The Obsession of Physical Appearance:

I read an article recently addressing the dangers of body-image issues.  The most horrifying thing about this article was the fact that it was addressing patterns found in elementary school aged children, and the eating disorders and self-esteem issues that are becoming a serious problem even among 6-9 year olds. 

It’s not surprising if you ask me.  As a professional counselor, every year I’m seeing these issues pop up at an earlier and earlier age.  The concept of body-image has taken on such an important role in our society, and the effects of that are slowly trickling down into the generations beneath us.  If for no other reason than that, something has seriously got to change.  

I don’t know of many things that have such power over how a person feels about themselves than that of body-image.  For many young men and women, our physical appearance has become the measuring stick against which our entire value and worth are assessed by.  But let’s get real: as detrimental as this value system can be, it’s really hard to just “walk away” from that measuring stick when everything around you is pointing you in that direction.  

 It doesn't take much observation to realize that we live in a society that glorifies the physical, and to be honest, it's really easy to get caught up in that.  We all want to look good in one way or another.  We want the world around us to stop and take notice.  That is the natural outflow of the fact that we were created to be loved and adored.  

I get that.  But, I also see that this desire has become a dangerous idol for many people, young and old.  We've allowed this natural desire for love and attention to fuel an unrelenting obsession with the physical- an obsession that is destroying the lives of countless individuals in its aftermath, leaving so many without hope and without significance because of a few natural short comings (and sometimes no short comings at all!)

At one point in my life, I found myself walking down this dangerous path- a life of obsession, negativity, and self-deprecation that was sucking every ounce of joy, value and worth from my life little by little.  The negativity I had was even starting to affect the people around me, who graciously had enough love for me to call it out for the trap that it was.

I had to make a decision to get out of this pit before it got too deep.  It wasn't easy, let me tell you that.  I was so used to living by a value system that was based on the external that I had forgotten how to do it any other way.  Slowly, but surely, I was able to deliberately put some things into action that saved me from some serious pain.  Here are some things that helped me break free from this cycle:

1. Choose to stop thinking negatively:  First and foremost I had to take some major inventory of my thoughts.  Believe it or not your brain is actually train-able.  Patterns of thinking will easily develop based on the route you encourage your thoughts to go.  I had been stuck in some seriously catastrophic patterns of thinking that had become so natural I hardly noticed them.  I had to start taking the time to listen for my negative self-talk, begin to write it down, and call it out for what it was: straight up lies.  

The second part of this process was not just calling out the lies, but replacing them with truth.  I had to begin developing a totally new value system that was based on the value and worth that God had for me.  I memorized verses, talked to God, and read books that reminded me of what my true measuring stick was, and I had to daily (sometimes hourly) choose to measure myself up against the qualities of the internal rather than the external.  

2.  Take inventory of who you spend time with and what is coming out of your mouth:  This was huge for me.  I realized that so much of my time was being spent with people just like me- stuck in a rut, measuring themselves up by standards that were pretty much unattainable- and we were all falling short together (group failure can be addicting).  Every conversation and interaction was reinforcing my need to focus on my shortcomings, whether it was through complaining, comparing, or competing.  I had to make a point to limit my time with the people that only added to my physical baggage, and hold myself accountable for the things I was allowing to come out of my mouth.  The less you think about something the less you talk about it- and the less you talk about it, the less you think about it.  It was time for me to start making some real changes.      

3.  Get involved in things that promote your true self:   It’s easy to get caught up in a faulty measuring stick when you feel as though you have nothing else of value.  I knew that I had so many qualities and talents that had been hibernating due to my fixation on the physical.  I had to take the time to stretch those muscles again and realize that I had so much more to offer the world than my appearance.  I got out there and volunteered, used my leadership qualities, wrote encouraging notes, and spent time with those in need.  I took advantage of these little things that reminded me that I had so much to offer and gave me a fresh glimpse of the world around me.  

The truth is a negative and self-deprecating person has the ability to be just as vain and conceited (if not more) than someone who is narcissistic, because at the end of the day- whether negative or positive, both individuals are fixated on SELF.  Getting out and getting involved helped me take the needed time and energy to focus my life on others instead of being so completely wrapped up in myself.   

4.  Take a look at the deeper issues:  For some individuals, the concept of body-image issues runs very deep.  A few of the above steps might be helpful to some extent, but won’t have the power to pull them out of the trap of their body-image obsession.  Control issues, abandonment fears, and lack of boundaries in their world are just some of the things that might be fueling the need to focus on the physical.  If this is you, don’t take these things lightly.  The longer you are in this trap, the more difficult it is to get out.  Take some time to address these issues by finding a professional counselor and giving yourself the opportunity you need to focus on gaining back the control and getting your life back.      

I don’t know about you, but I want to be a person that is adding to the value and self-worth of the generation beneath me.  I want to be a person that sees the good inside of others, and begins to encourage them for the God-given qualities and value that are unique to them.  But at the end of the day, that only begins with learning to see the good inside of me.      


*This article originally written for RelevantMagazine.com 

When Good People are Stuck in Bad Relationships:

1 Corinthians 15:33
Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”

As a therapist, I've been hearing about a lot of bad relationships lately.  Christian friends, family members, and even clients opening up and sharing about their struggles, weaknesses, and straight-up dysfunction in the area of boy + girl.

To say I'm surprised by these things would be an overstatement, because I'm really not.  Turn on any TV station and you'll tune into some divorce, break up, or relationship tragedy that's occurring in the world around us.  Listen in on any gossip at the office and you'll hear about heart-break, lying, cheating, and manipulation.  Sometimes, relationships can be really toxic.  But what's more surprising to me is not the occurrence of these relationships- but how little Christians talk about them.  

Toxic relationships exist all over the world, and guess what, they exist in Christian relationships as well.  Christian people are flawed, sinful, and broken human beings just as much as the other guys.  Take that combination into any relationship and you're bound to find a toxic concoction at somewhere at some point.  So what is keeping us from bringing it to the light?  Why are we so silent?

Scripture says that whatever is in darkness will be healed as it comes into the light.  It's time to break the silence about dysfunctional relationships by starting to have these conversations, by starting to be real.  Christian, it's time to take inventory of the relationship you are in- whether dating or married- and ask yourself if it's good, honoring, and uplifting.  We are called to be actively engaged in relationships in which we are giving and exchanging that kind of hope to one another.  In which we are spreading God's love like it's a contagious disease.  But toxic relationships look nothing like that.  

They rob you of your joy, take away your hope, and cause you to believe that's all your worth.  

You might be in a toxic relationship if you commonly feel the sting of manipulation, jealousy, envy and rage.  God calls us into relationships that are full of patience and love. 

Maybe you're feeling controlled- unable to say what you want, do what you want, or believe what you want. God's love brings us into hope and freedom.  

Maybe the toxicity of addictions, drugs and alcohol are seeping into your relationship and in turn are destroying your life.  God wants to help break away from these chains and give you the power to live freely. 
 
What if you keep getting led into dark places- places of lust and seduction that leave you feeling guilt and shame.  God wants to shine His light upon your life, and forgive you in the best way He knows how- completely.  

Maybe you're being beat down verbally- ripped of your dignity and self-worth.  God wants you to know that you are His beloved- worth far more than precious rubies and more valuable than the finest of pearls. 

You may be feeling the sting of abuse- the infliction of physical pain that breaks your spirit even more than it breaks your body.  God has felt the sting of physical abuse in order to free you from your own...His stripes and wounds are a sign that you deserve to forever be free of yours.** 

If you're married, seek pastoral and professional help immediately...begin the restoration process even if that means doing it alone.   

If you're dating, it's time to believe that you were made for so much more than this.  It's time to break free and allow God to bring you healing and restore your hope-  How to Get out of a Toxic Relationship.

It's time to get real, to get honest, and to get help**. It's time to stop waiting for the change, and begin making the change yourself.  It's time to step out of the grip of the past, and into something new.  It's time to acknowledge these dark places and bring them into the light of His healing.  

**For more assistance in breaking free of toxic relationships, go to www.aacc.net (American Association of Christian Counselors) to find some professional help in your area. 

Why It's So Hard to Love Yourself- and How to Start:

Mark 12:31
Love your neighbor as you love yourself.

I tweeted a message asking "Why do you think God asks us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves?"

One young woman tweeted back saying:
"I hope He calls us to love our neighbor as HE loves us...b/c sometimes,  I don't love myself very much".

Her answer to my question made me stop and think.  From what I've seen and experienced, this young woman is not alone in her struggles.  Hundreds of people that I have met, counseled, or befriended- all struggling with the same thing.   

Why is it so hard to love yourself?

I heard a talk the other day about self-worth.  The speaker was saying that it's almost as though we are born into a world in which we are constantly getting labels slapped onto us by others.  Our parents, our friends, our family, and people that we don't even know.  Each person from the outside looking in coming up with their label to put on us.  Some are kind, some are true...but so many of them are lies.  Negativity.  Hurt. Judgment. Misunderstanding.  Labels, slapped onto us without our permission.  And sometimes, we carry them so long that we believe what they say.    Sometimes, we allow them to define us.

I think sometimes it is so hard to love ourselves...because we have believed what the labels have been telling us.   

The truth is, God came to rip off all the labels that have been placed upon us, and start teaching us the truth about who we are- who He has made us to be.

When we acknowledge His love for us, we get the opportunity to take off all the labels and start from scratch.  If you back up one verse, Mark 12:30 is an essential starting point to learning how to love ourselves.  In it, God calls us to love Him fiercely, with all that we are:

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'

When we are in focused relationship with God, loving Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength- every part of us is open to learning and experiencing His view of us.  We are exposed to His way of thinking and feeling and His definitions of us begins to sink in.  His labels begin to take priority.  We become surrounded by His love for us, and it begins to permeate into our hearts as well.  And eventually, surrounded by such a relentless love- it begins to rub off.  We slowly learn that He thinks we are worth it.  We slowly believe that maybe we are worth it.  We finally begin to love ourselves...because He has first loved us.

And then finally, when we have really learned to love ourselves, we are opened up to the true meaning of loving others.

Love must always start with us.  Because in order to give out love, we must first possess it. 

I'm thankful for a God who pours His love on me, teaching me to love myself as He loves me, so that I am ultimately freed to love others.

It's time to rip off all the labels.  It's time to be freed to really love.  

  

The only way to Love better...

 [August 2006: Philadelphia, PA. Shortly after my arrival back from Egypt, and one month before we would be officially engaged!]

June 9th, 2006

Exactly one year before John and I were to be married. 

But believe it not, though we felt the closest we'd ever felt to one another emotionally, geographically- we were thousands of miles away.

Instead of spending my summer with my boyfriend...I was on a mission trip in Egypt that summer; following through with a commitment I had made to Jesus long before we had ever met.  A commitment to love God more, to serve the poor and needy, and to do my earthly best to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  John was taking a course, studying 18 hours a day intensively for what he thought may be his only chance at entering med school and fulfilling God's calling on his life to become a doctor.  His one chance at literally being able to make "the blind see".    

There is no doubt about it, June 9th, 2006 found us both in a really good place.  A place of obedience.  A place of focus.  A place of faith.   

A place where more than ever before our hearts were hidden in the heart of Jesus.  Reading through my journals today was such an incredible reminder to me of the reason why John and I are so in love:

Our love has always been founded in Something Greater than ourselves. 

That day I wrote:

"God is stretching is both...reminding us that we are working primarily for our union with Adonai...all else will follow, and must only follow...

Lord, Thy will be done."

It's easy to forget the glue that binds us together.  In fact, looking back at the times we have struggled most in our marriage the root of the problem always leads to our forgetfulness.  

Forgetfulness- forgetting that God is the Source.  That from Him, by Him, and to Him come all things.  Forgetfulness that in Him do all things hold together. 

When we forget...when we wander...we become self-absorbed...we become self-focused...we stray from the source of True Love, and our marriage is so subtly pulled apart.

I'm reminded of this truth today, because with the hustle and bustle of life I feel that I am personally starting to go down the path of forgetfulness.  These days, I have not acknowledged the Love of my Life and given Him his rightful place in my heart.  I have failed to run to Him to fill me up with more love, more grace, and more forgiveness.  I've been distracted by the things He has "called me to" and failed to remember that more than all of these things:

I am called to Him.

This is where it all began.  This is where it all must remain. 

My life has never been more satisfying, through singleness, through dating, or through marriage- as when I find that I am most satisfied in Him, most intimate with the Lord of my life.  To be in God's presence is to be forced into the overflow of all that is good...and in turn, be able to emit those very good things to the world around us. 

Maybe I have been trying to do too much by myself.  Maybe I have been trying to love on my own...

It's time to remember what holds all things together.  It's time to recall what binds my heart, mind, and heart in steadfastness.  It's time to remember my FIRST love...because therein lies the only answer to be able love at all.

"When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest t all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed bu increased."--C.S. Lewis

You're So Vain, bet You think This Post Is About You....

Philippians 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.


In Greek mythology, Narcissus was hunter, known for his beauty.  Filled with pride, he loved himself so much that he was unable to love others.  Eventually, he was led to a body of water, where he glanced his reflection- unbeknownst to him- and fell in love with himself.  He was unable to leave the beauty of his very own reflection. 

And there he would spend the rest of his days, alone with himself...until the day that he died... 

As hard as it is to admit, there's a little bit of narcissus in all of us, isn't there?  A part of us that is afraid to take our eyes off of ourselves.  A voice inside of us that lures us in, keeping us fixated on self, preventing us from focusing on others.  Sometimes this voice comes with the sound of praise- reminding you of your accomplishments, stroking your ego, and giving you glory for all that you have done and all that you are.  Other times, this inability to take our eyes off of ourselves comes in a discouraging way.  Causing you to obsesses over yourself...if only I could have done better.  If only I could do more, be more, have more...

No matter which voice, whether positive or negative, we become the center of our attention. 

When we are consumed with ourselves, we are inhibited from loving others the way we were intended to love them.  When we are the focus we miss the opportunity of connecting with others. 

Pride and selfishness are some of the most isolating characteristics a human can possess....and whether the focus is positive or negative...fixation on self is just that.   

For those of us who cannot stop looking at ourselves...we will find, like Narcissus, a life filled nothing but self.  We will find everyone else around us fading away, washed up in the waves of our selfishness.  Consumed by the appetite of our ego.  And ultimately...desperately, and utterly alone.

C.S. Lewis declares that humility is not thinking less of yourself, but learning to think of your self less....

To allow your focus to fall on the people around you, and the God inside of you.  The God that is calling your name, asking you to love Him because He has already loved you.

The ironic thing is that the God who loves us so much is the only One who has the authority to focus on Himself...but He chose, in fact, to focus on You instead.  To give His heart to you.  To give His life for you.  To think of you in His last dying moment...instead of thinking of Himself. 

The only way to be freed from the snares of ego and pride is to do just that.  The only way to unlock the prison of selfishness and be freed from the obsession of insecurity, is to fix your eyes on others.  To allow others to be loved and valued just as much as you love and value yourself. 

Because no matter how hard we try to save ourselves... turning our eyes away from this self is the one and only place where true salvation can be found.   

Taking off your mask: On Being Real

Psalm 139
"My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth."


I spoke at Faith Evangelical church last evening in Allentown, PA to an amazing group of young men and women.  One of the topics that was addressed was about authenticity in relationships...and how to be real with the people around you.  The conclusion?  Sometimes it's really hard to be real.  Sometimes it seems impossible to let go of the mask.  Sometimes it's painfully difficult to show your true self to the world.  The person we are, not the person we want to be.  And sometimes...it's hard to believe that we have anything worth really showing. 


Psalm 139.  Easier to read than to believe sometimes.  A psalm filled with value statements promoting our worth, our value, our meaning in the eyes of God.

"Intricately woven"...."Fearfully and wonderfully made." 


Sometimes we feel more complicated than intricate.  More afraid than fearfully made.  More wounded than wonderful.

It's hard to be real, because that means letting our true colors shine.  It means sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly.  It means being open and honest about our struggles and our fears, our joys and our strengths.  It means being okay with where we are and who we are becoming, and then sharing that with the world.

It's hard to be real because sometimes we don't even know who we really are.  We know who we wish we were.  We know who we want to be.  But sometimes it's hard to come face to face with who we actually are.

It's hard to be real because it leaves us vulnerable and exposed.  It allows us to be seen, which allows us to be judged, which allows us to be valued.  Sometimes we're more concerned about how this world values us than how our God values us. 

If we're going to be real, we've God to really understand who we are in the eyes of God.  We've got to be confident with who he has made us, where we are at, and where He's taking us.  We've got to be okay with our humanity- struggles, sins, and all, recognizing that only in the pit of our humanity is when we are in need of a Savior.

We were rescued by a God who connected with us by his wounds.  Maybe sharing ours will be the only way that we can really connect with others.

Reclaiming Identity: What's Your Measuring Stick?

I wrote an article for Relevant about 5 Things I Wish I'd Known About Dating, that flooded my inbox with reader emails.  It was awesome to see how many young people connected with the myths I had struggled with through my dating years.

But one thing in particular that kept coming up again and again in my emails was the question about Identity in Christ.  In the article, I briefly mentioned the idea that your beliefs about yourself have a great impact on the kind of person you will end up with, and how you must learn to change your beliefs about yourself and root your identity in Christ.

I don't think any Christian would disagree with this idea of finding our identity in Jesus...but what does that actually look like?  More than anything else, the emails I received were asking that same question. 

This isn't an easy topic, and I don't think one blog post has the ability to do it justice (though I am working on an entire chapter about this in my book...even then I think I could turn this single topic into an entire book series!).  But I want to take a moment to address two parts to what finding identity in Christ has meant in my personal life.

1. Acknowledging my measuring stick:  A few years ago a good friend of mine used this term "measuring stick" and it has stuck in my mind ever since.  What is your measuring stick?  What is it that you measure yourself against to determine your value, your purpose, and your worth?  Is it friendships?  The approval of your parents?  Relationship Status?  Is it your job, your grades, or your accomplishments?  Your athletic abilities, talents, or physical appearance?  There are so many things that we can measure ourselves by...and that we do measure ourselves by each and every single day whether we are aware of them or not.  

But the problem with rooting our identity in these things is that they come and they go.  Their presence in our lives is inconsistent and always changing.  When my identity is grounded in my relationships, what happens when those relationships change?  When it is in my appearance, how beautiful, skinny, and fit is enough?  When it is in my accomplishments, what happens when I fail? 

Life can be a roller coaster of emotions when these things are our gauge.  Our identity suffers instability and insecurities measured up against such volatile things. 

2.  A new set of standards: Each and every day I have to wake up and replace my old measuring stick with my new one.  Rather than constantly living for who I want to be, I have learned to fix my eyes onto who I already am...according to my identity in Christ.  The identity He has set for me.  The identity He has created while I was just in the womb (Psalm 139). 

I have to take the old beliefs and measure them up to these higher standards.  God's word is filled with truths about who we are in Him, and it takes a lot of practice to start believing those truths, especially when we've been believing lies our whole lives.  Here are just some of the truths that have really helped me:

1. I am God's child- John 1:12
2.  I am Christ's friend: John 15:15
3.  I am noticed: Psalm 139
4.  God has good plans for my life: Jeremiah 29:11
5.  I am forgiven: Ephesians 1:8
6.  God has chosen me: Colossians 3:12
7.  I have purpose: Psalm 138:8
8. I am God's creative expression: Ephesians 2:10
9. I belong to God: 1 Peter 2:9
10. I am loved: 1 John 3:1

This is truth.  This is the measuring stick upon which our lives should be set.  Scripture is filled with thoughts and ideas about who we are and what it means to place our identity in Christ for those who are seeking.  It takes hard work to reclaim our identities from the enemy.  For some, it's a daily struggle...

But we will live out the kind of life that we believe we deserve.  And according to God's word...by His grace and because of His mercy, we deserve a whole lot.  Exchange your measuring stick for His.  Reclaim your identity...Rooted in Christ...Founded in truth.  

Dear Christian: An Open Letter from the World

Revisiting some of my most popular posts.  Hope this one encourages you!

Philippians 2:5
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.


Dear Christian,

I have to be honest...I have mixed feelings about you.  A love/hate relationship if you will.  It's like looking at two sides of a coin, trying to figure out which one is really you.  Part of me wants you so bad...but the other side of me is too scared to jump in. 

There are days that you amaze me.  I look at you and see the most loving eyes, the most gentle hands, the most open heart.  I watch as you take care of your community, as you reach out to the poor and the needy, as you mend the hearts of the broken.

I am overcome by your ability to reach into my loneliness.  Reminding me that I'm not all by myself.  That someone really does care for and love me.  Somehow you always seem to know just what I need...it's as though you had a direct line to God, or something.

I am challenged by the way you give up your time, your money...and your self for others.  I'm drawn to the fact that you are so humble, yet so confident.  You're honest about the fact that you don't always have it together...but that you're working on it.  I love that genuineness...it pushes me to be real with my self as well.

There is something about your smile that seems real to me.  It makes me wonder where you get such joy.  How you have such strength.  It makes me long for what you have. 

Sometimes I look at your faith, and the way you hold on with all of your heart...and wish I had something to give my all to.

But then I get stuck.  I get stuck because I see the other side to your who you are, and I find myself confused.  Because some days you amaze me, but other days you disappoint me.

Other days, it's as though something has come over you.  You aren't acting like yourself.  You are filled with pride and arrogance, acting like you really know it all and have it all together.  It makes me scared to come to you with my problems...because I'm afraid you won't understand.

It breaks my heart to watch you so caught up in the things of this world...money, fame and fortune.  It's as though the American Dream has got you on a leash.  I thought you talked about bigger things?  I thought you said this world wasn't your home?  Then why do you seem so comfortable here?

Some days, it's as though you have an opinion about everything.  What I should wear, who I should be friends with, what I should eat and drink.  I feel judged by you, not loved.  I feel as though I am under a magnifying glass...and you're picking me apart, never satisfied to just let me be who I am.

I want to get closer to you...to try and understand you...but your holier-than-thou attitude reminds me that I can't get too close.  Maybe I'm not good enough for you.  Maybe I'll never be.

Either way, I'm going to keep watching...waiting to see the real you.  There's a part of me that wants what you have...but a part of me that's still confused.  I'll be here.  Waiting for you to show me who you really are.  Until then, don't be surprised if I keep my distance.  I want to get closer, but I have to keep myself safe.

I hope you figure this out soon.  I hope you decide who you really want to be and stick to it.  When you do, come find me. 

Cautiously watching,


The World

Gratitude vs.Bragitude: Fighting the Spotlight Mentality

Luke 18:11
The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector.

I have to be honest and say that I really feel blessed in my life.  Mostly because I serve a really good God, and partly because I'm learning that the gift of contentment is one that really must be earned with blood, sweat and tears. 

With all that said, this journey toward contentment has allowed me- for the first time, to have the ability to take the focus off of myself.  God has been really challenging me to a growing awareness of the people around me....their joys, their struggles.

They say early adolescents go through a developmental season where they feel that the focus of the universe is on them.  When they walk into a room, the spotlight is on them.  It's as though they are living their life as the star of their own play, and everyone else is in the background- secondary characters. 

Sometimes I think that stage goes beyond middle school.  Sometimes, I think there is a fraction of that little adolescent living inside of us always...battling for the spotlight. 

Lately, I've been really trying to fight that urge inside of me. 

I heard a pastor the other day on national TV say that he is so "Thankful" for his amazing car, beautiful wife, financial prosperity, and incredible ministry.  "God is good", he said. 

Not sure why, but something about that rubbed me the wrong way.  It brought me back to those middle school days of fighting for the spotlight.  Me, me, me....thank you God that my life is amazing, thank you that I'm rich, beautiful, and smart...thank you, that my life is not like HIS...

I'm grateful for what I have...but I'm learning that there is a difference between gratitude, and "bragitude".

One puts the spotlight on me....the other puts the spotlight on Christ. 


This is something I need to work on daily.  To fight the Pharisee urges of glorifying the good in my life for the sake of praise and recognition, and accept the calling to lay those things down before the feet of Jesus....remembering that it is all because of Him. 

I'm learning to have an awareness of those around me, to approach them with grace and with love, taking the spotlight off of me, and willingly putting it where it truly belongs.

Steve Jobs and the Image of God:

Genesis 1:27
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

Wednesday, October 5th, Steve Jobs-  founder of Apple, said goodbye to this world and journeyed into the next.  It's always a sobering reminder when someone dies, bringing into awareness the reality that this life is not all there is.

But what was even more devastating to me about the death of this man?  The reaction of our society.

With regard to his death I heard someone say, "It's a shame...now who is going to come up with the next iphone?"

As flippant as that comment was, I think it's a sad reflection of our society and it's priorities.  We have grown so accustomed to seeing people for what they have to offer rather than who they are.  We interact with people around us as though they were a commodity, making sure to tap into the resources they have available.

Brains, beauty, wealth.  Business, advice, help. 

In the interpersonal communications class I teach, there was a section in the text devoted to "networking" and the principle of making sure to see everyone we come into contact with as a potential person with whom we can "network".

Really?  Is this all that our humanity has boiled down to?

The answer is yes.

I don't know about you, but I want to do my best to fight this vicious paradigm.  I want to be a person who fights the temptation to treat the world around me as a commodity, but rather, see each individual as one who bears the image of God- highly loved, highly valued, highly honored- simply because of their Creator.

What a Homeless Man, Me, and John Piper have in common:

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

I learn so much from my daughter.  This little 10 month old has so much to teach without even trying.  God uses her in so many ways to help me understand the things that He's been trying to teach me for, oh, about 28 years now.  


Last night my husband and I were praying together after we put her to bed.  When it was my turn to pray I found myself praying about her purpose.  I don't know where that came from, really, but the words just started spilling out of my mouth.  And as the words flowed from my mouth, the tears flowed from my eyes.  I realized that this is a topic that really strikes a cord for me.

Purpose.  You know, if you ask me, when it comes down to it I believe that's the one ingredient necessary for a healthy and meaningful life.  There is really nothing more important.  My prayer for this little girl is that she learns God's purpose for her life the moment she has the ability to understand what that even means. 

I want her to see that her purpose is so unique, so special, and so important.  I want her to understand that the God of this universe has a spotlight on her life and on her soul...she is His focus.  She is His love.  She is His life. 


I see so many teenagers and adults in my office that have never grasped their purpose.  They haven't even gotten a glimpse of it.  Not in their parent's eyes, not in the worlds eyes, and in turn, absolutely not in God's eyes.  For them, life is so broken, so painful, and so meaningless.  They don't understand that they have been created for significance.  They don't see that their life has indescribable value.  They don't fathom that God has plans for their life that are beyond what they could have ever hoped for.    

But, you see....that's the truth.  It's the God-honest truth.  It's the truth for my precious little baby, and it's the truth for my hurting clients.  It's the same truth for both the brilliant John Piper and for the homeless beggar that stands outside in the cold.  It's the same truth for you...and for me.

My prayer for you, precious reader- is that today, you catch a glimpse of His purpose.  Today, you see a glimmer of the great plans He has for your life.  Plans to give you hope.  Plans to give you a future.  Plans to take the joy that is in your life and use it for the encouragement of others.  Plans to take your seeds of suffering and pain and bring life to the dead world around you. 

Plans for you.  A purpose.  Will you receive it?

The Mirror on the Wall: On Value and Significance

Psalm 139:13-16
¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be. 

I met a young woman who was in search of significance.  Everyday she would live her life longing for acceptance from the people around her.  If she got it, she was determined to keep it, and would wake up the next morning and try to emulate everything she did the day before...in hopes that she would get it once again.  People are desperate for significance...longing to look in the mirror and see something meaningful looking back at them. 


One thing that I come face to face with every day as a professional counselor is this concept of value.  I am overwhelmed by the amount of people who I meet who are struggling with the basic concept that they are worth something.  Grown men and women, living their lives longing for someone to notice them, to touch them, to acknowledge them- in hopes that they will somehow make them feel that they are truly worth it.

I understand this struggle.  It resonates with me, because I too have a little part of me that seems to always be crying out, longing for someone or something to fill that little void, to remind me that I am significant.  I understand the need for validation, because it is a need that lives within me as well.   

And some days those interactions come.  Some days are good.  Some days we brush up against people who treasure us, who notice us, who love and cherish us.  It's easy to feel valuable on days like that, isn't it?  I know I leave those interactions feeling filled...temporarily anyway. That is the intrinsic problem with allowing our value to be based on those around us...

...Because other days are not so good.  Other days are filled with ridicule.  Other days I walk in a room and am ignored.  Other days my desire to be liked by all and loved by some feels like a passing dream.  Some days aren't so good.

For those of us who allow our value and worth to be determined by those around us- we find ourselves living on an emotional roller coaster.  We have no control over how our day will unfold, because our value is left in the hands of another.

We somehow allow ourselves to believe the lie that our worth lies in the eyes of the person standing in front of us- rather than believing that our value comes from the Person living inside of us.  

For those of us who believe, there is a kind of value that cannot be taken away.  A value that has nothing to do with who we are or what we do.  A value that lies only in the eyes of our Creator, a God who looks down on us and says three beautiful words "That is good". 

I love this verse, because I love the character of a God who "knit me together".  A God who was so purposeful in making me who I am.  A God who loved us so much that He made us in His own image...because just like a loving parent, He wanted to see His face in ours.   A God who calls us by name and writes our stories before we are even a thought.  I love the idea of a God who gives us value because of who He is rather than who we are...a value that always stays the same.

But I also understand the struggle to accept this significance from His hands.  Many of us are unable to receive this value because we are stuck on the "bad days".  The days when the voices around us lied...the days we were ignored, abused, and hurt.  The days when their voice was so loud- and His voice seemed so small.

May God give us the strength to tune in to His voice as the source and tune out all else.  May He help us reprogram our minds to see ourselves for who we really are.  May He give us the grace to heal from the wounds of our past and allow us to live in the purpose of our present.  May He give us the courage to look in the mirror and accept ourselves for who we really are: God's workmanship, wonderfully made.

A Picture of A Thousand Wounds:

Psalm 139:14 NIV
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-16 The Message
 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
      you formed me in my mother's womb.
   I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
      Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
      I worship in adoration—what a creation!
   You know me inside and out,
      you know every bone in my body;
   You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
      how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
   Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
      all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
   The days of my life all prepared
      before I'd even lived one day. 

Okay, so I'll admit.  I was watching Dr. Phil the other day.  Don't tune out yet...

In all seriousness, the show was about men and women whose lives had been destroyed by childhood bullying.  It was sobering to see adults in their 30's and 40's, carrying around the wounds of their past.  Memories still fresh in their minds, haunting them and bringing tears to their eyes.

Words, simple words, that had shaped their identities and their worth. 

At first it can be difficult to understand how mature adults can carry around childhood experiences in such a significant way.  It's hard to understand how these seemingly meaningless events could have such weight in a person's life.  But the reality is, childhood is a significant period of our lives.

Children are born as blank slates- ready to take in whatever the world has to offer them.  I think of them like a white canvas, taking on the colors and the textures of everything and everyone they come into contact with.  For the lucky ones, they can go home to a safe place where the bad colors can be washed off and replaced with true beauty.  But for many others- this filtering process is not available in their home due to brokenness and sin.  So, they take in whatever words are thrown at them- whether true or false.

These words are internalized, and eventually, become the constant voice playing in their mind, reminding them of "who they are".  There are many men and women walking around with false voices playing in their heads...voices of shame, of guilt, of fear.  Voices that bring false accusations.  Voices that steal beauty and joy.  Voices that declare brokenness, stupidity, and worthlessness.

My heart goes out to these men and women.  My heart goes out to them because there is a piece of them in all of us.  At some point, we have all experienced the pain of lies that have made a home in our hearts.  We have all let these false doctrines slip into our minds- bypassing the filtering system that God has given us to sort out the fantasy from the reality.

And all of us share one thing in common: a need for redemption.  A need for the redemption of our hearts and minds.  Redemption of our self-worth and our value.  A need for God to step in and help us sort out the jumbled mess of our identities.  To take back what has been won over by the Prince of Lies.  To reinstall in us a filtering system- allowing only His truth to pass through and enter in.

This takes hard work.  For some, this work can be done through their personal willingness coupled with the power of the Holy Spirit, and for others the words may have sunk in so deep that they need professional help sorting through.  But either way, there is a place to begin- and that place is in God's truth.

These verses are found in the middle of the bible...because in my opinion, they are central to the needs of men and women across all race and ages.  The need for value.  The need to be known.  The need to be praised and adored.  God knows these things, and he takes each need one by one...offering it in bold colors and coloring over the canvas of shame with this beautiful truth. 

Take these words one by one, and allow the brush strokes of God's words to wash over the pain of your past.  This is reality.  This is truth.  May it color over every part of your broken canvas today....

I am ?: On Identity

Exodus 33:15-16
If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?

They say mankind's greatest fear is the fear of being invisible.  I think that's why the word Identity is such an important concept in our world.  It's a commonly used word in our society.  It's the very thing that defines us as individuals and keeps us from being invisible.  It's the very thing that sets us apart.

Some would say they are comfortable in the identities they've developed.  Others are still on the search for theirs.  Yet others are facing their identities with utter confusion...an identity crisis so to speak.

But what exactly is an identity, and how does one go about getting such a thing?  According to the definition, identity is a simple thing: who you are.  A simple definition for such a complex word.

Society gives us so much to define ourselves by: external appearances probably top the chart.  With shows like Extreme Makeover and Americas Next Top Model filling our brains with empty definitions of self.  Academics and degrees fall next in line (for those of us who don't have the looks...).  Finances and material things line our homes and our offices (For those of us who don't have the looks or the brains...).  There's always something.  Something to define ourselves by.  Something to distinguish us from the rest of the world. 

When I think of my own identity there are so many things that come to my mind.  I think of my gender...I'm pretty darn proud of being a woman.  I think of my ethnicity and my cultural background.  I think of my faith, my relationship with God.  I think of my roles as a wife, a daughter, and a sister.  I think of my job as a counselor and my duty to my patients.  It's a kaleidoscope of things, each adding a little color to who I believe I am....to how I define myself.

So, with such a conglomeration of things adding to "who I am"...you can easily understand why this passage left me speechless.

In the midst of Moses begging God's presence to remain with him, he pleaded with Him by asking: God if you leave..."What else will distinguish me?"

It's as if Moses was saying, God, if you don't come with me, if your presence is not surrounding me....what will define me then?  Who will I be?  What will become of me?  You see, for Moses, his very being was so completely wrapped up in God's presence in his life....there was nothing apart from that.  If God were to leave his side, he literally believed that he would have absolutely nothing else to distinguish him from the rest of the world.  He was desperate to find himself in nothing else but God's presence.

You know, there's something refreshing about that kind of identity.  I suppose it's why Moses is cited to be the most humble man alive.  His very existence revolved wholly around God, there was no part of it left for himself.

I'm challenged by that kind of identity.  An identity that finds it's home in the presence of the Almighty.  An identity that has nothing to do with the things that I make of myself and everything to do with the things God does with me.  An identity that is wrapped up so tightly in God's presence that I find myself in crisis apart from it.  An identity that defines itself by that alone.

It's seems as though I've tried to distinguish myself with so many things.  I've tried to keep myself from being invisible.  And you know, sometimes that works for a while.  Sometimes I can feel pretty good about who I am to others and who I have presented myself to be.

But at the end of the day, even with the most glamorous definition of myself...looking through the kaleidoscope of who I am is not enough.  At the end of the day, I need something deeper, something realer, something more substantial than that.  At the end of the day, I need to quench my fear of being invisible by the reality of being seen by my God.

Because, at the end of the day, the only thing that can satisfy my need to be distinguished and recognized is this one thing: His presence in my life.  His plans and purposes for me.  His vision for my future.  His definition of who I am....who I am in Him.  For here, I am 100% exposed and I am no longer invisible...I can never be.