but perfect for me.  He's the right fit, and I knew it in my heart more and more each day as we dated.  It was natural, it was easy, it was for real.  Don't let yourself believe this lie, and trust your heart.  Because marriage is a decision you live with for the rest of your life.


2.  You should only date towards marriage:  I used to be a firm believer of this.  You know, the days of reading books about "courtship" and "kissing dating goodbye".  But, eventually, my misinterpretation of it got me in trouble.

There was a season in my life that I really looked down on the concept of "dating around" and thought that if I was going to date someone, I better be pretty darn sure I was going to marry them in the end.  Because ultimately, that's the goal, right?

But deep down, the fear of failing in a relationship was actually driving me...and the fear of failure can be a very paralyzing thing.  For me, it paralyzed me into staying in a relationship that I knew wasn't right for me...for far too long.  Just because I was afraid to fail.

Looking back, I see failure after failure in my relationship history.  But I still see God's hand all over my past.  He comforted me, guided me, stretched me, and taught me more than I realized then.  So even when relationships don't work out in the end, it's not simply failure.  Sometimes, it's fate, freedom, and a future that's far beyond your scope in the here and now. 

3.  All the "good ones" are already taken:  Some people fall on the totally opposite end of being "too picky".  I've had the unfortunate opportunity to interact with men and women dating some pretty unqualified - that's an understatement- individuals...all because they think it's the best they can get.

People tend to end up with someone who they believe they deserve..and sadly, for some people, their view of themselves causes them to think they deserve very little.

I look back at some of the people I invested in, and see a sad reflection of the view I had of myself.  I'm thankful that God slowly transformed that view, allowing me to believe I deserve...not just good, but the best.

Change your beliefs about yourself...and then wait for the best.       

4.  Getting into a dating relationship will "ruin" your friendship:  This phrase is used to often in the dating world, but now that I'm married, I don't even really know what that means.  Here are some thoughts I have about this phrase:

You're supposed to marry your best friend.  Someone you connect with deeply on an emotional, spiritual, social and physical level.  A friend who you can laugh with, talk to til 4am, and cry with...but also have the freedom to do absolutely nothing with.  So, if you have that with someone of the opposite sex...maybe the friendship is the first step of something bigger.  That's the best case scenario.

Worst case scenario, a friendship doesn't ever blossom into the stage of romantic feelings...and the friendship changes.  In my opinion, that's still a good thing.

Let me explain.  When I got married, the friendships I had with the opposite sex changed drastically anyway.  When he became my priority, I had to guard my marriage by setting up boundaries with guys...and distancing myself to an extent.  They were no longer carrying the role they used to carry, because they were not my husband.  He was the only man that was to carry certain roles in my life.  So like it or not, your friendships with the opposite sex will always change...either now, or later when you meet your soul mate.  The deep friendship you have with your spouse should never be shared with someone else.  If your friendship changes now...it's less you have to deal with later.   

5.  Marriage will solve your dating problems:  I meet people all the time who think the issues and arguments that keep tripping them up in dating will magically disappear when they are married.

But for some reason this rule is never applied to other things in life.  Things are what they are, and we expect them to stay that way.  "It is what it is" has never been more accurate than it is in the world of dating.

When I meet with couples in marriage counseling, so much of the time the things that they are dealing with, the traits are driving them crazy, the habits that they can't seem to get control of are all things that began to take root even in their dating years.  Things they ignored, things they wished away, things they made excuses for.  Fast forward 5, 10, 15 years and these things are magnified more than ever.  Marriage is the pressure cooker that brings them to the surface. 

So, don't rush marriage as the solution, but seek to find the solutions in your dating relationship- if a solution is to be found, it will be there.  Because at the end of the day, "it is what it is".  So make sure it's good.

Dating is a great season to get to know yourself and to experience relationships with others in hopes of finding true love.  Don't let these lies hold you back, but strive to achieve a healthy perspective.  Trust God first and then trust your heart.  The truth will be right around the corner. 

 

Real Relationships: How Deep Are You? Three Levels of Communication

Proverbs 24:26
An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.

Communication...

It's a pretty big deal to most people and one that I've received a lot of questions about.  It's essentially what relationships are made of- but ironically, it's the one thing many people have no idea how to do.

I once read an article by my good friend and coworker Steve, describing levels of communication.  I loved it so much that I use my own form of this model in a lot of my counseling appointments. 

You see, to every relationship there will always be the potential for three levels of communication. 

Level 1- Facts:  This is the by far the easiest level.  It's the form of communication that focuses in on the facts, and zooms out on the self.  It's one that is so basic that it can involve even a complete stranger.  "What's the weather like outside?"  "What did you do today?"  "Who won last night's game"  It comes in the form of superficial facts- the who, what, where, when, and why's of your life.  No vulnerability, no depth, just facts. 

Level 2- Ideas: Level 2 takes you a little deeper.  It's a little more of you involved in the conversation because it acknowledges your opinions and your ideas.  Your likes and dislikes.  It's a little harder to engage in this kind of communication, unless you feel some sort of power within a relationship.  Because in level 2, you are letting down your guard just a tiny bit more.  Instead of just talking about last night's score, you talk share about your favorite team.  Instead of just telling the facts about your day, you share your hopes and dreams for tomorrow.   

Level 3- Feelings:   I think this is my favorite level.  It makes sense though.  As a counselor, I find myself engaging in level 3 hour upon hour with my clients and their families.  Level 3 is the deepest level, digging right into the heart.  It's the part of communication that digs through the surface of level 1, and then burrows into the depths of level 2 until it finds it's way to the most vulnerable place of all.  It takes a lot to identify and acknowledge feelings.  And it takes even more to share them.  Fear, embarrassment, insecurity.  Joy, excitement, surprise.  Sadness, anger, and hurt. 

This is the level that most relationships are missing.  This is the level of which most communication is lacking. 

It's amazing how many clients I see who identify that they've never really engaged in level 3 with their loved ones.  That it's awkward and uncomfortable, unnatural and difficult. 

But in order for relationships to be significant you have to go deep.  And in order to go deep in relationships...you have to do the work.

Don't get me wrong.  You can't live in Level 3.  I know sometimes I wish I could.  My husband will sometimes joke with me after a long conversation filled with "feelings" talk that we've been in level 3 way too long and that it's "Time to come up for air, Deb..."

But you know what, he's so right.  Level 3 can be exhausting if you don't have balance.  Sometimes you have to come back up to level one, because that's what life is made of essentially.  A healthy relationship knows the value of every level of communication, and will work it's way through the levels all throughout the day.   

So go grab your loved one, and practice digging deep into the 3 levels of communication.

Happy Talking :)

*Send in your Real Relationship questions to debslessonslearned@gmail.com to get your question answered in the series before it ends!

Real Relationships: Is it okay for a woman to initiate a relationship?

Ephesians 5:21
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ...

I received a great question for the Real Relationship series I'm writing, by a young woman wondering whether or not she should share her feelings with a young man she has feelings for and can see a potential for a future relationship...in other words, is it okay for the girl to initiate? 

Maybe I like this question so much because it is one that I have struggled with in my dating years...up until I met the man I married.  I pretty much grew up with the belief that a woman should never initiate a relationship, that the man should be the one to step up, take charge, and be a leader when it comes to discussing these sort of things.  It was the "Elisabeth Elliot" mentality (though I love that woman's heart, old fashioned as she sometimes may be!) that gives the man this role from the start of the relationship and all the way through. 

I think there is something truly romantic about this way of thinking.  Deep down most women have a desire to be swept off their feet, and into the arms of a man professing his undying love for them.  It's the fairy tale story in which we are pursued and chivalry is eternal.  I think deep down we all think we want this kind of relationship, in which the man leads the way with emotions, and the woman follows suit.  It's what Hollywood movies are made of.

But to be honest, I think it sounds better than it actually feels.

Let me explain.  I used to believe I wanted a "take charge" kind of man who initiated our relationship, our spiritual life, and pretty much the direction of our entire relationship and marriage.  Sometimes called a "leader" I think I misinterpreted the definition of that word, as though it translated into "boss".

My actual marriage is very much different than what I imagined it would be.  You see, I had a certain picture in my mind because of all the dating books I had read in which the man "led the way" and "took charge".  But to be honest, as I grew and matured I realized that my personality would never lend to such a one-sided relationship.

I'm not married to a "take charge kind" of man, but I AM married to a "leader" in every way.  We have a relationship in which we are both equal parts to the equation: challenging each other, correcting each other, sharpening each other, encouraging each other and "submitting to one another".  We have a mutual relationship- respecting and honoring each other as equals...

And I see the roots of this stemming back to our dating relationship.  Let me remind you: what you see in dating, you will 100% of the time see later in marriage.  We both shared our feelings with one another- I remember initiating the initial conversation about our relationship, and he followed suit with words and then with action.  We kept communication open the whole way through, and that's really important when it comes to dating.

So the short answer to this question is (in my humble opinion): yes, it's okay to share your feelings if, and only if:

1.  You have prayed a LOT about this relationship and feel the Lord's leading.
2.  You see lots of healthy things in the person that you are interested in.
3.  You have felt interest on their part toward you: (Ask yourself, why HASN'T he initiated up to this point?)
4.  You are okay with getting the answer "no" because that is always a huge possibility.  (And then you are okay with letting it go after that rather than making excuses to bring it up again in 2 months...just to "see where he's at now")
5.  You understand that how you act, react, and interact through dating is very indicative of how you will act, react, and interact in marriage.

And on a side note, if you are planning on initiating a conversation- you better expect a response.  It doesn't matter who starts the relationship with the first word, but it does matter that both people are continuing the relationship through their actions, feelings, and words from that point forward.  

Hope that helps, and thanks for the awesome questions.  Keep them coming at debslessonslearned@gmail.com, with "Real Relationships" in the subject line.  

*For a biblical example of this, check out the story of Ruth...  

What are You Known For?: Character vs. Conviction

John 13:35
By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
 
This weekend at church our pastor discussed a really important issue concerning the church's response to homosexuality and the homosexual community at large.  He challenged us as believers to check our hearts and our attitudes when it comes to this very important issue, but in regards to this idea he made one statement that really resonated with me:

Do people know you more by your character, or by your convictions?

This thought has had me reflecting on my life over the past couple of days.  It is so easy to be known by our convictions isn't it?  It seems natural to define ourselves by our belief system, by what we believe, by the things we are against and disagree with.

"They don't really go partying"
"He's against drinking alcohol"
"Don't tell her your living together because she doesn't believe in that"
"He's really conservative"  
"They are anti-abortion and anti-gay"

I don't believe that we should ever water down our beliefs, be ashamed of our values, or be inconsistent with that which is important to us...but what I am saying is, doesn't Jesus ask for so much more from us than a list of simple convictions?

More than a generation that is set apart by what we believe, Jesus calls us to be set apart in how we love. 

Imagine the impact that we could be having on the people in our lives if they recognized something supernatural about the way we loved them?

It's so easy to get caught up in stretching out our hands to the world, with the ten commandments written on our palms, rather than stretching out our hearts to them in loving reflection of the nail scarred hands of Jesus. 

We have truly lost something when the world around us knows us more by what we are against rather than what we are for.   

We are for people.
We are for mercy.
We are for kindness.
We are for peace.
We are for service.  
We are for generosity.
We are for gentleness.
We are for hospitality.  
And absolutely most of all....we are for love. 

May you be challenged to take inventory of your life this week as you seek to show the world the mark of a true disciple.  Love.  Love.  Love.  

Dear Christian: An Open Letter from the World

Revisiting some of my most popular posts.  Hope this one encourages you!

Philippians 2:5
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.


Dear Christian,

I have to be honest...I have mixed feelings about you.  A love/hate relationship if you will.  It's like looking at two sides of a coin, trying to figure out which one is really you.  Part of me wants you so bad...but the other side of me is too scared to jump in. 

There are days that you amaze me.  I look at you and see the most loving eyes, the most gentle hands, the most open heart.  I watch as you take care of your community, as you reach out to the poor and the needy, as you mend the hearts of the broken.

I am overcome by your ability to reach into my loneliness.  Reminding me that I'm not all by myself.  That someone really does care for and love me.  Somehow you always seem to know just what I need...it's as though you had a direct line to God, or something.

I am challenged by the way you give up your time, your money...and your self for others.  I'm drawn to the fact that you are so humble, yet so confident.  You're honest about the fact that you don't always have it together...but that you're working on it.  I love that genuineness...it pushes me to be real with my self as well.

There is something about your smile that seems real to me.  It makes me wonder where you get such joy.  How you have such strength.  It makes me long for what you have. 

Sometimes I look at your faith, and the way you hold on with all of your heart...and wish I had something to give my all to.

But then I get stuck.  I get stuck because I see the other side to your who you are, and I find myself confused.  Because some days you amaze me, but other days you disappoint me.

Other days, it's as though something has come over you.  You aren't acting like yourself.  You are filled with pride and arrogance, acting like you really know it all and have it all together.  It makes me scared to come to you with my problems...because I'm afraid you won't understand.

It breaks my heart to watch you so caught up in the things of this world...money, fame and fortune.  It's as though the American Dream has got you on a leash.  I thought you talked about bigger things?  I thought you said this world wasn't your home?  Then why do you seem so comfortable here?

Some days, it's as though you have an opinion about everything.  What I should wear, who I should be friends with, what I should eat and drink.  I feel judged by you, not loved.  I feel as though I am under a magnifying glass...and you're picking me apart, never satisfied to just let me be who I am.

I want to get closer to you...to try and understand you...but your holier-than-thou attitude reminds me that I can't get too close.  Maybe I'm not good enough for you.  Maybe I'll never be.

Either way, I'm going to keep watching...waiting to see the real you.  There's a part of me that wants what you have...but a part of me that's still confused.  I'll be here.  Waiting for you to show me who you really are.  Until then, don't be surprised if I keep my distance.  I want to get closer, but I have to keep myself safe.

I hope you figure this out soon.  I hope you decide who you really want to be and stick to it.  When you do, come find me. 

Cautiously watching,


The World

Emotional "Sex": How Far is Too Far?

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

How far is too far?  I'm sure it's no surprise to hear that I get asked this question all the time from well-meaning young adults, looking to set up some boundaries in their physical relationships.

But I'm not going to answer that question today.   

Don't get me wrong, as a professional counselor and as a woman who has gone through the world of dating, I think this question is really important and is one that requires some serious thought and consideration.  It's important to put mental time and energy in questions like this and to set your limits within a dating relationship.

But is the physical really the most important thing?  It seems to me that our Christian society can get so fixated on the "physical" aspects of intimacy, that we neglect the emotional and spiritual components that can be just as binding and just as devastating in the end. 

There is some deep power in emotional intimacy, more power than we give it credit.  More powerful than a kiss, more seductive than an embrace, there is something that happens when two people connect emotionally.  Something that has the capacity to outweigh even the physical.  A sort of "emotional sex" that can be just as harmful and heartbreaking, when it moves too deep, too fast. 

I could write an entire chapter on this topic (actually, I'm working on one right now for my upcoming book!) but for now, I'm going to keep it simple.  I want to point out a few things to consider in order to avoid the pain of emotional bonding in a relationship...a relationship that may never translate into marriage:

1.  Play together....don't Pray together:  This might sound silly, but to be honest I know of so many couples who started their relationship by investing time in deep spiritual prayer together and seeking God's will with one another.  While this sounds well and good...in my opinion, it's actually a really dangerous road to travel at such early stages in a relationship.

Seeking the heart of God and pouring out your heart and soul to Him through prayer is one of the most emotionally vulnerable places you will ever be.  It's good to pray about your relationship and to seek God's voice...but don't seek it together. Seek God as an individual...don't allow your relationship with Him to become a trio prematurely.  There will be a day for that "holy trinity" of relationship...but it's not during dating. 

Your dating relationship in it's early stages is meant to be a time of getting to know each other, and learning all the superficial things you can know before taking it to the next level. Use this season for just that!  Don't go too deep too fast, because the emotional intimacy that comes with deep shared moments like this can actually pull you in far deeper than you were ever meant to go, and in the end, leave you with a broken heart...and a broken spirit.

2.  Know when to be Open...and then know when to Close: I think the period of dating is such a special one.  It's a time to really get to know someone and invest in who they are.  It's a time to let your guard down a little at a time and begin to share the truths of who you are.

But that's the key word.  A little...at...a...time.  When you enter into relationship, you should be at a point in your life where you are ready to be open, ready to share, and ready to communicate.  But there should always be limits to this kind of openness.  There are times to be open and share your heart...but, there are also times to withhold.

I don't recommend sitting down at your first date and spilling every detail and secret in your life.  Relationships should be seen as a journey of building trust.  You build a little at a time.  You give a little at a time.  Lay the foundations...then begin building the house.  I'll tell you what DOESN'T help this process....late night conversations.  You know what I'm talking about.  The 3am talks when there is absolutely no filter, and you find yourself sharing and revealing far more than you ever intended on.  Be real, be genuine, and be honest...but never without the anchor of boundaries and the weight of wisdom.


3.  Avoid talking about commitment, before you've actually committed:  There is such a temptation to talk about the future when you're dating.  You want to dream together, to envision the future together, and to create this world up ahead to live for.  I think there is a time and place for this kind of discussion.  Later on in a relationship it's important to be on the same page and to have a similar outlook on what is to come relationally.

But let's be honest...that conversation should not be happening early on in a dating relationship.  It's a problem when people commit to things far beyond the place they are at relationally.  It's a problem when you commit to the future, before you've actually committed to the present.

Take your time, allow your relationship to go through the necessary seasons before you allow your conversation to jump ahead.  Because where your conversation goes...your heart will go, too.

We always hear Christians talk about "guarding your heart".  It's become so cliche that I'm afraid that phrase may have actually lost it's significance.  God knows how fragile our hearts can be, and he begs us to take the time to protect them, to watch over them, and to take care of them.  But guarding your heart does not come in the form of some magical process or spiritual language...it is practical, every day decisions. 

Guard your heart...because out of it, flows your entire life.  That's legit. 

Does God Want me to be Single FOREVER? The short answer.

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

 

One of the greatest fears of young singles that I meet is the prospect of being single, and “alone”, forever.  It’s probably a thought that crosses the mind of every young adult at one point in their lives.  I can recall wondering the same thing myself.  

The simple (and dreaded) answer to this question is yes.  Though singleness is statistically not probable, it’s possible.  That’s the short answer, but there is so much to this question than just a simple yes or no.  One verse that was a continuous source of encouragement to me in my young adult years as a single was found in the book of Psalms.  Chapter 37 verse 4 says this, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”.  

For a time I interpreted this verse to mean that God will grant you what you want in life.  Not a bad interpretation if you ask me!  I don't really think that anymore, though I still agree with this interpretation to an extent.  Just like I delight in giving my daughter good things, our heavenly father loves us and wants to give his children what makes them happy.  But I have come to believe that this verse holds so much more meaning than that. 

I heard an interpretation in which the pastor explained that this verse actually means that when you delight in the Lord, he will GIVE you your desires.  Meaning, He will place desires within you.  That was a transformational thought for me.  It was freeing because it meant that if I really took it to heart in delighting in God as the love of my life, He would arrange my desires to line up with His.  When you really take joy in your relationship with God you will find that you know Him in a deeper way, and in turn, know what He wants for your life.  

St. Augustine said it this way, “Love, then do what thou wilt”.  I don’t think this gives us freedom to do whatever we want in life.  But I do think that it means that when we truly love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength- our desires will align with His.  What we choose to do by following our will, will ultimately be aligned with His. 

On a side not, I believe that it’s a myth to think that all joys will be fulfilled the moment you meet your future spouse.  I believe that God wants us to learn how to take joy in Him because no matter where this life takes us on the journey of finding true love, true joys can only be found in relationship with Him.   

I am married to an incredible man and I can tell you that there are day that he lets me down, and I guarantee you he’d say the same about me.  Though we love each other, our ultimate joy doesn’t come from that love, it comes from the love we have for the Lord; a love that we delight in, live for, and bask in; a love that overflows into every part of our lives, including our relationship with each other.  

If you have a strong desire for marriage, seek God.  If you have a strong desire for singleness, seek God.  In the end, when you have really submitted your heart to Him, God will use your desires to lead you in the right direction.  Just as I believe marriage is a calling, I believe singleness is a serious calling, one that God will equip you for if He calls you to it.  You will know this calling is on your life beyond a shadow of a doubt, and you will be at peace with it.   

For now, submit your heart to God, and then allow Him to lead your heart.  If He is really God then He can be trusted.  If He is really God then He knows what is best for your life.  If He is really God, then He will not let you down.