Still Stuck on My Partner's Sexual Past: A Follow Up Letter to My Readers

Mark 11:25
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

I've gotten a lot of emails from readers in response to my latest article for Relevant Magazine addressing the topic of sexual history, particularly when it comes to your partner's past.

More than anything, the emails have been from broken and hurting individuals, struggling with their own personal pasts or trying to make sense of the past of their partners.  There's no question as to the pain and confusion that the issue of premarital sexual intimacy causes for couples young and old.  It breaks my heart to read their stories and feel their pain through the words of an email.

But the reason I love my faith in God is because it never has to end at needless pain.  There is always more to the story for those who believe.  There is always an exchange of some sort...from ashes, to beauty.  I'm a firm believer that God can heal a person's past, and that He can also heal the wounds that that past might cause in a relationship.   Not only heal, but cause it to thrive...

This particular blog post was requested with that concept in mind.  I recently got an email from a young man facing marital struggles in light of his sexual past, looking for some more guidance and direction in this area.  His spouse is struggling with his past, and they seem to be stuck.  What do you do when you are in a relationship in which your partner is hung up on your past?  How much time do you give to this struggle?  How many details do you go over, and how often?  Ho do you help them move forward?  Where does a couple draw the line?

This couple is not alone in their struggles.  I wish I could devote an entire book to this topic (and maybe I will, once I finish writing my current book...).  Unfortunately, this is a topic that a simple blog post cannot do justice.  But with that said, I'm going to leave you with three points that will begin paving the way for the possibility of healing to begin in your marital relationship:


1.  For the partner married to one with a past:  You are on a difficult journey, to be sure.  And as hard as it is to say, the only thing that will make this journey even more difficult is your personal insecurities.  I speak for myself when I say I personally have a whole lot of those!  The interesting thing is, that I find I am most hurt and grieved by the things that I already struggle with within myself.  


The article I wrote talked about having perspective and forgiveness...but in order to begin that process, we have to search our own demons of inadequacies and insecurities*.  Our partners past will haunt us if we allow these deadly little monsters to take root in our brains.  The more confident we are in our relationship with God and in our relationship with our spouse, the easier it will be to forgive and to begin healing. 


But this takes honesty.  Honesty with yourself and with your partner.  Search your heart.  Find those insecurities, and share them with your partner.  Rather than seeking out the nitty-gritty details to salvage the wounds of your personal insecurities, seek affirmation, love, and affection in times of need.  Those are what truly begin to heal the wounds.  It's important to be able to say, "Honey, I feel really insecure about your past right now, and I could really use some love and affirmation from you".  It's hard to be vulnerable, but it's the only place to gain true strength.  

And remember....no matter how incredible your mate, they can never fill you up in the way that Jesus can.  Run to Him first with all of your emotional needs...and allow your partner's offerings to be simply the overflow.

2.  To the one who holds a sexual past:  Be patient with your partner.  Be available.  Understand that the need to "know" about your past, is ultimately the need for love, affirmation, and affection.  Recognize this, and begin to speak into that part of their life by pouring our affirmation and validation. 

I don't think it's healthy to review your past again and again for the sake of affirmation...because rather than affirm, it may actually separate.  It's important to be honest, but once you have done so encourage your spouse to move forward by allowing your actions and your words to portray unconditional love and undying commitment.  In this situation, actions really will speak louder than words.  Gentleness, compassion, affection, self-control, respect, and romance...pour your love on them as your offering.   


You can't heal your partners insecurities, but you can support, love, and encourage them on their journey of healing. 


3.  To both of you: Communicate with one another.  Be honest about what you need and share your struggles with each other.  You are on this journey together, and you have the option of allowing these issues to separate you...but you also have every right to draw closer because of them.  


Seek God together in these matters...pray out loud for each other, and begin to share an intimacy with one another that is FAR beyond any "sexual encounter" in your past.  The greatest intimacy in life is found in this kind of emotional closeness...and when you share that with another, you have found something priceless.  Relish that, live for that...and choose to find it in each other.  


My prayers go out to all of you who are struggling with these issues.  May God teach us all to accept forgiveness upon ourselves as we learn to bestow that same forgiveness onto others.


*Be encouraged to seek professional counseling for any issues that seem to be effecting your life beyond what you can handle.  There are amazing counselors out there who are equipped to help.  Check out the AACC for a list of Christian Professionals in your area. 

I'm Thankful that Mercy is not for Pansies...

Luke 1:50
He shows mercy from generation to generation to all who fear him.

Matthew 5:7
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

A few weeks ago I attended my brother's church in Philly: Circle of Hope.  He spoke about the topic of mercy that day, and God has been bringing it to my mind ever since.   

What's the difference between grace and mercy someone might ask?  In my mind, grace is being given what we do not deserve, while mercy is being spared what we did deserve.  So many times in the Christian life we focus on what we have been given, but sacrifice the awareness of what we have been spared.

I've been camping out on these thoughts the past few weeks.  One of my favorite illustrations that my brother referred to was looking at the game of Mercy.  I'm sure we've all played it at one point or another as children.  Wikipedia defines it as this:

Two players face each other, holding their opponent's hands...On the word "go", each player attempts to bend back their opponent's hand and inflict pain by straining their wrist. When a player can no longer stand the pain they declare defeat by shouting "Mercy!"
The very fact that a game such as this was named "Mercy", reflects that we have an incredibly skewed idea of what it really means to be shown mercy.  The truth of the matter is the idea of Mercy is seen as something undesirable.  It's for the fragile and the weak, the those who can't handle the pain anymore.  Asking for mercy is taking a step down into the dark abode of shame and confessing that we don't have what it takes because at the end of the day, Mercy is for pansies.  

And sadly, for so many of us, we have taken that view of mercy into our own spirituality and allowed it to effect our relationship with God.  If mercy is for the weak, then who really wants it? 


It's time that we redefine what it really means to receive mercy.  

I think one of the reasons so many of us have a hard time really appreciating mercy is the fact that we really forget where we have come from.  Just like the parable of the man who was pardoned a huge debt and immediately went and tortured someone who owed him just a little bit.  He forgot where he had come from, and the mercy that had been granted him.  It makes me wonder if he ever REALLY accepted the mercy that was granted to him...because he walked away, and failed to live it out.  True mercy breeds mercy. 

For you see, it may take strength to show mercy....but it takes wisdom to accept it.  It takes a wise man to understand his need to be pardoned and make the choice to walk into that undeserved reward.  And for those who will take that risk, it will inevitably transform every part of who they are.

Mercy is not for pansies....it's for wise men.  It's for those who understand the miserable place that they were, and recognize the love of a God who chose to bring them into something greater.  Those who see the utter despair that God has pardoned them, and seek to live a life that pardons those around them. 

Today, I am thankful for Mercy.  I am reminded every so clearly of where I have come from and where I should have been...but here I am today.  Thank you Lord for your unrelenting mercy, give me the wisdom and the strength to live in such a way. Have mercy on me again, and again, and again. 

*What has God pardoned in your life?  Where might you have been otherwise?  Thank Him for his mercies today. 

Those Are Some Very Nice Ashes:

Isaiah 61:3
To give them a crown in place of ashes, oil of joy in place of mourning, praise in place of discouragement... 

I found myself getting discouraged last week.  It was one of those weeks in which I felt overwhelmed by the suffering and sorrow around me.  Not sure if you know this, but people are hurting in some really serious ways.  Friends, family, and clients.  It was just one of those days.  I had just finished listening to stories of brokenness, pain, and sadness only to be ushered into more. 


Sometimes it seems as though all this life has to offer is pain.  The truth is, I almost gave into that discouragement. 

And then I saw God at work. 


I met a young man recently who is climbing out of some serious pain...into something beautiful.  I see God at work in His life, and I am watching Him take this pile of ashes- and turn them into something incredible. 

I witnessed an artist a few months ago, take some dirty ashes on a plain piece of paper- and within just a few moments, out of the ashes I could see the most incredible picture.  She painted the most beautiful painting I had ever seen.


I'm reminded of this painting as I witness the life of this young man.  I'm reminded of a God who takes the most horrific and twisted pile of ashes we have to offer- put them into his nail pierced hands, and begin to work.  It takes paint to create something nice, but it takes ashes to create something incredibly beautiful.  The real beauty lies in the artist's ability to create something out of nothing. 

It's true.  He can do that.  And he does it every day.  I need to remember that as I look into the pain of the people around me, and as I look into the sorrows from my own life.  For every person caught in a pit of ashes, there is the hope for something beautiful. 

Will you allow Him to begin his masterpiece?

Watermelons, Elephants, and Major Sins:

Hebrews 12:1
...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles...

I bought a watermelon about a month ago.  

It looked so good in the store on a hot summer day, and I imagined cutting a slice outta that thing after dinner and letting it's sweet juice run down my face.

I put it in the fridge to cool until after dinner.  But for some reason, after the dishes had been put away and the pots and pans had been washed- I was really not in the mood to clean up one more mess, so I passed on slicing up the sweet treat.  Maybe tomorrow.  Or the day after that.  Or...the day after that. 

Four weeks later I bite into a slice of watermelon at someone's house and it triggers a thought- didn't I buy one of these?

I go home to my fridge, and there before my eyes sits the watermelon.  Huge as ever (and spoiled by now, might I add).  But somehow, I had gotten SO used to seeing that gigantic watermelon multiple times every day that I actually stopped noticing it.  It became a normal part of the background, until I hardly even realized it was there.  


I was sharing this story today as I was talking to a client of mine about the danger of getting so comfortable in our sin that it no longer becomes visible to our spiritual eyes.  That is the reality of how we function as human beings. 

We are so resilient and pliable that we can bounce back and conform to almost any situation.  But as life saving as those traits can be...they can also be permanently devastating.  To the man who gets so comfortable with the lust that has become the only excitement in his life.  To the woman who gets so numb to her addictive behaviors that they become a normalized part of her every day.  To the teenager who gets so acquainted with getting high as the only way to deal with his unpleasant emotions.  To the girl that finds her home in the toxic relationships that have taken over her heart. 

For those who get so comfortable with seeing their sin every single day, that they learn to become experts at learning to ignore it. 

It's time to come face to face with the elephant in the room.  It's time to recognize the sin in our lives that has outstayed it's welcome.  It's time to fix our eyes on Jesus, the Perfecter of our faith, and begin to recognize and throw off each and every sin that has so easily entangled us. 

Before it's too late.  

Porn, Pain, Problems...and Grace:

Romans 3:23
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Nothing surprises me anymore.  I just learned of a highly respected man from this area who committed suicide, a doctor who was caught harboring child pornography, and a school administrator who was involved in drugs.  Add that to the list of problems and pain I see in my counseling office, and you'll quickly understand why my shock radar is completely dead.  Sexual abuse.  Drug addictions.  Theft.  Infidelity.  Compulsive Lying.  Self-mutilation. 

Nothing surprises me anymore.

Time and time again I've seen the evidence of our fallen human nature.  Men and women, seemingly put together on the outside- the house, the cars, the clothes- but behind their mask there hides the face of their own "fallenness". 

Sometimes I see things so extreme that I have a silly tendency to sit back and think, "How do people end up in such awful places?"  I get confused sometimes, as if I- by my own doing- have made the best choices in my life. 

But then Jesus gently reminds me of my own desperate need.  He reminds me that the only reason I am even surviving without the mask is because He has graciously taken it from me, and nailed it to the cross.  He reminds me that I, too, have the capacity for things far more horrid than this, and that I am only rescued by His grace. 

A grace that knows what I'm capable of, yet loves me still.

There, but for the grace of God, go I.   --  John Bradford

The Darkness Inside:

Psalm 51:10
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

"To defeat the darkness out there, you must defeat the darkness inside yourself."-- Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

It's easy to focus on the darkness "out there".  I mean, there's so much of it.  Turn on any news station, pick up any magazine or newspaper, or surf the web at any given moment and you'll be bombarded by a flood of never-ending darkness.  Crimes, death, natural disaster, scandal, poverty.  It's all around us.  


It's easy to find our hearts united in a desire for justice.  A desire to rid the world of all it's filth.  To pick it up, dust it off, and make it all better.  


My heart resonates with that longing.  It's a real part of me.  I long to shine a light in this darkness.  And I am pursuing that. 


But for the first time in my life, God has been challenging me to take a good hard look at the darkness inside.


You see, in defeating the darkness inside is the first step to having victory over the darkness out there.  There is some serious truth in that statement.  God longs for us to take a look at ourselves as the first component to the problems around us.  


Want peace on earth?  Work on the relationships in your life that are in need of peace.
Want to tackle greed in corporate America?  Take a look in the materialism in your own home.
Want to overcome global poverty?  Take accountability of your own selfishness.
Want to get rid of the pornography industry?  Ask God to cleanse you of your own lusts. 
Want to do away with abortion?  See how God is calling you to care for the children around you.
Want to put an end to gay marriage?  Maybe it's time to learn the reality of unconditional love.


It's so easy to look at the darkness out there, but so difficult to look at the darkness within.  

I'm grateful for a loving God who doesn't rub my shortcomings in my face, but instead, He rubs them out.  

Lord, help me to search my heart and tackle the darkness from within.  
Create in me a clean heart and a right spirit.  

Holiday For Sinners:

Isaiah 53 The Message
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
   our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
   that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
   that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
   Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
   We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
   on him, on him. 

This past week has been cathartic for me.  I have felt a deep sense of freedom in the act of confession. The past few nights...during the latest hours...God has brought things to my mind that I have been hiding.

I wonder why things like this seem to happen to me so late at night.  Maybe it's because in those moments of deep fatigue that my heart is most vulnerable.  Maybe it's because those are the moments in which my energy is depleted, my guard is down, and I have no strength to fight.  It's by His grace that He meets me in those moments.  Moments in which His love cannot be countered by my pride.

The past few nights God has been revealing to me some things in my life that I really need to change.  He has showed me that I have a strong sense of insecurity that tends to run wild in my life.  A deep feeling of inadequacy that causes me to fear, to covet, to compare.  A feeling that tempts me to lie, to embellish, and to exaggerate.  A feeling that leads me to believe that I am not enough...or that I am small....insignificant, and weak.


My heart is sinful.  And these sins have a tendency to seep into my actions...into my relationships...into my life.

I've spent the past few days talking to my husband about these internal struggles and sins, asking for accountability, prayer, and encouragement.  I've confessed to my friends, in hopes of facing the darkness in my heart.  And now, I find myself confessing to the entire world...anyone who would take the time to read.

I am a sinner.  At the deepest part of who I am there is a constant battle between doing my will...and submitting to His.  I am a sinner, but at the end of the day I'm realizing that this weekend...Easter...is a holiday for people just like me.

Liars.  Thieves.  Adulterers.  Those who can't control their anger.  Those who can't control their addictions.  Crooks.  Drunkards.  Idolaters.  Those struggling with their sexual lusts.  Those caught up in secret sins. 

This weekend is for us.  The sinners.  Those who have realized that they just can't do it on their own.  Those who have searcher their hearts and come to the realization that they are not as "good" as they thought they were...as others thought they were. 

This weekend is for us.  The sinners.  Those who have come to see their great need for a Savior.  A God who would love them to the point of death.  A God who carried our pain, our failures, and our disfigurements.  A God who was crushed so that we could be healed. 

This weekend is for us.  The sinners.  The gift of His precious life.  The hope of freedom, salvation, and peace.  The hope healing...from our pain, our weaknesses, and our sinful states.  The hope of Jesus. 

For Sinners:

Luke 15:2

This man welcomes sinners and eats with them. 

There are so many things that could be said about God.  Descriptions of His power and might. Miraculous signs and wonders.  Mysterious and unsearchable things.  So many ways to describe His majesty and His glory.  To tell of His mercy and His grace.  To ponder His unfathomable ways.  There are so many ways to describe our God, but nothing compares to this.    

For in this description, we meet a God that is set apart from all other gods.  A God that has not allowed His majesty to hold Him back from our misery.  A God who sets aside His glory for a limitless pursuit of our hearts.  A God who not only welcomes sinners, he dines with them.  He invites them to his intimate table, seats them at his right hand, and takes care of all of their needs. 

We meet a God who gives His all to come find His lost sheep.  A God who will go anywhere and do anything, even to the point of death, to be able to bring us back home.  A God who reminds us that we are not the seekers for He came to seek us.  A God who is willing to break the status quo, reach out and humble Himself- in order to lift us up.

We meet a God who brings laughter where there have been tears, a God who brings his love where there has been hate.  We meet a God who sees sin as something to be forgiven and pain as something to be wiped away.  A God who finds it a joy to delight in us, when we finally respond to Him.  A God who gives the life of His son to remind us that we are His.  A God who finds company in us, in sinners.  Who welcomes us, sits with us, resides with us, and eats with us.   

A God who is for sinners, like you and like me. 

Thank you Lord that you put aside your majesty to save us from our misery.  Thank you that you did so to seek us out.  May we be moved during this season of Lent to open our hearts to you in response to such love. 

More Like Zombies: Ephesians 2 (Day 2)

Ephesians 2:1-5 (Click here to read all of Ephesians 2)
As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.  All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following it's desires and thoughts.  Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.


But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved. 

The beautiful thing about Ephesians, as I mentioned in my last post, is that it is a book full of riches and treasures.  Treasures that the believer already possesses and many times doesn't even realize or choose to access.  The last treasure I focused on was "power".  As incredible as that treasure is for our daily lives, it means nothing without the next one:  Life.

According to Ephesians 2, God has given us life.  He has made us "alive" on a spiritual level.  He has freed us from the chains of sin and the bondage of being slaves to our sinful nature.

I find that sometimes, as powerful as the above words can be- we get caught up in the familiarity of the "christian lingo" to the point where it no longer has a profound effect on our souls...much less any impact at all.  Freedom from the chains of our sinful nature sounds great...but what does that even look like in our day to day lives?

The truth is, though many of us are "free"- we are living as though we were dead.  We are walking around like zombies- brought back to life from the dead- yet still conforming to the ways of the dead.  We are caught up and controlled by sins that we can't seem to shake.  They may be sins that no one will ever witness but ourselves: Selfishness.  Pride.  Self-Loathing.  Lust.  Envy.  Indulgence.

Or they may be things so obvious that we cannot seem to hide though we try: Anger. Rage. Gluttony.  Addictions.  Sexual sins.  Greed. 


Either way, one thing is certain- we don't always feel as free as Christ says we are.  We don't always believe that the same power that raised Christ from the grave can also raise us from the sinful graves we have allowed ourselves to rest in. 

Take a look at your life today.  Take a sincere, deep, thoughtful look at who you are and what you do.  What are the sins that seem to be bogging you down.  What parts of your life reek of the smell of death though you are fully alive.

The same power that raised Christ from his physical death can also raise us from our own spiritual death.  His power can invade your mind, your heart, your personality.  His power can even conquer the pain of your past and free you from the bondage of  the generational sin that was passed down to you.  Alcoholism.  Sexual addictions.   Lying.  Worry.  Over eating.  Laziness. Fear. 

There is nothing to great or too small.  But we must choose daily to allow God's grace to take hold of us and give us life again and again.  We must choose to walk away from the things that trip us up and lead us back to our graves.  We must choose to accept life from the hands of the Life-Giver.  Each and every single day.

May we all be awakened from the dead.  

Grace and peace to you all.

Oh You Bring: By Hillsong United
VERSE 1:
Oh You bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life
Now I'm alive
Oh You give peace to the restless
And joy to homes that are broken
I see You now
In You I'm found

CHORUS:
And You opened the door for me
And You laid down
Your life to set me free
All that I am will serve You Lord
And You opened my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus You're everything I need

VERSE 2:
Oh You fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all You calm my soul
Oh You find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
I worship You in spirit and truth

BRIDGE:
All honor
All glory
All praise to You